Made this post a couple of times. I already feel dirty and ashamed, and can't even get somebody who's been through this to respond. Please talk to me!! I know she's going to want me to leave.
This is what I posted before.

Where to start?? I do a lot of traveling and recently when away from home went to a bar and had an affair. It was primarily acohol induced STUPIDITY, but never the less, i did it. I don't know her name or anything about her. To make matters worse, it was unprotected. I'm sure she will suspect something if I don't make love to her when I get home, but I am scared of putting her health at risk. I plan to find some way to get tested the day I get home and a subsequent test as recommended by my dr. This pretty much gives it away and I know it will break her heart as we have already been having some problems. I just hope this isn't the straw that breaks the camel's back. We've been married for over 20 years and I haven't cheated on her before now. I've asked the Lord why was I so stupid and how to address this terrible situation?? Matters worse, we have a teenage daughter.

Just looking for some words of hope and plenty of prayer.

Thanks

Ididit -

You are at the right place to get some advice and insight. I am a BS, but I can tell you are a lot of pain, and I wanted you to know I read your story and have compassion for you.

You have some hard decisions to make, and lots of work to do. I believe that 100% honesty is the only way to go, as do a lot of others on this site.

Before intimate relations with your W, she deserves that you go get tested for everything. She also deserves to be told about the A before intimate relations again, so she does not feel violated when she does discover the A (because she probably will).

Have faith in her and your M. I understand that you say there were issues before this. An A very rarely happens in healthy, strong marriages.

But you do have the tools here to have the best chance of recovery. So, read read read. Post post post. Get the books that are recommended on this site. Read questions and answers. Read the basic concepts. Perhaps sign up for a MB weekend.

Be proactive and educate yourself. Hopefully, one of the more experienced posters will be along soon to give you good advice. In the meantime, I gave you some places to start to keep busy.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. This A could be the "wake-up" call your M has needed. Be positive. Be hopeful. Have faith.

Amy

I have not been through what you have, but I have been on the other side.

Be happy to see her when you get home. Don't act happy, be happy!

Be honest. Honesty is the key to all of it. Even if she gets upset, she won't be able to hold that against you.

Read the Emotional Needs stuff. If you approach her with a plan to not only repair this, but find out what caused this and your other problems, she will be upset, but it will get better with time.

Introduce her to the site, in the event she needs support.

BE HONEST & FOLLOW THE PLAN!

Tell her that you have something to talk to her about. Make sure that it is in a safe environment. Then, tell her the truth. "While I was away I had a ONS (One Night Stand) with a woman I met in a bar."

Do not equivocate and do not make the information any harder on her than it has to be. Don't placate her. Do not tell her you know how she feels.

"I know that I've made a terrible mistake and I take responsibility for my behavior. I put our health, our marriage, and the stability of our family in jeopardy, and I am ashamed."

DO NOT TRY TO EXCUSE IT BY SAYING "I was drunk". If you go there, you are going to fight.

If she wants to continue the discussion, offer her plans for her future protection and real, measurable checks and balances that incorporate transparent honesty.

Hi ididit,

Here is another kernel of hope for you.Based on what you have said,you are in a position to make your marriage even better if your W decides to stay with you.That remains to be seen thus far but the fact that you came to the realization of how insensitive and hurtful the affair(A) was is a bonus.Many wayward spouses(WS) don't get to that place for months,years or even at all so your W,in that sense,has that going for her.

Are YOU willing to do whatever it takes to help restore your marriage? If so,then get busy.Tell W the truth,get into counsleing and like Amy said,read the MB concepts here. Also,spend some time reading the posts and keep coming back for support.If you can,get the books: 'Surviving an Affair(SAA)' and 'His Needs Her Needs' by Dr.Harley.See if your W will come here for support too.

Lastly,I agree with Amy again that you should NOT have sex with your W until this blows over.She will/may feel used and that is not a good place for any recovery to start.Be as loving and respectful to her as you can.Let us know how it goes.

O

Thanks so much to all who responded. As I indicated before, I am still so ashamed. I feel dirty. I have made myself sick worrying about what and how to tell her. I haven’t eaten anything for 3 days and stayed in from work yesterday laying around praying, asking for forgiveness and beating myself up as best I could. I know my W loves me, but question whether she can handle something so severe as this. I fear she will in her emotion bring our daughter into the conversation as punishment to me. My daughter and I have a very close relationship and she sometimes seems jealous of that.

We have just started Christian counseling before I left for this trip. Maybe the stupid part of me felt I needed something real for the counselor to help us with. I don’t know. Just rambling now.

Anyway, better run for now. Thanks again so much for all of your comments and support.

Sometimes, an A is a partner's cry for help.

Maybe there is more to that last thought on your post than you currently realize.

Take care. I pray for everyone on these boards. There is so much pain.

We are here for each other. Come back and post and read. We are here for you.

