Well, I have not posted in probably 5 weeks or more so I apologize. To anyone that wants to know the full story you could probably do a search under my username or something.

Anyways, a couple of weeks ago I told my wife I wanted to have access to her email as I was getting suspicious feelings again. She had told me the day before that the OM had emailed her but she deleted it and did not respond. She gave me access to her email and her address book had quite a few names on it of young single men. During the course of that day and the next in a teary phonecall, she confessed that she was flirting with some men over email and said she was leading them on that she was single. She said she had never met any of them and I do believe her. The time from that up until last night has been fantastic. Our marriage has never been stronger and we have really bonded.

However, since she told me she had been emailing those men I was occasionally covertly monitoring her. Everything has been fine for close to 3 weeks and I told myself that this weekend the monitor software was coming off and I was going to forgive her affair and the continued emails. Last night I saw that she had yet another email account and had transfered all the contact information over to this new account. I demanded immediate access to that account to see what she was doing. At first she refused. Finally, she relented and logged on. All the same men were there including the man she had the affair with. She said she has never met any of them or done anything. As she was sitting in the chair and I was leaning over the chair I noticed she had an email in her in box. I told her to click on it and she tried to very quickly delete it. I stopped her and read the email. It had been forwarded back and forth so it had her replies in it. It was from another man saying he had been trying to get ahold of "his baby" and why he could not get ahold of her on the phone....not good...She told me then and there she has never got any phone calls from men at home or on her cell phone or talked to any of them. Unless this guy is calling her at work, something is fishy and it aint the fish.
I honestly do not know if after all this, and this new email account, I can ever trust her fully again. She told me in bed about a week ago that she did not have any other email accounts. I don't know what to do. She told me she has a problem and needs to see a genuine psychologist, which I think is good. I don't know know if that will even help however as even with professional help I don't know if I can ever trust her again.
Currently, some friends are out of town and she is going to stay at there house for a while until we get this figured out.

Anyones advice is appreciated.

EDIT-Also, just like to add that today I found out she found and took or destroyed or whatever all the screen shots I had of herconversations with the guy she had the affiar with back in December and she deleted all the screen shots I took of her stuff last night...I am getting the impressions she is trying to destroy evidence if I try and take her to court but that is silly as some of her family and one of her friends know the details of everything.

<small>[ February 19, 2004, 12:10 AM: Message edited by: LW1973 ]</small>

LW,

You're right....this is not good. And I truly think that at least she has one thing right...she needs help from someone who's trained. Help her get an appointment with a good IC. Housesitting for someone right now is not a good idea....she'll just use that to hide these other activities. She is acting very much like this an addiction...so it may take some time to help her get past this...but don't lose hope. It may not seem possible right now, but once she does deal with this addiction, and can show consistent progress...you will be able to rebuild trust. Good Luck.

Well she had her one on one couseling session last night. I really don't know what direction my life is heading in. I am normally a level headed guy that has everything all planned out. She says she doesnt want to see me or be here with me as it reminds her of all the terrible things she did. I feel that those great 3 weeks we had together were a farce as through it all she was keeping the last email account secret and lying about it.
I honestly do not know if I can trust her ever again. I know I want to. I know I want her back in the house right now. I want everything to be all OK. I know it isnt all OK though and no matter what it will never be the same. I think we made a huge mistake in going to just one counseling session and trying to fix the problem ourselves. I am so damn confused I dont know what to do. I know that I need personal counciling to keep my brain from locking up from all this stress.
Embarrasing to admit this next part, but I believe she got an STD from the guy. I had to go in and get a test. The first test came back negative but the second test they have to send to an outside lab. The doctor said that my symptoms were stereotypical of an STD and she was going to treat me regardless, so I got the penicillin prescriptions that day.
She has another counciling session this week and an appointment with a psychologist in 3 weeks. I want her to move back in for a number of reason- I am tired of lying to our son about were his mom is at, I want to be able to trust her and having her here lets me see what she is doing even though I know she is not doing anything at the other house I need the psychological comfort, and to help with our son. She, at this point, refuses to move back into the house as she says she likes to be alone right now to think and she needs the break and also, as I said above, she doesnt like to look at me knowing what pain she has caused me.
For one of the first times in my life I am totally completely confused bewildered and I do not have a single clue as to what to do other than I need to talk to someone or it feels like my brain is going to explode.

There is lots of support here. We know how you are feeling. It does get better though.

Have you done the reading here? It will help you understand that she is acting just like they all do. It helps if you can realize that she is in the fog. I know it is hard, but try not to take it personally.

LW,

I'm sorry for your pain. This just seems to go from bad to worse and I just can't even imagine how hurt and confused you must be. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> It sounds like one of you is going to have to be strong...for that little boy....and right now, I'm going to have nominate you. I know you're hurting, and I know it isn't fair....but you're going to have to pull yourself together and do whatever is necessary to hold things together. Your wife is in trouble...she does need professional help and it is not going to get better I fear for a while. What ever is creating this bottomless need for attention that she has....I just don't know...but now she is having trouble giving it up. I think you need some professional help deciding what your best next step is. Considering the latest developments, and the complete lack of regard for your feelings...you may need to go to Plan B sooner than most folks. Plan A doesn't work well with addictive or abusive behavior. I know you want her to move in....so you can watch her....but if she wants to do these things...she will find a way and destroy your love for her in the process. Give the therapy some time to help....but be prepared to go to a higher risk strategy is she cannot stop her destructive behavior. I'm so sorry....wish I could offer more encouragement. Weekends are really slow here....but just wanted you to know I read this and you are not alone. Blessings to you....I will keep you in my prayers.

<small>[ February 22, 2004, 10:08 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

LW -

My WH did the same thing. Before I found this site, when I knew HW and OW were having an EA, we wrote a NC email of sorts to OW.

And he let me have access to all his email. But he was still acting so strange. I felt as if I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Well, it did. New Year's Eve morning, WH woke up in a nervous breakdown. Had to haul him to the hospital in a blizzard, drag him in (after I dragged him off the floor of our closet), he confessed the PA there, and then he went to a half-way house for 5 days.

During those 5 days, I became the most motivated, devoted, destructive hacker anyone has ever feared being in their computer. And that's when I found it. His secret email account, just for her.

There had been no NC. Knowing what I know about the nature of the A now (I recommend Surviving an Affiar, and Torn Asunder), I realize that there was no way he could have done that at that point.

So, I know your pain of betrayal and breaking of trust over and over. My WH moved out, probably to continue his A, but OW has basically dumped him.

He still sees her at Scouts, but I am going to be remedying that situation here soon. I am getting advice on how to go about it the best possible way. And this week I will make my decision.

Stick with the program. Follow star's advice - she is very wise in these matters. And know we are all here to support you and keep you going.

You come here and vent, complain, and even whine if you want. We all do it. This is your place to say everything you cannot say to her.

I didn't get an STD, but I had to go in and be tested, and that was a bad experience in itself. When you get the results back, if they are positive, you should show her a copy.

Keep your chin up. It gets better with time. I'll check in on you regularly. I am addicted to being here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Amy