Apache03,

Well, I am glad I came over here. Usually, I am posting in the "General Questions II" area.

First off, I am a fellow military man. Second, I have been EXACTLY where you are. My wife got into an affair right after I was last deployed (September 2001). Take my member # and search the GQII section for my history (started posting in June 2002). You will see that your wife and mine are twins.

That list she sent you? EXACTLY what my wife was telling me before I found out about the affair. Sir, she is having an affair. When I first confronted my wife, she said he was just a friend. Then, with more info, she said they kissed once. Then with more info, she then admitted to having sex once, but not in our bedroom...on the couch. By the time I got all of the evidence, I found out that while I was gone, our kids were shipped to New Mexico (we live in Virginia) and stayed at my house every night.

Anyway, the point is dont believe her. Go read my threads so you can find out your future. My wife is home now and we are in recovery. But it was a long road.

My suggestion is first, and foremost...the truth MUST come out. And not this way. If you will email me, I will give you many things you can do to catch your wife. Besides some of the things you are doing, one is bluffing. Kind of like playing poker. Without lying, you make it seem like you know EXACTLY what is going on. She wont know what you know, or how you know. She will acuse you of following her. Oh well. All of those things in her lists are only fog talk. They are justifications for her doing what she is doing. She wants to blame you, and she wants to believe that you are forcing her to do this.

No, be quiet for a couple weeks. Let things settle down. No confrontations. Just go about everyday life in front of her. This will make her think that you have believed her, and that she can continue what she is doing.

The second thing is while this calm period is going on, get all of the intel that you can. You and I are military man. Well, we never go into battle without G2 weighing in with what they know. You have very little G2 (intel for those non-military types).

Get everything you can. Photos, video, audio. Write a journal, recording her every action, her every word. Since she is still living with you as your wife, then you can put a tracker in her car. Some run around $600. Get a PI. Hire him only for the times when you are sure that it would be best. The times when you most suspect she is linking up with the OM.

Is OM military? I'll tell you what...I am a former inspector general (IG). If this guy is committing adultery, his career is over. Get the proof because if it comes down to it, you can bring a whole lot of hurt on him.

Bluffing is easy. Here's how. Your wife is in an affair. Any person that really was telling the truth in what she sent you, wouldnt be acting the way she is. If it was you, then she would be acting much differently. She is trying to make you look one way, so you dont see what she is doing the other. So, anytime she comes searching for what you are up to...be coy. Through your silence, make her think you know more than you really do. Make her think you know everything! Occasionally, once you get all of the intel, you can slowly leak a few factoids. This will only increase her thinking that you KNOW everything. And eventually, she will admit all.

Whether she admits or not, do not go to Plan B until you have all of your intel. You need it legally, if things go to divorce. And you need it for your marriage, because you are going to be the one that blows the affair wide open.

In combat, what are we taught? Is it better to engage first, or react? Always, it is better to engage first. But dont do so lightly armed. Get all the ammo you can.

Once it is blown open, your wife WILL leave. She is already leaving. I doubt anything is going to stop that now. But, what you do now will decide whether she stays gone and how long.

Anyway, check out my threads and see where you are headed. Baghdad is a long way off...you havent even left Kuwait yet.

In His arms.

If I call this man's wife, would that not destoy any trust left between me and my wife??
What kind of trust do you have now that would be destroyed?

Do you think she is now afraid of what I know and this will cause her to end the affair
No.
It WILL cause her to be more careful and hide it better though.

mortarman: how do I email you? I don't see an address in you profile.

My wife came home yesterday (after spending the morning preparing our church altar for Sunday services)and after eating lunch just said to me " You know, while I was polishing the brass something just hit me and told me that this thing between us , this turmoil, is going to work out". That makes me even more suspicious.

These days she will not let herself be naked or in her underwear in front of me. While she is taking a shower, the bathroom door is closed - never used to be that way. If I tell her she looks "hot" or "sexy" in her clothes- she tells me to stop and looks uncomfortable. I have stopped denying the affair, too many things hit me in the head that show me otherwise. She won't admit the affair, so how does it ever come out into the open. I think, she thinks, she will end it and it will all just "go away" and get back to normal and I never really have to know. I have to get her to admit the affair, and let the OM's wife know. If the OM's wife doesn't know he I think he will easily continue to persue my wife. When she says thing s to me like, do you think men just can't be with one woman, I know that is the OM talking. I bet his wife doesn't know what he thinks and says about that. I bet his daughter doesn't see him that way.

