Been married a long time, 12 yrs will be 13 in April. We have 3 children, and had a long rough road in our whole marriage.

My h found out about my affair 3 wks ago, this has been draining for both of us. He has not left the house YET, but he has accepted a job in another city and starts in one week.

Background on Affair: I had an affair with one of my h's coworkers, that is the obvious reason for his job transfer. The affair lasted for 2 yrs. being that we talked to one another every 2-6 months, and seen each other an access of 5-6 times in that 2 yr span. My h found out 3 weeks ago, and as I said he is here for now, but has shown me more hate, and anger over time, with no, not even the smallest amount of anything positive coming out of any of this. He keeps saying that he cannot be over this in such short time, and I agree, but I am hoping or looking for anything positive from him that says he is willing or ever wanting to start to fight for our marriage. Presently there is none, everyday he drifts further and further into bitterness and anger.

Marriage Background: We have been married for 12 yrs, we have 3 kids. Our marriage has always been a struggle. He recently told me that he became bitter and angry 11 yrs ago, and although he had forgotten what it was that he was bitter and angry about...it still existed and controlled his life. We've been to marriage counseling, he says it never helps makes it worse and quits. I have communicated all issues with him for years, he didn't have the ability to communicate back, and felt helpless to change anything. His comment of I gave you all I had, but that was nothing rang through our marriage 100 times. I cannot change 11 yrs ago, and I am supposed to understand this hurt that he felt for all of these years that robbed him of his personality, and robbed us of our marriage, still he didn't want to go and get some help. My h was dead inside, empty, and walked around a shell, finally I lost hope. I used to fight for our marriage seemingly in vain, with no changes, with no feeling that he loved me at all. He left me 3 times and all 3 times he returned each time I was thinking that he came home to me because he had taken some time to consider what it was that he wanted and was finally ready to really come back to me. That wasn't the case at all, he never did come back to me, he just wanted me to accept him the way he was. The way he was wasn't all bad, he is a great father, a wonderful friend, and he is hard worker. I felt love for him through our children at times, there was not a whole lot of love that he expressed to me personally. We were roomates raising children, all intimacy was taken away, he feared it, pushed it out of his life and out of mine.

After a traumatic experience I lost hope. I was angry and bitter that he wasn't there for me in what I felt was the hardest time of my life, and this time lasted for a little more than a year. I felt that he showed me how much he didn't love me in this time, through severe depression that this time caused and anger/bitterness I collapsed. I fell into myself completely, shut off my marriage and we lived seperate lives, I was completely emotionally empty, I finally knew what he meant when he said he was dead, because so was I.

Nearing the end of this major back problem that I suffered, a man started to talk to me, showed some interest (at the time non sexually). I latched on, I felt SOMETHING again, somebody wanted ME, or so I thought. I allowed myself to make the biggest mistake of my life, I had an affair, and I allowed it to go on far, far too long. I just didn't want to believe that this man used me and threw me away, I didn't feel like I was capable of being loved, I didn't feel that my h loved me, and now I was so stupid to be used and thrown away. I felt guilt, shame, and it was crushing my world, but I had to live with my secret, it was his coworker and everything would change.

Well I didn't come right out and tell him, he did suspect, I did come clean to him and that was 3 weeks ago. He is still here, but I am not sure why. He did tell me that his love for me is extremely tainted, as to be expected. He keeps pushing me further and further away. At the time that he found out the affair had been ended for at least 6 months, but I understand that it is 3 weeks for him. The largest problem right now through all of this, is I can't figure out what I want anymore. He deserves to make all of the decisions regarding this, and I am truly sorry that I hurt him in the way that I did. He never deserved it.

He is not capable of making any kind of decision regarding us, although he is getting ready to move to another city 2 hrs away. He has no idea if he wants me to come with him, I have no idea of I want to go with him. I love him, but my love for him has changed as well, I will fight for us, if he wants me to. There is no energy to fight for something if there is nothing to fight for. That is the major struggle for us both. I wish he would say lets get some counseling, but he isn't to that point and doesn't know if he ever will be, I am afraid that he can never move from the point that he is now,and from past experiences he does not have the capability to move past anger and resentment. I made this HUGE mistake, but at the same time don't want to live the rest of my life in the marriage that was so troubled but worse because of the affair.

