Yes, Plan A has failed. My husband is still in contact with OW... even though he is loving to me... caring.. trying to hold me..

Plan A failed! he refuse to contact the OW and leave her...

This is how plan A failed....... and if I don't leave he will not move his [censored] to stop contact with her.

Will he post here? I want to give him one last warning.

well.... he only read about plan A. he isn't the type to actually go on msg boards. He doesn't do that. He doesn't want to talk about his real self to anyone.. well except for me and the OW.

Hi Harudah,

Did you give the poem to your H? I understand french. I know you sent it to us, but there is a lot of pain in the words (if I'm reading it correctly).

Have you talked to your H about you leaving? Does he know your plans to go back to the States?

Je sais que tu as beaucoup de peine en ce moment, mais n'oubliez pas de penser avant de prendre un decision qui peut changer le restant de ta vie, I know that when we're hurting we want to make it go away, does your H want you to leave? Does he know that you plan on leaving? Do not run away, that is all I'm trying to say.

Well, I am not running away. Yes you are right. I am hurt.

Did I tell him that I leaving? I am in the process.. for some reason, I don't want to open a can of worms tonight. Although I really want to just give my lines out. I told Amy what my lines were.

It starts with you. "I love you, and I wanted to make our marriage work. With my recent discovery, it turned out that you have not really stopped contact with the ow. You can tell me that you have stopped, but she didn't stop. She doesn't know what you want..so its like you are keeping the both us. Since the NC letter is really the primary part of plan A, which you refuse to do. It is an indication that you do not want our marriage to work and keep on with the OW. The choice is yours now. I am leaving to give you space to make up your mind. You are welcome to come to the states whenever you are ready to work in our marriage seriously, but I must work on myself and make life better for myself."

Tell me what you guys think? He came home today with groceries, I've made dinner and he asked why I wasn't going to class.... told him I didn't feel likeit today.. although I went to my other class.
I just don't know how I will tell him that I am leaving because I do not think I can take crying 2 days in a row... I've been crying too much.. like I don't want to open my wounds.. but they are still hurting I just don't want to make it bleed.

I did send him the lyrics to the song. He didn't say anything as if he wants to wipe yesterday's episode.. but I cannot continue to act like knowing the OW still exist...

Hi
how are you today? Did you see the doctor?

Sounds like you are moving to plan B. Have you read up on it? Will you be giving him a plan B letter. If you are I would suggest that you ger some help from the vets here. The plan a/b section is good for that. I often see drafts of letters there with several versions before they are finally delivered.

How long did you plan A? Sounded like you were going pretty well until this incident. Was it a good plan A. Have you exposed affair?

I am glad to see that you seem more thoughtful today and a bit calmer. Cry if you need to. This such an emotional time. I am so sorry that you are feeling this pain.

I had better get to work on my thesis
Thinking of you
C&S

You really should go to your classes: as i said before, its probably not a good idea to stay at home all day with your thoughts. Your classes will give you something else to concentrate on while you deal with this difficult mental trauma you are having.

If you do decide to stay, and find the motivation to achieve once agin, you do not want to have jeopardised your studies further.

If you havent already, you must tell him how you feel, all the things you have described here. You could even email him this thread. He may not realise how badly this is affecting you, and may be prompted to do NC.

Glad you are calmer today, sending my love

Please give us an update. What is going on with you?

It's not worth it. I already screw up the year. It's over for me. I will not be staying. I didn't sleep at all last night. I was coughing and sneezing.... well I have the flu and a raging headache.
My husband is stubborn. I don't think he cares that I trust him. He isn't going to do anything about it. This is the harsh reality of things. Maybe that's his plan. This is his plan to get rid of me. I've been asking for that letter for a long time. Ever since I found this site... and when we were in the first stage to recovery. I let it go.. but when I found out that he was still in contact with the OW ... I insited upon it.

I just think he is keeping the OW in case I leave. She wrote to him to tell him how much she is hurting, how much she loves him.. and that she has taken days from work for her deppression and she cannot go on with life without him.
I know it doesn't matter she says.

