I recently found out about an emotional affair my wife was having with a man she met at work, i'll spare all the details but there was a confrontation where he and i talked and he said that he would end all contact except at her work but i knew thats all he could do. She tells me she is confused doesn't know what she wants, told me tonight that in different times in their lives she could see herself with him. She is very depressed and she really misses him even though they still see each other and she has gone over there. I am trying to build up the love bank with conversation which was really lacking in our relationship. But she doesn't want to end the friendship. How long will it take her to make a decision? And how can i help her? I want this marriage and family to succeed but if she doesn't i can't make it work. She still doesn't think she did anything wrong. I am lost and i want to be supportive and give her space like she said but its hard when we have two small children and live together. Please help anyway you can.<P>Thanks Derek

Hi Derek--<P>Keep reading and posting. Don't let those conflicting feelings build up inside! <P>Try to get your W to read here too. While she is involved in an emotional affair, her confidences and feelings are divided between you and OM. This is definitely a negative in healing your relationship. If you can get her to agree, and can afford, counseling, that would be helpful too. Keep building up her lovebank. Avoid lovebusters.<P>Are there any work options that would cease their contact?<P>

yeah there are other work options but she doesn't want to pursue them. She says she likes her job but complains about a lot of it, she says she likes her customers but doesn't like the politics. she doesn't want to leave the job cause of him, period. I suggested to her that she read some of the stuff on here but she didn't seem very interested. i think she knows that what she is doing is wrong but she is addicted to it and is starting to go through withdrawel even though she still sees him a couple times a day. I just have to be patient and we've been in counseling for about a month, she really doesn't want to be there but is going. The therapist gave us some communication excercises but she doesn't want to do them, we are going tonight we'll see how that goes cause the therapist doesn't know about the confrontation that happened last week. Derek<BR>

Hi, dhorne and welcome to MB!!<P>We're sorry you've had to come here,but very glad you found us. I'll let Jim come by with our official welcome, he'll give you lots of info that'll help you along on this ride.<P>Start out by reading though. Read everything on this site, Harley's principles, our posts. You'll learn a lot and see that you're not alone in this.<P>And come to us. The people here are wonderful. You'll find a wealth of support and advice that will help you understand what's happening, what's gonna happen and how to handle it when it does.<P>So, take about a million deep breaths, we're all doing it with you and try to calm down. That's the first thing. Take care of yourself. You've got to be strong to get through this.<P>We're here for you, ok? Anytime, day or night. Just come here to vent, cry, scream - whatever! That way you don't do these things to your wife.<P>Hang in there. And we're here.<P>Lori

Welcome <B>dhorne</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>Yep... Yep... I'm late...<BR>Thanks Lori for the warm-up!<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>. I see you've done some lurking and reading... keep it up! <P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! <B>You must start into an IMMEDIATE <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A></B>! Read up on it... do it right... many of us made so many mistakes and do it wrong (your's truly included)<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.<BR>We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <B>We</B> do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice base on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours... and ask... ask... ask! <P>If you don't have the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> yet.. <B>get it</B>!<P>I know you don't know the background of many of us "regulars" here... but there is a great post by "Roll Me Away"...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011147.html" TARGET=_blank>Third Session with Steve Harley!</A>... latch onto it... Her situation is a bit different... by she too is now trying an "improved" <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> as advised by Steve Harley (MB Inc. counselor)! Learn from out mistakes... we make them... you will... it's life. But do ask and post!<P>Weekends will be a bit slow here...<BR>I don't know how the holidays will affect that "s l o w"-ness. <BR>Be patient if it's too slow...<BR>Monday will pick up... I guarantee it! <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited December 23, 1999).]

Derek - I have been in your wife's shoes (and may be still in them for that matter). My only advice to you is to be supportive. I know that is hard to ask of you because she is the one that betrayed you - but that is the only thing that you will be able to give her right now. My H and I have been thru a lot within our 10 years of being together (married for the last 5) and he has supported me unconditionally and I really value that. We even split for almost a year and all he wanted to do was be my best friend - but only if that was okay with me. He put me first all of the time and sometimes I questioned his strength. But the fact is that he loves me. You sound like you love your W very much and want to help her. Just do that and things will work out. No promises - just a long road (worth travelling).<P>Take Care -<BR>Brynn