My husband and I have been married for 91/2 yrs. together 13yrs. We have two little girls 4 and 15mo. I found out on Valentines that he has been has been having a sexual affair for 6 mo. I am crushed I had no idea and did not see it comming. The girls and I had to move out of our home 8mo. ago cause he could not pay the electric bill and the power was turned off. Then he suddenly decided that he needed to fix our septic system that has been broke ever since we married. well he dug out around it but that was all he did he just stopped. I felt it was cause of time and money. But he had been living with his mom for 2 mo, then he moved out and in with another woman and was living with her and her grandparents and her 9yr old for 6 mo untill I found out about the affair. Then he moved back in with his mom. I still love him and want him back. He promised me that he would not talk to her or see her anymore and he would tell me if she called him. Then I found out Sunday that they are still talking on the phone and he did not tell me, I just saw it on his phone. I am reading Surviving and A. now but I cant fill his love bank when I cant be with him. He works all of the time and if they call him he leaves to work at any time. And I dont know if he is really working or out seeing her. I told him that he needs to decide who and what he wants before we can work on us if he chooses us. This is killing me. I cant eat and I cant sleep. I want him so badly I feel like I am obsessed with him. I find myself thinking of cheking his cell phone bill to look for her number. I have even thought last night of going to get a GPS tracking system and put it in his truck so that I can see where he is and where he is going. I would not normaly think of these things. I am a stay at home mom. I want to call him all of the time and be with him and know where he is. I just cant stop thinking about him. But I feel like he is gonna decide to leave. I get along good with his mom but he doesnt get long with my parents so he wont live here with me. I cant live with his mom cause she is a heavy smoker and our oldest has breathing problems. And we cant move home. I have not seen him at all this week and I just cant stand it. Everyone already knows about the affair and she knows about me. Now what I guess I just wait. Sorry this is so long I just needed to vent a little. Thanks

Mrs. Gilbert - sorry you are here but you will have tons of support during this difficult time.

I am not an expert but wanted to suggest a few things:

Is the OW married? If so, tell her husband.

Why can you not live at your home with your kids? If the septic tank needs fixing and that is the only thing keeping you from living there then I would have it fixed and move home with my children.I don't think I could work on my marriage or myself living with my parents.

Was your husband at all remorseful? Is he willing to go to counseling?

Try to work on you --you can't change him, you can only change you.
I understand your desire or compulsion to keep track of him, but don't make yourself sick doing it. I finally realized that I needed to transfer my "obsession" of thinking about the EA to thinking about me --- granted my WH has never left home and is working hard to earn trust...but I wasted alot of time, energy, etc worrying about it ---- I still think of it often but I am not obsessed --- I know that I am in the driver's seat right now and know that regardless of what happens I will be ok.

Keep us posted -- Just know that we are here for you -- vent, cry, etc as needed.

<small>[ March 04, 2004, 10:14 AM: Message edited by: NotsopeachyinGA ]</small>

We cant move home cause of the septic system he still has not fixed it and I cant call someone out to fix it. The OW is not married. Husband was a little sorry for what he did but not willing to counsel right now. I sure dont feel like I am in the driver seat thats for sure. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My parents dont even want me to try to work this out they say that enough is enough and they hope that I have had enough. But his mom says that she wants what ever will make us happy. I just dont want to be moving the girls in and out. I dont want to move home for us to have to move back out again if he doesnt want me. He likes to travel and I have not been able to cause of the kids. When we were able to travel I got pregnant and we could not go then I was nursing for almost 2yrs then I got pg again and am nursing. He took the OW to New O. for her birthday and then took her to Taho on Christmas day after spending the morn. with me and the girls. He has not even touched the things we gave him for christmas but is using the things the OW gave him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mrsgilbert:
<strong> He likes to travel and I have not been able to cause of the kids. When we were able to travel I got pregnant and we could not go then I was nursing for almost 2yrs then I got pg again and am nursing. He took the OW to New O. for her birthday and then took her to Taho on Christmas day after spending the morn. with me and the girls. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmm... I think I see something weird here. Unless you are a very talented woman, you did not get pregnant alone. It's at least 1/2 you husband's fault. Don;t you realize this. Forgive me for sounding harsh and judgemental, I do not mean to be, but my gut reaction is that you are playing the victim. If you hubby and you wanted to travel there are ways of avoiding getting pregnant.

If he is taking the OW to New Orleans and to Taho and septic system is not fixed, something is seriously wrong. You need to get some help. If nothing else he should be paying to fix the septic system. I hope is is also helping to pay for the kids.

Hi
I am so sorry you are here.

First, If you H is working and can clearly afford to travel and spend money on OW, then he can afford to pay for septic system and power.

Do you have access to your family money?
I would suggest you contact H and ask for him to fix septic and pay for power reconnection. Suggest that if he will not that you will need to arrange to have a workman come in and fix it and for power to be reconnected. And send the bill to him or pay for it from your Family money.

