(I posted this in other place trolling for max responce sorry for the duplication to those reading both places)
We are 1 month past d-day. This site and forum has been really helpful. I have not posted until now. He ended the A as soon as I found out and asked him to, I saw the letter he wrote her and her responce, he has told me the one time they spoke since then.( I am believing) He is in individule counceling prior to my finding out and we are starting couples sessions with a different person (had one meeting)
I had the atomic bomb go off in my world because I could not beleive we were in such different marriages. The marriage he has been in was pretty bad, the one I am in was tough but not all that bad. Very confusing to me.
Since I better understand his feelings of how I have negelected him, I am working very hard to address his needs.
He is still very angry and holding onto the laundry list of things I said in the last year that hurt him. Both therapists have told him that while I may not have actually known he was in an affair, I "knew" it enough and while not excusing my behavior, he "invited" some of the crazyness into our marriage. I was very verbally abusive to him while he was in treatment for depression.
the last 18 months is a complete abberation of the 15 years we have been married and I am trying to put my anger aside and look to the future. He says he want to rebuild our marriage and family, but then pulls back.
I have asked him for a letter telling me what he wants. I feel if he puts it in writng he will make it more concrete.
But I am so afraid he will change his mind again. I feel desperate and I know I am badgering him with this. I do not want to nag, but he is taking my declarations of love and intent to rebuild as nagging. I am having anxity attacks over this.
I am not sure if we can move forward without an authentic declaration from him, it is important to me.
I am afraid I have given him an easy ride by deciding to commit to ur marriage and family so immediatly. He has appoligised for the affair, but very little has actually been said. I know he has ened it but I do not think he is aware of how much I hurt and how unsure I feel abut our future because of his ambivilance.
If the marriage ends it will not be because of the OW, but because he is so intent on chewing on his anger towords me.
How can I stop nagging and reassure him of my committment and get his responce? How long does it take to feel solid again? I feel vaporized.

Okay breathe in.....breathe out.

Glad to see you are going to be having MC soon.

Part of what you husband is going thru is called projecting.

He feels guilty for what he did but he isn't ready to accept the blame....so he projects his own guilt at you. After all if I can say she made me do it then I don't have to face the fact I chose to do this painful thing.

If he severed all ties with OW and truly is sorry then you have alot to work with especially since he is going to therapy.

This going to be long process so be patient. Read all you can read about affairs and dealing with them.

Hang in there.

You will go through alot of ups and downs. Try to be gentle with yourself and your H. Ask him for what you need and try to be patient if he can't deliver right away. Fulfill his ENs and try to see the positive. You will probably feel like you are doing all the work and seeing no result. If you wait a little longer and look a bit closer, you will start to see some small changes. Maybe it's not as much as you desire, but neither of you can change overnight.

Maybe you can take some time to work on yourself. What do you want out of life? What do you want to change about yourself? What gives you pleasure?

You may not get the declaration you are looking for for awhile. Let him have his feelings. Whatever they are. Recovery is a very rough road, but if you stay on plan, you will rebuild your M. It doesn't happen in a day or in a month.

Let the MC work for awhile. I'm sure he/she will explore both of your feelings and you will be able to express your hurt there.

Both of you have lots of anger. It takes awhile to heal. Hang on and make sure to take care of yourself.

Thank you both. Reading your responces makes it easier. I need to back off and I know it, but as soon as I see him I get anxious.
He is calling me during the day just to say hello, telling me he loves me often, and being kind. It is during the day that he gets so angry with me. At night he holds me and tells me everything will be ok. I start to relax and then the next day he is angry again.
I know I need to give him time. One of the hard things for him (I think) is that both threrapists validated what I was saying, they were gental about it, but both held him accountable when he wanted to make excuses.
I need patience. I know this. Thanks for your good advice and kind words.

Ok I tried not confronting him for 2 days now. I have kept it light and friendly, have controlled my crying and even initiated some good nookie!
Well, he is more approachable and a bit more affectionate.
tonite we go to MC.
His answer is he is committed to trying to save our marriage.
I say I am determined to save our marriage.
Is this just a male/female communication thing or are we saying different things?
heart open and mouth shut and tear ducts off...I am hopeful!

Ok I tried not confronting him for 2 days now. I have kept it light and friendly, have controlled my crying and even initiated some good nookie!
Well, he is more approachable and a bit more affectionate.
tonite we go to MC.
His answer is he is committed to trying to save our marriage.
I say I am determined to save our marriage.
Is this just a male/female communication thing or are we saying different things?
heart open and mouth shut and tear ducts off...I am hopeful!

Sounds very promising to me. Read the "quick clicks" here on the home page about how affairs should end, overcoming resentment, restoring the marriage, and reconciliation. Dr. Harley does a great job of explaining how both spouses feel.

Don't worry about whether it's fair (it's not). just do the work now to have a better marriage later.