Just found out last week.

We are in a holding pattern. She didn't know he was married (since June 2000). They've had a long distance relationship for the last year. They talked of a future together. But he never thought I would find out.

Now I've shown him the door. He says he's confused. Sometimes he says he loves me still, sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes he thinks of coming home, sometimes he doesn't. Says he wants time alone.

I think he's still trying to make up with her since she dumped him as well.

He got into a small fender bender... calls me.... asks me to take him to the airport. He cries, alot, but says he is sure it won't work for us. He said that if it fails, then he knows he'll be the one to blame.

One minute I want to fight for our marriage, the next I just want to crawl into a whole and die. I don't know if we can make it work either, but I am/was willing to try.

How long before I take the choice away from him ?

betrayed, sorry to welcome you aboard, but you will find a lot of support here. Let me just say, that it is so early on in this, you can't possibly make any decisions. Your feelings are so jumbled, and your decisions are life altering so you need to wait and give it time before you can really decide what needs to be done as far as saving the marriage or not. I'm 14 mos. past Dday (discovery day) and still struggling constantly. But, I have 4 children, so my decision affects their lives, and mine, so I have to be 110% sure.

If I understand correctly, you just found out. You are in the absolute shock stages of this. Find a good IC (individual counselor) and if necessary get some anti depressants. It is going to be a stressful road ahead. Noone can tell you what the outcome will be. You are going to have to be strong no matter what happens.

For right now, take care of you. Much of what comes out of a WS (wayward spouse) mouth is just insanity while they are in the "fog". Read up on this website. It is almost scary how there is almost a script for this crap that they follow.

Anyhow, just know this board is open 24/7 and you should read and vent if necessary.

Let us know how you are doing.

jersey

It would be helpful if we had some more info to work off of.

How long was/is the affair? How long have you known? How long have you been married? Have either of you had affairs in the past?

Who was your third grade music teacher......sorry I know it seems like I want your life history.

The longer the affair normally the greater the emotional investment in the other person.

The length of the marriage matters as well.

Right read up all you can on affairs so you can feel better prepared.

Try this link for starters:

http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/tips/patternaffair.html

We've been together 6 years, married almost 4. OW says affair has been going on about a year. H denies that... says it's only been a few months. We live in Jersey, she lives in Texas. She says she travels here on business. H has NEVER spent the night away from the home unless on business in Ohio. I know she's never been with him there. I would have found out immediately through mutual friends.

No other affairs that I know of or could prove. I've never strayed. Never had any desire. Problems started in our marriage about 6 months ago. We were pushing each other away, ignoring one another. I claim my portion of responsibility for this.

I'm 38, my WH is going on 43. OW is 28. We had no children together.

He's half moved out all of his personal belongings. Hasn't stayed here, but moved back in with his mother since D-Day (last tuesday).

He says he needs time to find out what is wrong with him. He needs time to do what he wants. He says its not about me or her, it's about him.

I can only make a decision for me. And I really don't know what to do. I realize I'm trying to make a decision too soon. In some strange way, I feel better if I know our marriage is still a possibility in HIS mind, even if I'm not sure it is in mine. THAT confuses me the most.

Don't know if he's still calling her..... she didn't know he was married and dumped him. They talked of a future together. But he told her we seperated 3 years ago. I don't know what that means.

So I guess I'm taking time. It will be my best friend and my worst enemy. How this will end.... I have NO clue. When will I stop feeling this anguish ?..... again... NO clue.

Well he could be in withdrawal.....I know that the thought of having to help him cope with the lose of a relationship he shouldn't have had in the first place sucks but that's the way it goes.

Clearly the logistics for him leaving over her are slim and none....and slim left for Mexico.

So lets consider him in withdrawal and still in the so called "fog" especially since he has no sense of how long the affair was going on....OW has no reason to lie she has dumped him.

Last night was probably one of the worst nights. Today was the first day I woke up feeling worse then when I went to bed.
He returns from Ohio tomorrow night. I'm not sure if he'll ask me to pick him up at the airport or not.
When I dropped him off there on Sunday, I left him there crying. All he kept saying is I don't know. I didn't say anything or ask any questions, it's all he kept saying. I was the supportive one at the time. Telling him he'd be okay. That he has to get his act together since he's messing up at his job.
Then no matter how hard I tried this week, I couldn't keep my emotions in check. Monday was okay, Tuesday was a disaster, Wednesday I fell completely apart emotionally.
I go back to work on Monday. I don't know how. But someone I have to learn to pick myself up off the floor each day and go on living.
I'm going to the doctor today and calling a counselor.

9 days post D-Day