I busted my husband today with a gal (hard to call her that). I had suspected something odd was going on for quite some time. Sigh - So, yes it is true.
After the anger and yelling, and crying, I went to see the local church and talked with a couple of ladies and asked for prayer.
At this point, of course I want him out of my life, regardless if he is sorry or not. He states that he loves me, but how can you give your love to someone else? I realize that it isn't love - but sex.
Anyway - I'm quite an emotional mess. My daughter (15) doesn't know, and I don't want her to think less of her father than she does now. They have a difficult relationship.
Our relationship has not been good for a while, and I fully expected something like this to happen. I can't wholy blame him, nor can I totaly blame myself.
The one decision I've made today is to not act on anything, since I am so irrational. Besides, being an alcoholic, I will probably get my butt to a meeting.
Thanks for any support/advice.

Vivian

Go to AA right away. Then stay here with us. Read all about Plan A here. You will feel hurt and miserable at first, but it does get better.

We have a very supportive group here and we will help you through this. Just because he had an A does not mean he does not love you. He is in the fog as we call it and may not be rational right now. But you can have a plan and we will stand beside you.

VivB- Sorry to welcome you here. I was welcomed recently and this place is an oasis in a dry desert of infidelity. It's going to get worse before it gets better. First, try and not do anything irrational. Stay away from the demons you may seek to help ease the pain. Second, keep this between you and your man for now. Your daughter isn't a player in this. Luckily I was able to keep this between me and the wife and just 1 each of our parents. If, and when, you guys emerge from this you don't want people to know your past business. Reach for help it good places, this place is a Godsend. You will feel such a range of anger and emotions that will consume your days. People here have great advice and have traveled down a similiar path. You will learn more about what happened with time, rarely, I've seen, does it all come out the first time it's discovered. Take each day one at a time. Again, sorry your here, and good luck. You will need it.

Thanks believer and betrayed! I plan on buying the "Surviving the affair" book this evening. Barnes & Noble is open til 11:00.
At the present moment (it changes slightly) I still want him out of my life. I can not imagine touching him again. Guess these are normal thoughts. I'm more on the realizing life without him. Sounds lonely, but is living like this worth it?
He is very upset, but probably that I caught him. And remorseful. I sense the remorse.
Don't know if he can change though. I have been through 17 years of an unloving, controling marriage. Wish I knew what it the other side like. How do you people forgive, and not have the video tapes run through your head?
(betrayedhusband - I've had thoughts of revenge sex too - but that's the old Vivian thinking - don't want to make it worse than it is).
Thanks for the support - will keep you updated! And I am going to an AA meeting in a few. The truth is, he isn't worth dying over. If I were to drink today - that would be the end of me.
Will search the site for Plan "A". :-)

Vivian

Viv- This will be the hardest thing to deal with in marraige. This rolloercoaster ride will have peaks and vallies. You won't him out, and want him there. Go for the Plan A and NO MORE CONTACT with other woman. It has to start there. Read the book, but buy 2, it takes to to tango, and right this sinking ship. It's still sinking, not sunk yet.

You found the right place. This experience is very hurtful, but it helps. Lots of support. Believer is a Godsend. Listen to her advice.

Thanks everyone. I did some reading on Plan A and Plan B, but at the moment, I could really care less! LOL
I'm tired of giving him his space, etc. This feels like the last straw for many years of misery. (I told him to thank his little friend, because now I know the truth - and it seems to have set me free).
Doesn't sound too good at the moment, as far as re-building a marriage, but I just want God's will for me, and the knowledge to find it out.
This has been so helpful - the writing aspect.

I'll be back later - God bless you all!!

Vivian

Viv
Sorry you are here.

You have already made two very good decisions.

The first
To not make any life changing decisions right now in your present emotional condition.

The other
To stay off the drink and get to AA.

You are in shock now and you will go through a grieving process similar to if someone has died. There is another good book out there called Good Grieving or Good Grief. I can't remember for sure, but my counselor gave it to me and it was a huge help in understanding some of my reactions.

I am glad you were able to confide in some church friends. You need support. This is a great site. People here are supportive and there are some who are very good at giving advice for you to consider.

I was once right where you are and I can feel you pain and your anger. I am lucky in that I am now in recovery and seem to now have a good marriage. But gettin here has not been an easy road and was filled with turmoil and emotions.
It is possible to recover a marriage.

Only you can decide what you want. I just want you to know that it can happen. I was once in exactly the same frame of mind as you are now.

Even if your marrige does not survive this. This site and SAA and counseling will help you to survive this.

For now try and get enough sleep and to eat. I had a lot of trouble with this. If you need to see your doctor and get help. You will need to look after yourself. Yes get the book and read it and here.

Others better with help and advice will be along to help you.

C&S

Thank you for your replies. I went to a meeting, and it felt pretty good. Still have the video tape running through my head though. Guess that will continue for a while. Went to a couple of book stores, looking for the book, but couldn't find it. Did brouse through some good ones though. Divorce to great sex - they have it all.
I'm trying to see past the hell, but it is hard. I continue thinking that I wish him out of my life, but that thinking seems rather self-centered of me, since we have a daughter. I do not think he was really seriously involved with this "person" LOL, and I gather she is married also. He would not confirm that she isn't. I have an idea who she is, and plan to contact her husband. I do not feel that I our marriage is the only one that is suffering.
But, as of this moment, I don't want him around, and anything he says doesn't help. Part of it, I think, is that I have been beaten down for so many years, that this is the icing on the cake.
What love I have tried to have for him hasn't been returned. Right now he is in the other room tring to sleep. Good luck.
I've been alone for so long - why not make it "real". Anyway - I'll be here for a while this evening (still evening here). I can't sleep, nor have I had a bite to eat all day. That's normal for me - I'll eat soon enough.

