Well, she's out of ICU and over in the psych unit, BUT apparently the Dr. is going to release her tomorrow. I was hoping they would detect the alcohol problem and the underlying issues and keep her or put her in a facility where she could dry out completely. She did indicate they are going to require her to continue with outpatient counseling. Hopefully that will help some.

I never was able to locate her hiding spot for the Rum she was drinking. I've turned the house upside down and still can't find it. I also looked in the garbage for an empty bottle with no luck.

I did fill out some kind of hardship application today since both of us are unemployed. They convinced me to place a note on the application agreeing to pay $25/month with a $250 payment today showing good faith. I just hope they approve the application. We do have some other income.....not much mind you, but a little. It's certainly not enough to make our monthly bills...only a very small fraction, but enough for them to consider it income.

I don't know. I kind of feel like my W now. It appears that everything has turned around and I really don't know what to focus on. Even though I was tested and everything came back negative, I know HIV can take up to 3 months before we can be somewhat secure in the results. That seems to be constantly on my mind along with everything else. If a miracle happens and the new insurance is approved, I am going to have a complete physical as well as my wife and daughter. That's only a couple of weeks away. I guess I can tolerate the unknown for that much longer. Man, it just seems like I'm in a plane at 30,000 feet with one wing off, spiraling toward the ground out of control. No way to stop, no way to bring things under control, no way to get back to normal, (whatever that is).

Anyway, thanks again for all your input Ali. I really do appreciate having someone to at least bleed this out to. Thanks!!!

I must have missed it were you said you were totaly unemployed!
Boy do I know what that feels like! Are you an IT guy? Wh

I must have missed it were you said you were totaly unemployed!
Boy do I know what that feels like! Are you an IT guy? Wh

my computer is crashing. Will finish this later. hopefully this will post!

Ali,

Sorry about your computer. Yes, I'm an IT guy. More on the business side than technical though. I know just enough technical stuff to get me in trouble.

Sorry if this pi$$e$ you two off, but if this were my husband exclusivly talking to ONE FEMALE everyday on the internet and one particular site, I'D BE VERY ANGRY, SUSPICIOUS, AND UPSET. Ali is obviously filling a need for idiot here, and vice versa. It just doesn't look good guys! Sorry.
By the way, is that revenge affair looking better and better???

Not a problem at all Mia. I understand what you are saying. Ali has been very helpful and offered some great advice. You can tell she is experienced with the methods and resources this site uses to help people like me and I really appreciate her input and do not want to discourage any continued input. HOWEVER, I am looking for ANY and ALL input. I want to grow and learn from anybody who has been through this terrible experience before. I want to know what they did to get by the hurt and move forward with their lives. I want to know what they did to rekindle the love and trust between one another. I want to know how they dealt with the constant worrying about STD's and how they addressed the mental stress of it all. I am very passionate about trying to learn from other person’s experiences and not re-creating the wheel. I am soliciting responses from anybody and EVERYBODY who feels they may have something to contribute to resolving these problems. Seems as though they are coming more and more frequently, so PLEASE......INPUT, INPUT, INPUT!!!!!!!

Mia!

Stop! I don't mean to be rude but go back and read the all post! What? I am supposed to stop posting because I am female and he is male! we come here looking for support. I can't help it if I am the only one to post. As for the other thread, I came out telling my feelings venting it off as most of us hurt betrayed spouses do. I wrote and I will reiterate that I don't believe RA. So before you post,please read before you put a harsh comment on this forum <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Ali <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
If you read this guy is in a lot of pain. Where is your imput??????????

Not trying to start anything. Just trying to get some help. Anyway, here's the latest...

We worked outside most of the day today. Both of us enjoy working in the yard, BUT later in the day she started getting a little edgy and irritated. She felt I should be spending more time with her. How to do that kind of stuff side by side, I just don't know. Anyway, she repotted a plant to bring into the house. As we were setting it next to the couch, I noticed something was holding it away from the wall. She said not to worry about it, that she would fix it. I meant to come back in before she did to check to see if anything was behind the couch. I suspected a bottle of alcohol. Long story short, I did discover where she had put some rum in a plastic container and hid it behind the TV in the bedroom. I emptied it out and she doesn't know yet. I expect her to get mad, but intend to keep making it hard for her to get to it. Especially since she just got out of the hospital. She said she had made up her mind not to drink anything for a while, but still will not admit to being an alcoholic. I guess I'm in denyial too, because I keep saying it's just a problem right now and maybe later we can have a glass of wine with our meal or something, but I am pretty darn sure I am wrong.

