Well, as the subject line says - yesterday my husband finally admitted to the intercourse with the OW that he has been denying for so long. And to top that, he told me they NEVER used protection.

I am physically sick - lost 3 pounds yesterday alone. Water weight from crying and vomiting I am sure.

I asked him how could he do this to me and risk my life and health???? He said the first time wasn't "planned" and that's why they didn't use protection. He also said that we weren't having sex when they were having sex and I said yes we were. Selective memory - you gotta love it.

I will post more later. I have to go. I am just so physically sick and mentally exhausted. This man is a police officer (so is OW) and knows the risks all too well of unprotected sex. He knows she sleeps around and he does it without a condom??????? That makes me having slept with all of the men she has - married and single. Oh my God.

Will post more later. And I am finding out about my breast problem results today, too. It never freakin' ends, does it????

(((((HUGS))))

all I can do is that! I cannot say anymore. Each time I read one of these messages... My heart start to sink in. I am sorry for your pain. Take care of yourself.

I am so sorry for how you must ne feeling. Sounds like you have been here a while so I am guessing you are familiar with the site and SAA and marriage builder approach.

You will get support her and help to recover from this devestating experience. You are in shock and your reaction is totally normal.

I think a lot of spouses seem to not use protection. You hear it again and again. Mine didn't either. Wasn't that great to find out I had been exposed over many years all the time thinking I was in a monogamous relationship.

See your doctor and get tested. And insist that you H does as well. I did, Not one of my favourite experiences, but necessary all the same.

Sounds like this is confirmation Of what you had already suspected. At least you now know the truth and at least your H is finally being truthful with you. Hard and as shocking as the information is, this is actually a step in the right direction. Opening up with the true details will help. You now know what you are dealing with and you also no longer have to wonder.

Try if you can (and I know it is so hard when the details are so shocking and hurtful to you) to make it safe for him to be truthful. If you want him to be able to tell you what is in his heart, you need to be able to hear it. I'm not saying let him walk all over you, just to not lovebust. (Wish I could do this, it is very hard to do).

Are you OK? Do you have a breast lump? I am so very sorry for you. Is he being supportive. What a lot to go through all at once.

Lots and lots of hugs to you
C&S

What is wrong with these idiots? Mine did the same thing. I had no chance to protect myself because I didn't know he was having an affair.

Then when I found out, WH said he used protection. Well I found out from OW's husband that they did not use protection - that was real fun.

Will be thinking about you today. I hope all comes out well with your results. While you're at it, get tested for STDs. Then you can be at peace.

"NO PROTECTION"

The majority of infidels don't use protection.

You H is not an exception, he's typical.

Have everything tested.

Pep

Couldn't ask for more
I too suffered under the same terrible humiliating knowledge that WW didn't use protection. It is a disgusting, horrible vision on top of the medical threat to you. On top of that my WW joked about not taking her pill anymore since she and I wouldn't be having sex again for a while. Not funny.

I implore you to go get tested. It took real courage for me to get in the door and tell why I needed to be tested without having any symptoms. The medical staff were VERY understanding though and knowing I'm clean is priceless peace of mind.

Think about you and your needs. What will make you feel safe? How can you protect yourself or do things that are in your best interests.
RTRC

<small>[ March 09, 2004, 09:49 AM: Message edited by: Ridingtherollercoaster ]</small>

I understand and share in both your fear and in your disgust. What is it with these WS anyway?

My WW did not use protection either. She claims that the first time she was so scared and overwhelmed that she didn't think about it. OM also told her that he was "clean" and didn't have anything she could catch. (because he's SO Honest & Trustworthy). After that 1st time, she says she rationalized it to herself that since he was married too, that he would be safe and not have anything (STD's). (very weak and very lame)

Then to her Shock & Amazement, she finds out that her lover is also cheating on her with a friend and co-worker, who also just happens to work in the same lab. Except this girl is younger, single and goes out a lot. Yea, just what I wanted to hear! (sarcastic)


The sad part is my WW is supposably a Health Care Professional!! (multiple degrees and registries) ! (??) To make matters worse, ALL the sex (100%) took place right IN the hospital. I mean come on, the moment you walk into this place you are hit with posters, pamplets, ect., giving the same message: SAFE and Protected sex...always, everytime.

What makes me the angriest is that for about 5 years we used condoms as our form of birth control. (she has bad reactions to the pill) So its OK for me to use them but not this [censored]! I mean, I would have started using them again if I only KNEW that I wasn't in a monagomous relationship.

Yes, I was tested. And everything was Negative. Unfortunately, some of the things out there today don't always show up immediatly. (scary...real scary). It pisses me off that both of us grew up in the early 80's and the whole "safe sex vs AIDS" era. And I really took that very real message & threat to heart. In addition to my commitment to her, the whole idea of putting my unsuspecting spouse and children at risk for disease &/or death for a few moments of pleasure really did help to keep my Male urges under wraps.

