Update from ME!!!!
First, I would love to have specific recommendations for how to say "I know about your affair" from anyone who has confronted their spouse. I will have to have this conversation next March when he gets back from Iraq. I want to start planning now. I have to get some of this "mentally behind" me.
OK--- so, it's been a long time since I posted. I gathered lots of info and support from this board and kind of went into strategic offensive manuevers. I check into his email several times a day to print out correspondence between him and OW. He came home 3 weeks ago for his only visit home, and I was READY.
1. Tape recorder device on the phone, hidden from sight.
2. Voice activated tape recorder I put under the car seat on days that I would not be able to be home.
3. I installed spyware on his laptop while he was home to be able to better track his A.
4. Threw a party for his homecoming and insisted he invite his friends.....that meant the OW and her H. THEY CAME! Do you believe it?
I have 4 cassette tapes of his conversations with OW and one of them they discuss how they can get some time alone. Like- she says why don't I call you from down the street and say we are lost and you have to come get us? And at one point he said- yeah, I can say- I heard a noise, D***a, can you come out here and see what it is? They were laughing, but I was SOOOOO ready for this little play. He had NO clue I was SOOO on to him. I picked up the phone everytime it rang for the hour before the party. She called twice- once to find out what interstate to take (WH said "oh great- they are already lost"- puh-lease----he was just setting the stage for later when she calls to say they are lost) and then she called again and asked for him and I was **more** than happy to help her since he was outside at the grill <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) "Oh- you are just **right** down the street, dear! Just take a left and you'll be on your way! See ya!! *CLICK* "
His conversations with her turn my stomach. A D lawyer would drool over the proof I have on tape. One thing I learned is that he's an even bigger liar than I ever thought. Example--I have wanted a nice black leather coat for a long time. He gave me one last fall and said he found it in the parking lot at Wal-Mart. That it must have fallen out of someone's car. So it's my EXACT size and it's perfect. Not a thing wrong with it. Nothing in the pockets- did not smell like anyone else. So I thought the story was a little strange, but I said "Well, God knew I wanted a coat like this, so he just dropped one out of the sky!" I remember him saying "You shouldn't be tellilng people that. Someone had to lose this coat, and that's not like God to take it out of someone's hands to then give you a miracle coat from the sky." Again, it's all too clear now. Something seemed wrong about the whole situation. So I'm listening to the tapes and he's saying how careful they have to be and how it's freaking him out and how I keep insisting on meeting his friends and how he's started thinking really weird things. She says like what. He says - like, you show up here in your black leather coat and my wife says- that's funny- I have that exact same coat. She says- it's June- why would I wear that coat? He said- I know, I know. My head is really thinking weird stuff.
Stop the presses.
So what's the deal with this coat??!! Why do we have the same one? Why is it no money came out of the checking account to pay for 1 coat- let alone 2? What's the connection, and why did he have to fabricate some **** -a-mamie Wal-Mart parking lot story??!!
Another thing is she asked "so how does she think we met?" and he said "I told her I met you and (husband) at (name of bar) while I was bouncing there. She said OK- got it. So where did he REALLY meet her?? All this is just too much. The lies, the lies, the lies.
Do I want to be married to a liar?
We did have an OK family vacation while he was here, but it was very difficult to keep up the ruse. At one point I thought- I am not going to say I love you and just see what happens. So for 5 days, he did not say it and I did not say it. Then one night, late in bed, he said it and I said "I know." Then one other time on the phone before he left he said it and I had to say it back. I have not said it since. I just want to see if he notices. Like today we were on IM chatting and he said he misses us and loves us. I said "Know you are loved and we miss you."
So what I am wanting to ready myself for now is the split and or reconciliation. I want to know more about the MB's way of confronting. I have no idea if I am going to stay in this marriage at this point. My pastor says this is his one flaw- that other than this he's a good provider and father. His sex addiction has led him down a path of sin, and that I should give him a chance to work out this thorn in his flesh. Right now I'm struggling with
A- all things are possible with God and He can restore this marriage
B- He has sinned and is a liar and an adulterer and his sin will find him out. Losing his family is the natural consequence to sinful behavior.
Does anyone have any insight into this dilemma?
Thanks to anyone who read all this and thanks for letting me vent and share with people who are dealing with the same problems,
Saved and Shattered
