Hi everyone. I just found out that my husband is having an affair with an office worker. I am very upset, as he has been so very hypocritical about this happening to others in the past. He swore that this kind of thing would never happen. We have been married 10 ½ years, have a 21 month old child and have been through MANY hard times before (graduate school for a Ph.D., deaths of family members, my diagnosis of Ulcerative Colitis). I found out tonight when he emailed his mistress (thank God for modern technology???) via yahoo and forgot to logoff from our home computer. Once confronted, I wanted to know all. The actual physical affair has only been going on for a few weeks, but once is more than I can handle. Once he told me as I asked for the cliff note details, and I then asked him to leave until I decided what I wanted to do. The major conflict seems to be that I am not giving enough physical support, and he is not giving enough emotional support. I don’t want our child to be raised without a father figure, but we have been arguing for years about this. I just happened to be out-of-town when the OW dug her fingers in. I really want my son to grow up with a father figure, but don’t know that I can get past this. I don’t think I can ever trust him again and defiantly do not ever want to be physical with him again at this juncture.

After reading all of the posts, many seem to reconcile their marriages and I really want/ need to know how you all get past this.

Thanks in advance,

Gretchen

Gretchen -

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Sorry for the reason you are here, but it is a great place to be. Read all the information on this site, especially the "quick clicks" on the home page about how an affair should end, overcoming resentment, restoring the marriage and reconciliation.

Most WS's don't cheat on purpose, they just sort of fall into the affair. It is usually with someone they work with, or have close contact with.

Start in Plan A. Read all about it here. When you are going crazy, come here and post like we all do. There are some great people here that will give you lots of support.

Gretchen,

Yes,I am sorry too that you are here.Another "casualty" as it were.But,TIME is what may help you with your feelings.I was in your shoes last October when I found out about my WH(wayward husbands) affair(A).I almost landed in the hospital I was so bad off but today,I am a much stronger person.

What helps is to read all the concepts here,get familiar with the abbreviations,grab a cup of coffee and spend some time reading more posts and get a feel for the boards.They are a great source of information and support.

If you haven't already,you need to start spreading the word about your WH and what he is doing.Tell both families and see how you can expose this at work.The more pressure put on the two of them by outside forces then the fantasy can start to cave.You also need as much support as you can get right now and for me,I was SO blessed to have in-laws and a SIL and her family that supported me and did NOT support WH in his A.

Get the books 'Surviving an Affair(SAA) and 'His Needs,Her Needs' by Dr.Harley to start.

So,what does your WH think now? Is he ready to end the A and stop all contact and try to reconcile or did he decide to ride off into the sunset with this OW(other woman)? What is the status? Also,if we had a dollar for each one of our WS (wayward spouses) that said "Oh,that will never happen to us" we could take the entire MB board out to dinner! LOL

Hang in there.Come back and post with your feelings, we will be here for you.

O

<small>[ February 26, 2004, 07:54 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

I am also a recent joiner here, and this site has been really helpful.
MY DH had his A with his boss, but not a direct employer, a contracted employer. He has done the no contact and ended the A, but is still a bit wishywashy about his committment to our marriage. Seems to me like he "accidently" wants it to get better.
We are going to MC together though. Mine has also commented about men who have affairs and how he never would! live and learn...
He claims it was just because the sex was accessable when he was out of town on business. She is also in a long term releationship (with a woman!) and that it was just easy and less lonely on their monthly trips!
No matter what, I am still ripping pissed but also committed to having an intact family. We have 2 young kids.
I recently picked up the book Divorce Busters and I have found the concepts great, easy to digest and he actually looked at it because it was not some big psycology book on affairs.
It is a very rough place to be in right now.
At least here you are not alone in your experiences when you come here.

Sorry to here of your situation. I'm also new to this. but can tell you these folks here will help you and are effective. Listen to them. Get yourself to a doctor for med. if you are not sleeping, eatting etc.... Take care of you and the little one. Reduce contact w WH and increase any social, spiritual, family activities you can. Do not act like you feel. Cry, pray, etc, on your own. A strong confident partner is attractive. REad up on and avoid Love Busters.
Once again - listen to the regulars - they have helped me gain some confidence and begin planning for positive changes (whether I stay or go). Do nothing if you are not sure it's the right thing. Remain aloof, not being drawn in unless and until you are ready, and have had a chance to study, rest, think.
My prayers go out to you.

<small>[ February 26, 2004, 10:22 AM: Message edited by: SeekingBetter ]</small>