Toni, this happens time and time again. YOu are not the first and will not be the last. What happened 11 years ago that changed him? I am going to say this once and you already know it, but what you did is very wrong and if he was in pain and anger, this may have driven a fatal blow to his self steem. My suggestion to you is to try to understand him and be there for him. You have three children to fight for and if not for you or him, do it for them. As far as the other man is concerned, now you know what he is. That is their nature. They see a weak and insecure person and like wolves they move in for the kill without regards about the consequences on the innocent ones (children and betrayed spouse).

MY wife was hit upon by the same kind of guy, dont beat yourself up too much over it they say what you want too hear and if like me you dont pay attention and get wrapped up at work its easy to get blindsided by the attention of someone who seems "REAL" .
pryaers are with you, just give him time and all will be well hopefully
cliff

Toni!

Seems to be a lot of pain in your house. I know this might seem like an obvious answer but your H. seemed depressed 11 years ago that carried up until now.
My H. had a lot of deression going on too and I had basically put my life on hold to help him get through it. Unfortunately, under the circumstances in my case, my H. had lost many positions because of the economy and a few dumb mistakes. Finally a great opportunity had come and he took that opportunity out of state and I had to stay behind for a lot of reasons. I was going to join him in a year. Believe me I wanted to be with him and was upset that he started his new life without me in it. Well, someone started to take interest in my H. and noticed that his family was not around. And you know the rest of the story.... became "friends" and ended up having a PA. Sound familiar?
Sometimes we have to put ourselves behind the one we love to support them even though our needs are not being met. I had to do it when my H. was unemployed. I felt so empty, alone and I had a new born to take care of as well as a 3 year old.
He left me with with so much responsibility too. When he took that job. I very much could have had an affair because my needs were not being met. But I choose not to because I believed in my marriage. As tough as it was I stuck it out. I know, every one circumstance is different.
To be blunt here, you abonded your husband when he was actually reaching out for help from you. Yes, he might have left you a couple of times but that is a sign of help. And that is when you should have pushed yourself even further.
His ego is probably shattered beyond the moon and yes HE will be angey. Don't expect anything less of him either. He has a lot of emotions right now. My husbands affair happened almost a year ago and I am still feeling as if was yesterday.
So let me ask you something. What is it that you are not sure what you want? Are you feeling guilty because of your betrayal. Do you want to give up the marriage because you feel it is hopeless? People that are depressed have a pretty hopeless out come on life. Why don't YOU get some counseling? Because you are definelty going to be in a bumpy ride. This will not be easy.
As for your husband. Please don't demean him. HE is feeling so crappy right now on top of everything. Can you imagine the humiliation that he is going through? And what he is feeling is only normal. He is putting distance from you to numb his pain and protect himself from his vulnerability.
Temptation was there. You were feeling lonely some guy who knew you were married came onto you. And don't you dare think it was a platonic relationship at first. He and you took advantage of each other. A mistake is pressing the wrong key on a keyboard. You knew you were married and you knew the vows you took and you know right from wrong. In my opinion, I believe you knew what you were doing because you were feeling empty. I hate it when WS call it a mistake. Intentions were there and it underminds our feelings a BS.
I suggest you go and purchase the book from Dr. Harley. Let your husband greive. Even though you are not sure what you want. You better be there kissing his feet. You should do the plan A instead of him.
I am not coming down on you. I am glad you came to this site. It has helped me a lot.
Good luck!
Ali

Ali88, My h didn't want help, I tried to be there for him, he didn't want to address any issues we were having, he just wanted them to go away. Him leaving me was a way for him to ask for help? I beg to differ on this, yes he had his empty issues, but he still did nothing but run away from them even then. He didn't come back after 4 mo. or 3 mo. and want to be better, he was just always the same. He didn't want my help, he wanted me to accept him this way, and this way was empty toward me, and I was not to need or want anymore from him I was just supposed to live this way. His way! I have lived in a near sexless marriage for the last 9 yrs and this was him begging for help from me? I asked him to go to counseling, and he would always quit and tell me he thought it was making us worse. I tried to talk to him countless times through the years about my feelings, lets get help ect...it was like talking to a wall, or he would get defensive and act like me telling him I was hurting and lonely that I was banging his head against a wall(his words).

