The most progress I made dealing with my WS was by exposing the A to people close to her and threatening to expose the A to more people close to her. I was afraid to do this initially thinking it would further divide us. I was advised by the seasoned counselors on this board to use Exposure to alter the course of the A, which I did. The WS and the OP seemed to fear the Exposure more than the destruction of the family itself. The results of the Exposure caused division between the my WS and the OP, and my WS started seeing a different side of the OP. She began seeing, what she never saw before, a selfish side to the OP.

I am not home free but my WW is sounding more and more like a XWS, thanks to the helpful people on this Board. If you are caught in the middle of an A, read up on Exposure. These people know what they are talking about.

Midwest

I posted in the plan A/plan B section on this subject a few min ago. If you want you can read it. My WH doesn't really seem to care if his family and close friends know about A. So I called a woman at WH work and told her. My WH works with her H and she is telling everyone. Hopefully by doing this it will get all over the shop and everyone will know that he is a cheater and that she is a homewrecker. I even gave out some details about the A that I thought everyone should know. Like for instance they had SF in his truck in the parking lot at work, you know just small details like that.....lol. I am doing my best to expose, expose expose, but I don't think it will be as big a deal as with you as the OW is not married, but divorced and she is this type of person and doesn't really care what other think about her.

Well,Good for you Midwest!

I am happy to hear that exposure has helped your WW get a little dose of reality, which is that the OM is not some knight in shining armor or her "soul mate",etc, but a man whose intensions were self centered and destructive,

Keep us posted on your progress.

O

I continued exposing WW's A to more people as time went on. The OM was not married so I finally called his parents one state away from mine. They blamed my WW 100% but it was enough for them to call their son which led to "he said, she said" between my WW and the OP. OP finally showed his selfish side which my WW didn't like. She said, it is over. It appears to have ended on her terms, not mine, whcih is what the A needed.

This may have ended the 7.5 months long EA. D-Day was 40 days ago from today. 40 days of total hell! 15 lbs lighter, bags under my eyes from lack of sleep, a bottle of anti-dep meds later, a few cases of beer and a couple of liters of wine later, lost days at work, poor workmanship and lost income, MC sessions and MC expenses which will continue on, children in total turmoil, and too many lies from WW to even know how to count. All for an idiot OM that was half the age of my previously loyal 20 year extremely moral and religious wife.

Without this Board and the volunteers who gave me a glimmer of hope, I didn't have a chance to keep on. On a very realistic side, my wife is capable of slipping back since I have now discovered how weak she really is. I will keep you posted but in the mean time, Keep Exposing your WS's Affairs.

Midwest

Mid

Dr. Harley is very high on WWs not straying in the future if their emotional needs are met. In fact he says its rare...if you discover and try to meet those needs.

Read His Needs Her Needs and see what I am talking about.

Good luck keep in mind she will probably have some withdrawal from the OP despite her anger so be patient and use Plan A.

Thanks Stunned! I bought two books, SAA and His and Her Needs. I started His and Her Needs but I couldn't get into it do the bickering as a result of the ongoing EA. I will now resume my reading. Dr. Harley is a brillient and experienced man. I will always refer to MB's situations warrant it. I will keep you all abreast of the progress.

Midwest

Midwest

What did his parents say? I was tempted to call OW parents. I asked OW on the phone if her parents knew and she said yes, but I have to really wonder if they do or not. And in NY you can get arrested for harrassment if you call someone and they don't want you to. OW got arrested for calling her WH's OW when she was married to him. Weren't you scared of harrassment charges? I would love to call OW parents and talk to them. Of course OW is 34 in my case.

I first paid to have a reverse cell number searched, I then paid to have a background and relative search done. I finally found what i believed was his parents. The mother didn't want to hear what I was saying and immediately gave the phone to the father. I explained who I was and why I was calling. They immediately defended their son, which was predictable and blamed my WW 100%. I told them I knew their son was looking for a new job and they immediately said, "my son is not going to give up his job because of your wife". That position was the position they sold their son on too which became OM's downfall. My WW loved her job and the OM didn't but because I wanted him to quit, they said no which was going to force my WW to quit the job she loved. That was the selfish exposure that my WW saw. She then began questioning other things he did and found out he was not so special.

The father said, my son is an adult and can and will do what he wants and then said, What do you want from me. I said I am calling you as a father and as a father to a father, I want you to tell your son how much damage has been caused by my wife and him and that is contibuting to substantial damage to me and my children. I said, that is all I am asking.