((((((all)))))))
Vivian

Take care of yourself and don't make any decisions for several months. I tossed my H out the first day I found out. That was before I found this place.

You will get over this and life will be good again. I never thought I would, but folks here kept giving me hope.

Believer,
I did the SAME thing, found out, showed him the door, THAT second. He was on his way to go to work, I did not care. I seem to think that might have been my worst mistake.

I wish this was like a video tape, and I could just FAST FORWARD to see how it ends.

It is so difficult to not say or do the wrong thing. I'm convinced it's just a catch 22. Do something right, do something wrong, it's all out of your hands, and that's the most desperate feeling. No control. But I remember having it the morning I sent him out of here. I took his keys, and packed his stuff MYSELF, would not let him into my house for anything.

This I regret.

Hello again - and hope your day is good!
Woke up this morning, and immediately started sobbing. Eh, that's expected, and have had tears off and on.
H is concerned that I will figure who this person is, and contact her husband. He states that possibly someone could die over this! (Hum, I had thoughts last night of where the bullets were for the 16 ga shotgun that is in our closet - and I was not going to use them on him). I pretty much know who she is, I believe. Know where she lives, and know her husband's name and where he works. I never confronted him, because I knew he would lie about it. Which is rather chicken poop about him, and his deceitful nature.
Went again to meet with a gal at church. We prayed to help me forgive him, and give him to God. I have to remember, God is bigger than this issue in my life, and he really wants marriages to be restored. Time will tell. She also reminded me that vengence is not mine. God will disclose this affair to her husband if it is meant to be. It can not be my business.
Gave my husband a little hug. I cried, and in reality I feel sorry for him. He is a very sick individual. :-) So am I! LOL

Vivian

Is your H still out of the house? Mine has been out since July. That was a big mistake, but I didn't know then what I know now.

You will feel like you have some control when you get onboard with the program here. All you have to do is follow it. When you need help, post here. We will be here.

HI Viv
Not much to say. Just called in to say hi and that I hope you are doing OK.

You don't have to decide any thing right now. You are still in shock and your feelings and emotions will change like the wind. Just try and look after you. Get sleep, eat. Very hard to do, but necessary to stay healthy and alive.

Hang in there
C&S

Thanks for the thoughts everyone. H is still in the house, he didn't leave, even though I wanted him to.
I had shared with another gal that I feel like such a fool to allow him to stay in my daughter and my life. I've been hurt by him before (not at such this magnitude), but hurt regardless. He is verbally abusive. She stated that it would be foolish to not give this marriage a chance. If it doesn't work out, then we would know.
Time will tell if he can change. I told him that I wanted to seek counseling with a licensed marriage/family counselor at church. He sorta balked at the idea, stating that he doesn't want to share our problems with someone else.
I'm going to see the counselor, and continue to invite him to come. I think he expects to be judged, but we are all human, and I really do not expect the counselor to judge him.
The weekend did go well. We did spend good time together. I have made myself open and vunerable to him, in an honest attempt to trust.
I feel confident today, and know that I am not alone. I felt pretty alone Friday - but had the tools to walk through the pain. I'm not pain free, and it will take some time.
I really appreciate all your thoughts, and look forward to sharing more, and even hopefully having something to say that will help any of you!!!
(((((hugs))))))

Vivian

sigh - hate it when I'm not logged in, and type some really good feelings - and then they disappear!!!
Well, it's day 11 after discovery. I have saved my daughter from having to know that her father really is a total uncaring jerk. But, aside from that, the "family" been getting along OK.
I still harbor bad thoughts, and pray pretty much throughout the day that I can attempt to remain positive. I guess that I am projecting into the future, and reliving the past.
What keeps me going is that my H is a Christian man, and I am hopeful that he can realize his errors. I know that we all sin, but what he has done to the covenant is the worst thing I have had to endure. The saying "once a horse thief, always a horse thief" comes to mind. Another issue that has me bothered is that they work for the same organization. He has assured me that he told her it was over, but how do I know? My head tells me that they are waiting for this to all blow over, and continue on. (Wish at times I could shut my head off)
My confidence level also wanes. I assume this is normal. Guess I need to feel respect and love. The things that he was looking for.
I'm calling the marriage counselor today. I do not know if he will attend with me, but I have to discuss my feelings with someone. I'm in fear.

Thanks for reading - and thank God for this board!!

Vivian

Hi Viv
I am so sorry for how you are feeling. Hang in there. You will survive this.
I am pleased about the counselor. I was going to suggest that. A good move. Are you getting enough sleep and are you sleeping OK. See your doctor if not and get help. I didn't and almost ended up in hospital. You do need to look after yourself.
Did you get the book. Read it and everything on this site. There are a lot of other good books that help, but time for those later.

You are actually experiencing a mourning for a loss. The loss of who you thoght husband was and what you thoght your marriage was. It is similar to grieving after a death. You will pass through many of the same stages. Be prepared. It is not easy.

As far as your h and concerns re contact. Ask him to send OW a written No contact letter. You can send it together. The work situation is a real problem and seems to be shared by a lot of MB. Is it possible for H to move jobs?

Has your husband expressed remorse for this? How are you feeling about this? Like I said, look after you for now. Read surviving an affair. Post often. If you are not getting replies post again or just post a bump to send your post back to the top of page. The people here will give you support.

Hang in there. I am off to bed. I am in a diferent time Zone.
C&S