This is my first post after several months of learning from all of you on this site.

Several months ago, my husband confided in me that he had had an affair, promising that "it was over, she is gone." Promising no contact and agreeing to tell me if she made contact. From that point, we started the recovery process and honestly I was beginning to feel we really could have an amazing, committed marriage again. He was doing and saying all the right things, reassuring me of his 100% committment to me and our marriage and children. We have been learning together in MC the space that was made in our marriage for a third party to enter and both reading here at MB.

Well, I was wrong for believing... he just confided again that the affair never ended as he promised. He "just didn't know how to let it go" and now promises again that it is over and done with.

So I am back to the deep, stabbing, hurt, pain and devastation of being betrayed, disrespected, and lied to by my best friend and love of my life. Feeling so alone with this horrify secret that I feel no one I know could understand or want to.

I know that I want my family and I am committed to work through this insane mess that my husband has created. But at this point, I feel like I don't know what to do to make that happen. I am left feeling so ignorant for believing him and thinking we were in recovery for the past few months. He says that my actions, my committment, and my giving of myself over the past few months since the affair was admitted to was what has made him stronger and able to end the affair now.

I am hoping someone out there has been at this point and can tell me there is hope for rebuilding.

Yes there is hope. It is sometimes very hard for WS to give up contact. What he needs to do now is write her a NC letter. There are a couple of examples posted here today.

Hi nursingwounds,

I can sympathize with your pain.I'm so sorry.I had a similar false "recovery" like you back in October.My WH pledged NC and being 100% committed to our marriage(eerily like your WH said)and then about 2 weeks later I found that he was calling OW from a hotel.I just happened to find the bill with all the phone charges on it.Then 2 weeks after that my WH wanted a separation.I was crushed.

So,I went into Plan B shortly thereafter.Then this month(2/13/04) WH comes home to say he wants to reconcile and that he has said his good byes FOREVER.NO more contact of ANY kind.Yeah,well I don't really believe him and I am waiting for the slip up.

There is hope but at this point,your WH needs to be one big open book about everything he does and he needs to be accountable to his whereabouts and everything in between.However he was keeping in contact with the OW now has to be changed and that means,for example,if he was calling her on his cell phone,either he gets a new cell phone or changes the number.Same goes for all other ways of communication and a NC letter must be sent.You didn't mention if one was sent earlier.

And don't blame yourself for trusting him even if it was only a little.You are not ignorant,WH was thoughtless,selfish and uncaring.It is completely HIS fault that no contact wasn't kept and he must try to rectify the situation.

Post back to us with what he agrees or doesn't agree to.We will help you and again I'm sorry.I do know the pain that you are feeling.It is awful. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

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Thank you for your responses, it is so helpful to hear that I am not the only one who was made promises of a recovery that was all false!

I struggle with this so much, especially because WH says over and over that we HAVE been in recovery the last 3 months. He says he feels we are in a better place now than when he first confessed to the affair and we started our recovery. On the other hand, I feel so much more betrayed and hopeless this time around. What gave me hope before was that he confessed so early, claimed to have ended the affair, was making all these commitments, reading books and MB's, counseling and was so willing to try to make our marriage work. Now I can see that those things were all just his way of making me feel better while he continued to pursue this other woman.

There has been a "no contact conversation" with the OW, but no letter. I haven't pushed on that, thinking before that it was unnessesary. At this point is a letter an important step for me to ask for, please explain why.

The same thing happend to me in spades. Five years ago I found out my wife had been in a four year long affair. We went through a year of MC and PC. She eventually said she was sorry, would never do it again. Looked me in the eye and said she knew how much it hurt me. Said she ended it and would never contact him again. I belived her.

Then three months ago I found out she was still seeing him, five years later. She lied her way through counceling just to get me to a place where she could keep seeing him. Wasn't even a speed bump to her.

A nine year long affair that even survied MC in the middle of it is hard to get over. It's like she had a second husband for half of our marriage. My radar is turned way up this time.

We are in MC again. Halfway through Retrouvaille. But I am hearing the same things she said five years ago. What good will it all do the second time around? I don't know. I'm in plan A with a vengance. Seems to be working. She seems to be trying, again.

This time she wrote a NC letter but I haven't seen it, yet. Probably coordinated with him in advance.

I am contemplating talking to the guys wife next. Maybe she can reign him in. But I don't think she knows. Any advice?

The op spouse needs and deserves to know of the affair. The quicker you tell, the quicker the pressure from the op spouse begins to impact the dynamics of the affair.

Usually there is a lot of manipulation and hot air from the ws, trying to prevent their op spouse from finding out--this proves they are protecting the relationship and is all the more proof that you should tell.

Initially, both spouses were told of the affair it was not discovered by us. We were told it was over then and have both just recently been told again tht the affair never ended as was promised. So it is all out in the open.

My question is about the context of a no contact letter and its benefits. Is it done as a commitment and act of trust by the WS for the BS or is it something that the BS should ask for as a way to make clear to all involved the plan of action.

My WS is doing much more this time around to try to prove the affair is over. Showing me his email accounts, cell phone everyday without my asking and has agreed to write a no contact letter (although he says it is totally unnecessary). Any links about no contact letters would be helpful as to what they are all about and what they should include. Thank you!