Hi everyone,
I'm brand new to this site. Here is my history. I've been married for 5 years, together for 10. We have a 2 year old girl. Things haven't been going well for a while (about 2yrs). I never had any reason to not trust her however, she started acting and doing things that made me stop and think. Needless to say, I found enough to confront her (to many details to get into but believe me, there was a lot of things that actually made me throw up). At first she denied it, then she said she met him on the internet, then he wanted to call her so she got a secret cell phone (she already has one). At first she swore that she never met him in person and that it was just phone sex. The following day I did some snooping on the computer and found some things that would lead to her being pregnant. She admitted they did meet and had sex but swore she miscarried (had an appointment for an abortion set up).

Anyway, I am CRUSHED! I can't believe I still love her and want her back so bad. She left the house and took our daughter with her. Everytime she comes to the house I beg her to come home but she just takes more and more stuff everyday. She actually seems annoyed that I want her back.

PLEASE... ANYONE... I WANT HER BACK AND I FORGIVE HER... WHAT DO I DO????????????????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ March 03, 2004, 06:12 AM: Message edited by: Confused.. ]</small>

Welcome, and I am sorry. Your story is like many others here - you have come to the right place. People here will help you as best they can to sort out what's going through your mind, iterpret your wife's behavior and give you pointers to help save your marriage.
If you have not read the Basic Concepts and Q&A, do so, as it will be very helpful and it will be hard to communicate effectively with others on this board without having done so.
You will probably be amazed to find out that all the things your wife is saying and doing right now are uncannily similar to all the other WS (wayward spouses) talked about on this forum. It's all part of the "fog" they're in.
The first pointer I will give you, is despite the desperation and anguish you feel right now, do not cry (if you can possibly help it, in front of her), beg or grovel, as it will only serve to make things worse. Do show her you love her and want to be married to her in a non-suffocating, non-clingy way.
The more quickly and whole-heartedly you begin to apply the principles you will find here, the better chance you have of saving your marriage.
Again, I am very sorry for what you are going through. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Hopefully, you will find the wisdom and support that you need here.

Thanks for the quick response. I know I'm supposed to give her space but it's just so hard when I see her. I just want to hug her. Anyway, tonight I almost went to her work and left baloons on her car (did that when we first were together)but then realized that may do more harm than good. Also, she asked me to watch our daughter on Friday as she picked up more "night" hours at work. I'm soooo paranoid and when I think of what she might be up to, my stomach turns.

Right now it just seems so hopeless. I truly believe that she has made up her mind and we are in fact through. IT'S KILLING ME INSIDE!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ March 02, 2004, 09:44 PM: Message edited by: Confused.. ]</small>

Are you OK with her taking your daughter? (I mean I know you're not OK, but...) Is there any way possible that you could keep her with you, primarily? You will find one of the concepts here is that the WS needs to own their decision to leave, and since they are the ones who had an affair, they arte the ones breaking their vows and wanting out, YOU should not be the one having to suffer losses such as the loss of your children (or home or whatever). Why does she think she can just leave and take your child?
Does she stay home with her or is she in daycare? Because if she's in daycare, then why shouldn't you keep her there with you?
The more your WW has to deal with the consequences of her actions, the better.

She has made a very good effort to let me see my daughter. I think I see her as much as she does. My W only works like one or two days a week.

I woke up this morning thinking that she is sleeping at her mom's right now and all I could think was she'd rather be there than here with me. It seems like everyday that goes by it gets harder and harder. Last night when she picked my daughter up I asked her if she missed me. She said no... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I'M SO LOST AND DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Start reading all the information here. It will really help you. Also read lots of posts. You will soon see that WS's all do and say the same thing. It is almost like a script.

So take comfort in the fact that your wife is behaving in the typical manner. Don't take it personally. I know, it is hard not to. But they are like addicts, and will say/do anything to get their fix.

We all started out like you. It does get better. Lots of members here have their spouse back. So don't give up. You have a plan and she does not.

Welcome to MB my brotha.. read on.. and I wish you luck. Please do take care of yourself, we only have one lifetime, please do not waste it.

BIG HUGS from across the ocean.

Confused,

This is what you do....You go out and you buy a copy of "Surviving an Affair" today...it will give you the guide you need and a plan to follow. Read up on Plan A and B because you will begin Plan A now.

Here are cerri's guidelines for Plan A:

Plan A is not (repeat NOT) about making the WS happy, or feeling good.

Plan A is NOT, contrary to popular (and very incorrect opinion), about "making yourself a better person," or "working on yourself."

Plan A is ALL ABOUT the straying spouse. In Willard Harely's ever brilliant words, Plan A is a stategy to end the affair and to entice the straying spouse to reconsider the marriage.

So, it has several elements that should be done at the same time.

First is to eliminate LBers and to meet needs as best you can... recognizing that the unfaithful mate may not allow the betrayed partner to meet needs.

Second is to CONFRONT the unfaithful partner with what you know. Doing so (of course) in a way that is respectful and about you... how you feel, how you are affected by the affair.

Third is to expose the affair to the scrutiny of the world. The lover's spouse or s/o, coworkers, family, friends, church family, children, etc.