I did all I could do at that time(before affair) to save my marriage, I told him we couldn't go on like this. I didn't want to be his friend alone, I needed him to be a husband to me. The next time you are thrown down the stairs, and told you are a b*tch, and sent to live with your parents with your baby you can tell me he did this asking me for help. He did this because he has only learned to run away from problems in his life and he has done an equally good job of running away from out problems in our marriage.

I didn't just wake up one day and go "You know, I am going to have an affair today". I fought, and fought for our marriage and I did it all alone, with no help from him. This man told me that the only reason he had sex with me(again, before affair) was because he didn't want to argue, he hated sex and could go the rest of his life without it. This over time webbed itself throughout our whole marriage where he could show me nothing, in fear it may lead to sexual contact. He wanted a pal, a buddy, a roomate. I was/am convinced he didn't love me.

Yes, I know I was wrong I had an affair but don't take out on me what your h's other woman did to hurt you. I am not her, all I can do is tell my story. I never thought I was the type to have an affair, I kidded myself into thinking I would never go there. I kidded myself until the day that it actually happened, and this was not a happy little relationship, to me affairs are miserable whether my h found out or not. I allowed myself to want/need whatever I thought I was getting from OM, and was used like a dog. Yes, I do feel like I deserved everything I got. I set myself up for it, and I am now paying the price. I am stupid, all I ever wanted was to feel loved, and went about it all the wrong way, and you know it is the most selfish thing I have ever done in my life. I never intended to hurt my h the way I did, but I will not bend down and kiss his @ss.

As far as me getting counseling, I was thinking the same thing, I asked him if he'd like to get some counseling with me and he declined saying he wants counseling for himself. Great, wish he'd done that years ago, but if he can feel whole again now even if it is not with me that is what I wish for him

When I said I was confused, I meant because I am afraid of going back into a loveless marriage, a marriage that because you love causes you great pain. That was not fun, and we lived it for years, and nothing I could have done could have fixed things, because he was unwilling to help himself, I can't do it for him and me too.

I don't blame my h for the affair, all I can say is I knew where I was emotionally/mentally at the time and I should have never allowed this to happen. I take the responsibility for this, because there were better ways, and yes I feel plenty guilty. I'm sure I will pay for it with my marriage.

Hi Toni.

Please don't think that I am taking it out on you with what my H. did to me. I am not.
Yes, being in an emotionalless marriage with no intimacy must be difficult and being told a b*tch is hard. I'v been through it all. My. H. put my life in jeopardy when I was in visiting him at his new job. So I know of all the hardships.
But my question to you is... if you feel that you are just "room mates" and love was/is lost. I am not sure what the problem is? I know that sounds stupid but let me tell you what I mean. My sister married a man when she was 22 and that was 17 years ago, Maybe 18 years. After her first year of marriage she realized that she might have made a mistake. Several years later, she finished school, received her masters, has one of the coolest jobs that a person can have decided that she was missing something in her marriage. She was not there emotionally and neither was her husband. They went to counseling and decided to stick it out and give it a try. Then, after a few more years had gone by, my sister felt as if her H. was just a room mate. Or two catty room mates. All they did was argue, no sex, nothing. They just paid the bills, ate and went to bed and not together. They had their own rooms. My sister called me one night and asked her to help her decorate her room. I am the decorater. But thought that was a the end when she told me she was moving out of the bedroom. That went on for about 4 years. Finally she and he divorced. She checked out of her Marriage emotionally becaused she realized that she never really was in love with her H.