My husband still talks about our future, he talks about everything.. but I don't think he means anything.

You know, I am hurting less and less. It's ok. I am realizing that I don't want to be with a man that has let me down all these past months. I did everything for him, then he turned around and cheated on me. He still doesn't care that he continue to hurt me. So, I am going to send him the letter for plan B. That's the only way for me.

Well my girl, I'm not going to be of much help to you. Tonight H and I had a huge blowup. I told him that I am done and filing for divorce.

He still maintains that OW "could be" out of the picture, has been out of the picture, he wants to stay married, blah, blah, blah. I did some serious LB'ing.

But anyway, I was reading Dr. Harley's "what to do with an unfaithful husband" on this site. In one of the cases he advised the wife to move back home where she has lots of support. It made me think of you.

Sorry all of this is happening to you right now. I really am still very hopeful for your marriage. Hang in there and take good care of you.

Another thing that hurts is that his mom thinks that I can easily forgive everything and go back to normal. As much as I tried these two last months. I cant anymore. I told her aobut the messages that I found. She said "just take his word for it." RIGHT this is the guy that told me he was going to do research, then went to do a fat whore! NO! I can not!

I was past this stage where I was mad, seems like I am going to it.. but really I am not. I am just aggrevated that his family thinks this can be swept under the rug. His family has been very nice to me.. THey are not mean. Nicest in-laws anyone can ever want. That is the truth, but I don't think they understand. She knows how serious this is, yet she wants me to play like I have nothing. I have to keep his little secret! I have to act like I'm happy. I am not!

This is just venting.... Beleiver, I am really okay today. I am getting my distance from H. He is saying "you're just cutting the cord slowly." I still love him, but I cannot be with him. It's just the realization. He will never be happy with me and I am not going to be happy with him. Not after this.....I knoww... only time can tell. I am not packed yet if you are wondering.. I am naturally on vacation from school as of today. I will clean the house, cook his meals, and do things to keep me busy during this time that will not require much concentration.

This will give me time, and him time to sort the things out and step on plan B. I know you guys think "lord, only if that idiot would just write that stupid letter." See even if he writes it, I don't think I'd beleive him not to write to her through email....although she no longer have a PC at home..Just at work...but has taken a medical leave... which worked out to my advantage somehow..but they communicate through cell phones... He may say he goes to work, he might just be with her RIGHT this minute. She was saying that she wants to hold him right now. How much she is loving him. I just hope they are happy together.
Im 22.. I don't want to waste anymore of my precious time except for the time that I am here. The credits I would be getting in this school would not even transfer very nicely to my old university... that's one of the reason I stopped anyways. I was planning on moving back home. Times like this...I need to be in the states where I have my friends, my stupid family, even when they are not very supportive of me most of the time, but good or bad my mom would never let me be in the street or hurt me the way h has.

I am not crying anymore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I guess its the meds kicking in. I am being rational and stuff. That's weird. Even when I have such a headache!

Well long entry..I know but I know you guys are so sweet to me and supportive. YOu'll read it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Harudah -

Don't expect any support from his family. I was very good friends with my H's sister. I called her when I caught OW in bed with him. Her response was less than supportive. Right then I knew not to talk to her anymore.

Tonight was it for me. I told WH I hoped he had a nice life with the ditchwh%re.

hey beleiver!!! babygirl! I seriously think its time you let go! I know I'm suppose to tell you to keep on, but keeping on will only hurt. And its' been a year, and he is still switching back and forth with the OW! So you know what? continue the way you've been. YOu've been so strong lately! You see.. he even made you LB!

HUGS TIGHTLY!!!

Now you've waited enough, and you've been healing yourself.. so be good to you m'dear. I love you, and all the girls here loves you. You're such a wonderful person and a wonderful friend. WHen I get to the states, I will always keep in contact with you.

Anyways.. I know what you mean about his family are never going to be supportive my decision. Anyways.. its cool <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am fine today... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> things are peaches and cream... except for my cold..