Still wrestling with the fear of STD. Been tested and everything was negative, but still worried about HIV. I've been doing a lot of reading on websites about the symptoms and seem to be developing the "Psychosomatic AIDS Phobia" or "Worried Well" syndrome. At least I hope that's what it is. Basically it's making myself believe in and develop the symptoms as I read about them. I really do hope that's what it is. I don't think I and I know my W cannot handle another blow such as a positive HIV test. I plan to be tested again in another couple of weeks. Please pray for negative results. I am praying every day for negative results and for the Lord to put our marriage and relationship back together.

Still looking for input and some help from you guys. Am starting to wonder if Ali is the only one willing to share her experience and help???

My W is still having a hard time moving forward with our lives. I know I hurt her with the ONS, but am ready to move on with our lives. Since the hospital, she appears to have left the alcohol alone. However, see a couple of posts previous to this, BUT the good news is she doesn't seem to have gone back to it. She still either goes to bed or wakes up during the night mad and still asking me questions about the ONS. What did she look like? How did it happen? Did I approach her or did she approach me? Did I kiss her, and on and on and on!!! I know it hurts, but does she really need to keep opening up the wounds instead of just accepting my screw-up and trying to move on with our lives?? I am doing everything I can think of to convince her how much I love her.

Well, better go. PLEASE you guys, I could really use some input and direction here. I know there are a number of you out there who have already been through this and I really don't want to recreate the wheel AND I really don't want to make any more stupid mistakes. I can grow and learn by your experience.

Thanks much,

[QUOTE]What did she look like? How did it happen? Did I approach her or did she approach me? Did I kiss her, and on and on and on!!!
QUOTE]


1. Show her pictures of the filthy pig.
2. tell her the truth.
3. tell her the truth.
4. beg her for forgiveness
5. beg for her forgiveness

Does that help you?

Well, seems like your last couple of posts have taken God out of the picture. I know what it is like to have an addiction but that is just another word for having another God before HIM. I am the BS and my pain is the fact that she is in love with him.

Not really sure if I have done something that offended Bog or what?? Don't seem to get very much constructive help from Bog. I don't have pictures, have told her the truth and begged for forgiveness and continue to do this.

Although not mentioned, God is never out of the picture or these postings. I really do need to give Him praise for sparing my W and sending her back home to me. I also need His touch of healing, physical, mental and spiritual as well as my family. Thanks so much for your input and reminding me that regardless, I need to continually praise Him for bringing us this far and to ask His forgiveness and blessing as we continue working through this.

Thanks again,

If your wife's not into the whole AA bit, there are other options. Rational Recovery is awesome, and is not a 12-step program. Do a google search, there's a website... Look it over and see if you think it might help her.

Thanks for the input Orangecrush. I took a look at the information on the site. It looks pretty interesting, but as I mentioned before she has a phobia about anything on the computer. It's almost to the point that I have to sneak to make these posts. I think it's because my work was primarily on the computer and she blames it for taking me away from her, but irregardless she will not look more than a second or two over my shoulder at anything on the computer.

GOOD NEWS though!!!! Since she has gotten out of the hospital, she hasn't had any alcohol. She will not admit that she has any alcohol problem, but agrees that she needs to abstain until we work through this problem that I created. Now at least I know when she gets mad at me, it's really her feelings and not alcohol induced. We got in the hot tub this morning together and all of a sudden she got mad and started asking questions....What did she look like?? I wasn't even in your thoughts when you were doing this was I? How old was she? Did you hug and kiss her?

How to answer those questions?? Obviously my W wasn't in my thoughts when I was committing this STUPID act, but how to put that to her without her thinking that I have just thrown all thoughts of her out the window. I obviously thought very much about her the next day and every day after that. As I indicated before, I was overcome with guilt to the point of not being able to eat. I lost over 10 lbs. in the course of that 8 - 10 days. Not a diet program that I would recommend to anybody though.

We met again with our pastor yesterday and he brought a good point to light....He asked her if I was to give her all the details right down to what she was wearing, what I was wearing, every move that was made....blow by hurting blow would it make any difference?? She indicated...No!! But helping her put that into practice is where I need help. I need to be able to show her how much I love her, but there are so many things that I have always done to show her this that she takes for granted. For instance, she always has a glass of water everywhere she goes. Before bed, I always fill the glass with ice and water and put it by the bedside for her. I also typically make sure the kitchen is clean before I go to bed after she has already gone to bed. I help her with a lot of the cooking and cleaning. She complains about muscle aches so I give her hot oil rubdowns. I rarely leave her for anything. I don't go fishing or hunting. I don't golf. I don't have buddies that I hang out with in bars or anywhere else for that matter. The pastor said she doesn't want my time....She wants my heart and I want to give her that, but just don't know how to let her know that she already has it.

