I need help and advice. I've filed for a divorce after 25 years of marriage. He's had an infedility problem for over 1/2 of our marriage. I love him with all my heart and this is simply killing me. He thinks he's in love with this woman of 2 1/2 months. Is there a way to win him back? I don't want to anger him or belittle him but I want him to know how much I truely love him. No, I do not think that I deserve to live with infedility for the rest of my life. Is there a good approach to find out for sure if I'm really the one for him? Or if he's not the one for me? The divorce will be final in 32 days unless something happens to turn on the light in him for me again.
Thanks,

Hi iggy,

Glad to see you made it over here. If you haven't bought a copy of Surviving an Affair yet...please do so. If you can delay the divorce for a bit while you attempt to apply these prinicples...I would love to see you do that. You have today, tommorow and everyday for the rest of your life to divorce your husband...you only have a very small window of opportunity to save your marriage. Why not try that first? Serial cheating is a special challenge however....so be very careful about having clear boundaries and very strict conditions in place if you would consider reconciliation.

<small>[ March 02, 2004, 12:46 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

One quick question: if you really want to save your marriage, why did you file for divorce? You are sending contradictory signals to everyone - especially your H - by taking this contradictory action.

Piggy backing onto star*fish's message, cease the divorce process right away if you first want to attempt to salvage the marriage. You can always return to it later if the salvage attempt fails or you change your mind.

Or...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The divorce will be final in 32 days unless something happens to turn on the light in him for me again.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">....is this your self imposed time limit? Have you decided that in 32 days the calendar will make the decisions for you?? If so, no advice we can provide will change the outcome.

I can see why you filed for divorce if he cheated on you again and again for 12 years in your 25 year marriage. He is really a cheater. Can he be improved or what? How have you lived with his cheating on you again and again for so long. Maybe living with a cheater can be addicting in itself:

1. You constantly have to be monitoring his calls

2. You have to try and check if he is at work or at a motel.

3. You have to try and "win" his affections away from other women, and if you win, even for the moment, the feeling is great.

4. You feel bad because he prefers other women over you so you keep trying to "be better and better in order to please him" this can be addicting.

5. You feel awful most of the time and you cannot trust him, you get used to this feeling and so it becomes a comfortable feeling even if it is a bad feeling.

6. You no longer value yourself and your husband does not value you and you become used to feeling low self esteem and it is hard for you to break out of this rut you are in.

7. If you had a husband who did not cheat on you, it would not feel "normal" anymore you are so damaged by the cheater you are married to.

I agree with all of the above. He drank and cheated with one night stands for the first 8 years and then we had a 10 year span where he did not. He became self employed during that 10 years and a lot of things happened to create the cheating that occured for the last 7. He says that he was not in this affair when we talked about separation but I've been told otherwise. And I believe that the intention was there even if the sex was not a part of the relationship at the beginning. I have listened very carefully to what he has told me over the past few weeks. At this point he's in love or believes that he's in love with this woman and has no intention of leaving her. So with that said I am going through with the divorce. I don't know if I can rekindle his feelings for me or not. I would like to try to his friend and really get to know this person who seems to be a stranger at this point. He wants a friendship. And he does not know where this relationship with her will go due to it's newness. I know that deep down he still loves me but he says that he's not in love with me. Yes I've lived trying to control and rebuild trust for the past 2 years and that has now been shattered. When I hear him talk about our marriage it's all my fault for not being what he needed sexually or making him feel desired. I think that's largely due to a lack of boundaries on my part and his lack of respect for me in that department. I've allowed a lot of things in the past that I shouldn't have. And maybe it is over but I don't think he wants to be out of my life. Yes, maybe the divorce sent the wrong signal but I've told him several times it's not what I want. But it's what he wants at this time. I think that his history of infidelity with his first wife and me too is the problem. He doesn't think he will ever be able to be faithful to anyone even her. He can for now because it's new. But I realize that she's in the same boat as I was because he wants me to be the friend to confide in when things about her piss him off. This is all too weird. If you are getting mixed vibs from me then maybe it's cause I'm getting mixed vibs from him. Can anyone sort this out and tell me where I am?
Thanks

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by imgoofy76:
<strong>Can anyone sort this out and tell me where I am?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are confused about what you want - understandably so. All the more reason to NOT make hasty decisions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Yes, maybe the divorce sent the wrong signal but I've told him several times it's not what I want. But it's what he wants at this time.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then let him get it done!

Take this to the bank: If you allow the divorce process to take place in 32 days - you will give yourself a nagging question of whether you should have done it or not. You will always wonder if you did the right thing - especially when this "love of his life" turns out to be something different.

If he wants a divorce - FINE!! Let him get one!! Don't help, but don't resist it, either. In the meantime, Plan A your butt off. If he really does it - you'll exit guilt free, knowing you did your best.

WAT

I'm sorry but I do not know what a Plan A is. Is there information on this and Plan B too?

iggy,

The homesite has information about Plan A and B. There is thread after thread around here with other discussions. There is a board here for Plan A and B and finally..."Surving an Affair" has excellent descriptions. Just start reading....and you'll pick it up pretty fast.

Basically...Plan A consists of filling needs that you can, STOP all love busting, confronting spouse with your feelings about the affair and exposing the affair.

I have decided after reading about plan A and B that I will try plan B. I do love this man and right now I see him trying to change everything about himself and I was told by someone that I trust that he sounds like someone that hates himself and has lost God. I think that is a true statement to a large degree. I think that the shame of what he's done for so many years is just overwhelming but I can't undestand why he would want to continue to add more shame on top of that. So at this point I think the best thing I can do is distance myself, get on with my life and be there as a friend if needed. Maybe in time he will see that our family is worth fighting for. I can only hope but I will not wait as I must continue living for myself and my children. This is probably the hardest thing for me right now but I'm not sure what else I can do. I've asked him to give up the OW and he's not ready to do that so I must do this. I would appreciate any advice or information especially from anyone that has gone through this sort of thing and gotten back together.
Thanks,

Do you want to attempt to save your marriage or not?

If you do not want to try, continue Plan "D" that you already started.

If you want to attempt to save your marriage, stop the divorce proceedings and implement Plan A. You're not ready for Plan B.

In Plan A, you identify YOUR contributions to the poor marital environment, fix them, demonstrate to your H that they are fixed, stop love busters and disrespectful judgements, and fill all his emotional needs he lets you.

After a sufficient amount of time in Plan A, if he is not ready to commit to your marriage, THEN Plan B is in order.

So, what will it be?

WAT

I have decided after reading about plan A and B that I will try plan B.
It's not really "pick & choose" which plan you want, ESPECIALLY when you have not read "Surviving An Affair".

Read "Surviving An Affair" by Dr Willard Harley.
This is the guide" for Plan A and Plan B.

So at this point I think the best thing I can do is distance myself, get on with my life and be there as a friend if needed.
That is not the "best" thing you can do.

Read the book and also read the links below.