BIG HUGS and kisses

I WROTE THE PLAN B LETTER!!!
I sent the B letter, he has read the b letter, and he said nothing..... he acted like I didn't say anything. He just continued on without saying anything. He doesn't beleive that I will leave. That is why I must LEAVE! I am asking my mom to send me a ticket... I don't want my marriage anymore. I know plan B is real risky, but oh well. I'll be stronger.

Harudah-

Here is the letter I was telling you about.

Dear Dr. Harley,
This past Summer, my husband of 14 years confessed he had been having an affair with a woman from work for the past two years. He contemplated leaving me and our two children many times but could not bring himself to do it. He claims he loves us and cares about us but he is not in love with me.

Our love relationship started going down hill after having our children with all the pressures of family life. But it didn't really get bad until after he started the affair. Our power struggle has always been him not having enough sex, and me not having enough affection. We recently read your book, His Needs, Her Needs, and agree that we were both at fault.

The logic of it all is easy to see but my husband is seeing everything from an emotional view, he feels love for her and he doesn't feel love for me. He has not been seeing the other woman even though they work at the same place and I believe he is sincere about it. We have been just riding it out until our emotions start to level out but we are both growing impatient.

I have suggested counseling but my husband is reluctant because he says he knows what his feelings are. I asked him, "If we could restore the intimacy we once had, would he want to stay with me?" He said, "Yes." My husband is a truly wonderful person with qualities that are had to find. I love him more than anything and the last thing I want is for him to move out; but the tension is so high. Sometimes we do relax and have a great time but that seems to scare him and he gets depressed and withdraws again.

Right now I feel like the only way to win his heart back is to separate for awhile. It would mean that the kids and I would have to move back to my family, out of state, in the meantime. He feels that would be unfair. He doesn't want his life disrupted like that. He wants to have access to his children. The move would be really hard on all of us but I cannot stand thinking I will have to live in our home with all our memories without even having the love and support of my family. My real question is would counseling help at this point considering his emotional state or am I better off letting him find out what his real feeling are for me by separating?

I don't want another marriage to end up in divorce because of a communication problem. But my husband feels the love is too long gone to get it back.

W.M.


Dear W.M.,
As you know from having read my book, I advise your husband to never see his lover again. He must move to another job and possibly to another state before he can reconcile with you. Otherwise, he will continue to love her and be unable to resist seeing her from time to time. Even if your marriage improves, he may never be able to overcome his feeling of love for this other woman unless he stops seeing her.

But, from your description, he is unlikely to accept my advice -- at least at this time. All of his talk about the way he "feels" proves that he is addicted to his lover. So I recommend a three step plan to you.

The first step is to be the very best wife you can possibly be. Do everything you can to meet his needs, and don't do anything to upset him. Set a period of time that you think you can do this without getting too upset, say, six months. Once in a while, tell him that you think both of you need a fresh start somewhere else.

If he does not respond to your kindness and respectful suggestions within that period of time you're ready for the second step: pack up yourself and your children and move near your family and friends for their support. It should be far away from his lover -- another city or even another state. Have absolutely nothing to do with him. Don't talk to him, don't see him.

If you are forced to say something to him, tell him that you love him and hope he can free himself from the addiction of his affair. Let him know that the only way you will consider restoring your relationship with him, is for him to quit his job and move to where you are. From there you will start life over again. Be certain that your words and tone of voice communicate your care for him, not your anger.

Your husband is not likely to follow you right away after you've given him his ultimatum. He will try to develop a relationship with his lover first. But in the vast majority of cases, it doesn't work out because he needs both you and she. She meets some of his needs and you meet others. He will discover how much he misses you when he is with her.

In the event that he stays with his lover and he does not come back to you, you avoid untold sorrow trying to reach a man who is in love with another woman. As you wait for his decision, it is very important to surround yourself with your family and friends as you go through this crisis. In the end, if he chooses his lover, the experience will be much harder on him than on you.

If he eventually agrees to your terms, you begin the third step, which is to start again with a new commitment to meet each other's needs and avoid Love Busters -- in a new location.

