I just found out about my husbands affair one week ago. For a long time we had no intimacy in the relationship. Both our faults. I had a hysterectomy about 3 years ago and it took it all out of me. We always talked about making love, but it just never happened. We sort of "fell out of love" with each other and we were going on living our lives as roomates.

After the first of the year my husband decided he would find it elsewhere...we were so distant I never saw it coming. Although he always said to me "I would never cheat on you, i would divorce you first, it is not worth the pain and suffering"...He came forward and told me about it...I know the guilt was getting to him. They were seeing each other for 6 weeks with "great sex". he is a Doctor she is a nurse.

I was devasted. He came home the next day and was so apologetic...we held each other for hours and talked. We did this for 2 days. On Friday we saw the marriage counselor for the first time. she was very good and said she had hopes we could work this out. she told him to end it with the girl. he said he was gong to call her and end it...about an hour later he called me and said he couldn't do it. he was keeping her. I was so desperate, at which point I got mad. Saturday he was supposed to wathc the kids so I could go out. He didn't he dropped them off at the house and left. I followed him but ran out of gas. He was going to see her.

Sunday he came by the house and I was absolutely hysterical. We spent some nice time together. He said he is willing to try to rekindle the relationship. We have been married for 12 years and have 3 boys. 8,5 and 3. After talking extensivley he said that he just does not feel the love for me but he will try to get it back. he said he doesn't know if he ever did. I think he is just thinking about the past few years.

He is a good man and I know he loves me deep down. he has always taken care of me. right now I am so confused. I dont know how to feel, what to do, do I trust him. he called it off with this girl, so he says, last night. But he called her after leaving the house last night. He said she called him and he hung up the phone. She also called him this morning. I have told him that if I check his phone will I see her number.

Can we get thru this? Can he live with the fact taht it is going to take me so long to trust again. I can forgive him, if he can forgive himself. I know I can be a good lover to him. If he would just give me the chance. Does anyone get thru this happily. Please help me. Thanks

<small>[ March 10, 2004, 03:49 PM: Message edited by: momto3boys ]</small>

mom

Sorry you are here and in pain.

Yes you can get through it. It will not be painless. It will take time.

Read as much as you can on affairs and how to deal with them. Books, websites and so on.
It will help you understand what you are dealing with.

Mom- Sorry you are here, but you are not alone. I have learned these affairs happen for a reason, and it my case, I share the blame as to why. Right now your husband still has "feelings" for the OW, it may not be over, and he maybe scared of withdrawl. You will learn so much here, and in the books. Run and get "Survivng an Affair". They talk about the steps and plans to get going. One thing they talk about, and everyone here talks about is NO CONTACT with the other woman. You'll start, as I did, becoming the best detective in the world, and then you'll know more of what you already know. He will have to accept no contact with her. I don't know where their contact is, office, hospital, ect- it may be difficult for the no contact. Stay strong and stay here. [censored] Luck

<small>[ March 08, 2004, 09:08 AM: Message edited by: betrayedhusband ]</small>

LOL about the best detective. I have found out so much about the OW in the past 6 days. I know her cell number, where she lives, where she works, and her name. I have also hired a PI, but have not decided that route. my H read "After the affair" last night. What does this book "surviving the affair" have differently than the other one because I couldnt decide between the two. Our therapist recommened After the affair. Also I oreder Myth of Greener grass for H. OW is in "love" with H. she is in love with the Doctor not him. He sees her at a nursing home that he is the director of. they used to meet at hotels and such. this is killing me. I have lost 15 pounds in 6 days! I am an emotional wreck. What is he doesn't realy want to work it out. How can we make sure that it will not go back to the way it was. I do not want it to, but with three kids and that stuff. It is hard. I dont have his undevided attention like the OW did. And that makes me mad. I know I dont need to be mad right now. I need to be loving and supportive. Will he get tired of the questions "where have you been; what time will you be home; did you talk to her today"...he already said he did not call her last night, but I saw on the online bill he did call her. But he lied to me. Do I tell him I know he lied or what..Is it too soon for that? I am so confused, but I do not want to do anything to push him away. Once I get over this initial feeling of I WANT HIM BACK, will i feel resentful and think that I dont and that we can never get over this.