Help! My H won't admit he's having an affair? How do I get it in the open?

I feel like I've blown everything anyway. I just got to this forum and I've been in living this nightmare for nine months. We got in a fight the day after our 13th anniversary and he left. He called his work from her cell phone at 3am. But then I heard that even though he went to her place, her hubby was there. I tried to talk about having an emotional affair (it scared the life out of me) and he attempted to come back. He thought I was being understanding, but everything wasn't out in the open and I didn't really understand anything!!!

Talk about a fog, but I'm the one who's been in big-time denial. But recently, I have put two and two together and realize that the physical affair started at least that night, no wonder he was ashamed to come home. But I already blew it by having a screaming match with him about finding a calling card and her business card in the glove compartment of the truck. So, he left again and is staying with relatives near his work. I tried to win him back and we continued to have relations, then totally by accident I got his credit card bill which had a motel bill on it. He told me he went there alone. At first I wanted to believe him(!) but finally wrote a brief note and told him I wanted as little contact with him as possible.

Meanwhile, the affair continues (at the motel) and he continues to deny it. Is it too late? How should I approach things? I'm already half in a Plan B before I even knew what the rules of the game were...

IHH,

Welcome to the forum. It's time to stop operating like a loose cannon and get a Plan together. Go out, get a copy of "Surviving an Affair" and start reading. In the meantime, get a good marriage coach...either the Harleys or cerri and stop reacting instead of acting. Now, as far as getting the affair out in the open. There's a pretty easy way to get to the bottom of this. Call her husband. Compare notes.

Thanks for replying. Ordered SAA, reading Private Lies which a therapist friend had.

Problem with calling her hubby is they separated and I have no idea how to get in touch with him. They live two hours away and I have no idea where he works.

Use the Internet to find her husband. A Google search can show up a lot of information.

These WW spouses have an excuse for everything they do. They have turned reality upside down and inside out. Insanity become normal, and good people become evil jerks. They are very confused.

Trust your instincts.

I have tried searching the 'net but so far no luck.

I know what I know and it has really started to sink in deep. Reading this board about the fog WH are in helps me see that mine is definitely in one. Helps to know that my real H has just been abducted by aliens and that all this crap he's telling me is just that.

I read Private Lies the other day. Boy, I've been disoriented for so long thanks to his lies! But the truth is setting me free!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

InHisHands -

Oh no, not a screaming match? Definitely not part of Plan A, which is the starting point. Luckily you got to this board in time.

I didn't find it until after several months, and several screaming matches. In fact one was about finding a credit card statement with 3 motel bills on it. And yep, my H went alone too!

After you read here for awhile, you will see they all do and say the same things. It gets kind of humorous. Stick with us and we will help you work this out.

Thanks for your reply, believer. I hope I'm here in time - like I said, he's already out of the house. I got excited when he stuck around for Valentine's day to be with the kids. But he went to the hotel the next day. When I called the hotel that afternoon they had already left.

So your hubby went alone to, huh? Are they handed a script or what? It helps so much to know that this is typical. The worse thing is wondering how it's all going to end up. I know I'll be okay one way or the other, but I sure wish I could do something!!

Yeah, and he went 3 days when he was supposed to be at work.

Hang in here, you're in good company.

Hey there, hang in there,

Have you figured out which is your most common LB? Which one you'll have to think longest and hardest on how to stop or replace?

And what about his ENs, which ones have you been able to fulfill lately? And are they his top ones? We really only get brownine points for fulfilling the top needs. If we fulfill the lesser needs while letting the top ENs go unfulfilled, then we LOSE points ("if you loved me you'd.....")

Good luck!