Things did not go well tonight. He was nice and pleasant when he dropped off S. But he wouldn't stay for dinner. I asked him twice if he was sure and he said no. He left and went to OW house. My son was very sad that his D was leaving and that makes me very sad. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I am just about ready to give up on him. I just can't take the pain anymore. I really don't think he is ever going to come home. He doesn't even think about us. He just comes and then goes. Doesn't ask if there is anything he can do to help around here or anything. Amazing who he has become.

Oh,buck up little camper.I can sympathize with you a great deal.I know today is hard for you but ride out those feelings.You most likely will feel different tomorrow,if only a bit stronger.

Our stories are a bit similar.My WH is the sole "breadwinner" and makes a huge salary but wasn't home a lot to do anything around the house or much with the kids, though before the A he was always really attentive and loving and fun.I was always the one to do everything: cook,clean,iron,press,take care of the kids,walk the dog,service the car,mow the lawn,yada yada yada.Still like that as of today but you know what,I am really good at it all and better than WH.LOL

You are still so early in the game and although no one has the right to tell you when you have had enough,try to put some time frames out there that you can work with.For me,I said to myself that 6 months from DDay was going to be a turning point for me.I almost didn't make it there because I was confident that I wanted a D but then literally 2 days later,my WH asks to reconcile.

Now,we are having some issues with that but I think maybe if you were in Plan B you might feel better about things.It will allow you to detach from the pain of your WH being with OW and coming and going and you really do get stronger and more focused on life.I read many of your other posts and if you feel like you could continue with a Plan A a bit longer that may be better but I think it's a personal issue,not so much a time line.For me,I did a good Plan A for about a month but I was in danger of rapidly losing my love for WH so I had to go to Plan B and there where other reasons "unique" to my situation that moved me in that decision.

In other words,each day was so different for me,one day I was determined that I wanted a D then the next day I was ok.Please do consider a Plan B before going to Plan D.Follow the MB rules and have a *plan of attack instead of letting your emotions rule your thoughts,that is dangerous.Hang in there and keep posting.We're here for you.

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Just to clarify: 6 months for me was going to be a time for evaluation of the state of my marriage and the situation.Not the Plans.

O

Oct

Thanks for posting me back. I really needed to hear from someone. I just feel like I am waiting for OW left overs. He has no love for me at all. He looks at me like I am the wall. If he touches me he freaks out. Like I have burned him or something. I just wanted to reach out and kiss him. I do need to plan B really bad I think. I wish I could stay with the plan A longer. But everytime he comes and goes I want to cry. I just don't understand him anymore. I wish he was still here so I could understand him better. He wants to sell the house in April and for me and the kids to find another place to go. Every time he comes he takes more stuff to his brother's house. I guess I just feel so empty inside right now without him. He was my best friend until the A. Thanks for listening.

Hi again,

Yeah,I know.My WH and I were best friends,each other's first "real" loves,been together more than half our lives,etc.It was a shocker to me when the A came out.The feelings of emptiness are common and can be due to low self esteem,the A itself and/or not having a plan in place that is helping you.It is like splashing around in the water instead of swimming to shore.Don't sink,swim.

Read up on Plan B.I really think it may do you good especially because you have the added burden of a WH who is going to try and uproot you and the children(selling home) and you need some strength to deal with that.Floating around on a Plan A that doesn't appear to be helping and also is contributing to your feelings of despair is a time to re-evaluate what you are doing.

Your WH is DEEP in the fog right now so being around you or having anything to deal with you is going to be painful to him.You are a reminder of what he has and is doing.This is when Plan B is also helpful because if he is determined to live/be with OW then let her try to meet all his needs.Sometimes that is the fastest way for a WS to wake up and smell the reality.

In the meantime,you are in your plan focusing on you and your children,getting stronger.Plan B is all about taking care of you.Incidentally,are you taking any antidepressant's? I am and they have really helped.

O

Hope,
Octobergirl has some great advice for you. It may be time for Plan B.
I've been dealing with my WH's A for over a year now! It's only been the last few months that I have any sign of the man I once I knew and loved.

I believe he wants to come home, but because of the magnitude of what he has done, it is incredibly difficult for him to make it happen.

Your WH is doing all the same things that every WS does, I remember the pulling away when I tried to touch him, the anger in his eyes, the kids not being his priority, not caring about our home....I remember thinking, what has happened to him, why does he look at me like that, when will this pain go away.

I believe now that even though the A was a source of fantasy and enjoyment for WH in the beginning, it slowly became his source of pain and confusion.
It is difficult to watch....

I wanted to scream, STOP THIS MADNESS! Look at what it is doing to you and to us!

However, while they are in the fog, they just cannot see things as clearly as we can.

You need to protect yourself emotionally and financially if you must, see a lawyer, establish support, don't let him rush you out of your home, your children don't need so many changes in their lives right now.

