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#444513 03/02/04 01:50 AM
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Hi. I'm brand new. I've never posted anything in a chat room, and I've never been cheated on. My wife of 3 years told me last week that she is having an affair. I know this is going to take a long time, but I have 2 major concerns. 1) She has not decided whether to try with me or whether to go to him. What do I do? The other guy is a co-worker. I have asked her not to go to lunch with him but she does anyway. I have asked her not to talk to him when we're together, but as soon as I leave the room she calls him or e-mails him. I have read about Plan A and Plan B. How long do I give her to make up her mind. In the mean time, do I track her every move or do I give her space? 2)My second concern is that even if she chooses to try to work things out with me, they can't be completely seperated. I am in graduate school and she is our sole source of income. She can't quit her job, and if she doesn't she will see him every day at the office. We have seen a counselor seperatley once, but she came out pretty much convinced it was just psychological nonsense. I know there are no easy answers, but I guess it just feels better to ask. Thanks

#444514 03/01/04 03:06 PM
Joined: Nov 2003
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Hi cards1,

Welcome to MB although I am sorry that it is due to Adultery.

If you have read about Plan A/B then keep reading all the concepts here and the abbreviations.Get to know the board and read some of the posts other's have made.

Since your WW(wayward wife) appears to want to continue her A(affair),what you should do is Plan A for now.How long you do that is not written in stone but Dr.Harley in the past has recommended about 6 months time.I personally feel,as do some other's,that that is too long.Some people have done 2-3 months,I have done one month.As you get to know how this site works,you may come to your own conclusion.

Since the OM(other man) is a co-worker,you don't have much choice about that contact either but right now that is irrelevant if your WW wants to continue the A.It will,however,be relevant if and when she decides to end it.But more on that later on.

Right now your WW does not see any benefit to counseling and that is to be expected.When your S(spouse) is in an A,their past judgment and ethics go out the window.You will probably even hear hurtful,surprising and strange talk from your WW which we call fogese or fogbabble.WS(wayward spouses) are in what's known as the FOG.These people are willing to jeopardize and risk everything that they have held dear to them: their marriage,their love from their spouse,integrity,honesty,dignity,everything in order to be with this OP(other person).

Regarding the money issue,deal with that when the time comes and we can help advise you.Right now it sounds as though moving out is not an option for you but what does your WW want to do? Is she going to stay in the same house,move out or ? I would suggest that you continue to see a counselor(IC),perhaps get on some antidepressants(if you cannot eat,sleep or function during the day)and get the books, 'Surviving an Affair' and 'His Needs,Her Needs' by Dr.Harley to start.

Keep coming back to post here and keep in mind that the Just Found Out section of this board is usually slower than the General Questions II part so you may want to post there in some time because it has more "traffic".

Continue to be as nice as you can to your WW,express your desire to make the necessary changes in order for you two to be happy again and don't LB(love bust) or yell at your WW.Be as calm as you can when talking to her and I know that may be very,very difficult.

I hope this helps to start but there is so much more to learn so come back again and let us know how you are doing.I'm sure some other regulars will be around soon.

Hang in there.We are here for you.

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

#444515 03/01/04 08:56 PM
Joined: Sep 2003
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Is OW married? If so, you need to let his wife know.

It will be miserable for you at first, but things will get better. Stick with us and we will help you get through this.

#444516 03/01/04 11:44 PM
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Hi. I'm brand new. I've never posted anything in a chat room..........

Hi, when I first came here, I had never posted in a chat room either. Welcome, I am sorry you have to come here, but I believe you can get help.

My wife of 3 years told me last week that she is having an affair.

It's a terrible thing to find out - but I see one good thing - she did tell you. Did you guess and ask? Or did she just feel guilty and talk?

I know this is going to take a long time

It usually does take a long time, and it may very well be the hardest thing you have ever done unless you spent time in a POW camp.

..............I have 2 major concerns.
1) She has not decided whether to try with me or whether to go to him.
What do I do?
The other guy is a co-worker.
I have asked her not to go to lunch with him but she does anyway.
I have asked her not to talk to him when we're together, but as soon as I leave the room she calls him or e-mails him.


It has to be hard for you, but remember this - what she is doing is wrong - and that is a huge understatement, but you can't FORCE her to love you. Your choices are to try and save your M, or walk away. If you want to save it, then you go to plans A, and B.

I have read about Plan A and Plan B. How long do I give her to make up her mind.

Plan A always comes first - that's why it is plan A. It is a strategy to separate the WS from the OP. It is also a time when you can look at yourself, and see if there are improvements to make (though this is not part of plan A) If you contributed to the decline of the M, it is time for you to make changes and meet her needs. You run the plan as long as you can, up to 6 months. If you begin to get burnt out, or loose your love for her because of her continued disrespect to your and your marriage, you go to plan B.
That is where you start, and that is where you put your thoughts and energy. It is NOT going to be easy, but you have to start, and run the plan even if it looks like she is not responding.