I read a lot of hurt and anger. Do you think that this you and your H.? And Yes, I can relate a lot to you. I have been emotionally deprived too. I gained a significant amount of weight with my pregnancies with both my kids. I am back to normal now. But my H. would not go near me because he said I turned him off. He told me that my A$$ was as big as the Grand Canyon. Just having a baby a having to deal with the post-pardum is hard enough. But to here him say that and then some??
I am not sure what you really want from your marriage now? I read that you want to be emotionally fufilled, have an intimate relationship. All the thing that a person wants in their spouse. But now with your H.? Is that what you are looking for? What does your husband want? He does seem depressed. Duh, I know! But angrer can be a side of depression too! And the withdrawls of checking out that he was doing is a sign of depression as well. He might not even think of himself depressed. A denial thing.

What I met as far as a bumpy ride was that it is going to get worse before it gets better no matter what the two of you decide. The fact that he will be out of town (State?) is going to be a difficult task for both of you to find closure in this. And obviously that does not just include the A. You need to be emotionally fufilled and he needs that as well. What are you going to do to find emotional support? What is he going to do?
But right now, you need to be soft with him no matter what. And that does not mean kissing his A$$. Just don't feed into him. Just listen and pay full attention to his cues. But he might be vurnerable too to find his own A. ??? But if he is this upset that you had an A. then obvious there was some still some emotion there for you???? Something to think about!
Get back with me. OK? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Ali
Whoops. Forgot even if he doesn't want counseling, you go! Being emotionally deprived is hard and you need someone to help you go through this and separate with what you want now! And you need a good listener too! buh bye!

Toni,
You and your H had alot of preA issues. That's the case with 90% of the people on this board.

Your H is rightfully very upset. Conversely I see in posts alot of rationalizations about why you had your A.

Statements like... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He didn't want my help, he wanted me to accept him this way, and this way was empty toward me, and I was not to need or want anymore from him I was just supposed to live this way. His way! I have lived in a near sexless marriage for the last 9 yrs and this was him begging for help from me? I asked him to go to counseling, and he would always quit and tell me he thought it was making us worse. I tried to talk to him countless times through the years about my feelings, lets get help ect...it was like talking to a wall, or he would get defensive and act like me telling him I was hurting and lonely that I was banging his head against a wall(his words). </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I did all I could do at that time(before affair) to save my marriage, I told him we couldn't go on like this. I didn't want to be his friend alone, I needed him to be a husband to me. The next time you are thrown down the stairs, and told you are a b*tch, and sent to live with your parents with your baby you can tell me he did this asking me for help. He did this because he has only learned to run away from problems in his life and he has done an equally good job of running away from out problems in our marriage. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If all of this is true then why did you stay married to him? Did he lock you in a cell in the basement.

It would have been more honorable for you to divorce your H and make a clean break rather than to have an A to have your H supporting you all the while.

With a divorce your H would not be in the situation that he finds himself in. He is probably questioning his entire life including why he M you in the first place. His self-esteem is gone. If his parents had infidelity/divorce issues they are now on his mind constantly. The best way to descrbe how he feels is that </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">his entire life is coming unravelled. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You said that he didn't ever learn the skills to deal with difficult issues like this so no wonder he's pushing you away. He doesn't know how to deal with it.

So what is it that you want? Do you want to be married to this man? If so you need to stop bringing up the pre-A issues for at least the short term. If you don't then you have just had what some call an exit A.

An exit A is one in which the WS (usually women) have an A as a means to end their M because they don't know how to end it on their own. If this was an exit A, you have just shattered your H's entire self-esteem, his entire being and immense damage has been done. You should have found the courage to divorce him before taking up with the OM. At least that way you wouldn't have done as much damage. You thought he was confused pre-A.....


Affairs are the result of very selfish behavior. If you want to stay M'd to your H you need to put away the selfish thought until he recover some of self-esteem.

I'm sorry if I have the 2x4 out. I'm truely just trying to help.

cwmac

Well said, CWMAC!

I love my h from the bottom of my heart, most wouldn't understand this because of the A, but it's true. I said my love for him changed about 3 yrs ago, because I lost hope, lost interest in doing all the things I did for him e.g.writing him love notes, because he said it was goofy and ultimately started to lose who I was.

