I went out all day yesterday with friends and came home late after having a really good time living every moment. My W said she is really starting to feel that she REALLy wants to be with me but said she will tell me everything when she is ready and I told her that it isn't just her decision...because it takes 2 people to make a relationship work....so at the end of the 2 weeks...I will choose as well...and whatever the outcome, i am prepared. She is starting to feel the pain, but we havent talked about anything yet because she needs some time to process everything because she is still confused. She wants to do what is right for her...which is good. And if it is me she wishes to be with she will not contact the OM whatsoever. Who knows. Everything i read says that its just waaaayyyy too soon for all of this. This entire ordeal for me was about 1.5 weeks and she had feelings for him and shut me out for 2 weeks. Now she is starting to care about me again. What is confusing is that she doesn't cringe when I touch her and gently rub her skin like she did about 8 days ago. She looks at me differently as well. But again, the flow of connection isn't all there of course....but perhaps she is snapping out of it. Very confusing because it really is early. But then again...it took me 1 week to snap out of this self pity state. This "blessing" in disguise also snapped me out of my 5 year prison of depression. Found myself again and found G-d again. I feel so liberated, free from all fears...I don't even fear for my health, I just know I can tackle my health problems diligenly and progressively without fear....even if I need surgury in my brain or chemo or anything else! I also don't fear if I choose to be on my own. I don't fear if we choose to give 1000% dedication to each other and make our marriage work. TO BE FREE FROM FEAR IS TRULY LIVING!
It is strange how she is starting to feel and starting to be REALLy receptive to many things....whats your take on that????

last night we cuddled in bed and i started to stroker her back and shoulders her body without touching "sexually" but just feeling her body and studying it as if i was seeing it and feeling it for the first time. we both were so aroused and our lust almost took over but she agreed with me that we don't want to have sex but to make love. And we can do that only when we connect and fully experience the power of love. So we cooled down and just talked about things for 2 hours in bed and fell a sleep. We really wanted to, we haven't had sex in months...but we haven't made love since i can remember. Depression really grapples with your life.

thanks for all the support and encouragement. i do have questions on her behavior though...just so strange how someone who completely loves you one minute and become an iceberg and someone you don't recognize the next. I read quite a few things about EA and it helps, but still strange regardless. shes starting to come back but then sometimes she seems to withdraw...so weird. I want to be more supportive and sympathetic because its just natural...i love her...but then again I don't. is that normal? any advise on that?
i do want us to work, but if it doens't i know i can move on and love again. i won't even feel guilty that she will be in pain when she does snap out of this fog state and realize she lost my love for ever. am i being too insensitive?

If i am.....i just can't help it. I have my dignity and self respect back. I won't give it up for anyone.

mine is doing the same cuddling and then pulling back.
We have been talking alot in the last 5 weeks, but I must initiate everything. He opens up in little bits and shuts down again.
He has asid he was not sure if he wants to stay in this marriage, and I want to with out reservation. We have 2 kids and 18 years and I do love him.
I want to get past his A.
We also have alot of other issues besides this. He has been in treatment for depression for the majority of the A, and I have emotionaly neglected him to the point he says I was abusive (I tried to bully him into "getting better")
The back and forth confuses me. Our most intimate conversations are during the night. that is when he tells me he is staying and committed and loves me.
During the day the walls go back up.
I feel like I am chipping at the walls a bit each day.
My active committment to loving him, my not nagging him about how he feels, my doing the little things that matter to him all seems to be helping.
Hang in there. We all know how raw this feels!

<small>[ March 02, 2004, 12:35 PM: Message edited by: anotherone ]</small>

I'm hoping to be in the same zip code releationship wise. She'll be back in the house (from helping her dad in VA) this week. She's filed for D but is not sure what she's doing. Hasn't admitted affair yet. I to have regained my sense of urgency for living, and will improve the releationships in my life right away. I'm working hard, learning lots, and sleeping well again. I've also stepped up physical conditioning and dropped #20. It is good to be back in the game. I too am concerned that she will want to ignore the A and rush on to intamacy that I'm not ready for. I really lack patience for this waiting for the 'fog' to clear. My son's are a daily joy and it is good shore up other releationships, but I'd like my wife back!
No pity party, I will improve my releationship with her even if D occurs. Hang in there, you've worked to hard to backslide!