Amy

ididit,

Praying is the best first place to start, as well as Christian counselling.

Don't try to figure out everything at once. It could take months to understand why you did what you did, and you may never fully understand. Just take one SECOND at a time.

Definitely get medical and psychological help (std tests and counselling).

Your wife has a right to know about the ONS in order to make her own decisions about what to do next.

One of the main reasons I told my H about my A was so that he could decide for himself if he wanted to have sex with someone who had sex with someone else. I knew he had that right for spiritual reasons, as well as to protect himself from the possibilities of std's.

I was terrified of std's. Finally, I just had to lie face-down on the floor of my bedroom and surrender myself to God. I told Him that not only was my spirit his, but also my body.

I knew that I was forgiven, but I also knew that there are earthly consequences that occur when we sin. I also knew that my peace would only come from believing that God would take care of me NO MATTER WHAT. Even if I had contracted something, God would be with me through whatever happened.

Thankfully, all my std tests came back negative, for which I am obviously grateful. I pray the same for you, of course. I absolutely believe that God forgives you and loves you, no matter what happens to you now. Hang in there. Keep praying.

Or how about starting your conversation like this...

"I have something very important to tell you, but I'm afraid to say it because I'm afraid it may mean the end of our Marriage. I want to say before I tell you this that I love you, I want to be married to you more than anything, and I have hope we can work through this."

Of course she will ask..."What is it?" or be still. You have prepared her for something very shattering, and you have also told her the ending before you start. The scary thing about finding out about an A for me was I was afraid I had lost my H, that he didn't want to be M, nor wanted to be with me.

Good luck, and lead her to this site. There are MANY good folks on here.

Thanks so much for your input and suggestion. I am so scared of that moment. I have been in many stressfull positions before, but nothing like this. As I said in one of my other postings, I have been sick for over 3 days now. Don't know if it's worry or STD. I've done more research on the internet than I would if in medical school and have almost developed a symptom for every illness I read about. Not really physically, but pretty close. I do however feel more and more dirty for each illness that I read about. I cannot imagine others being as stupid as I after reading of the consequences. I have preached to my daughter over and over the importance of protecting our health when it comes to sex. Not really much of a teacher to not head his own teachings, huh??

I do really appreciate your lead in to the discussion and I do pray to God that he will forgive me as well as bless me with His devine intervention on this devestating situation. I do so much want our lives as a family to be devoted to Him and an example to others.

Thanks again. Will continue to post. Really worried that W will reject my relationship with this site. She refused to do anything with computers, not even email. Seems to think they steal my time from her, so future postings after I get home will be done almost in secret.

Just looking for that miracle.

Ididit:

you can go to any ER to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. Actually it is important that you go now, because they can treat you to prevent Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphylis.

I would highly recommend that you go today.

Next step is to be honest with your wife. Do not hide what has happened. Tell her about it, honestly. I do not think she would leave you. I had always told my H I would leave if he had an A. I was so sure I would just walk out the door, but I stayed. We worked together, it was hard, but now we are in love with each other again. Actually our M is better than it was before. I never thought that possible, but so many couples here recover from infidelity.

Make it very clear, when you talk to your wife that you had absolutely no emotional attachment to this OW. That it was just for s@@. That you don't ever want to see OW again. That is extremely important. Tell your wife that you are in love with her.

Then figure in a good amount of time to work on your M. My H started IC right after d-day. To work on his Midlife Crisis. It impressed me that he was so determined.

We are here to help you. I'll be looking out for you, o.k.

Hi Ididit, After reading other peoples responses I have one more question for you. How can you be sure that you did not get this OW pregnant?
Also wanted to say no matter how nicely you tell your wife there is no way to soften the blow. The best thing you can do is just tell her how sorry you are and ask for humble forgivness. And no that it takes some processing before forgiveness can happen.

I believe it's not God's forgiveness that is hard to come by, but our own. God forgives us no matter what, all we have to do is ask. But it takes sometimes a lifetime to forgive ourselves. Don't let it take that long...

Ididit... as a BS, I sympathize with what your wife will feel when she knows.

That being said, however, you sound to me like the kind of WS who deserves to be forgiven. Don't expect it to be easy, and don't expect it to be immediate. The fact that you were drunk, while not excusing what you did, may be worth mentioning since it can help strengthen your assertion (if true) that there was absolutely no emotional connection, that it was a one time thing, and that you don't even know her name or how to contact her.

If I were in your W's position, I think I could accept your indiscretion in time and file it under the "stupid mistake" category. You sound like you're wracked with guilt about it, so much so that you've made yourself ill over it.

More than anything, I wish my TBXW had had the strength to come to me before her first ONS became her first PA. I would have been devastated, no doubt about it. But maybe we could have worked through it. Instead, she kept it going, and then had at least two more PAs during our marriage. Now, the marriage is ending -- a sorry, shattered, stillborn hulk that never should have been. Other than my two amazing kids (who I would never give up for anything), there's very little to take out of my experience except for seven years of corrupted memories.

