We went last night for the second session of MC.
A little background. DH is a 9/11 injured survivor, and he has been in therapy for PTSD and depression, but I decided early on that I was fine and didn't need and help - boy was I ever wrong.
2+ years later he is still working on issues that now include my emotional neglect during his depression, and I have learned that I did everything wrong when dealing with a trauma survivor.
While these things do not excuse his affair, we are both hurting BIG TIME about a multitude of issues, and I have finally had a smack upside my head about the things I have not dealt with regarding that day and the following months, years concerning my own mental health.
OK - We went to a MC and laid this stuff all out. The first session he (MC) talked about ending the affair and committing to repairing our relationship - hey 40 minutes - how much of a read can we get. So we go into session 2 last night and he asks about the affair ending and DH says he did it with a NC letter, showed it to me and the response too, and has told me about the one time she made contact since. I am hopeful he is being honest, but the MC kept pushing him are you sure you did this...over and over. Then when we brought up my panic attacks (I have had alot of bad nights - surprised?) the MC suggested I find a girlfriend to talk to and stop trying to get my husband to talk at night. - seems like a weird suggestion to me, I thought he might offer additional individule sessions for me or suggest some coping strategies.
The when I brought up my 9/11 issues and how they compounded his emotional neglect feelings I was told that I was not really affected!!!
So I am thinking I need to find another MC.
How many times do you switch before finding the right fit? I did alot of pre-interviewing on the phone, and this guy is a Venus and Mars Communication Therapist (John Grey type) and specializes in marriage in crisis. Thought I figured it out!
I am VERY frustrated and confused.
Any ideas?

Anotherone -

Hello. I was leary about getting a MC also. We actually are with a MT (Marital Therapist). I got her reference from my IC. Our MT is on the board of MT certification in our state, and actually signs the certificates of people who have become licensed to practice MT.

I believe in my state, as with most, there is no requirement to be a MT or MC, it is voluntary.

I guess what I am saying is, you may want to ask someone in the field who they recommend. And it does sound like you both should be in IC, as well as MT or MC, because of such extenuating circumstances.

I am so sorry for the pain you both have been in for so long, stemming from such a tragic event.

Maybe you could start there, finding you both IC. I think word of mouth is best.

Have you read the part of MB site that talks about finding a good MC? They have good tips, too.

Lots of luck. Keep us posted. Amy

I'll offer what help I can...

quote...
"I am hopeful he is being honest, but the MC kept pushing him are you sure you did this...over and over."

I'm a bit confused. Are you sure you did what? The adultery or the break off? If the latter then the counsellor's attitude makes sense. Has he really ended the affair?

quote...
"Then when we brought up my panic attacks (I have had alot of bad nights - surprised?) the MC suggested I find a girlfriend to talk to"

I'm not surprised by your reaction, but finding a friend to talk to seems like a good idea and this sort of intimate emotional conversation is best not done with an opposite sex friend for obvious reasons.

quote...
"I thought he might offer additional individule sessions for me or suggest some coping strategies."

Did you put this to him? There would be a cost and it might not deliver anything that a sympathetic friend couldn't do just as well at no cost.

quote...
"The when I brought up my 9/11 issues and how they compounded his emotional neglect feelings I was told that I was not really affected!!!"

We would need to know what your 9/11 issues were (as opposed to those of your H) in order to comment.

This link might help: It's Penny Tupy's handy questions to ask would-be counselors.

As for how long it can take to find a good fit? Weeks, months, even years sometimes. Hopefully it won't take you guys that long, though with 9/11 issues on top of everything else. *sigh*

I might be able to find some references for you if you're in the DC area. If you're in the NY/NJ swath of survivors, I might also be able to get you some references, but it's a bit less likely.

Send me an e-mail -- my address is in my signature -- if you prefer not to disclose a location publicly.

Not affected by 9/11?

Of course you were, everyone in the whole fribbing nation has been affected by 9/11 and I believe doctors and those in the psychiatry and psychology professions reported an increase and stress, depression, PTSD etc. Even for those thousands of miles away who sat and watched those towers fall on tv.

You have an added issue, one you loved was is a survivor and (I hope you are not among the group I read about dealing with A as a result of 9-11) if you believe that the A was due in part to 9-11, the PTSD you have as a BS (look at my website) is compounded by that fact.

It may take a while to find a good MC ... ours was recommended by my IC ... though we did have one 6 years ago that my husband did not like.

Can you call MB or email and see if they have any therapists in the area that they'd recommend.

MC are some what like running shoes, it may take a while to find the one that is truly comfortable and the right fit.

way2

<small>[ February 29, 2004, 11:35 PM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>