My H left for Iraq Feb 13. He is not in the military- he's working for a government contractor to train and restore the police departments.

Thursday, March 4, I was checking his email b/c he had not emailed or called in 4 days. He KNOWS I have his passwords. There were several emails back and forth between him and OW....a woman I have never met but that he has mentioned in passing as a friend and someone he has been witnessing to (her and her husband). These emails were full of inuendo of a PA and EA between the two of them. I printed them all out and met with my associate pastor 3 hours later. He said "this does not look good" and advised me to keep gathering evidence and not do anything for 30 days but pray.

Then, Friday, March 5, I read another exchange of emails that nailed the case shut. No more inuendo. It was right there in black and white.

I pulled out all the cell phone bills since last May and they talked basically every day, gradually increasing as time went on. I mentioned one time last year that he was going over his minutes, and when I looked at the bill, I said whoever this is you are talking to alot, you need to talk to them on a land line. He said "Yeah, I know. I will." I checked his phone list on his cell phone and saw that (OW's name) was the one whose number matched the one on the bills. RED FLAG #1 I did not follow through on.

He used to always turn his phone off when he was with me. I always thought that was rather odd, and when I asked him about it, he usually said, "You've got your phone on, if someone needs me they will call yours if they don't get me" or "It charges better when it's off." RED FLAG#2 I never caught onto.

He became less affectionate with me, even after repeated discussions and tank filling that I did with him. RED FLAG #3....

He was off work, burning vacation time before he deployed to Iraq for part of December and from Jan 12-Feb 13. There were days I would come home and say "what have you been doing all day?" because it's like he did not lift a finger, or get any honey-do's done around the house. He always had some reason. Now I know he was spending his days with her. One night he left to go out to eat with an old friend and came home at 4:30 am. He said they went to his house and watched a movie. RED FLAG #4.

I've just been so dumb and blind.

I have been crying and praying and shaking all weekend. It's like a cement block in my stomach. Thank goodness the kids were at my mom's visiting. I am really a very strong person, so the fact that I am having a physical reaction to this is really disturbing. H has had a serious sex addiction all his life, and we've been in counseling for it. I just can't believe the deception and cunning he has been doing all behind my back for so long. I really would like the advice of the posters on this board.

Me- 31, saved, spirit filled
Him- 38 saved, not spirit filled, wrestled with God all his life
We have 2 daughters, 8 and 6
Married 11 years.

He will be making the equivalent of $150,000 while he's overseas for 1 year. It's a lot of money for a cop who makes 40K a year. After this year, we will only owe on our house and his Jeep. All else completely debt free.

My main concern at this point is for our kids. I never want them to know their father did this. OK- GET READY because this might shock you....my plan is to "act" like everything is OK this entire year. Just gather evidence. And pray for them.

Reasoning #1- If I confront, how can I do it well? The phone is very awkward and has a 1 second delay, and time difference is really hard to deal with. Also, I can't call him, so I would have to just wait until he calls me, and there's usually a long line of people waiting right beside you to use the phone. I can't see using an email or letter to confront.

Reasoning #2- If I DID confront with him only 3 weeks into this mission, what kind of horrible year is that going to be for us? He may even get really sloppy over there and not be careful, or he could "reconcile" with me and set up another email address and continue with her without my ever knowing.

Reasoning #3-If he is killed over there, this affair dies with him, my kids (and our families)never have to know. Sorry to be blunt, but this is reality.

Reasoning #4- I could continue my life as the widow of a hero and the girls will be spared knowing about the affair, losing their father but he will reamin a hero to them. It will just be the best acting job I have ever done in my life. And I will always harbor that skeleton for my kids' sake.

OK-so my plan for when he returns home safely in a year?? I'm not sure. I think after a year of praying and seeking God and reading about this I may be in a very different place and we will deal with recovery then. I just have to ask God to give me the strength to make it a year with faking it. It was so hard at church this morning to answer politely that H is OK when people asked me about him. And who knows, God could convict him or change his heart or deliver him from his sex addiction for good. I will never doubt the power of our God.