You, however, have the opportunity to start over. Start by going to counselling with your wife. If there were some disatisfaction issues, make sure you bring them out. From my perspective, it's possible that there was nothing fundamentally wrong with your marriage, and you just let yourself get carried away by a dangerous situation. But it sounds to me like you have an excellent chance of saving your marriage and making it stronger.

Good luck brother... remember, you're not a bad guy, and you're not dirty. You're a good guy who did one stupid, selfish thing. But you can redeem yourself and you're off to a good start.

I continue to say it....Thanks so much for being there with all your words of wisdom and advice. To address Stephanie's comment, in my gloom over my situation I never even considered that. I can only pray that on top of everything else that did not happen. I have no way of knowing or even contacting the OW again.

I really do appreciate all your help and advice. I leave today for home and so much wanted this to be a happy day. Instead I am dreading it. I spoke to W this morning and told her seriously how much I missed her and loved her. She sounded so good. I just hate to hear the other tone and hurt in her voice when I get home. I can only pray that she'll have me back. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make our lives and marrige better.

God Bless you all for your input.

Good luck to you. Also thank you for willing to be honest with your W. Many just try to pretend it didn't happen. Their is no way you can build a strong marriage with lies and deceipt. You and your wife may find a lot of helping hands here. Mostly you are going to have to understand that you have put a bomb in your realtionship and their are going to be a lot of hard days before there are good ones. Will she remember that you stayed by her side through puddles of tears and emotional breakdowns? Yes. Forgiveness on her side will not be able to happen until she works through the grief process. It is a very simular one to that of a death of a loved one. And in the back of your mind remeber that some day you will have to forgive yourself. -Stephanie

Well, D-day was a little over a week ago now and it's been total hell ever since. Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing telling her about ONS. I went and got tested a week ago Sunday and results came back negative, thank God. I know HIV can take time to show, but that seemed to be her primary focus last night....telling our daughter that her day may have and may have exposed her mom to AIDS. She hasn't told her that yet, but I expect that to be then next hurt. There was nothing inocent about it, but it was a one time very stupid mistake. She has litteraly beat me every night for the past week. She medicates the pain with alcohol and then the anger comes out. She's torn shirts off me, kicked me..even tore my pants off me last night. I don't know how long I can in humility be humble and continue with the beatings. She has bruises all over her arms both from hitting me and me holding her arms to keep her from hitting me even more. She tried to take an overdose of medication last night, but I got it away from her before she took any. She brought our daughter into the middle of it who now has also been hurt trememdously. I just don't know what to do from here. We have been to 2 pastors, counselled 4 times so far, but she continues to basically get worse than better. With the pastors counsel, they just cover the biblical aspect of forgiveness and abstaining from alcohol to make sure our heads are clear in dealing with this awful situation. She really needs somebody to vent to, and I just don't know where to take her for that. She initially said she wanted to go into the hospital, but we found we don't have insurance coverage for that. I know it will take time, but when will it start getting even just a little better.

I don't know. I think at this point it's probably over. Only reason I'm not out of the house is I have no where to go and we're strapped financially.

Please pray, but I'm not sure even that will help at this point.

You have no excuses, she will never forgive you, or forget, never. Live in the shameful life you created for yourself, if you get even 5 minutes a day of happyness with your wife it's really more then you deserve.

Well Bog,

I was looking for some encouragement and hopefully some guidance on how to move forward with healing and working through this. I know I don't deserve forgiveness, but I've asked the Lord to forgive me and continue to ask Him every day. I know he says that if we ask for forgiveness, it's forgotten from that point. My wife on the other hand is a different story, and I have to believe that sooner or later I will be able to regain her love and forgiveness. I know she will never forget, but continue to pray that the Lord will work in our lives and marriage. If she doesn't, then as you say...I really didn't deserve it to begin with.

Thanks anyway for your input. I continue to pray that He will heal her pain through devine intervention.

Bog, you are totally out of line for saying that. That is absolutely horrible to post here.

Ididit -

I think that you need to encourage your wife to seek IC. Or perhaps seek some help from your church, if you have one. An appointment with her doctor, to be tested to see if she needs meds.

It is not OK that she is beating you. Anger and anguish and all those emotions are normal. But she cannot physically lash out at you in that way.

I think you have to stand up to her and tell her that if she continues to strike you, there will be repercussions for her. If that means you leaving the house for a while until she can regain control of herself, or whatever, you have to stand up for yourself.

We would all be horrified if you were a WW and your BH was beating you. Just because you are a man, it is NOT acceptable.

I hope a vet comes by soon to give you better advice about the beatings. I don't know the best course of action, but I'm afraid if you don't set some sort of boundaries, that she will continue with her destructive behavior.

SS