I decided a few years ago that I didn't want to argue anymore, I wanted to be happy with him and wondered often what it was that was wrong with me. So I set out to change, I saw no other way with years of trying to be this or that for him, but to stop wanting anything from him. We didn't argue, but I was dying inside, I was trying to stuff all my needs and just be happy but the end result was...I internally/emotionally died. This was not a quick thing, I felt as if I were on a conveyer belt for years moving further and further away from him. I panicked and tried to talk to him to no avail.

My h is not a monster, he is a really great, calm(most of the time)level headed individual, and he has a very big heart. He showed everybody everything, and he is very likable guy, but he stopped showing me the love a couple shares between them.

Yes, he says that his pain must show me that he still loves me, but again I am not sure. I don't even think that he is going to decide to stay with me, his anger grows more and more each passing day. It breaks my heart, but at the same time we may not have anything to fight for anymore since we've had now this HUGE PROBLEM, and all the problems we've been going through for years. I don't want to let him go, but I may have to, if he wants to be in the marriage he must do it for us and for all the right reasons, otherwise it will be to punish me.

You know when someone has an affair, sometimes they can be just as confused as to why they allowed this as the betrayed spouse. I can look on it and some things I honestly don't understand why I let it happen. The only true answers I have to it is I was in a very lonely and depressed state of mind at the time, and grasped even the first hint of affection. The fact that he was looking for an easy target was mistaken for something more, I think I was looking too hard for someone to see something in me, I was stupid.

I know it will take some time, even though my heart tells me he's gone, maybe someday he will want to give me another try. I just need for him to come back to me (if he does) with an honest effort to not go back to the same marriage that we had. This is the crossroads, still to early to know exactly where we are. Thankyou for posting back.

cwmac, no I don't think that I intended this to be an exit affair...I will say that I didn't hold out much hope when it started though.

I'm not sure why I didn't divorce my h, I love him, he is the father of my children, this will sound dumb, but I fought so much, so hard I didn't want to fail. I failed anyway.

I can't do anything else at this time but reflect, I don't have him (for obvious reasons), I don't know our future but it's looking very grim at the moment. As I said before we are at a crossroads and it's been time to look at the whole relationship.

Yes, I know he is in a lot of pain. NO, I am not pretending to know how much, I am not in his shoes...I just know that it is my fault, and ultimately paying the price for whatever is thrown at me right now.

He told me that he is here in this house because he asked me to come clean and I did, otherwise he'd be so gone, but I think he is here because he feels it's convenient at the time, before starting the new job. If he is going to absolutely divorce me then why is he doing this? Why not just do it? Not that I want him to divorce me, but that is kind of where he is leading us to. No signs even the smallest hint of wanting to recover in the future.

I did want to tell you that a post of yours struck me today. I went into your history and read almost all that you wrote. I really need a mans side of this, where his wife did this to him. I am trying through posts to understand what my h is going through. You wrote that you didn't love your wife anymore 6 mo into recovery, that is what I am afraid of. You seem very positive in all your other posts though, I understand that most men leave thier unfaithful wives and most here are unfaithful h's.

The 2x4 is fine with me, I need knocked in the side of the head most of the time. I just want him to decide that if recovery is what he really wants someday that he will not punish me for the rest of my life. I don't know timelines, I've seen 2 yr marks get easier. Why did you try to stay if you don't love your wife, I don't want to get my hopes up, and he already told me that his love is severely tainted for me??

Thanks for posting

Toni
Happiness does not come from our spouse. Happiness comes from within ourselves. Yes, it is easy to be confused because sometimes we rely on our spouse to make us happy. I had put my needs behind me to confront my husband during his low periods. I was empty, I was alone emptionally. But I had other things that I look upon to that gave me hope in my life. We lost so much $$$ My H. had to take a $30,000.00 pay cut. His ego was shattered. He wasn't given me a thing. I tried to be there for him. I did and said all the right things. I am not saying I was perfect. Because there was days where I could have walked out because IT DID GET TOUGH. I started to feel worthless, unattractive, no good. But I never allowed him to see it. But deep inside I was hurting. In all reality, It should of been me to have the affair. After he took that job, they treated him like royality. His was getting his ego built up, he was bringing in the income, he finally felt good about himself and me? I was miserable because I was left out. I was home, acting like a single parent, finding out that my infant son needed major surgery, my oldest diagnosed with autism, paying the bills cleaning the house, Do I need to say more? So I can understand your need for attention. I went through it for years. He? Acting like a single white male in a a new city that loves blonde hair blued men. He put it in his mind that he "forgot" about his marriage. This women who he works with came along doesn't know his history see's him as the company hero and by the way, she was also known as the company slut. And you can imagine the rest. So why did he have an affair when he was so built up on EN's? I had nothing but an occasional visit from him every 4-6 weeks.