In the mean time, do I track her every move or do I give her space?

I think somewhere in between would be in order. If she continues the A, you need to expose it to family, friends, and her workplace. That is part of plan A, but give this a few weeks first, and watch and learn. It is good NOT to confront her every time she calls him and or sees him. Doing that will only help her learn how hide it better. You can tell her that it hurts you, and that it isn't right for her to do it - BUT..................well, lets explain it this way -
When she sees the OP, he is happy, he makes her laugh, she is always happy to see him. When she sees you, (this is usually the way it is) you are hurt and sad, or hurt and angry, and so who does she want to be with? Someone that is negative and dejected, or someone happy and outgoing?

Now, it is almost impossible to be happy, but you can realize that YOU can do well no matter what she does, and you can go on with your life while in plan A This means you find things to make you happy, and that you can succeed in so that you are confident, and that you SHOW HER what kind of person you are .

2) My second concern is that even if she chooses to try to work things out with me, they can't be completely separated. I am in graduate school and she is our sole source of income. She can't quit her job, and if she doesn't she will see him every day at the office.

Ok, lets get this one laid to rest right now. It is NOT CONVENIENT for her to quit, and you want to stay in grad school, but lets look at this from another angle.

If you got terminal cancer, and you were in chemo and near death - what would become of your school? Would you put that on hold while you struggled for your life?

Lets pretend that her company restructured and let her go - would she find another job?

You can't force her to quit any more than you can force her to stop the A, but you need to place your marriage up where it belongs in importance - and that is more important than her job, or your graduate school. At least it is for me - but you get to choose. If you want to save your marriage, you need to be thinking about drastic measures. Some people leave everything and move across the country to get away from the A, and the OP. Are you willing to do that?

We have seen a counselor separately once, but she came out pretty much convinced it was just psychological nonsense. I know there are no easy answers, but I guess it just feels better to ask. Thanks

If you don't have Dr Harleys Books - "His needs, Her needs:, and also "Surviving an Affair", I recommend you get them and read them. There is much to learn, and you need a good start. I realize school is tough, but time is short for your marriage if you don't get going to restore it. I also recommend you call for counseling - the phone numbers are listed here on the web site somewhere. It would give you a big advantage.

I believe HN, HN will give you a good idea about what has gone wrong, and SAA will help you know where to go from here.

For now:
1. Learn
2. Begin plan A
3. Get counseling
4. Continue to adjust based on what happens.
5. Set a time frame for ending plan A, and going to plan B if she does not respond.

Come back and let us know how you are doing, vent here when you are angry or sad.
We care about you.

SS

#444517 03/02/04 09:57 AM
Joined: Mar 2004
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Thanks everybody for your responses and your support. The OMW knows about the A. She confronted him about it and I think that's why my W told me. I was too dense to see all the signs that it was happening. To be clear, my W swears to me that they have only been intimate once. She told me about it a few days later. I am still at a point where I am numb and not at all angry. I am so desperate to keep us together that I haven't allowed myself to be too angry. I try not to be desperate in front of my W. The things you all say make perfect sense, and I will do my best to provide her with a happy place outside of him. Bottom line is that I love her more than anything and I really think we can make it work if she would just choose to try.

I don't know if this is the right place to ask this, but I forgot to ask my counselor last week. I want to continue a sexual relationship with my W, but she has no interest right now. She says she doesn't understand why I'm not disgusted with her and she doesn't want to give me false hope. I have feelings for her that haven't been this intense in a long time, if ever. I know that part of it is that I desperately want to be close to her, and part is that she is projecting a much sexier and confident image because of all the attention she is getting from me and the OM. I guess there's not much advice you can give here. She knows how I feel, so I guess I'll just have to wait until she feels enough for me to be with me. In the mean time, I will try not to push her and I will try to provide for her other emotional needs. Thanks for listening.

#444518 03/02/04 11:47 AM
Joined: Feb 2003
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Plan A does not EXCLUDE doing things to expose and end the affair.

In this case I suggest you and the OM's wife work together to kind of make them being a couple as difficult as possible.

Affairs work in secrecy once exposed most only last 6 months or less.

You can be loving and work on meeting needs while not assisting by inaction her affair.

<small>[ March 02, 2004, 10:54 AM: Message edited by: stunned-dad-fast recovering ]</small>

#444519 03/02/04 12:34 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
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I'm new too, d-day for me was 2/13.

My WH isn't comfortable being with me right now either. I think this is normal.

Why? Sometimes I think it's out of loyalty to OW, sometimes I think it's because I'm pregnant, sometimes I think it's because he's not in love with me. Until my WH can passionately kiss me again, I'm going to try not to think about sex. I'm tired of being rejected and it makes WH self conscious and uncomfortable around me when he rejects me. I guess we won't be ready for a while.

Another book I've really liked is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

Take care.


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