But really- honestly....I don't want him back. I understand from reading affair recovery stuff, that this is a natural reaction and will fade after 3 weeks or so. I grew up in a broken home, and I want SO DESPERATELY for our girls to have an intact home, so I'm just so torn. I understand that adultery is the only "Biblical" reason for divorce.

Here's a little side note- he emailed me a week ago asking for me to email him pictures of me (intimate pictures) because he "needed" them. OK, so I could totally understand since he masturbates 2-4 times a day. So I sent him a few. I'd rather him have MY picture than HERS or use a porno mag. Want to know what I found in his email, also? Where he forwarded 2 of them to his best friend in another state. I know, I know...pick your jaw up.

Please, anyone, weigh in with your perspective here. I think my situation is very different since I've discovered it while he's overseas, and we have such a long way to go. BTW, telling her husband is not really an option, since I highly suspect he was involved, too, in a threesome. And yes, I'm going to doctor Monday to get checked for every STD there is. I may call to get an appointment with Dr. Harley. Has anyone done this?

I really did not ever think I would be in this position,
SavedandShattered

<small>[ March 27, 2004, 10:32 PM: Message edited by: SavedandShattered ]</small>

Yikes! You are right, my jaw did drop. All I can say is stay here and keep posting. Also the Harley's are great for counseling.

We all know how awful you feel, compounded by the fact that he is gone. I think prayer will help. Who knows, OW may be gone in a year.

Anyway just wanted to say welcome to MB. It is a good place to be.

I just swallowed my pride and called my doctor's office for an appointment to get checked for STDs. I asked to talk to my nurse, who was not in today. The receptionist could tell I was shaking and upset and asked if she could help me, and she was a nurse, too, and she could tell something was very private. I asked if my doctor was taking calls at all right now, which she was not. I went ahead and told her I needed to be seen today, and it was an emergency. She gave me a time and said, I know you are having a difficult time right now, but how can I describe what you are coming in for? I need ot know how long the appt will take. I lowered my voice and whispered "I need to get checked for STDs." And then immediately realized that in no way did I want to seem like I put myself in danger...so I blurted- " Over the weekend I found out my husband is having an affair." She said "I'm so sorry." This is HIS doing- NOT mine, ya know! I don't want to walk in there and have anyone thinking otherwise.

Is it normal to physically shake? Should I tell my doctor about this today? I've been on Prozac since the birth of our second daughter 6 years ago (severe PPD). What is making me shake? It's really unnerving.

I wrote out all the evidence in a journal last night and started a diary. If we do recover from this, I would like for he and I to burn it together at a point in our marriage in the recovery that we decide to stop working it out and move on with our new marriage. Is this hokey??

SavedandShattered

Saved,

Believe it or not, I've been almost EXACTLY where you're at. H left for a one year assignment in Bahrain and a month later I found about his A with a women he'd met in England the year before. I kept gathering information and discovered that he'd had other A's in the past and found about a few new OW he had in Bahrain. He was feeling very ambivalent about the marriage prior to the Bahrain assignment, so I didn't confront him about his A's until he returned the next year. I was truly afraid that if I confronted him during that time, he'd never come home. Then when I did confront him, he told me that if I'd told him about the previous A's, he wouldn't have had the next ones.

I've included that so you know you aren't alone. And that it can be saved after all that chaos. H and I are a year into recovery now and things are going well.

BUT, keeping it to yourself for a year while finding out more information will be extremely hard for you to deal with. In my case, the pain was unbelievable. I don't know that I'd make that same decision again. And if you remind him that you have his email password, he's going to change it and you'll have no clue what he's doing. That may be better or worse, I can't say. I made changed my mind a thousand times that year about whether I even wanted the marriage any more. I finally decided that our son deserved a chance at having a whole family, no matter how bad it hurt me. Even while H was killing me with his actions, I remembered that he was a loving father during the times he was home.