If he says he still loves you. Please give him the respect and accept it! If you doubt his love after your affair you are only drawing him further away giving him the idea that there is no hope and why bother? I am reading now that is not what you want!He should not trust you! You done everything to break it. This type of betrayal no matter what the state of your marriage is/was in is soo devastating that words cannot describe it! I still cannot pinpoint the feeling!

Yes, his anger will continue to grow and grow each day. Like I said before don't expect anything less of him. He has every right too. I just pray he gets help before it takes over his life.
Do you really want to give your marriage another try? The reason why I am asking this is because in one of your posts, you said that you weren't going to kiss his A$$ and there was so much work ahead of you if there was a chance. Marriage is all about work. Some of us have to work harder. I have been with my husband for a total of 16 years. I will have to say, I have done the majority of the work in our relationship. Not saying that is right but that's the way it is. But you know, sometimes if you love someone enough and want to work it out, you must do a little butt kissing. I know you mention how he left you emotionally etc. But as you said, he still loves you. And you are not sure if he is going to want to come back.
Are you using this site to help you get your husband back? Or are you using this to relieve yourself of the guilt? It is find that you do either. But be prepared there are a lot of honest people who tells it like it is. Believe me, if you want help that is the best way to receive it.

By the way, I am not sure what I feel for my husband. I have become so callused with him that rarely return any of his affection. I don't trust his I loves you's, etc. Because, if he loved me so much and thought the "world of me" Why didn't he think that when he was screwing the OW and remembering who was his biggest supporter was. If your husband's feelings starts to fall apart on you and if you want the marriage to work, again I think you shoulddo the plan A.
And to let you know, I am being really sincere here.

Ali

Toni, listen what Ali is telling you. Your thoughts are somehow clouded by the guilt and the need to find a way to excuse your actions. You are hurting and feel a lot of disappointment over the situation and knowing that you cannot undo the damage. If you thought he had problems before your A, his problems and depression were not helped by this. He must be totally destroyed and down. In your statements you sound emotionally disconnected from him and you focus only on yourself. If he is to believe you, you have to express what you feel with conviction. It may be hard to communicate for both of you because your emotions are so bruised and it may feel like walking on eggshells in carefully choosing what to say. You seem to be the strongest of the two and maybe you can help him lift his ego. Good luck.

Im a man betrayed by his wife, im not the typical BS that posts here. Im an angry BS living with my wife for two things,#1 because i think i love her and #2 punishment and revenge.

My wife took a 2 week sexual vacation with a stanger from another country, no protection or thought to getting preganant or disease or how it would hurt me. I punish her every day with sour comments and neglect at times.

My wife explains she cheated for emotional reason, yet had sex with this stranger withen the fisrt 3 hours they met. This is a contradiction to people who are like me. I will never understand the connection and cannot.

Somtimes i see her as a good person and my wife and somtimes as the person she really is. It's very difficult for a betrayer like yourself to understand the damage you cause.
I refer to your kind as a slight different kind of human. Everything people like yourself do to others are justified by events and circomstances. You only know true right from wrong after the crime has been commited and then "cry" im sorry. You are probably a careing person until you start to care for sombody else, this is how you function and you justify it this way.


If you cant understand, i will explain. I know i can physicaly hurt my wife, when im mad i control myself to not hurt her, because hurting her physicaly hurts her emotionaly and physicaly and i would not want her to think of me as a monster.

It would make me FEEL BETTER better to let out my rage on her occationaly, but i refrain because i do not want to hurt her in any way even though it would make me feel better, yet i have slaped my wife and called her names since i found out about her affair.