He said, are you threatening my son? I said no, I have known who he is for sometime now and if I wanted to hurt him, I would have done it by now. I said I would let my WW and your son have each other forever before I would go to jail just to get even. He said fine, i will talk to my son and he did. The father called the son and told his son not to quit his job even though the son wanted to anyway. The son adaopted that position and his selfish side was exposed.

What really happened is what Dr. Harley says, the exposure brings disruption to the perfect little secret affair and he is right about that.

I would say make the call but do it graciously to eliminate the perception of harrassment. Good luck.

MW

MW

I think I am going to hold off for a while on the call because......the OW mother also works where OW and WH work and it is sure to get all around after the phone calls I made today. I will keep you posted and you do the same. I pray for speedy recovery for you two.

Good luck to you too. I held off on exposing the A at my WW's work, although, that was probably next. I do not want to sound like my case is over but today was a major step in the right direction. My WW said her BF was acting depressed and sad because of the breakup. She feels bad about that.

MW

MW

Today is just one of those days where it starts out really good and you feel like you have the power and then all of a sudden you start thinking about things and it just makes you want to break down and cry. I just can't believe that he has done this to us. Sometimes I feel like it is a really horrible nightmare and I am going to wake up and it will be over. Today I just watched our S and tears just well up. I just don't know what happened to us. I am very sad right now. I just can't understand how he could turn to someone else when I was his bestfriend for 10 years. I tried to get him to get a different job so he could be on a different shift. That is where the trouble was, he was on nights and he has no family life being on nightshift. Sorry for rambling on. Just feeling sad and feeling ready to just give up and move on. Kind of feeling like I wouldn't want WH back anyway. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hopeless: Just keep praying and keep looking for any and all things that may affect his mindset. I did not expect the call to my WW's lover to be the answer but it turned out it was. I am truly sorry for your pain. I know how bad it hurts. Don't give up yet and think one day at a time.

Midwest

Hopeless,

The way you're exposing the affair is not the right way. Please remember what is exposure is all about...it's about ending the affair, and rebuilding the marriage. You don't release details into the gossip mill for that reason. If it's done vindictively....it causes damage. Intent is everything. It must be all about the marriage...and very clear about what your intention is. It is a simple statement...."I am sorry to burden you with this information, but my H is having affair with ________. I'm trying to rebuild my marriage and I am following the advice of noted psychologists who say that in order to end affairs, I must expose it to the light of day. I appreciate anyone who can help support my marriage." Please be careful!

Midwest,

I want to make one comment. The folks who are here are not counselors. We're just plain folk who have studied these concepts. I am working very hard to become certified as a marriage coach...but this site is not a substitute for a good coaching. For new posters....I just wanted to make that clear.

I am very gratified that you had the courage to do what you did. As you can see....the BS's always threaten to leave...tell you it will be over if you expose. But the truth is that it injects conflict into affairs. It becomes impossible for them to have romantic interludes when they are forced to talk instead about who knows and who doesn't. And just like in this case....the REAL personalities...and the ugly parts of affairs are revealed by the light of day. This is a perfect example of why it ends affairs and why much of what is needed to fight infidelity is "counter intuitive".

<small>[ February 26, 2004, 09:08 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Star*Fish, You previously gave me some very solid advice and I took it and ran with it. I had no one else to confide in with the knowledge and teachings of Dr. Harley's. Our MC is very nice but we only attended one session so far. My WW goes by herself on Friday (today) and I go by myself next Wednesday. She wasn't able to help too much yet. Thank you for your time, experience, and knowledge. You will be a very good MC.

Midwest

Star

Thanks for help. I will not give out anymore details about affair. I did pretty much do what you said other than the small detail. I was actually hoping to get OW fired by doing that. As having S in the parking lot is a no no. I can't help being a little vindictive. I will try to avoid this at all costs now. The woman that I told said that she hopes it will get him thinking after her H talks to him today.

MW

I hope things continue on the road to recovery for you. Good Luck and thanks for support with the pain. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good for you, Midwest. If you get a chance, please see the post linked in my sig line below. Within that post are links to other posts, including topics about exposure. Please consider describing your experience as another data point.

I never exposed my H's affair other than my Dr. (okay his whole office knows but they are 50 miles away), my counselor and one mutual friend who doesn't live here, but 300 miles away and was in the area at the time of the revelation.

My reasons:
[1] I don't think it would work as it was a long distance relationship and nobody here knows her.

[2] I didn't think I could deal with the fallout of why's how's, whens, etc....as I was already stressed out bigtime.

[3] I was totally ashamed.

[4] I think in my case, it would have backfired.
I think that in itself shows I have not much faith in my H. sad.