I'd recommend phone counseling with the Harleys. I wish I'd known about it during my turmoil. And definitely talk to your Dr about whether your meds need to be changed. I'm kind of paranoid about meds, but in hindsight I wish I'd have gotten them. Sometimes, there is a point where the benefits far outweigh the risks.

Hang in there! I hope that it helps to know there's someone out there who has been in your shoes.

Dobie

I forgot to address a few issues. The shaking is pretty normal. After discovering an A, we tend to get symptoms of PTSD.

And if he's really willing to, you can start over like having a new marriage. But before you do that, you have to address the problems with the old one.

And Reasoning # 4 may make you feel like you're crazy, but I felt the same way.

Oh Dobie,

Thank you SO much for replying. I've read and reread your posts several times now. It DOES feel better knowing I am not alone in this weird situation.

So you DID hide the fact that you knew the whole time he was gone? How did you confront when he returned?

It is a relief to be able to talk to someone else who is going through this. My best friend is awesome, but she can't possibly know what I am really going through. I look forward to talking to you more.

Thank you again for taking the time to reach out and make a connection with me. It does give me hope.

SandS

Saved,

I waited a while after he returned before confronting. I'd just discovered MB and read SAA, which helped greatly. After he'd settled in and I'd evaluated whether I thought both of us were even interested in being married, I got a sitter for the night. We went out to a movie and then I sat him down at home and quietly told him that I knew the truth about his girlfriends. I didn't handle it as well as I wanted to and there were some hysterics and tears, but I did manage to communicate that I was willing to work on rebuilding the marriage if he was. He still hasn't confessed to everything, which gnaws at me sometimes. But I know most of the truth and I can live with that.

My advice is not to think about that day right now. Work on holding yourself together and being a good mom. Whatever path you decide to take, those are the important things that you can do right now.

I want to make it clear that although it worked for me, it may not have been the wisest choice. I highly recommend setting up a phone counseling appointment with MB. The old "learn from my mistakes" advice.

Read Surviving an Affair. I read a lot of other stuff as well, like Torn Asunder, but that one covered the most important stuff and made me feel there was some hope. Wish I'd discovered it much sooner.

I'm here for you.

Dobie

Dobie, and anyone else who is reading,

At the last minute today I got really terrified of going to the Dr. alone. I called my best friend and she went with me. My nurse and doctor were just wonderful. Honestly- it went the best a bad thing can go.

Dr. said it looks like everything is clear but I'm doing the right thing by getting checked.

I had waves of nausea and almost threw up while I was waiting.

Well, that's behind me. I'm ordering SAA tonight. Neither of my bookstores carries it in my city.

Another day crossed off the calendar....

Blessings,
SavedandShattered

Saved,

Yeah, the nausea is pretty common. Got sick several times myself. Also got into a terrible habit of clenching my jaw. I think I was mentally trying to stop myself from screaming. You'll also have imaginary conversations with a lot of people. Your H, the OW, etc. Just wanted you to know it's normal.

You mentioned another day crossed off the calendar. That's the right attitude to have. Take one day at a time. Looking too far forward is overwhelming.

You mentioned that your husband had been "witnessing to" the OW and her H. Did you mean this as a church function? Do they attend your church? If so, your pastor may be willing to have a talk with them. I wouldn't want him to reveal where the info came from, but perhaps he could stress how much damage this is doing to you.

Dobie

I really appreciate your telling me what to expect and that what I'm going through is normal. I have not gotten to the conversation part, but I DO keep saying lines from their emails to one another over and over and over in my head. Is this what I hear "stopping the tapes from playing" means? I've seen that mentioned in other posts on this site.

