My wife and I were both divorced from bad marriages. I say this because her husband was physically abusive and cheated with numerous women, and my wife cheated on me whenever I was deployed. (I spent 11 years in the Marine Corps)

We have been married almost two years now. We have 4 children: 2 boys that were mine, 1 girl that was her's and our baby.

I would have said that we had a "perfect" marriage. We communicated, played, touched and connected in every way. I can honestly say that I told people that we could be used as a textbook example of "the perfect marriage".

Having said all that, let me back up a little. I found an email address on our home pc (hotmail address) and I asked her who's it was. She said she didn't know. I found this address several times over the period of a year (before during and after "our" pregnancy) and she told me several different answers as to whose it was. But it was never hers.

One night after work (I work 3:30 to 1 am) I was too wound up to sleep so I jumped on the computer. What pops up but this email address. So somewhat puzzled and curious, I try her name, birthday and answer the secret question... voila I am into the account. I WISH I HAD NEVER LOOKED!!!!

It is over a years worth of cheating. Very graphic, very persoanl and describing our girls to a "t". (my boys live in another state) Talking about how she loves her husband and doesn't feel right about thinking and wanting to be with this other guy. Then telling him graphically what she wanted to do to him. All kinds of stuff.

Of course my wife denies it completely and says that she was "snooping on someone elses affair".

I don't believe her and our marriage is very quickly failing. I love her with every fiber of my being. I had 1000% trust and faith in her and now I have none. She refuses to let me try to find the identity of this man. But she does not try to stop me from looking at our bills and other items. This man works where she works and she stays late at work all the time. I asked her to get another job, which she could do easily, and she refuses. She has been very defensive and even trys to make it my fault by saying that I am too jealous and don't trust her.

Any thoughts, ideas or anything? I am so messed up that I am about to lose my job. If nothing else please pray for me.

Thanks
Klutz

<small>[ February 18, 2004, 12:49 AM: Message edited by: klutz54 ]</small>

klutz -

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Sorry you are here, but it is a good place to be.

Read all about the program, and start in Plan A which involves no love-busters (LB's), disrespectful judgements, and exposing the affair. That includes telling the OM's wife if he is married.

You may have to get some anti-depressants if you are in danger of losing your job. Many of the folks here have been through what you are going through. We understand how miserable it is. So come here and post when you need support.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> klutz -

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Sorry you are here, but it is a good place to be.

Read all about the program, and start in Plan A which involves no love-busters (LB's), disrespectful judgements, and exposing the affair. That includes telling the OM's wife if he is married.

You may have to get some anti-depressants if you are in danger of losing your job. Many of the folks here have been through what you are going through. We understand how miserable it is. So come here and post when you need support. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you, I'll probably be here a lot. Since I don't know who the OM is I have a real hard time. I have a very good guess, but I can't prove it. So I am in limbo. I do not want to accuse someone without being 100% sure who it is.

I am seriously thinking of plan B at the moment. I feel like if she really loved me at all she would not be doing this. So I need to make her chose between the man that loves her, and the married man that she cheats with who cannot support her or our children.

No Plan B yet if you want to save your marriage. First it is necessary to do a good Plan A. Read all about it here.

I went straight to Plan B (didn't find this site in time). It was a big mistake.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> No Plan B yet if you want to save your marriage. First it is necessary to do a good Plan A. Read all about it here.

I went straight to Plan B (didn't find this site in time). It was a big mistake. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I work nights and she works days. I keep the baby all day before work. I do dishes and clean house. Although I must admit I really don't care to anymore. Why should I? What kind of "home" do I have now?

I will try, but I'm not sure that I can do that. I am so depressed I don't even want to play with my 9 month old daughter anymore. =(

You might want to get anti-D's to help you get through this. It sure helped me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> You might want to get anti-D's to help you get through this. It sure helped me. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now, since I don't have any physical proof... (ie a name to go with the emails) and she will not admit to doing anything other than snooping...
could I be seriously misjudging her? My heart tells me no, but I *want* to believe her so much!

The only thing was how I got into the said email account. I used her information. Of course she says that she changed all the user information to hers to get a new password after the account was left open on her machine at work... but why would you do that if you were snooping on the account? I mean why would you leave your name behind so they could find it? And also why not just change the password when it was open on your computer? Why go in and change all the info to yours?

I think I will start smoking again. At least that is something that *I* have control of.

Please don't start smoking again. I did and now I'm sorry, had quit for 10 years. Stupid.

It probably is the guy at work. That is where most affairs start. Is he married?

You can install a keylogger on your computer and track her. Also if she uses home phone, you can get a phone recorder that you plug into an unused phone jack.

In the meantime, stay in Plan A.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> Please don't start smoking again. I did and now I'm sorry, had quit for 10 years. Stupid.

It probably is the guy at work. That is where most affairs start. Is he married?

You can install a keylogger on your computer and track her. Also if she uses home phone, you can get a phone recorder that you plug into an unused phone jack.