Enough complaining. Please guys....input, input, input. Sooner or later somebody is going to hit the nail and give the answer. All I need is the discernment to recognize it.

Thanks again for all your concern and help.

Hey Guys,

Comon now!!! You've got me some good input so far. Don't quit on me now!!!

Latest in my episode....Came home from a class that I'm taking yesterday and she was in a terrible mood. She had been talking to one of her best friends. The first thing she said was that her friend said I was a really luck guy, because any good lawyer would give her alimony for the rest of her life. I do admit, I am a lucky guy because she loves me and seems to want to work through this, NOT because she chooses not to sue me for alimony.

Well, enough of that. Just looking for input from somebody who's been through all this before.

Thanks,

Am I being shunned or is my issues so unique that nobody out there has gone through it before?? Maybe this string is getting too long. Should I start another string giving a brief outline of the issues to shorten it and get some help and input??

Thanks in advance

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

wow, It seems like you are going through alot of emotionally painful issues. I wish that I had words of advice for you, but I dont. I am the ws also. I had a one-night stand with my first lover that I hadnt seen in 15 years. I wish I knew why, I can relate to being sick as a dog over the guilt of it all. I have proceeded from headaches to stomach aches to violently throwing up to dizziness etc. I am so guilty that I can barely seem to look at myself in the mirror, and instead of reassuring my H that I love him more than anything, it feels like he is the one doing all the reassuring to me that he isnt going to leave me. How wrong is that on my part? I so want to be strong for him and reassure him of everything that he needs. If there is anything I can do to help, let me know

Thanks for the input Trixie. Yes, it seems like when it rains, it pours. As I indicated in my previous postings, My ONS was with an OW that I didn't even know. I was out of the country and just got crazy for some reason. I know I didn't want to do that, especially after being true to my W for so long....we've been together for 27 years. We're still working through some issues, but things do seem to be getting a little better. She has cut back on her drinking since getting out of the hospital, although she did drink some last night that seems to boomerang all the issues of my ONS right back into the forefront. She keeps saying she wants to talk about it to try to get over it, but I don't know anything else to tell her. We've already been over every detail that I can think of and I just hate to keep opening up the wound. Maybe that's a method of healing, I don't know.

We've been counseling with our pastor and that seems to help, but she's still very dependent upon me and continually needs that reassurance that I love her. Actually, that was an issue before the ONS. I do everything I can to reassure her. We hold hands in the car. (I don't know of many who have been married 27 years who still hold hands.) I frequently cook breakfast or dinner for her. I help her clean the house. I give her rubdowns. We frequently sit in our hot tub together (at least twice a week) where there is time for us to talk and just be together, but then she complains that I want to talk about things we need to do or things that are going on in our lives. Coming from a very analytical engineering background, I have a very difficult time carrying on a conversation just for the sake of talking. (I know, I know....I need to learn how to relate that way if that's what she needs, but just how much time is there in the day??? When do we talk about OUR business issues like my job search, her job search, our bills, things we need to do around the house, etc, etc, etc??????

Oh well, it seems that I'm getting myself worked up too. I really want our marriage to work out and I want to do whatever is necessary to fall back IN LOVE, vs. just loving each other. Please, INPUT, INPUT, INPUT!!!!

Thanks again you guys,


posted April 26, 2004 06:48 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
wow, It seems like you are going through alot of emotionally painful issues. I wish that I had words of advice for you, but I dont. I am the ws also. I had a one-night stand with my first lover that I hadnt seen in 15 years. I wish I knew why, I can relate to being sick as a dog over the guilt of it all. I have proceeded from headaches to stomach aches to violently throwing up to dizziness etc. I am so guilty that I can barely seem to look at myself in the mirror, and instead of reassuring my H that I love him more than anything, it feels like he is the one doing all the reassuring to me that he isnt going to leave me. How wrong is that on my part? I so want to be strong for him and reassure him of everything that he needs. If there is anything I can do to help, let me know

--------------------
Life breaks everyone and afterwards, some are strong at the broken places - Earnest Hemingway