I can say for sure they do not go to our church. He says he met her/them in the bar he used to bounce for. I do believe him when he says he's witnessed to her, and that even in his good intentions, his sin overcame him. Here's why I think that- there is a line in an email she sent him that says "Hey, something good has come of it. I'm actually praying on a regular basis again. Ironic, isn't it? Hopefully your name coming out of my mouth doesn't doom you. But, so far, lighting has missed me."

I really believe they are unchurched. In other emails she talks about going out drinking, and through my own detective work, I have found out stuff about her husband that leads me to believe he is DEFINITELY not saved. Remember, he met her/them in a bar-

There's been no email contact since Saturday, so I am really on pins and needles as to what the next ones will reveal. So far, each one adds in like a piece of the puzzle and the picture is getting more clear.

I would like to know more about how you handled keeping it to yourself for a year when everyone is so "worried" about him being overseas and is expecting you to just be pining away for him. Did you come up with some standard replies that you would go to?

Still,
SavedandShattered

Ugh. People mean well with their questions, but they are hard to answer. I generally misdirected with the truth. "I just talked to him and he's safe and in good health." "We really miss him." "It's hard for me to have him gone right now and don't really want to talk about it." If you ask people about themselves, you can generally get the conversation to turn that way. It has the added bonus of making you a good listener.

This is against MB principals. The MB answer is to expose the A in order to make it harder for the WS and OP to continue it. That may be the wiser choice. It's just so hard to do when contact is limited and you're not with him. Again, I highly encourage you to make a phone consultation with the Harleys to get their take on it. I'm only telling you how I handled it, not telling you that it was the right way. The Harleys are the experts and things may have been better for me if I'd sought their advice. I know it would be a wise investment in your own sanity.

In my case, H is in the military and exposing him could have led to actions that led to serious financial hardships for our family. You don't have that concern, at least.

Gotta warn you, that first phone conversation with him will be pretty hard to handle. If you have caller ID and/or an answering machine, you may want to avoid talking to him until you feel able. Or just let the kids do most of the talking. That's one of those lovely things that is really going to hurt you if you decide to wait it out like I did. You truly become a part of his lies.

You do have one small consolation. At least right now you know that he's not physically with OW.

Be careful about checking his email too often. You should try to at least take a break for as long as you can take it. Reading that stuff is just going to spin up your turmoil every time and you don't need any more of that right now.

You've probably read about taking care of yourself on other posts. Do it! Exercise, eat right, get meds changed if needed, and try to find things to do with the kids that you enjoy. Don't let this destroy your health or your sanity.

Dobie

Well Dobie-

Here's an update...

One email from her to him that was sent earlier this week- pretty bland stuff except for a mention of an order coming in from Victoria's Secret. There's another from her in the inbox, but I can't read it yet b/c it's still in as unread and if I open it, it changes color. So I have to wait until he reads it and then I can read it in the deleted.

I talked to my assoc. pastor at length on the phone this week. I read him my 13 point plan and about this website. He thinks that if the A was truly a PA, it would not be able to last during this year of separation. If it was an EA +PA, the EA may survive between them in email and phone calls. Nevertheless, we are agreeing together that he will get one serious "wake up call" in this war zone and come clean with me when he comes home. If after a few days of being home, it's apparent that he is not going to reveal the A, then I will confront.

So that's my plan for now. I'll update with any earth shattering updates or pop in if I need a "recharge" from you wonderful and giving ladies.

Blessings,
S&S

S&S,

It's great to hear that you have a plan and that your pastor is being supportive of it. Your posts are already looking a bit more positive. Having a plan does help a lot emotionally.

Dobie

Hi....10 days since my last post.....

I'm in auto pilot now. I have stopped crying and shaking. STD tests were all negative. I check his email every day and print all the emails they exchange and tuck them in my "evidence" file.

Bad news is he got a cell phone, so the last few emails were them trying to arrange a time when he can call her (working out the time difference). If he calls her, then I won't have complete access to all of their communication. I hate that.