You would hurt your husband emotionally over and over again to make yourself FEEL BETTER. In a relationship it's nearly impossible for it to work with people like you, unless you think you would enjoy your husband.

One person cares for the other or has a hard time showing it while the other person cares for themselves only.

I can describe what temorarily makes me feel better about my wife, this may help your husband deal with all of the hurt you caused.

1. Always try to spend time with him.
2. Be very close to him and tell him how much you love him and want him.
3. Answer all his questions.
4. Dont get mad at him for asking questions or feeling depressed.
5. Explain how he is the best man you ever met and you mad the biggest mistake of your life.
6. Explain that you wouldnt know what to do without him.

Bog,
im not the typical BS that posts here. Im an angry BS living with my wife for two things,#1 because i think i love her and #2 punishment and revenge.
Then why are you posting here? Are you looking for someone to support you in revenge?
Are you looking for a way to NOT feel like you need revenge?

If you cant understand, i will explain. I know i can physicaly hurt my wife, when im mad i control myself to not hurt her, because hurting her physicaly hurts her emotionaly and physicaly and i would not want her to think of me as a monster.
So it's okay to hurt her emotionally as long as there's not a punch thrown in for good measure?

It would make me FEEL BETTER better to let out my rage on her occationaly, but i refrain because i do not want to hurt her in any way even though it would make me feel better, yet i have slaped my wife and called her names since i found out about her affair.
Huh?

You would hurt your husband emotionally over and over again to make yourself FEEL BETTER. In a relationship it's nearly impossible for it to work with people like you, unless you think you would enjoy your husband.
Why are you telling her it's NOT okay to do this when YOU are doing it?

You seem to have some really screwed up (or lack of) relational skills.

As i said im not the typical BS, my actions are reactionary. I did not treat my wife poorly until i was treated without respect.

Im not looking for sombody to support my revenge, it exist without any support.

The poster wanted to know how BS's take being cheated on, i replied with my response.

Maybe the posters husband feels like i do, maybe he feels like you do if your a BS. The poster should understand how her husband could be thinking, arent we as BS's suppose to understand the WS?

People react differently, some accept easily, some dont. My perspective is mine.

Toni,
I'm happy that you took my post as I meant it, as advice and not criticism.

You mentioned that you read all of my posts. That's good of you to try and get your husband's perspective.

You specifically referenced a post in which I said I no longer love my wife. I am currently 7 months out from the true DDay (although I found about the relationship in Winter 2002). When I wrote that post I was having doubts and was in a dark place in my recovery.

You'll find that all of us, MBers, have doubts at times: BS's and WS's alike. When I posted that I also had another post asking other MBers who were 12-18 months past DDay about their state of mind 6 months out from DDay. A number of people responded that 6-12 months out was their low point. The answers I got gave me hope that I could get through my negative valley and that there were better times ahead.

My MC told me that there are several steps to recovery. Of course I forget some of them but anger, denial, indifference and acceptance are the major ones. He said the everyone is different. There is no set pattern and you can be in multiple stages at once before you get to acceptance. Also not everyone has to go through each stage. The time frames are different for everyone as well. He didn't say so but the time line probably depends a great deal on how a person was raised and his life experiences. I'm sure someone who gew up in a disfunctional family may not have the skills to recover as quickly as someone else.

Some MBers have a "honeymoon" period right after DDay. They report that their M is better than ever. They are communicating with their spouse, showing love and having more sex than in years. I guess they are so relieved to find out the truth after suspecting for so long and they are relieved that the WS has chosen to stay with them. They start at acceptance and then go through various other stages and hopefully back to acceptance again.

The above scenario is what I went though and to be honest it was very confusing to my FWW. She didn't quite understand how things could go from fairly posative to very angry negative behavior.