It is so hard to be where you are at. All you can think about is the A, you wonder if you will make through the next hour, day, week...

It DOES get better, oh, the pain is there, but you will cope better...concentrate on yourself, do things for you, take care of your children, they need you more than ever.

Your WH will probably come out of the FOG, it is just a matter of when. So for now, all you can do is protect yourself, LIVE your life, prepare for the rollercoaster ride and hang on!

YOU can do this...all of us here never thought we could in the beginning...but here we are, stronger than ever...

Take care and hang in there...you'll be ok.

I know that feeling of being looked at like you are the wall. Your WH's behavior is very typical. My H and I were best friends too, until the A.

I think you need to give it more time. In the meantime, get busy doing things to increase your self-esteem. I exercised, joined a women's support group, started my own business, rearranged and organized, cleaned, painted, etc.

Also have you checked with lawyer about financial matters?

Well I saw a lawyer and he said that there is no way a judge is going to say he has to pay all the bills and he is for now, so the lawyer said let him do it as long as he is willing to. I am a SAHM and I have had two back surgeries so I am waiting on a SSD case to come through. So financially I think we are all set. He said he would take care of us until I heard something from SSD. Which I think he will. He has so far. He is living with his brother and he doesn't get to see OW very much as they live so far from each other. Well I mean he see's her at work. I think he is trying to keep it quiet at work because he is embarrassed about what he has done. Some of his close friends know at work but they aren't going to tell anyone. I don't think any of the old timers that he works with that would have an impact on him know. Everyone else knows even the OW mother and father. I told her they must be really proud of you. She said well we didn't intend for this to happen, it just sort of did. Guess what they have in common? Her ex-husband who cheated on her at work. My WH worked with him and she was married to him. That is what she told me. That it all started out with joking about OW X and then they started talking and before you knew it they fell in bed together. When he comes here it is like he has no feelings at all. He came back after the last time he left (3 weeks) in the middle of the night pledging his love and to make it work. He never quit seeing her at all and I knew it. Lots of indicators there. Getting home late, underwear, wanting to have S in the middle of the night when he got home. You know all those things. Anyway I found the condoms in his bag and he said he was going to try to do her in the parking lot at work. Ewwww! I told her that and she said oh no that wouldn't happen. I said it already did who are you kidding? She didn't know what to say then. Anyway I am lost and confused and I am not sure if I should give up or wait.

Do you have a lawyer for the SSD? There are sneaky ways to get it.

I would wait and stay in Plan A. Wait until you have to go to Plan B.

Believer

I do have a lawyer for SSD and she is very good. We are in the appeal process right now. It went back to a judge again. He looking at it right now. If all goes well I want to buy this house that we bought together. I read your post about meeting with someone and going to disneyland and stuff and I just think that is so great! It almost made me cry to think of how many nice people there are out there. I actually might be able to work the whole plan A thing a little better this week. On Wed. when he comes I am going to leave the house and leave him here with S. This will be the first time he has been in the house since he left. I will make sure it is clean and that there are fresh cookies made and stuff like that. I am going to tan and visit a friend and I told him he could stay here instead of leaving with S. He said okay. Then I am thinking that next Sat. I will try to get him to stay here at the house again while I go out with some girlfriends. Because S doesn't like to stay at his brothers trailer with WH, so I never get to go out and do anything. I am thinking here.

Here is what my kids dad did. He put in for SSD and was denied. Then he got a lawyer who told him to put in as a single person with no kids. The lawyer said it was easier to get that way.

Well guess what, he got approved. Then he called me and I went to the SS office and added the kids. H got back benefits from when he first filed. The kids did not, but got them from then on. Seemed kinda crooked to me, but I did not complain.

Anyway continue on, as long as you can. I am about to file for D. But my kids are on their own now. I think anyone with kids should try even after they think they can't do it anymore.

Hopeless,

We somehow have got to help you get into the frame of mind where YOU do not have to make any serious decisions about whether or not to stay in the marriage.IMO,this is not the time to be asking that question but more importantly,how are you going to protect yourself or what is your plan regarding the living situation? Will you be able to stay in the house if you offer to "buy out" his half if he is determined to sell? I believe you said that you jointly own the home is that right?

Also,you might want to appeal to your WH,although this may not work,and tell him it's in the best interest of the children if you are able to stay there in the home and not uproot them from their school and friends,etc.Maybe,just maybe,he might listen to that suggestion.

Now getting back to the ugly affair business.I don't know how much contact you have with the OW but I would keep that to a minimum if at all.It is an assault to your soul to have anyhting to do with her and it's best,IMO,to get some facts straight from you to her and that's it.You cannot believe OW any more than you can believe WH right now.And I could tell you stories about my WH's OW family that is so wacked out,I really feared for my WH at one point.The brainwashing he received when he was with that OW family is sickening.In other words keep away from those people and don't contact them anymore.Focus on you.