So what the Heck's her problem?... Addiction? Fog? Excitement?
PLEASE!! You can still be safe, even if you feel you Must have your "Fun"!

<small>[ March 09, 2004, 10:38 AM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

Thanks to everyone who has replied. I had a complete STD screening and bloodwork on 02-17-2004. Everything came back negative, except for a small yeast-type infection that I've never had before. I've never even had a yeast infection in my life. My husband's sexual escapades are suspect. I was already given the antibiotic cream on 02-17-2004.

I have the results in writing as of yesterday when I went back to my gynecologist for the results of my breast ultrasound. I have been referred to a breast surgeon in my area because of a mass that cannot be ruled out as not being malignant. I am so upset and I am so crushed. I feel I am being punished for not being a "perfect" wife and my husband's infidelity.

Before Sunday, the day he finally admitted to sexual intercourse with his whore, he kept telling me if I had any STDs if was from me getting them on my own, not him giving him to me.
He kept having sex with me knowing he was having unprotected sex with the department whore, risking my life and his. My sexual health is so important to me - that's why I never slept around in my life. He knows how much I want babies and he still did this to me. How could he?

I have been sick to my stomach since he told me. This is such a highly educated man and he throws everything away from a used piece of [censored]!! He has told me he doesn't want the same thing I want anymore (marriage to continue, babies, etc.) and he wants me to move on with my life. WTF??? I am at the end of my rope emotionally and physically. I cannot stop losing weight, not that it's a bad thing, but I step on the scale to see 2-3 pounds gone without even trying.

We had our taxes prepared on Saturday and he was very distant. I was also throwing in digs like "Don't you have any work related hotel and restaurant expenses to claim?", "You bought a lot of new underwear this year." and "Why don't you claim that bachelor party as a work related expense?". He didn't say anything to me at the time but later the next day he said he got my little jabs. Good.

I am also so pissed because he changed his withholding status to married-1 when I claim single-0. Last year we got something like $8,000 back. This year we are only getting like $4,000 back because of his filing status change. I was so pissed because I think he did that on purpose. Sincce he kicked me out of our home, I really need the money and we were supposed to split the refund 50/50. I got $3,000 from the return last year and paid off a couple of credit cards. I wanted to do the same thing this year because it is bothering me I have some ccredit card debt and living in this expensive apartment.

I begged him to please let me come home. I asked him "What if I am sick?" (meaning what if my breast mass is cancerous). He told me would I want him to stay just because of that? I told him at this point I will take anything I can get.

I am so desperate at this point. I stayed home from work today with the worst migraine headache I've ever had with a ton of nausea.

I asked him if he would take me to any appointments where I need to have any surgical procedures (which looks like the case since the docctors are recommending biopsies) and he said he would, although I know he reluctantly agreed.

What should I do? I love him with everything I have, I hate him for risking my health, I love him for the man he always was and I hate him for the man be is becoming.

Please send advice!!!

By the way, I begged him (again) to please go get tested for all STDs and bloodwork. He asked why? Why?? Because I told him he could be a carrier of STDs and just because he didn't give me anything major, doesn't mean he is not infected. Damn!!!

Also, I was so pissed because last year we got $900 back from our state tax refund and this year we owed $171 because of his filing status change. So, as we were sitting with the tax prepared, I write him 2 checks one for half of the tax prep fee and the other one for half of the state tax owed. I know I had nothing to do with the state tax owed, but I figured I better have somthing in writing (cancelled checks) to show I am trying to pull my weight financially. I just dont know. He said he would pay for the tax prep fee but I insisted to pay half. Whatever.

Anyway, I told him I have the written reports of my STD testing and I would give him copies. I also told him I want written copies of his reports when he gets them.

I know in my heart he will not go for testing. I will never have sex with him again if he doesn't.

Thanks for letting me vent.

I have more to write about but I will start another thread.

Sorry you have to go through more of this stuff. I will pray that the breast problem in benign. It is an awful lot to go through by yourself.

I don't know what is wrong with these WS's, their brains seem to just blow out.

Thanks, Believer.

I told him after he told me about the sexual intercourse that I was finally relieved to hear it from his own mouth. I told him that I had more respect for him that he told me. He didn't tell me voluntarily, mind you, I begged him to tell me the truth.

I told him maybe he would feel safer telling me more truths in the future. Probably not because I kept getting up off of the sofa and running down the hall to the bathroom to vomit. I was also getting very dizzy and thought I was going to faint. Nice, huh?

Where did my beautiful, kind, loving, honest and faithful husband go? If someone finds him, please tell him to come back to me.

Sorry to vent again but I am on a roll.....

My husband told me he is very concerned for my health and well being when we were discussing my breast mass situation. I guess he cares more about my boobs than my pootie since he had unprotected sex. Nice, huh?

