My W and I have been married for almost 14 years. We have been seeing each other for 18 years. I am 36 years old. When I was 20 years old she broke up with me and we later reconciled and married a couple years later. Shortly after we were married we had a daughter and we now have two daughters aged 8 and eleven. We had a rocky marriage throughout the first 6 or seven years. By my own admission I was not around enough for her or the kids. I was finishing up with college. She had by that time had a successful small business for a few years. She had more time to spend at home with the kids and came to resent my abscences. About five years ago she had an internet affair that included long distance phone calls and professions of her love for this other person. I looked at my issues that help contribute to an unhappy marriage and I cleaned up my act, no more going out with the boys, more family time etc. In the meantime I have garnered several promotions after college and my wife and I have created a very comfortable financial position for ourselves and our children. About 18 months ago I started to have unsettling feelings about my wife and the owner of the small business next to her. I told this made me feel uncomfortable, and she explained they were only freinds and I should not worry about it. I tried not to worry about it and I even tried to strike up a talking relationship with this guy. The feelings kept comming back however as my wife started to rely on this persons advice for work, extra curicular activites for the kids and how we should decorate our new home. I confronted her in September, and I laid it all out on the table. I told her this relationship was tearing me apart. She again denied anything inappropriate was happening and asssured me nothing was wrong. I was having alot of stress at work and the new home construction was not going well, so I trusted in our relationship and felt things would indeed get better after we all got settled in to our new home. A couple of days before Valentine's day I had a gut feeling something was wrong. I knew something was not right with their relationship. I found a couple of cards. One was from last Valentine's day, that card could have been construed as a frienship card but it was signed Love, *****. The other card was from this past Sweetest day. It was not a freindship card, but a romantic one. It tore me apart to read it. I confronted her with it and she almost fell to he knees. She claims they are just good friends. I called him as well. At first he told me to keep him out of our marital problems. After I mentioned the cards, he changed his tune and admitted the cards were inappropriate. My wife admits to kissing him on the cheek for help he has given her, but nothing more (only in the last few months). I almost threw her out. I decided to give it a chance. The last few days have been OK. I have been paying more attention to her and her to me. I feel like this could work. Over time however, I feel like I am sticking my neck out again. What happens if she doesn't feel special or needed? Then What? Give me your thoughts about all of this.

Welcome to MarriageBuilders. Sorry you are here, but luckily you have found us in time.

Your marriage seems very hopeful to me. Read all of the information here, especially the "quick clicks" on the home page. They tell about how an A(affair) should end, overcoming resentment, restoring the marriage and reconciliation.

Your wife is have an EA (emotional affair). This guy is meeting some emotional needs that you are not meeting. But this is no excuse for an A. Read the emotional needs questionnaire here and try to determine (or have wife fill it out) what hers are.

Start in Plan A. That means showing her what a great husband you can be. No LB's (love busters - you can read about them here), no disrespectful judgements.

Keep reading and posting here and we will help you get through this. And have hope, your marriage can be better than ever.

How can I deal with OM business being next door. It does seem like we can work this out. We had two or three good days together. She is constantly telling me she loves me and she is sorry. It just feels wrong when I have to go see here at work, and I know he is only a few feet away next door. Finding a new location for her business will not be quick.

Don't worry about that right now. Yes, she needs to have NC with him, but we will figure that out later.

Right now start working on Plan A. Also check out the 180's. Have you read them? If not I will find them and post.

posted July 10, 2003 09:29 AM
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For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.