I am Plan A'ing as best I can from half a world away. I sent him a long sappy email yesterday about my love, our love, yadayada and how much I appreciate knowing he is being faithful to me over there. I even signed it "For ever and always, your faithful and adoring wife". I felt a bit sinister as I was typing words and phrases, hoping that when he read them they would twist in his heart like a knife and he would be convicted of his A. We'll see.

Day by day......

SavedandShattered

Saved,

Thanks for the update. Was just thinking about you yesterday and wondering how you're doing.

Dobie

SavedandShattered,

My husband is over there also, doing the same job your husband is doing. He has been over there since October and was just home for a two week visit. I took him to the airport yesterday and received an email from him this afternoon that he had arrived in Kuwait. He is waiting now to catch a military flight into Iraq, probably on Saturday. From Baghdad he then goes to where he has been assigned. I wonder if they are in the same place? Do you know what base he is on or what city he is in? Funny thing is that while my husband was home for his two weeks, someone took his cell phone and left a receipt for it. He doesn't know if he will be getting it back or not. Have you received any phone calls from him? I know they are 8 hours ahead of where I am at.

I know how much you are hurting. I have been exactly where you are at. I still occasionally check his emails.

My email address is in my profile if you wanted to write to me. You are being very strong. Keep praying. It helps.

So, here's an update....

Due to the unique situation, I am Plan Aing from half a world away. I am sending lots and lots of loving emails and not LBing at all in emails, chats, or phone calls. He has continued to hound the OW for naked pictures, email after email asking her to send some. Of course, he asks me, too.

I got really mad this week and decided that SHE does not have any idea JUST WHO she is up against. I've been with him 12 years and I know him better than she EVER will. I was seriously pissed off. She is OUT of her league!

So she sent him 2 pictures. One of just her breasts (she's had a boob job and my hubby is SO into that) and then one that her husband took of her while she was giving him a BJ, so she's staring at the camera with it in her mouth, and the subject line was "Wish you were here."

Soooooo......I sent him 23 pictures. That's right- 23! It took me over an hour to take them and send them all one at a time (large picture files). I blew her out of the water. He called and said he was amazed and that it meant so much to him and thank you. He did not send her any response about the two (measley) pictures she sent him. THEN.......the next day she sent him this really cold email that basically said "What?! No thanks? No comments?! I knew I should not have sent them. You don't even care. I hope you are OK." and then signed it with just the first letter of her name. All the other emails she signs all schmoopy and lovey with I love you and all that.

I was on cloud 9. She looked all whiny and I was mopping the floor with her. I understand that Plan A is all about making the WS see the good in the marriage and to give them reasons not to stray. He can't physically stray right now, so I have to do what I can to keep the EA to a minimum.

Anyone have any other good ideas on Plan Aing to overseas??

BUT.....the high does not last long. I discovered somehting new this week. In some emails he began sending to another old friend of his (male) it is apparent that he had a 3some with him and his wife. This makes 2 couples he's been involved with. 1- the OW and her H and now 2- the old friend and his W. I do not see any evidence of any kind of attachment with this second couple. I just feel so stupid. Before he left, he stayed out one night until 4 am. He said they started watching movies, and he wanted to spend some time with this friend before he left. I told him he should have called to let me know he was going to be out all night. He said he did not want to wake me up. He was probably having an orgy with them. He is planning his deception so strategically, it makes me sick. The friend said "I see you pop in on AIM, so we can chat when you do." And WS wrote back that he has to be careful and that if it is really him, he will use a code word (and says the word) so the friend will know it is really him. This sounds very much like him, because this same friend would IM our AOL account before WS left, and it would be me and he would have to say OK- I was looking for (WS)."

I feel like the Puppetmaster.....WS has NO IDEA that I am seeing everything and documenting it all.