In the meantime, stay in Plan A. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm a Network Administrator by profession, so I was doubly shocked that she would do ANYTHING on a computer at our home. It's almost like she wanted me to find it. =(

Also she works as a service manager for a computer/copier service center. She is good with a computer. Good enough to find a key logger or spyware. I have ways around that, but I am not doing it yet. And I have seriously thought about tapping our phone. Would be easy enough.

Yes the man at work is married. The emails were done in such a way that I KNOW it is about my wife, but there are never names used. Does that make sense?

Looking back it all makes sense if I had my eyes open. She NEVER kept the phone bills. She paid over the phone and destroyed the bills. She changed the service providers at least twice since we got married. Same with cell phone bills. There is just so much "evidence" and yet I still have no concrete proof.

I am quite afraid that if I find the whole truth on my own that I may not be able to hold my temper. If she could just admit it and tell me who he is I could find a way to work through all this. But being a fool, and lied to really, really bothers me. And yet I have no hard evidence to let me "force" the issue.

I quit smoking in 99, but I really, really want one now. =(

You might be able to get copies of the tel bills from the telephone company. Tell them you need copies of the statements for tax purposes. You might want to consider hiring an experienced P.I. to find out who the OM is and to confirm whether she is having an affair. Finding out the truth may be worth the expense.

No no, no smoking. You sound like you are very smart. So be smart about this. Stay in Plan A.

If you are sure that OM is the one she is working with (and usually it is someone they work with), expose A to his wife. That will really help.

During this time, you will be miserable, but it does get better.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by yosh:
<strong> You might be able to get copies of the tel bills from the telephone company. Tell them you need copies of the statements for tax purposes. You might want to consider hiring an experienced P.I. to find out who the OM is and to confirm whether she is having an affair. Finding out the truth may be worth the expense. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd love to do that. But this is a small town, and there aren't any. Besides that my XW gets almost all my paycheck (I am divorced becasue my XW had an OM addiction that she couldn't break) so I couldn't afford it anyways. =( I would find a way to make it if my W left me. But I wouldn't like it one little bit.

As far as the phone records, she has that one covered. She does a lot of calling to "her" sales reps and her inhouse salesmen. And she makes and receives calles from the people they do business with. So even if I could find one number there are a lot of excuses for it.

Again... I go round and round with this. I have evidence, but no proof.

I want to know one way or the other. I can grovel the rest of my life if I falsely accused her. I can and will make it up to her if she'd let me. And if I am not wrong, which is what my gut tells me, then I deserve to know the truth and so does the OM's W.

Then again, this is a small town and there have been "rumors" about two of the married guys that work there. And I know for a fact that one of the men that my wife really likes has had A's on his wife before. This same man drives my W around on his Harley and then shoots emails to a friend who emailed a very inappropriate email to my wife. Little did he know I read them. Quite a shock when I sent a copy of the email to the superintendant of his school. (his boss) Maybe he'll think about it twice next time...

Anyways, I think the guy with the Harely is the one. I just can't prove it. =(

<small>[ February 19, 2004, 12:04 AM: Message edited by: klutz54 ]</small>

Looking back on all of my posts... am I rationalizing her actions? Am I just babbling? Am I in denial? Or is it possible that she really did just snoop?

*my head hurts*

And yay!!! Today is my 33rd birthday. =|

<small>[ February 19, 2004, 12:05 AM: Message edited by: klutz54 ]</small>

Let me be the first to wish you Happy Birthday.

I am so sorry you are having to go all through this. I think you need to be patient and have a plan (Plan A). You can try to meet her emotional needs if she will let you.

Sooner or later you will find out. But just a warning, if your wife thinks you are investigating, she will just get trickier. That is what they do.

Great advice here. And Happy Birthday. How about surprising her at work for lunch? Do you know any of her friends she works with? Have you considered hiring a PI? I would definitely consider using the keylogger idea, there are ones you can get that stay hidden in startup and need a code to open the file...they keep track of every keystroke hit.

My H is a computer geek and he used the computer to conduct much of his A's.

Here's another question you can ask her...ask for the password to her hotmail account, and check it. She may be deleting mail as it comes in, but can you set a button that allows it to keep a copy of sent mail? If she refuses to pass over the password...you know something is up.

Look into Plan A, and check out the Lovebusters...which one(s) are you the most guilty of?

I caught H redhanded, he tried to deny for a while. I found this site pretty early and checked out the LBs, guilty of at least three. I began to apologize (yes, apologize) for my part in making our M so unbearable an A was possible, and told H I would make changes in LBs and fulfilling ENs. We took the ENs questionnaire, and I ordered the books.

Come up with a plan...sometimes Plan A is enough, but read about Plan B too...I had to go there. There may come a time when you will want to expose the A at work...talk to Human resources. It may be against company policy for the situation to occur at work, especially if she or he is boss.

I think my H would have continued his A until he was caught...