Hi Everyone-<P>Well, my H just left. He came for visitation and D was sleeping. He asked if I wanted to talk about working out our visitation while she was sleeping. I said, ok.<P>I got him a beer (his favorite!) and we sat in front of the fire. I was very emotional from the beginning (I had a bad day to start with). Anyway, I asked him what he wanted as far as visitation. He told me that he wanted her overnight at least 2 nights a month and still wanted to see her 1-2 nights during the week.<BR>I told him that I still wasn't comfortable w/ the overnight thing and we talked a little bit about D counseling sessions. He was confused at why I would take her to a counselor- He said she wasn't sick in the head, so he didn't understand.<BR>I told him that her behaviors had made a drastic changes since he left in July and I was concerned about her. I explained about her vomiting/night terror, etc. He still didn't let up on the overnights, so I relented. I told him we would try it, but that if it didn't work, he needed to left me know.<BR>THEN.....I told him that I missed him. I was bawling like a baby by this time. I told him that I was hoping we could put our past behind us and move forward in the right direction. He told me that we had too much muddy water under the bridge and the he couldn't come home because of my family. HUH? He then said that he almost didn't marry me because of my family. I asked him why he did marry me then. He said because he thought it was the right thing to do.<BR>D woke up and he asked if I wanted to get some dinner w/ them. I didn't really answer him, cuz I didn't know what to say. <BR>D was cranky when she woke up, and didn't want anything to do w/ daddy. <BR>He left shortly after that. He asked what time he should come over on Christmas. I said about 7:30, so he could be here when she woke up.<BR>I walked him to the door. He asked if I was dating, and I said no. He didn't believe me. Said I looked to good not to be dating. Then I made the mistake of asking him if he was dating, and he said yes. The tears were streaming down my face.<BR>I asked if I could have a hug, and he hugged me for a long time. I cried and told him that I was sorry I was not the kind of wife he wanted. He told me I was a good wife and I great mom.<BR>So, that is it. We got along, and I guess I should be happy w/ that, but, God, I miss him. I guess I know now that he isn't coming home and I should let him go.<P>Sorry this is so long. Just needed to let this out.<P>God Bless,<P>Cheryl

Hey honey. It's better to let it all out. I think you handled it beautifuly. You were honest, kind, straight-forward and loving. I am glad to hear you two are starting to get along, that's a start. It will make this whole situation much easier on yourself and your daughter. <BR>You have gotten so strong over the time I have been lurking here. I hope you can see that too.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lots of love,<BR>Viki<P><BR>

Ah honey, now I understand exactly what you meant on my thread...<P>I'm so sorry... <P>God, I wish I had those feelings for my H... <P>This may sound stupid, but at least you can <B>feel</B>... you may not think so, but it is a blessing.<P>Hugs, Sheryl<BR>

Viki-<P>Thank you for the kind words. I don't know if I feel stronger or not. All I know right now, is that I miss my H and I miss my family. I may never understand this, but I guess I have to deal with that.<P>Sheryl-<P>Oh, my friend. I wish I knew what to say. Sometimes I wish I DIDNT feel so much. Maybe that would make this easier.<P><BR>One thing I forgot to mention. I told my H that I still loved him. He said that wasn't healthy for me, since we weren't together. I said that it was healthy for me and that I couldn't just stop loving him. He told me that he did love me once. He started to cry. I really looked at that as him feeling SOMETHING for me.<BR>I don't know what God has planned for me. I just need to be patient (something I am NOT good at)<P>God Bless,<P>Cheryl

{{{{{{{{{{<B>Cheryl</B>}}}}}}}}}},<BR>{{{{{{{{{{<B>Cheryl</B>}}}}}}}}}},<BR>{{{{{{{{{{<B>Cheryl</B>}}}}}}}}}},<P>You and Sheryl are having real tough times...<P>My heart goes out to you...<P>It's so hard to know when/if to left go.<P>Please know you too are loved... here... <P>Jim

ceecee,<P>Feeling bad for you right now. I am sorry that this ishappening to you, especially right before Christmas <P>I have my candle going for both you and Sheryl tonight. Ach, this is a strange day for everyone. <P>I amy be the only one thinking this way, but I can't WAIT for the new year...it has GOT to be better than this cr@ppy year!<P>Wishing you the love and peace you deserve out of life...<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Jim-<P>Thank you for the hugs. Boy, do I need them. I was hoping for that Christmas miracle- doesn't look like it's going to happen.<P>RMA-<P>Thank you. No, you are not the only one feeling that way. I have never in my life wanted a year to end more than this one. It HAS GOT TO BE BETTER!!<P>Thanks.<P>Cheryl

Good greif, what's this??.....<BR>Just got off the phone w/ H. I called him because we forgot to talk about visitation on Friday. I didn't know if he had made plans w/ D, so I called.<BR>He said he didn't have ANY plans for Christmas eve and that he would like to see her. <BR>He asked me why I thought D was not wanting to see him or be w/ him. I said I didn't know, but I hoped he wasn't some how blaming me. He said, no, I know it's not you. He said it makes him so sad. I said, I know. <BR>Then he said, "Maybe she is trying to punish me". I didn't know what to say.<BR>Then, I apologized for being so emotional w/ him tonight. I said the last thing he needed was me crying on his shoulder. He said, " It's ok, it didn't bother me a bit. We have a history together, Cheryl, it's hard." <BR>I told him that it was so hard to let him go, and he said, IT'S HARD TO GO!!!<BR>Then, I invited him over for dinner on Christmas eve and then asked if we could all go look at lights afterwards. He said that would be nice.<BR>So.....Now, he is spending Christmas Eve AND Christmas day w/ us. Can you believe this???<P>Welcome to the rollercoaster ride again. It's a ride you won't forget.<P>God Bless,<P>Cheryl<p>[This message has been edited by ceecee (edited December 22, 1999).]

