OK, I have been doing plan A for a couple of weeks and my wife says I'm smothering her - because now I see her for lunch a few days a week, I am home by 6:00 PM, I tell her honestly how I feel and talk with her like never before. In the past 6 months before starting Plan A , she has asked for a divorce afew times, denied an affair I know is ongoing (this guy calls her on her cell phone or she calls him 3-4 times a day - and she is hiding her cell phone bills)and told me even then that she needed her space and that I she need to be able to choose me again.

She has asked again for me to leave, give her space, just be a friend right now and denies the affair. If she woin't admit the affair, how am I suposed to be in Plan A - she doesn't want to work on our relationship - she just wants me to be a friend and win her heart back (her words), but she says I must give her space and leave.

I want to tell her that if she wants space she needs to leave, but I'll still be here for her, call her , see her and spend time with her.

I almost think I should go to plan B and let her figure it out. Thoughts???
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Plan A is difficult. It's something that's not meant to be easy for the BS. Basically you are giving giving giving and not expecting anything in return while trying not to LB her.

If she says you are smothing her, you may need to back off a little bit. Be careful that smothering her is not a LB.

I can see how if someone you wanted to be there wasn't there before and now all of a sudden is doing all of these things you wanted them to could be a big turn off.

Make sure you Plan A for a long time. For as long as you can. Once you go to Plan B, you are relying on how good of a Plan A you did. You do Plan A so that you have no regrets later if things don't work out so I say stick with it for as long as you can!

Plan A is not about working on the marriage. That can't happen until the A ends. Plan is for ending the A. Also, it is a time to concentrate on you. We all need to improve. The focus should be on you, not her. She is in the fog.

And you should not leave. She is just trying to have her affair without any interference from you. If she wants to separate, then let her leave. In the meantime, you might back off on some of the stuff you're doing. Maybe look up the 180 degree divorce busting list. That will probably help you.

But you will have to decide how long you can Plan A while she is having her affair. It is very difficult. You don't want to kill all the love you have for her.

Pick a deadline for Plan B if she has not recommitted to the M and then go dark.

Plan A is about breaking up the A. The idea is to give the WW spouse a better alternative to the OP. Obviously you avoid LB's. And you try to meet her needs. That means you are considerate and respectful of her. It does NOT mean you move out or do anything to empower or enable the affair.

Moving out,whether done by you or her, is simply a way for the wayward spouse to more easily pursue the affair. You can't stop her from moving out, but you don't have to do that yourself.

You must do a good plan A for several months for Plan B to work well. So hang in there, swallow your pride and hurt, and be the man you are: her husband. Just be her husband to the best of your ability.

I often worried about how to react to my WW's behaviors. I finally decided to stop reacting and do what I had sworn to do over 20 years ago, BE HER LOVING HUSBAND.

Did it work? Yes, and no. I say no because my wife moved out to pursue her affair with the OM. But, we are still on a good relationship and I can tell her how I feel. But, I say YES, because I can look myself in the mirror and others in the eye and honestly say I am doing everything than man and God can expect to restore and rebuild my marriage. That's a good feeling.

Your feelings are normal.

I salute both you and your wife for facing up the problems and commiting to work them out.

Please realize that the healing and rebuilding is a long slow process. You have taken two shocks. First, you wife left you. Second, you found out she had a ONS or maybe a TNS years ago.

At this point I would be more concerned about why she left you than what happened 7 years ago.

You are equally responsible for the state of your marriage. Working together to fix you marriage is a common goal that can actually bring you together. Please read the information on this site and act on it. Spending time alone on Valentine's Day w/o kids was a nice start.

I envy you because your wife is still with you.

You will hear all kinds of things form the WS. Youir actions are making them feel guilty. They want to feel justified in continuing a R with another person because you are so mean and rotten, right? But now you're not, so it spoils their plans...

Make sure you are fulfilling the ENs that are most important to her. She may also be giving you a hint that you are giving her more attention, but she would rather have... something else...who knows, affection, attractiveness, honesty, conversation?