SavedandShattered

I am so sorry for what you are living but I clearly understand you. I had to face my WW affair while she was overseas for a year too. That was the first affair, since then a rollercoaster. 4 affairs more came to the play. This time were mine. Let's start by the fact that living separated is horrible. It puts a lot of pressure in the relationship and obviously it makes it harder to meet the other person's needs. The combination of these two added to the fact that both of you are living separate lives, make both highly vulnerable to get engaged in affairs.
When my W left overseas to study, we had a really hard time. Our marriage was a little shaky and we couldn't agree on a way to comunicate that would work for both. Fights, fights, fights, and fights over this. She came back three months later to visit for two weeks. Wonderfull time. Two weeks after she left the nightmare bagan. She met the AHole. Since then it passed 4 weeks for me to discover. Her attitudes changed towards me and I decided to break into her email hoping to find answers. I found them. I really wish I would have breaking into it before so I could have stopped it. When I found out, she already had slept with this AHole. I called her and confronted her, she denied everything. I told her not to be a liar, the evidence was clear in the email. She told me that I was so f.up for breaking into her email, blah,blah,blah,blah. But I asked her, who was worse in this case?, me for breaking into her email, or her for having an affair. I asked her to stop it and she did stop it. That was the only thing I got when I confronted her. And that is what I suggest you to do. Confront him and stop him. If you don't do it, he will continue abusing you and you will be hurt even more. If he does not stop it, you have one advantage; he is overseas. If he doesn't want to accept his mistake and he wants to continue with it, you won't have his presence biasing your thoughts. I don't want to diminish your feelings, it is horrible. But in my case when I made her realize her mistake and the distance could separate us, she decided to end it, on her own will.
Distance both helped us and not. I could process my pain without her around. However, I got engaged in 4 affairs (hyper shameful and stupid reaction). The difference between my affairs and her was that I stopped her, but she did not stopped me; that is why I could engage in 4 after. I really suggest you to confront him. If he doesn't want to stop the affair, then you have space to work on yourself and once the pain and strong feelings are gone, you will have a clearer mind to make the correct decissions. In addition, if you confront him and you accomplish what I did, you still have a chance to work on yourself so when he comes back, you will be able to confront the whole affair with some pain already processed. They do and I did it because we know we have our partners there. Once we decide to stop contact, they and I feel threatened because we feel we lost our partners.
Go ahead, confront it, work on yourself to process the pain and make the correct decissions. My W and I are in recovery now and it's been going well. Distance helped us to stay together because some of the pain was already gone when we confonted each other face to face and our mistakes. Use the distance to your advantage.

<small>[ March 31, 2004, 05:37 PM: Message edited by: janei ]</small>

Saved,

Just checked the news and worried about how you're doing. Any word?

Dobie

H is OK. Everytime there's breaking news about contractors being attacked, I pretty much stop what I am dong until details come out.

It is just so very dangerous over there.

She emailed him and said she will do everything in her power to be available when he comes home for a visit this summer. The weekend he is supposed to be home is her anniversary, adn she even said her husband says it's OK and they will celebrate their anniversary the next week. How sick is that? So my job is to be with him 24/7 while he is here. I will not allow him to be out of my sight. I bought the phone tap recorder device from Radio Shack yesterday and will have it set up by the time he comes home. He won't have a cell phone while he's home, so that will be my only way of keeping track of any calls he makes to her. I'm also installing spyware on his laptop when he comes home. I found a version that will email me the spy reports without his ever knowing.

I'm just so sad. The shock is over, and I feel like I am thinking pretty clearly most all the time. It's just this overwhelming sadness that is really getting to me. I'm already on AD, so that's covered.

To Janei, confronting is not an option for me. He is in a war zone, and it is for his own safety that I am keeping this to myself. He is consumed with simply staying alive right now- there is NO WAY he has the mental and emotional capacity to deal with this. I really appreciate your post and sharing with me your situation. Were you able to continue to monitor her email to ensure the affair had ended? How were you sure she didn't just set up a new email that you did not know about?

Hanging in there,
SavedandShattered