Your H cannot shirk his reponsibiliy towards you and the children in order to enable his affair.
If his true motive in not moving to be with you and kids is his relationship with your parents this would remove that obstacle and allow you to be together.

If he is true in his desire to reconcile with you he needs to maintain no contact with other woman. He needs to write a no contact letter and the two of you need to mail it. Recovery cannot occur while he is still in contact with other woman.

Read all you can on this site. Good you have SAA. Read the book. Get into counseling. If H will not do this go yourself.

Try to eat properly and get some sleep. You need to look after yourself. It is hard. If you are having trouble with this see a doctor.

It is early days and your reactions are totally normal and experienced by most BS at this stage. Do not feel guilty at your desire to snoop. You have lost your trust and it is difficult to regain and your H needs to act to regain that trust. Ask him how he can reassure you and make you feel safer. Not telling you about contact and leaving to work so often is not a good way to instill trust in you.

Some more experienced posters will give you good advice. I have been here a while, but am less experienced in advice giving than some here.

Hugs
C&S

Justin you are right it did take both of us to get pg again. But all I am saying is that is why I could not travel cause I was either pg or nursing. But he still wanted to go even without me.

I dont have access to the family money and never have. He has the power back on but doesnt have the septic fixed. He still has not even moved his stuff out of her house yet. I told him that he needed to get all of his things out right after I found out about the OW, but he still has not. He says that he is not seeing her but they still talk on the phone sometimes. I dont know why he wont get his things. I called OW yesterday and asked her if they were still seeing each other. I told her I knew they were still talking on the phone. But she would not give me a straight answer, she would only say "I think you know the answer to that."
As far as giving me money for the kids he gives me very little. He has not given me any money in 3 weeks then today he gave me $100 to get diapers, baby food, a b-day gift we needed for a party today. He said that he may be able to give me another $20 in a few days. But that wont last long cause I need gas to get our oldest to and from school.

Time to see a lawyer and get some temporary support established. Your H is in the fog and will not treat you and children right at this time.

Next read the book and all the information here. We will help you through this. It is miserable at first, but you will feel better later. Usually husbands come back to the family.

In the meantime, if you are nursing, you need to eat and take care of yourself. Do this for your baby. If you cannot eat right, then you need to get baby on formula.

I agree with Believer.

I think that it is necessary to get some financial support here. If he will not provide it willingly, then you will need to pusue legal chanels.

He seems to want reconciliation by your posts. Is it possible to ask him to please fix septic so you and the children can move back into your home.

How are you feeling? Are you coping OK. Are you working at the moment. Are your parents a good support for you?

Continue to learn and try to do Plan A. But you really need to get something sorted about financial arrangements.

Good luck

mrs gilbert
please get support for your kids at least, I know you H is in a fog but the kids should always come first for everyone concerned.
my prayers are with you
cliff

I have asked him to get septic fixed and he says that he cant afford it right now. I have told him last week that he needed to decide what he wants, if it is me, OW or something else. And he still has not made a decision as of yet. I was hopeing that after a week he would have cause I made that decision in a week. I am eating much better, I think that it was just the shock of it all and had my stomach so upset that I just could not. I am still nursing but not all of the time baby is on solid foods also. She only nurses when she is ready to nap or sleep for the night. I am not her only food. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But thank you for your concern. Well I am off to church this am. Thank you all for your adivice.

Well that is good news about the nursing. I nursed my boys well into 3 years. EEEK! But they came out healthy and slender.

Don't wait for H to provide for you. If he is like mine he will continue blowing money on OW. He denies this, but makes $50,000 a year, and has only given me $20. in the last year. Also he only has $40. to last until next payday. He has nothing to show for all this money, just good times.

So take care of your financial needs. WS's will continue to spend, spend, spend to keep OW.

Silly me!
I thought you meant working as a nurse. Didn't twig that you meant nursing your baby. That is because I'm an Australian and we call it breastfeeding.

And here was I thinking that at least you had some income from your nursing job.

How are you supporting yourself and the kids if you are not working and getting so little financial help? Are you eating OK? I am worried.

How are you going today? I am about to go to bed shortly as it is late at night here.
Hang in there
C&S

C&S
I am doing better today thank you. I went over to our house yesterday and started cleaning up cause it has been so long since anyone has been there. And H showed up and decided to help me, we had a nice time. I am eating better now I think it was just cause I was so upset and I just felt sick all of the time and when I did eat it just came right back (nice <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ). But I am doing better now. Right now the girls and I are still living with my parents, so that is how we are getting by on so little. But before H showed up yesterday I was thinking about telling him that the girls and I were gonna move back home. Even with the septic not being fixed. So we will see. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hang in there and keep taking care of you and the girls. It does get better.

How are things going? Hope you are OK

Hi there
Hope you are OK.
Did you move back into house?

How are you and your children.
Just want to let you know I am thinking of you.
C&S