Married: 20 years
Children: 2 teens
WS: Wife 46 yrs old
D-Day: 1/16/04
A Continues: 2/17/04
OM: 28 year old co-worker
Lies: Continuing On. Only admits to things when she is caught.
Affair: EA Only, WW claims
Contact: Continues on, refuses to quit job

For any of you seasoned posters, how much do I put up with? We have started MC but I continue catching her in her lies. She told me BF was 35, then 32, Now I find out he was 28 and he just turned 29. Until a PI company proved the information was when she admitted to the facts. She has NO remorse, blames me for digging into the relationship, never blames herself for the information found or for her own actions.

She says she wants fix our marriage but she lies so much, I cannot tell. She does not want her A exposed at work. I have exposed A to her BF’s parents, our two children, sister-in-law, and to a parent. WW claims BF is looking for a new job, it could be another lie though. She doesn’t want to quit her job. I have asked her to quit or to take a leave of absence till he quits. She says no.

I do not know which way to turn.

MW

MW -

I am telling you, it is just going to take physical TIME. There is no short-cut. There is no way around it. You just have to strap into the rollercoaster ride, and hang on tight.

Just like the rest of us. Did you respond to my earlier post about meds? You seem to be getting more and more uptight. Which is totally understandable! But it is worrisome, if you do not have a plan in place to help yourself. You would be amazed how much more patience and understanding you have with food in your system and good rest.

She is not going to be able to help you for a while. She is foggy. She cannot comfort you, make you feel good about the M, about her A, about anything.

Maybe when you can let go of false-expectation, and realize what you are in for, you can prepare yourself for it, instead of railing against it.

Does that make sense? I know you are doing your best. You are doing awesome. You are very pro-active and honest and level-headed. Do not expect that from her.

This is your show right now. Remember reading the posts about people coming out of the fog? Remember how they said they felt while in the fog about their BS? That is how your W feels about you. She is scared, torn, confused, just like you. Except you can see clearly. She cannot. You need to be strong while she is weak.

It is not fair. It does suck. Hang in there. Post here. We will be your support and venting place, so you can do what you need to do to save your M. Keep reading and posting and venting.

Lots of support and love and hugs! Amy

Midwest,

Ok, here is the deal. The lies are to protect herself, so you might ask her what she thinks she is protecting? Fair question don't you think. Do this calmly. Tell you will continue to find out more, until YOU do not care any more or until she is honest with you on a consistent basis.

You know her decision is NOT your fault. The status of the marriage before the A, you do have some responsibility for, and I would advice you to accept it, although she is accepting none right now.

That will change. I would also like to suggest you read the articles here about Plan A and B. You have been doing plan A but there is a reason for Plan B, and that is remove yourself from the turmoil while the A winds down. The issue remaining is whether the PA has simply reverted to an EA but continues. IF it continues then plan B is the next step and the reason Harley put it in there is because it IS NEEDED OFTEN.

Frankly, I am going to simply tell you to calm down and give this time and patience. YOU cannot fix what is broken in your W only she can. You cannot make her love you, she has to decide to do that. YOU cannot make her act like a W, only she can. YOU can only decide how you are going to act, and where your boundaries are. Work on those two things. The rest is up to her.

If you find out she is lying about something, just tell her "you are lying to me again" and then shake your head and walk off. There is no need to fight about it, there is really no need to do anything except to express your knowledge and show your disappointment. But, all of this must be her decision.

Hang in there, she is going through withdrawal IF the EA/PA has truely ended. If she is still in the A, then there is really nothing you can do except consider plan B.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you Both for your thoughts.

MW

MW -

I am concerned about your mental and physical health. Have you seen your doctor about getting some meds? You need to be able to think clearly at this critical juncture in your M crisis.

You have been very methodical and logical to this point. Using that part of your brain, does it not make sense to keep yourself as patient, insightful, and rested as possible?

Please respond to my questions. I am concerned.

Amy

Amy. I had previously taken some anti-D but I quit. I just started taking them again yesterday. Thanks you for your concern regarding my well being. I am changing my forgiving attitude towards my WW. I am only feeling disgusts towards her at this point.

MW

Oh oh. No, no. Have you read the "quick clicks" on the home page about how an affair should end, overcoming resentment, restoring the marriage, and reconciliation? If not, read them soon.

Believer, I have been reading lots on infidelity. My WW hates the information I have and tell her about. I told her Dr. Harley has seen her many times before and she is predictable. She hates it because of that.

MW