ALL OF THAT is Plan A. And it should be done as much as possible simultaneously. (If you don't believe me call the radio show Mondays and Thursdays at 1pm Central Time and ask Dr. Harley for yourself.)

Plan A must have a deadline. It's called Plan "A" because there is a second step... aptly named Plan "B." Willard Harley suggests a max of 6 months for men and 3 months for women before going to the next step. If Plan A hasn't worked in that time, it's not going to.

(I challenge you to find anyone who has done Plan A longer than that and been successful. I define successful as the A ending, n/c promised and verified, and the couple working a good recovery plan which includes meeting needs, eliminating LBers, getting in 15 hours a week of UAT, and most importantly following POJA.)

Hi Confused- I just found this site 3 weeks ago and wish I had known about it sooner. I think I've read every post there is and I keep checking for the updates. I just got the SAA book yesterday and started reading it. You'll learn so much from the posts, the books, and those who reply. I know that just having someone reply is a tremendous boost. You'll find that many have gone through the emotions you are, and can relate to you, and you to them. You have a great support group here, so keep posting and reading.

I don't understand how to implement plan A when she is not around. How can I show her what she's missing when all she wants to do is drop off/pick up my daughter (5 min visit). The other day I wanted to put baloons on her car but I'm afraid that will push her away (like crying and begging).

The fact that she doesn't want to be with me actually hurts just as much, if not more, than the affair.

Also, I don't know if it's still going on since it is a long distance affair and he is married with kids as well.

It will take some time to turn this around. When you do see her, stay in Plan A. In the meantime work on yourself, which is really the only thing you can control anyway.

Keep reading and posting here.

Confused,

I know exactly what you are going through as my husband met someone on the internet and started an affair.

Im not really in the position to give advice (see my post!) but if you need someone to talk to feel free to post me. Im new here but i will help if i can, even if its just someone to listen.

Jenn

Confused it does get better my friend, I had a friend whos wife met some one on the internet and it was 8 months of pure hell for him, she kicked him out 4 times in that period but today they are a very happy couple that my wife and i play cards with every once in awhile. you WW (wayward wife) is in a "fog" right now but with the steps in SAA "survivng an affair" you can win her back also there are other books that you can read a list is on this site somewhere. I do not say it will be easy but nothing worth having is easy. I wish i could say more but i have not the right words to say and what i say may hurt more than help, i just want to let you know that we r here to help you thru this time in your life.
my prayers are with you,
cliff

Hi confused,
So sorry to see you here. You said that this guy is married with kids, is there any way you can make contact with his wife and expose the affair to her. Often by exposing it to the OP spouse is the beginning of the end of the affair.

Just a thought.
Hang in there and try to look after yourself.

Well, she just called me out of the blue. She said that her cell phone beeped and thought it was me. Is she playing games or is she starting to miss me?

Welcome to the rollercoaster ride. She will probably follow the WS script and be on and off, on and off. So take care of you. Read all of the books and the information here, and stay in Plan A. It is very miserable at first, but does get much better. Hang on!

Did I just scare her off? This morning I got a call from her credit card company to verify activity on the account. Of course I'm thinking she just made a huge purchase (trip or cruise). When she came to pick up my daughter, I told her that the CC company called. She called them back in front of me and everything turned out to be nothing (just me being paranoid). I know this is normal behavior for me but I'm so pissed at myself for screwing up. She said this is exactly why she isn't living here anymore. She also went on to say that she is happy at her mom's house and she doesn't feel sad or miss me or anything. I told her it would take time to rebuild the trust and that she should be willing to show me that everything is OK. I just think all I did was push her away for another few months. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I'm really upset...

confused,
welcome...but still sorry that you're here.

here's the thing. if you want plan A or anything else to work, (as far as getting your WW back) then you better get up off your knees and begin making yourself more attractive.

she cheats on you, you catch her and for whatever reason, she decides to walk out out you! And what do you do? you beg and plead for her to come back? now what's wrong with this image do you think?

so you want her back, OK!? so maybe what you need to do is settle down and begin trying to understand the situation and deal with what is instead of your own fear.

man, she is already out the door. she left you for what ever reason. you didn't throw her out. you didn't demand that she leave! all you did was catch her cheating! grow up! what were you suppose to do...Nothing!?

so now you want to plan A but she isn't living with you anymore and you can't see how to go about it? well here it is, you go about it by loosing the emotional outbursts, giving her space and time.

by being friendly when she makes contact with you. you don't push her for relationship decisions and you don't make judgemental accusations and you don't make demands. you don't call names and you don't show anger or hostility.

what you do is present your WW with a rational person seeking to understand her and her problems and thus re-developing a connection with her which allows her to trust you.

to do that you unfortunatly have to be the adult and be understanding of her. it's as easy as this. LOL (i know not so easy ha?)don't bother her to much but be respectful and kind when she contacts you. don't press her to make decision and to meet with you. just be patient and wait for her to get her self to a place where she wants to confront issues with you.

be patient.

coach.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> She is still seeing him... Just found out the whole story.

Crushed again... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Yes, be patient. That is the best you can do. It is hard. But you have to do it.