Where to start?? I do a lot of traveling and recently when away from home went to a bar and had an affair. It was primarily acohol induced STUPIDITY, but never the less, i did it. I don't know her name or anything about her. To make matters worse, it was unprotected. I'm sure she will suspect something if I don't make love to her when I get home, but I am scared of putting her health at risk. I plan to find some way to get tested the day I get home and a subsequent test as recommended by my dr. This pretty much gives it away and I know it will break her heart as we have already been having some problems. I just hope this isn't the straw that breaks the camel's back. We've been married for over 20 years and I haven't cheated on her before now. I've asked the Lord why was I so stupid and how to address this terrible situation?? Matters worse, we have a teenage daughter.

Just looking for some words of hope and plenty of prayer.

Thanks

I am sorry you find yourself here. Please please read every link on the marriage builders home page regarding infidelity before you do anything else! In fact, I encourage you to set up an appt with a phone counselor from this site to give you tips on how to talk to your wife in a way that will help her to accept what you have to say.

And my friend, you must tell her. I would suggest that you familiarize yourself with this site first, but don't delay more than a few days. Any delay in telling the truth only compounds the betrayal.

There is NO WAY to avoid telling, if you have any desire to be a man of integrity. In fact, it is the only chance you have to improve/save your marriage. It is a secret that will eat away at your relationship if you do not open up to your wife.

Look at this as a crossroads...you can hide what you did and continue down the road of a sucky marriage and wherever that will take you. Or you can be courageous and honorable and tell your wife what you did. It's hard but right.

Be prepared for her reaction. Read all about it here first. Tell her every darn thing she wants to know. Make sure you set a time and place where you will have privacy to cry together and talk for a long time. She will need your undivided attention and support.

Obviously your marriage has been floating along but in serious trouble. Now you are in a position that the issues must be addressed.

You need to look within yourself and figure out why you were vulnerable, and look within your marriage also. No marriage is perfect and not all unhappy spouses cheat, so what up with you? Why did you choose this road? Read the links on the homepage re "his needs her needs" to begin.

We will support you here through prayer and advice. Keep posting!

Thanks so much for your input. As you said, we have been having a hard time for quite some time now but regardless I still love her more than anything in this world. My wife and daughter are my reason for existance. Through my depression and trying to figure how to speak with her, I have made myself sick. I haven't eaten anything for 3 days and only this morning having some coffee. My stomache is tied up in knots. As I said, there is no excuse and I was a fool. I don't even know who the OW is!!!

How can she or anybody forgive me for being so stupid??? I essentially threw everything I have worked for all my life away for a one night fling. What a fool!!!

Thanks anyway for your reply. I will be leaving for home in two days. Hopefully, I will be a little more prepared by then to face the consequences.

Honesty is always the best policy. My H had an A, and I still don't know all the details or if it has completely ended. What is important is that you are truthful with what happened and what you are feeling. It will be the most heartbreaking news she will ever hear, but be honest about everything, especially how you still feel about her. It will be tough. My H's A was a real wake up call for me. After I thought about our marriage, we have had problems for some time, but I took for granted that my H would never stray. I ignored his needs and he looked elsewhere. Anyway, my point is you and your wife can use this to figure out what has been going wrong with your marriage, fix the problems, and hopefully have a better marriage to show for it. That is my hope for my H and me.

God Bless,
Kris

Thanks so much for your words of encouragement. Although I don't feel very encouraged right now, I know what I have to do. I just feel so badly about the hurt this will cause.

Thanks again. Will let you know how things go. She probably will not ever visit this site. I work in the computer industry and she blames it for me being away as much as I am. She doesn't even do e-mail. If she heard I was turning to you guys for support, she would resent it even more. Really stuck between a rock and a hard place.

You can make it through this. I think you should also encourage your wife to read the info at this site. Some days it is my lifeline. I don't post often, but I read, read, read. People here are very supportive and it helps to know you can contact someone at anytime. I'll keep you both in my prayers. Don't beat yourself up too much - that won't help. You know you made a mistake - admit to it and do something to make things right again.

Kris

Thanks again for the encouragement, but I just can't seem to stop beating myself up. I'm sure my wife will help when I get home, but what a fool I have been. If I am having this hard of a time with the situation, I just can't imagine how she will feel.

Thanks again

Pep,

Thanks for the concern. Yes, I do know the signs of alcholism. However, it is my wife who has the problem with alcohol. I do occasionally drink, and did the other night to excess. She is a daily drinker which has been one of our problems, BUT still no excuse for my actions. We have a very complex set of issues to deal with, and this only complicates them. Not sure if you read one of my recent posts, but we started Christian councelling just before I came over here for this assignment. Being in a foreign country may have had something to do with it. NOOOOO, there is NO excuse. It was stupid judgement.

Thanks for the input,

Just a little follow up to my last. I am not pointing the finger at my wife over alcohol. That's the least of my worries at this point. I really hope this issue does not drive her deeper into depression...alcohol...etc.

We have a number of problems to deal with and you guys have been so helpful so far that I would really like to continue with your input. I am open to ANYTHING, so fire away. I am humble enough to accept your criticism, and hopefully smart enough to do something with it.

Thank you again. Still having problems eating. Now starting to wonder if I may be sick from the encounter instead of worry.

Please PRAY!!!!!