Also, since the OW is pregnant and we cannot rule out at this point that my husband is the sperm donor, I asked him what is he going to do if the baby is his? He said he would do the right thing. I asked him if that meant marrying the OW. He said no, but he would financially support it. I asked would you want contact? He said absolutely. I sat there for a minute to digest this information.

I then asked him about doing the right thing. I said you are willing to "do the right" thing with an illegitimate baby but not your wife and marriage? He said yes.

Ugh! Am I fighting a losing battle?? D-day was 10-23-2003. Hasn't his fog and seemingly reckless attitude to me going on a bit too long???? Why am I fighting for our marriage?

I could not ask for more -
I don't post much anymore but after reading your story I Had to let you know that I am so sorry for all the pain you are in. Infidelity is enough to crush most of us, but you have the added burden of a health scare on top of it. I to went through a breast scare about 2 monthes after D-day in Oct, 2003. Fortunately the biposy was negative. In some warped way I wanted it to be positive so I could just die and escape this terrible nightmare. You need to hang in there and concentrate on yourself. I know that this seems impossible but only you can control you world at this point. Be strong and lean on family and friends and everyone here. You will survive all of this and be all the stronger for it. You are in my prayers.

Me - BS (40)
WH - 41
2 Month EA June - Aug 2003
Lied about 1 night PA until Nov 2003
Hanging in there

Couldn't ask for more.
Reading more about your story, I must write you again. Please call your very best friend. Ask for them to come over, to hold you, comfort whatever. I think at this point you should not be alone. You really need to think about how best to take care of yourself. Are you getting counseling or anti-D's?

YOU CAN MAKE IT!!!! It is natural to question why to keep fitting for the M, but you need to worry about you right now.

I too will be praying for God's comfort on you, and for your health concerns.

Well the good news is that you do not have a STD.

I am not familiar with your situation, are you and husband together? working towards reconciliation? Is OW still a problem?

I guess if your H refuses to be tested you would be taking a risk if you were to have sex with him. Is his refusal based on that he doesn't want to or that he doesn't think it likely that he would be having sex with you?

Losing wieght is a real problem. I lost heaps early after my Dday. I too had the difficulty with eating and tummy upsets. You need to really work hard to eat even when you have to force yourself to.

I am sorry that you need further tests re breast scare. Lets hope that these turn out ok. You need to eat well to maintain your best health particularly if you have this halth issue.

I agree that you need a friend to hold you right now. Do you have any activity that you find relaxes you? Mybe you need to do that. If there is a breast problem stress is not good. Work to find a way to destress, eg meditation, exercise, a long walk, picturing something that makes you feel calm and serene.

I know how you feel about being exposed to unsafe sex when you thought you were safe. It was such a blow to me and I could not believe that my H had put me at this risk. Seems more common than not though. At least you managed to not catch anything.

Hang in there
C&S

Believer - Thank you for the prayers. I really need all I can get right now! Obviously, mine are not being answered. :-)

BummedOut - I know what you mean about wanting it to be positive. I've had that sick thought run through my mind over the last week or so. I was thinking that if I do have breast cancer maybe he will come back to be beside me. Then I think he never would anyway. Then I think that if I have it, I will not do any treatments and just let the cancer eat me alive because I have nothing to keep me going anymore. Then I think I will show my husband that I can beat anything I want - even cancer, even him not wanting me. I am so glad your results were okay. That gives me so much hope.

RTRC - Thank you for replying. My best friend cannot be trusted at this point. I found out last week that she was telling my husband the things I confided in her about our situation - such as phone records and me making an appointment with an attorney. I am on Zoloft since last August. My family doctor just increased my milligrams to 100 from 50 because of all of the worries of the breast mass. I just started the higher dose so it will take a couple of weeks or so to kick in.

C&S - No, my husband and I are not in the same home right now. He kicked me out and I moved into this overpriced apartment on 11-08-2003. The thing about my best friend is that number one, she works with my husband and he is her supervisor and number two, she has been seeing a married man herself for the last 4 years. That bothers me more than ever because I do not feel that I can totally speak my mind without hurting feelings about what she has been engaging in right now. The thing I find that relaxes me is shopping (eek!) but I really don't have the money for anything extra right now.

I really appreciate all of your replies!!

Hello Icould

I was just reading and very interested in your post and worried about you.. I noticed you havent posted an update on your health condition.. I pray everything is ok with you physically. Also, I am so hopeful that things are improving at home and that your husband has come to his senses and is starting to realize he's in the fog and his affair is nothing but an addiction. Icould, you know that almost all affairs die..when one or the other involved come to their senses, when the rush of infatuation begins to wane, when they realize the hell they are putting others through.. usually things start to change..and soon after that happens, the feelings diminish as they begin to come out of the cloud of denial.. and break through the fog..

I pray you are doing better and keeping it together.. I hope you continue to read and post here.. Take care and please update us on how you are..

Hugs
Lmh