If you haven't blown this affair wide open at WH work,I would seriously consider it.Dr.Harley says you should tell everyone short of taking out a billboard and in most cases I would say he's right.Think about it anyway.Any pressure that can be put on the two of them to end the affair is worthwhile but you have to consider it carefully on if and how you would do this.Hopefully if you did consider it we could get some of the other regulars here to debate it.

One more thing.I am a SAHM too and MY lawyer said that I had a very good to excellent chance of maintaining the income my WH was giving to me to pay all our expenses because if that has been his PATTERN on payments all along and he is doing well with such payments on his own,I most likely would have been able to keep receiving that income in the best interest of the **children and maintaining the stability for them and at our home.So,maybe you should seek a second opinion on this issue,if you want.Your WH may be paying for everything right now but are you prepared for when he decides he wants to pull the plug? Just make sure you have all your ducks in a row.

O

Sorry to hear things aren't working out for you after all this time. I am never filing for D. I told him that. I am also trying to expose their affair at his work to everyone I can, maybe this will open his eyes a little and embarrass her also. She is supposed to be such a great mother. I have a friend that works in a nail shop and she has a big mouth, I told her to spread the word. I am still trying here. I have a lot of love in my heart for him. You can email me anytime at Tracestar@aol.com.

Follow Octobergirls advice. She is one of the one's that kept me from letting my H come back. Two days later I caught him in bed with OW.

Thanks gals. Well I told him that I probably wasn't going to hear anything on the SSD for a year and he sighed and said okay. So I asked him what were me and the kids supposed to do? He said stay there until you hear something and I will keep taking care of the bills for you. Then he said something about moving into a trailer or whatever after you do hear. I am thinking no way, he is going to pay atleast half of all of the expenses here at the house for the rest of his life. I am not letting him get away with anything. He has maintained all the bills here for 6 years by himself and this is how it is staying until I hear something about SSD. I screwed up yesterday by giving him the letter that trueheart wrote to WS everywhere. I won't let it happen again though. He read it and acted like I was going nuts or something. From now on it is plan A all the way. I am going to plan A until April. With him living so far away from OW and only getting to see her at work and on Fri. nites and sometimes Sat. their romance will slowly die out, probably faster than we think. Although they were able to keep the flame burning for 4 months before I found out with only seeing each other for an hour or so a night during the week after work. She used to be on 2nd shift with him. Now she is on 3rd and he is on 2nd. Their time together is limited. He is due to go on days soon though maybe April or July. Then they would have evenings together also, but she would be gone all night. I don't see it lasting but maybe I am wrong. He does fall hard when he falls. I remember how much he used to love me in the beginning. He was so jealous of everyone I talked to and everything. I don't talk to OW at all. Just one time to ask her if had been lying to her and he had. OW didn't care though. She ate it all up and lived with it. OW didn't even care that we were still intimate. Ewwww! I am going to expose it to everyone at his work. I am emailing people right now as we speak spreading the word about him and her and how they have ruined my kids lives. I am doing better. Thanks gals.

Any ideas on how to search for email addresses for people? I can't find anyone that WH works with online. I almost got a notion to print up something that says WH and OW are having an affair and putting on the bulletin board at his work. Or something that says OW name has ruined WH family by having an affair with him. Gosh that would be so great if I could do that. I wonder if you can get in trouble though? Probably, that would be neat to do though.

Hey girl! You sound much better today. Very pro-active! You got such great advice from Octobergirl. That is awesome.

I also really like the idea of letting WH come over and you getting out. When my WH lived with his parents, before the apartment, that's what we did.

You just seem to be in such a better place. Took some of your power back. Good for you!

Hugs, Amy

Hi Amy

Nice to hear from you today! I am trying to take back some of the power. I am trying to be strong for the kids. I think I need more meds though. I am only on 20mg of prozac and I don't think it is enough. I am hungry all the time again though. I have lost 40 lbs through this since nov. and that was a good thing. Unfortunately I let myself go being married and settled in. Now I look really good, and I am tanning now and everything. I don't want to gain the weight back. WH likes big women though. OW is 100 lbs heavier than me at least. I will never understand it. Any ideas on finding the email addresses?

I know what you mean about the weight. I have lost 30 pounds, and my appetite has come back all the way. So my butt is at the gym at least every other day. I look good, too.

The emails. Do you know any of his coworkers that you could contact by phone to get the information from? If it is a large company, you can usually tell how they give out the addresses by your WH's address. For instance, first intitial, then last name, up to 8 characters, @blahblah.com.

What do you think about that?

He is a union worker and doesn't have email at all. The only way for me to get emails is to call someone I guess. I have no idea who though I don't work with any of them and don't really know any of them. I will give it my best though. I don't think WH really cares at this point though.