So............maybe it's a posative that your H is starting in the anger stage mixed with a bit of indifference. That way you won't be as confused as my W was. lol

As for what you were thinking during the A you said.... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You know when someone has an affair, sometimes they can be just as confused as to why they allowed this as the betrayed spouse. I can look on it and some things I honestly don't understand why I let it happen. The only true answers I have to it is I was in a very lonely and depressed state of mind at the time, and grasped even the first hint of affection. The fact that he was looking for an easy target was mistaken for something more, I think I was looking too hard for someone to see something in me, I was stupid. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My wife along with numerous WS & FWS could have written this. The vast majority of A's start out as simple friendships with neighbors, co-workers & old acquaintances. These people meet all or most of the needs that are being unmet by the affiar partner's spouse. You're not alone nor are you evil. You made a huge mistake that has had a lasting impact on your M. Hopefully the impact is that eventually you and your H will have a better M. Possibly not....

I can't remember. Have you asked your H to go to M counseling? Sit him down and calmly tell him that you love him very much and that you really want to make things better and that you'd like to go to MC. It can get expensive but what's a higher priority than your happiness? right?

BTW, your H may respond with some pretty nasty LB's. Ie; Why didn't you suggest MC before you.......? Try and ignore the comments. Not easy but remember the goal.

If he says "no", go yourself. You may learn some skills and he may change his mind.

During the short term try and remember your posative description of your H.....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My h is not a monster, he is a really great, calm(most of the time)level headed individual, and he has a very big heart. He showed everybody everything, and he is very likable guy, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A few more questions. What type of family life did your H come from? "Happy" home vs divorced parents. If divorced was infidelity a possible cause? Is alcohol a factor?

Again I'm happy that you didn't take my comments earlier as a 2x4. MB is the right spot for you. Stay posative and keep trying.

cwmac

Bog,
You're right she should know that there are BS's out there that refuse to forgive for any number of reasons.

You said........
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Im an angry BS living with my wife for two things,#1 because i think i love her and #2 punishment and revenge. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Which is it? It's one or the other. These two statements are complete opposites. If you feel your both then that says that you're still sorting out your feelings.

Another example of this sorting is your comment.... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Somtimes i see her as a good person and my wife and somtimes as the person she really is. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Look at it this way she is a good person who made some very serious mistakes.

All BS go through various thoughts of revenge but primarily via Revenge Affairs. Most don't while some do. Those that have RA's just make recovery even less remote of a reality.

From your post it sounds as though, you've decided to stay married to your W not out of love but out of revenge. You're trying to make yourself feel better at the expense of your W.

You said.... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know i can physicaly hurt my wife, when im mad i control myself to not hurt her, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but later said............ </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> yet i have slaped my wife and called her names since i found out about her affair. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again which is it? It's one thing to be a BS and to have all of the feelings that you are dealing with it's completely different to physically abuse your W.

Don't manipulate your W. If you can forgive her do so, if you can't move on. You both deserve to be happy and she doesn't deserve mental or physical abuse.

cwmac

Bog

Ali here. I cannot even begin to tell you about revenge. I went to bed scheming of ways how to make my H. as miserable and hurt him the way he has hurt me. Including that slut he was with for months.
I was so angry that I wanted to fly down there and confront her face to face without her knowing who I am and give her a taste of her own medicine. She only saw a picture of me and if she saw me in person, she wouldn't have a clue to who I was/am. Sad thing is that I have a good friend down there and chances are that I will be bumping into that sleeze of an embarrassment to the human race. when I go to her wedding. Yes, it has crossed my mind and no H is staying far away from there. So I can definitely relate. But I have not done a thing. Good thing too.
I realize that you are not a "normal BS". But I do think your feelings are vaild. But because you are miserable try not to make the situation worse. Because really you are setting yourself up for a life time of misery. Think about it. Very logical here. If you keep bashing her, she might go ahead and have another one. ??? But people can divorce if they don't want to stick it out. I am still at that possibilty. To waste your life on what one person did to you is a crime of your mind. Meaning, it is robbing you from later to be happiness. I am hurt. And a word is the size of a molecule to what I am really feeling. The sad part is that my H. said he fell in love with that thing. So here I thought I was with a guy who respected me, loved me etc. goes ahead and does this. The resentment, the humiliation and all of the emotions just add up.
Please reconsider. And stop wasting your life away. If you love her, she'll come around, If you don't think you want it....well move on. But don't waste your time sentencing yourself to a life timeof an emotional bashing prison.

Good luck
Ali