Hey guys, I really need your help.I've been reading here for 2 weeks now, I have ordered the boo SAA but haven't got it yet.DD was Oct 15/03 and at that point I thought the EA was over.He finally admitted itand was so remorseful and we tried for two weeks to talk and work things out, but then I discovered that he had tried to make it a PE and realized that he wasn't being upfront with me and asked him to leave. He had said that if it would be easier on me if he left, he would but I think he really didn't think I would take him up on it. For all of Nov. we only talked briefly on the phone and at the end of the month we talked for 2 hours.He wanted to talk about financial stuff and then I asked him if he was relieved to be gone, but he broke down and said he was so sorry, he didn't want to loose me,etc. We started talking again and going on "dates" and on Jan 17 I asked him to come back home. WE have had few personal talks because he feels I want to keep going over the same issues (his A) but he holds me and tells me he loves me. I do have some things I still want to discuss, but was waiting for the book before asking him to sit down and talk. I have tried to keep a calm and loving atmosphere. There have been times when something would trigger me and I burst out crying. I tried to keep this from him, but but a couple of times he was in the same room and did seem genuinely concerned and asked me if he had just done something to upset me. I told him that there are certain triggers that set me off, most of the time I could control them, but those times it just hit me so hard and fast that I couldn't control them.
Anyway, I thought I was finally "comingaround" and that my anger was starting to fade. That just changed a few minutes ago. I found his credit card statement and have definite proof this is was not over. He still had contact in Dec. when we were separated. Since he moved back he has been home EVERY night, so I don't know if he is still involved. I am upset that he was not honest with me --HE SAID IT WAS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Since I haven't read the book, I"m not sure what to do now. My first thought was to confront him and ask him to leave again since he is not being honest with me. HELP! WHAT DO I DO NOW?

Don't ask him to leave. It is normal that WH still try to keep contact with the OW. What you need to do is reading up on PLan.. Do confront him about it.. and ask him what was going on. Tell him that he lied. I know it is difficult .. but please stay calm. YOu cannot fix anything right now by him being gone. so read up on plan A.. and talk to him about the credit card bills.

Hugs*

Hi comingaround,

Try not to completely freak out just yet.Let's look at the facts.

Your WH was in some kind of contact when you were separated right? But during that month of December,had it already been established that NC was in place? From what you mentioned,you agreed to let him come home mid-January.Was a NC letter ever sent?

This is how I see it.If you were separated during December and you both decided to reconcile in January,with a NC letter sent to OW,then I personally would not be too upset at the contact in December which,technically,was a month that the A was not over,is this right?

If it was established to be over then that's a different story and you do need to confront WH on it.Rememebr, there is a difference between your WH *saying it was over than it *really being over and by that I mean the NC letter should have been drawn up,read and approved by you both and sent to OW.Then all e-mail,credit card,cell phone,etc info CHANGED to prevent OW from contacting your WH.There has to have been an actual *plan in place for the end of the A but it sounds like that wasn't implemented,you only talked on the phone and made half hearted gestures on some type of reconciliation.

Because you "discovered" a piece of evidence that there was contact can be hurtful for sure but does it matter in the grand scheme of your recovery here? Maybe if you can clarify the situation we can review this again.

O

Thanks haruda for your reply.It's just like the first time all over again.I'm shaking, crying, chain smoking,don't want to eat- I guess this means I won"t sleep tonight either.I thought that everything was going to be okay- not easy but I had calmed down and thought he was really serious and dedicated to making this work.The fact that he was holding back again means to me that he is not serious . I had read a post not long ago where someone said WH had wandered 6 or 7 times since DD and I thought at the time why would she bother with him? I decided that if the OW or any OW came back in the picture that would be it for me.But then before this I always figured that if a spouse wanders there should be no second chance. What do I know?I swallowed my word on that and took him back the first time.

Thanks again for your reply- the first time I didn't know about this site and now I know there are so many out there that do know how I feel.

I know I'm supposed to hang in there and do plan A now, but I don't know if I can stay calm. A real LB storm is on it's way.

Thanks Octobergirl- I should clarify. On Sept. 28 I did confront him- he spent the night away from home, saying he was on a bike trip. He was really into mountain biking and this trail was 6 hours away. When he came home I did ask him if he had spent the night with someone- he became very angry that I "would even think of such a thing" ( I recently read that this is one of the signs)Just that little things started to add up, but I had no proof.He told me what I wanted to hear , said we didn't talk, we didn't do things together anymore and I felt SO GUILTY for accusing him.On Oct 15, what I call DD I did confront him with proof.After 2 untruthful explanations he did admit that he was "trying" to have an affair with her, but realized she didn't feel the same and had conned him into paying blackmail so that she wouldn't call me , as she threatened to do if he didn't pay her. The night in question he had taken her to the airport for her trip,but that was all. He realized that she didn't care about him and that's when it was over for him. So on DD he said it was over.She called when she got back, wanting more money, but he told her no. So there was no NC letter. I believed him when he said it was over, and have had no reason not to. Yes, this contact was in Dec. -he sent her more money.
If I already knew about them why would he still be sending her money? Guess I'll find out tonight.

Thanks again for your reply

Hi again,

Yes do find out what his "explanantion" is.If it is truly over and you know about this OW then there is absolutely no reason at all for him to "blackmailed" into sending her more money.Not if it's over and the truth is out.

He needs to be upfront eith you and let you have access to all credit card bills and phone bills,etc.He should be an open book about everything if he really means it's over but I'm not convimced it is.Sorry,I know how hurtful this can be.

O

Update- I did confront him last night, and he proved that the money did not go to her.I did apologize for jumping to conclusions and today I'm getting the cold shoulder. SAA came today and I just started reading it.