You aren't a foolin about rollercoaster rides. It seems the longer this goes on the higher the highs and then drops just go straight down. Lots of hugs (((((Cheryl)))) Just don't expect too much. (I know easier said then done)<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

SDS-<P>I declare!! You just need to stay buckled in, don't ya?<BR>I am trying not to expect to much, but you are right, it is easier said than done.<P>Thanks. You doing ok?<P>Cheryl

I am hanging in there. It seems like the CHristmas is about to be doomed D and grandbaby are sick. Trying to keep S away from them. He CANNOT get sick. If they aren't better tomorrow I will have to send S to grandparents house. <BR>I just hate those sudden drops that come so unexpectedly. Those are the worst. <P>Tried to go shopping tonight. My brain doesn't want to work. I look at things and nothing registers, and can't even think what I should get anyone. Better get into gear and get it done.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Oh, my stars. e-mail's on the way.<P>Lori

ceecee,<P>See my thread from yesterday - very similar. One day H says we are getting divorced and next day comes over and says he does NOT want a divorce right now.<P>I think we need a new name for this..........<BR>"Rollercoaster" is wayyyyyy too tame!! <P>Keep being nice, becuase he hasn't walked away 100% yet and until that happens, there is always a glimmer of hope!<P>Keeping you in my prayers,<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

oh Ceecee,<P>I'm so sorry, and right before Christmas too.<P>But please don't give up hope. I know it's easy for me to say that, but he wants to be with you Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. That is something positive.<P>Keep hanging on, I'm sending you the biggest hug, and I'll say a prayer in about 10 mins when I head to bed.<P>I'm emailing you tonight.<P>I'm thinking of you, and praying so hard for you.<P>Keep your chin up, I'm right there with you.<P>Jo xxxxxxxxxx

Ceecee -- I wish this weren't happening to you. You really don't deserve this.<P>RMA mentioned the roller coaster. I'm on the same one as you and her. W has her apartment application so she can move out. She hasn't filled it out yet and has been taking it to and from work for over a week now. She doesn't seem to be able to pull the trigger even though she says that she <B>is</B> going to move out on her own and that any additional tries to repair the marriage are a "waste of time".<P>My therapist recommended a psychiatrist for me to evaluate for anti-deps. She is going to put me on something, but she said meds probably wouldn't help the "roller coaster", that it wouldn't stop until W stopped "jerking me around".<P>Please hang in there and I'm here if you need anything.<P>{{{{{{{{{{Ceecee}}}}}}}}}}<P>--DeWayne--

Ceecee,<BR>I hope he realizes what he has soon... for your sake. You are worth so much more than to be going thru this.... we all are. I know that rollercoaster and it's the only one that I have been on that I absolutely hate. I wish so much my wife had the feelings for me that you have for your H. <BR>My hope for you is that you have strength through all this and wisdom. Don't count on you H for rational thoughts, he doesn't know what he wants. Stay strong.....

RMA-<P>You're right. Rollercoasters are suppose to be fun and exciting. This is more like getting thrown into the Grand Canyon and climbing your way out!!<BR>Sorry you are having a crappy time now too. Holidays are very hard.<BR>Thanks for the candle. Got mine burning too!!<P>Jo-<P>I just don't know what to expect. I have to take him at his word, but his actions toward me give me some hope. I just wait and see.<BR>I have not give up yet. Somehow I keep holding on!!<BR>I'll e-mail you tonight.<P>Heartpain-<P>YUCK about W apartment. That is stinky!! Thank you for being there. I need all the support I can get right now. I'm keeping you in my prayers.<P>Mike-<P>I was wondering how you were. Haven't talked in a while. Do you get your son for Christmas? I wish you W would wake up and see reality. She is missing out on a great guy.<P>Merry Christmas all of you. You are my friends and I love you all. You are in my thoughts and prayers every day.<P>God Bless,<P>Cheryl

Cheryl, you are stronger than you think! For anyone to go through the things you are facing has to be. Sometimes I wonder about the scripture (paraprhasing) "God won't give us nothing we couldn't bear" But who am I to question the most high. It just seems like the pain is unbearable at times, but continue to hang in there. <P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."

I'm so happy that your H wants to spend x-mas eve w/your D & you. Time to deposit those Love Units! Hopefully, things will go in your direction. My fingers are crossed.

ceecee<BR> My heart is with you. My H sends me mixed messages also. He told me that we will get a divorce after the 1st. But I think there is hope for you. Its great that your spending Christmas together.<BR>P.S. I sort of responded to you on Roll Me Aways thread. I guess we sort of have the same questions/thoughts.<BR>Love faythe