I have been married for 23 years, we have 2 children, 21 and 17. I thought we had the perfert marriage.. boy was I ever wrong. About a month ago I found that my husband had a secret e-mail account and was e-mailing a female co-worker, very suggestive, flirting words. So I confronted him.. of course he denied anything was going on. Over the Last month we have had some very intense long talks about our marriage and relationship.. along with reading books about realationships. Well it all started slowing comming out that he has been unfathful to me during our marriage.

Affair #1 happened 8 years into our marriage - he had oral sex with a "friend" of mine.

Affair #2 sometime around 15 years into our marriage- he had a one time fling with an "old girlfrind"

Affair #3 around 4 years ago had a threesome with my brother and his girlfriend.

Affair #4 2 years ago- his high school sweetheart started working at the same company he was working at.. engaged in oral sex and then the next day slept with her. After that he told her he could not do anything more that he loved his wife.

He has been to strip clubs twice and had a lap dances each time.

He swears that nothing has happened with the co-worker he was e-mailing. Just some flirting and she did kiss him, but he turned away. States that he has been cooling things down. Told her he could not have anymore contact with her - that he loved his wife.

Ok, now the questions?

He claimes that he loves me and will do anything to make our marriage work. That he is ashamed and sad about all of the hurt he has caused me. And what is a stake, that it is just not worth it. He says that he does not want to have another affair, that he only wants me.

What do you all think!! I am just not sure I will be able to forgive all of this. I feel like he had all this fun when we were young and now that we are getting older he wants to settle down. He wants someone to grow old with. He claims it is because he loves me and wants only me. I don't see it that way. Kinda like I'm all used up now, so I guess I stay with you.

I feel like such a fool- so ashamed and used. I have never even kissed another man during our marriage. I have never given him any reason to be jealous. I have loved, honnerd and cheerished our marriage.

He has disrespected me, lied to me and put my health in danger.

I told him that our marriage has been a total lie. He says he wants to make it up to me and make the rest of our lives together something wonderful.

So, do you think I could ever forgive him? Right now I am just so numb and mad as hell. I think of divorce and that scares me to death.. but I just don't know if I can continue this marriage

Dear Fnm,

Welcome to MB. I am sorry for the painful news. Feelings of loss for our time, respect and love hurt, they hurt a lot.

With that said, please read the concepts section above. Believe it or not you and your H are in a much better position to head to recovery than most that start here.

Here are a few suggestions:

1. Read the concepts section above
2. Both of you take the Emotional Needs Questionnaire

3. Get to a good MC. One that follows MB principals w/b good.

4. See if both of you or just you can get a phone counseling session or 2 with Steve or Jennifer here at MB. It is a bit pricey but worth the $$. We met with Steve and he was good. My WS' head was up the other end at the time and he was sooo rude/ugly but he still talked with Steve. WS is now an H again and though he didn't think much of Steve then, I heard parts of their conversation and it was positve.

5. Please also read some other books: Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs both by Dr W. Harley. Good stuff.

6. Know that any journey to recovery be it personal or personal/marital requires effort.

7. You will be going through some stages of frustration/sadness/anger, etc. There are 5 basic stages of grieving a person goes through when tragedy hits our life. An A is a tragedy.

8. Can you survive? Can your family survive? Can you both survive as a couple? Can he ever earn your respect back? Those questions and more are up to you. Learn to use the tools mentioned above, keep posting here, keep an open mind, read other's threads and you may be surprised at the results. NO guarantees....we are not professionals on this board just the one's that have lived through this war.

take care,
L.

Hi FnM,

I'm sorry for all you are going through, and will go through.

I agree with Orchid, she gave you lots of homework. This will not be easy, but you both really need to do the WORK before throwing in the towel. They say wait at least 6 mo's after dday before making any decisions. That way you've had time to assess everything.

After reading many books, and dozens of Marriage Counceling sessions, you will have a better idea of what can be done. I'd INSIST that he get therapy independently of the marriage counceling, since he's agreed to do 'whatever it takes'.

Please try to take good care of yourself right now. Eat and drink water even if you dont want to. Get out and see family and friends. You have so much to do, you must keep your strength up. (I got totally run down and ended up with pneumonia!) Please take care - Dru

Thank you for your caring words, Orchard and Durcilla,I really needed them. I have been reading the other posts and the web site, so much information my head is going to explode. lol, I am feeling a little calmer now, but don't expect that to last long. The tears just seem to sneak up on me.

Yeah, that's the 'Recovery Rollercoaster'... good days, bad days, good, bad... (early on it's more like good minutes, bad minutes...) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hang in there and take care - Dru