I knew my husband had some attraction to males when we married 17 years ago. It was never a big issue and we loved each other very much and had a good marriage. Over time the usual cycle of his not giving me enough affection leading to my wanting less sex caused some strain but we remained firm friends and took it as one of those things you go through in marriage. 3 Years ago I met a much younger man on the internet who met my needs. I became an internet addict and thought of nothing but this man, losing touch with my real life. Although this relationship didnt work out i persisted in my habit searching for someone else to meet those needs. Eventually I left my husband. After 15 months apart I felt ready to love him again but when i came back he was gone, in teh sense that i didnt recognise him. He had begged me to come back over and over but when i felt ready to do it I found that he had become teh internet addioct and was hanging out in gay chatrooms and had a series of gay friends.He had finally made teh male friends that he had longed for all his life. He told me that he was bisexual and that he thought that the gaything was somethign that he needed to work through. I have been back 3 months. During that time i have tried hard to meet his emotional needs. He refuses to read DrHarleys book or fill in the questionnaire on them so I just have to work on pretty much all of the needs that I can. He is happy to discuss Dr Harleys book and the concepts that I bring up with him and he well aware of what my emotional needs are ,though after a short time trying to meet them when I first came back he has pretty much given up (a pattern that has been true all our married life when i have asked him for affection). He now says that I sowed my wild oats whilst I was away and that I have come back too soon and that he has a right to now sow his. The biggest blow came last night when he really opened up to me and told me that he now has no sexual attraction towards women at all. He said he will have sex with me if I ask but that he has no desire for it. I want to add that we have 7 children aged between 4 and 16. They desperately need their father but his life revolves around teh computer. When I gently approached their need for him last night he agreed to spend more time with them. May I also add that he has been having personal counselling and I feel that this has made him totally introspective and aware of his own needs at the cost of the needs of his own family. His online bf recently ended their relationship but they arestill in constant touch as freinds. I have chatted with him and asked for his help. Can this marriage work out? Every time I try to talk with him he just throws my past behaviour in my face and calls me a hypocrite. What can I do to get my husband back? Can I or should I just throw in the towel ?

Hi Debbra,

Welcome to MB.I would just like to say that I don't think you need to throw in the towel right now but I do believe that your particular story is very complex and I'm not sure how to help.I think a marriage counselor(MC) in addition to individual counsleling may help you both to explore what is going on and where this may lead.

I'm sorry but I wouldn't really know where to begin to help.This isn't just about a single case of infidelity,there's so much more going on.

I wish you the best and I hope maybe one of the "old timers" here can offer some insight.

Take care.

O

we live in a very small town...the only MCs here are very amateur and ,frankly, after seeing what individual counselling has done to him I dont want to risk that (all counsellors here attend the same course). We had counselling some years ago and it simply pulled up stuff from the past that would best have been left there. Ive decided to put the gay thing aside for the moment and treat this simply as a case of a man who is hurt due to my infidelity and upset due to his affair ending. I spoke to his ex online bf and he has agreed never to talk to him again for the benefit of our marriage. I guess its up to me to just be the best I can be for him and emotionally support him through withdrawal. I think this is probably the best course of action for now. If anyone has any more ideas I would appreciate them.

we live in a very small town...the only MCs here are very amateur and ,frankly, after seeing what individual counselling has done to him I dont want to risk that (all counsellors here attend the same course). We had counselling some years ago and it simply pulled up stuff from the past that would best have been left there. Ive decided to put the gay thing aside for the moment and treat this simply as a case of a man who is hurt due to my infidelity and upset due to his affair ending. I spoke to his ex online bf and he has agreed never to talk to him again for the benefit of our marriage. I guess its up to me to just be the best I can be for him and emotionally support him through withdrawal. I think this is probably the best course of action for now. If anyone has any more ideas I would appreciate them.

Debbra- Done have ANY experinece wih this but, can you really put a "gay thing" on the back burner?

Maybe some will feel a dumb question: But does it matter if your H wants to step out and be with a man or a woman (other than the obvious). Isn't 3 in the relationship a problem regardless?

Seems that the problem is that he wants to as he says "sow his wild oats", just as HE Feels you did. (Rightly or wrongly)

SO, is a male OP any worse than a female OP?? (In your eyes it probably is, but does it change what you need to do to get him back?)

I've read many a post where the WS has NO SF toward there BS, even with out the gay part of it. So this can be overcome.

Indeed, your post says that he is actually bi-sexual. All the children involved can attest to that. So if you work on this You STILL have a chance. Keep at it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ March 05, 2004, 01:40 PM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

Top post.... I actually dont find the idea of the OP being a guy any different.
I agree that what I need to do to get him back is exactly the same. Im really grateful for this site because it has taught me that when he says he isnt in love with me any more andthat i should lok for a straight guy, it is simply his hurt talking. Wehad a very good marriage for a large number of years and the fact that he is being sorely tempted to take another direction is not going to sway me in this course. When i had my affair online he went about dealing with it entirely teh wrong way, shouting, raving, preaching. Because of this site I now know better and emotionally he is opening up to me and sharing his grief a great deal. Unfortunately today he contacted the OP to "check he had deleted my photos". It truly is an addiction....

Hi Debbra
I was just wondering how your doing?I discovered another site that may help you also.It's called Royces Relationship Resource,rrr.kimcm.dk forum,you can try this anyway .I hope things are better for you.Keep in touch.Thank you for your thread.