At first, he will be depressed because he misses his lover. He goes through a grieving process that usually lasts a few weeks. For some, it takes as long as a year to overcome, but this is quite rare. His affair is an addiction, and the withdrawal from his lover, puts him into a very painful emotional state. If he calls his lover on the telephone, or inadvertently sees her, the clock is set back to zero, and the period of withdrawal begins again. That's why he must avoid all contact with her for the rest of his life.

After the period of withdrawal has ended, he will open his heart to you and give you a chance to meet his need for sex, and other needs his lover met. He will also learn to meet your needs, particularly your need for affection. You will have an opportunity to build a new lifestyle together, one that fits your needs so well that it will affair-proof your marriage.

When the ordeal is over, you will both know what a marriage should be -- what yours could have been, right from the beginning.

Thanks Beleiver. He says "she's probably dead by now." I think I want to push them together. I am letting go. I told my mom to send me a ticket from home. This is what she has been waiting for.

Anyways, I wrote my husband and told him how I was feeling and that I want to separate. He took it with a grain of salt. I guess the tone of the letter did not set right. I'll just leave, it doesn't matter. He talks about us moving to the higher bigger apartment.....upstair. IS HE CRAZY? He acts like he doesn't hear me.

Now it's me that's being cold now. We watched this movie together funny.. we still can have so much fun when we forget about the affair for a while. The OW's SMS messages got him thinking.. he thinks she's dead.. blah.. what the hell is wrong with him? Anyways he says "you don't beleive me, but I am telling the truth. Does this message look like something I said to her to make her send it?" Anyways I wish I knew how to block numbers from cell phone. I am a complete idiots when it comes to cell phones because I do own one myself. He said he would buy me one this month, but I don't want.

Like I said.. I made dinner, cleaned the house.. he compliment the dinner of course. He was touching my face.. and trying to take care of since I have the flu. I am getting distant though... I can't help it.

I emailed my mother to send me a ticket to come home. She's going to do it ASAP... you'll see

(lately, it sounds like I don't want to work on my marriage anymore. I still love him, but I realized we cannot live together. If he beleives that the OW was not a mistake.)

"On and on we seem to go, but you don't know what you got till its gone."
THey are two deppressed individuals that must be together.

My H's OW pulled the same thing. Last time he had NC with her, she was in bed 3 days crying. So he went back to her. OW are very manipulating. It makes me want to gag.

well H said that he did not email her. He doesn't really want to hear from her. I asked "why don't you block the number?" "I don't know how.. and I am not going to do that."

Ok forget it! My mom emailed me back! she wants to send it. HA HA I TOLD YA!!! I know my mama.. she is sending it.. I just need to pick a ****ing date. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> now isn't that sweet? My mama loves me.. "NO SHE ****ING DOESN"T LOVE....SHE"S GOING TO BE TREATING ME LIKE **** in a couple of days."

uhmmmmmm ...... anyways I am an adult, I shouldn't be reacting the way I have been. I sound like a crazy woman lately.

And Beleiver, I don't understand this whore, "WHY IS SHE SO HUNG ON MY H! she thinks its the only good looking guy that I will HAVE her.. because she's so ugly and fat!!!" What the ****!

I should just give her number and to all my friends and have ****ed up all over. But I won't... that will be off MB and MB has been helping me. I cannot let MB down.

Random thoughts:... just that today.. I woke up.. sick. Hubby tucked me in tight and told me to stay warm...and kissed me before he leaves. Weird man.. weird.........

Hi girl
You sound a bit frazzled today. I am about to go to bed. Are you leavinf to go home today?
Your H seems to be on another planet and I think he takes you for granted. I don't think he is absorbing the fact that you are about to leave.

He needs to block number and go no contact. I am beginning to think that leaving is the best you can do. Might bring him to his senses when he feel the loss of you.

Believer. I am sorry for where you are at. If you think divorce is the way we are all here for you. You spend so much time supporting all those in need. Hugs to you.

I am off to Canberra for a few days so will be off line. I am praying for the two of you.
Lots of love
Donna (C&S)

harudah -
Update, please. Did you stay or leave?