While I have my own issues, this one has always been true for me - I don't let many people get very close to me at all. My wife is at a level deeper than anyone else and this is absolutely killing me - at the deepest level. It is affecting my work something terrible, and I am fighting my feelings of resentment for her. I have only been working on this thing a few weeks and it is consuming me. I bought the book "Surviving an Affair" today and am reading it. In 3 weeks I have to leave for a month and cannot get out of it. I know that any progress we make up until then will be wiped out. Anyone got any real good ideas on how I can blow this thing up after getting really good intel?? I'll need it soon. I have this feeling in my gut that I'll have to go to plan B with her because she will just want this to go away and never have to admit it - then when I'm gone it will start up again. God, I hope not.

Sorry Apache, But this is BS. She is having an affair, and you both are denying it! Break it down, tell her all you know, in the hope she will break down and tell you.

apache...

Finish the book, and search the posts here for the rules of confrontation, and make sure they are consistant with Plan A.

You can get one of the phone recorders for for a cell phone, for a few more bucks, at the site I listed previously, but I don't know how those work.

If you can get a counseling session with a pro-marriage counselor, that might be a place your W will feel safe in "coming out". You also might consider a phone consultation with the folks who run this forum.

Whatever you do, be fully prepared to do it right so you do less damage, thereby making the healing process probably quicker, and perhaps a bit less painful.

Keep posting and keep learning... you are on the right path.

sd

Finish the book, and search the posts here for the rules of confrontation, and make sure they are consistant with Plan A.
You can get one of the phone recorders for for a cell phone, for a few more bucks, at the site I listed previously, but I don't know how those work.
Getting a phone recorder is not consistent with Plan A.

Well, I read "Surviving an Affair" cover to cover. I just finished it, but it could be too late. My wife and I got into a discussion last night about her "friend" after my last discussion with my counselor. I told him the things she was saying to me about this friend. She said that he was there when she needed a friend. I said that the this relationship with this friend did not seem appropriate to me based on what she told me earlier. I reminded her that a year and a half ago, if I had a friend like that then she would have been very upset with me and would have wanted to know all about it. When asked more about the details of this friendship, she would clam up and just said that I should take whatever thoughts I had in my mind and triple them. I said that if there was nothing going on that was inappropriate then why wouldn't she tell me anything. I asked why shouldn't I be allowed to call this friend and tell him I was concerned about his relationship with my wife. She said that all that would do is cause his family pain and ruin her relationship with him. She said that she thinks I am having her followed and that our relationship is over and that what is wrong with our ralationship is my fault. She said she is calling a divorce lawyer today and is moving out. I told her I love her and that whatever has been going on can be worked thru, and that she is free to come and go as she pleases. I was not yelling or calling her names, just simply having a discussion. She slept on the sofa again and before I left this morning, I told her I loved her and that we can work thru this. She just got pissed off and said it's over. THIS IS RIGHT OUT OF THE BOOK! What did I do wrong??? We can even talk about this thing. In her mind, it is either move ahead and forget about it (while she holds me at arms length in our marriage), or get a divorce. WHAT NEXT? Do I put my savings in my new bank account and start protecting my interests and continue to Plan A, or move to Plan B??

I just got the phone with my wife. She said that when I get home tonight she will be gone - for good and that last night I ruined everything. She says that I am having dillusions (whatever that means). She said don't call her, dont't come looking for her - goodbye - for good! I just want my marriage and wife back. What now??

I posted to you on the General Questions II board.

My email is Mortar29@yahoo.com

Well, I read "Surviving an Affair" cover to cover. I just finished it, but it could be too late.
You mean there is no way you can survive?
The title says it all. You can SURVIVE an affair. It is not a guarantee to save your marriage. It IS one of the best plans to make the marriage work during/following an affair.

When asked more about the details of this friendship, she would clam up and just said that I should take whatever thoughts I had in my mind and triple them.
It’s almost always much worse in your mind than in real life.

She just got pissed off and said it's over. THIS IS RIGHT OUT OF THE BOOK! What did I do wrong???
Nothing. Everything is occurring just as it has millions of times previous to what you are going through. In the book, they had the benefit of counseling directly with Dr. Harley.

WHAT NEXT? continue to Plan A
Yes.
Call Steve Harley. See below.