My wife has developed a very good friendship with a neighbor, who works weekends and is home most days. He is also one of my good friends. Our families spend a considerable amount of time together and she is even friendlier with his wife.
I lost my job back in Sept. and it was a pretty big blow to my ego. I am a bit depressed by working now and trying to get better.
In November, I cam home early froma job interview, went upstairs and entered the bedroom. My wife acted extremely nervous and strange. I went into the master bath and found him hiding in the shower. He could not look me in the eye. I left the home in anger. Later they both explained to me that he is having marital issues and my wife is helping him through them. They need a place to talk so they went to the bedroom. This doesn't make sense because it was a beautiful fall day and they could have found some privacy outside on the deck.
But, in the shape I was in, I needed her and couldn't bear the thought of her having an affair.
However, I recently looked at her cell phone bill and she is speaking with home 3 to 4 times a day -- about 400 minutes a month. She is upset because I found "invaded" her privacy by looking at the bill (which I pay).
They both tell me they are just friends.
Sunday, he left for a trip. She woke early, which she usually does to walk with a friend. For some reason I woke also... When she left the house, I watched her walk down the street. When she passed his house, his car came out of the garage. I followed and I think he spotted me. She met me and called me a fool. However, she never did meet her friend that morning to walk -- and never usually walks on a Sunday.
So here I am... feeling like I am being played for a fool. We've been married 12 years and have three beautiful children. She has been so distant with me for months. No interest in sex. No interest in conversation. No interest in me.
What do I do?

Yes, she is having an affair. The evidence is starring you in the face. You don't bring another guy into the bedroom and then hide him when you came home early unless you were going to do the horizontal with him. The time spend on the cell talking to this guy, her disinterest in you, etc. My advice is to hire a P.I. and get evidence that cannot be refuted. I would also contact a lawyer and make sure that your interests are protected before you confront her with the evidence.

Hello,

I think it is pretty obvious. You catch him hiding in the shower in your bedroom? You would have to be in complete denial to believe anything else. I think it is absolutely essential that you contact the OM's wife and tell her what you know.
Your wife's behavior is totally disrespectful to you and your marriage. How do you think your wife would be acting if the roles were reversed? Hiding in the Shower... Oh Please.

You need to get the total truth and make sure your wife and yourself get tested immediately and seek counseling. No contact with the OM is a must.
Again contact the OM's wife. I am afraid that now only is she playing you but she now believes you will believe anything if you believe another man hiding in your bedroom shower is innocent. You need to show the light of the affair and to deal with it and the repercussions. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. I wish you luck but you need to contact again the OM's wife and your wife must have no contact. Otherwise she is indeed playing you for a fool and you are allowing it.

Mattie,
The circumstances themselves tell the story however the fact that he couldn't look you in the eye is the topper. The cell activity is also a dead give away. How long has the cell acitivity been that frequent? Of course she's upset about you looking at the cell bill. My W was upset also.Your wife is probably in the "fog". She's also probably scared and feeling guilty as well.

I agree with BryanP you need to sit down with the other wife and tell her what you know because together you can drive a wedge between the A partners and hopefully end the affair. The less yelling and screaming and the more calmly you each approach your spouses, the more likely the affair will end. Tell the OM's W about this site both of you need to read up on Plan A and meeting your WS's needs.

Both couples should begin MC asap.

Lastly a warning!!!! It will be easy for you and the neighbor's wife, due to all of the stress of the affair, to potentially fall into a revenge A or ONS. It'll only make things worse.

The affair probably did start out innocently. The OM may well have asked your W for M advice. In the beginning they just met to talk about his M problems...but then your W probably mentioned her issues with your M. It snow balled from there.

Remember your wife will only come back to you willingly. You can't force her to.

Have you read all of the articles from Harley on the main Infidelity board page? If not do so.

You are in for the battle of your life to get your wife back and then to wrestle with the internal demons that we all have.

cwmac

Mattie,
Be advised that Yosh usually just swoops in for a single attack that usually discusses divorce as the first and only option.

He rarely follows up on any thread. I've never researched his story but he seems very bitter.

Yosh,
What is your story??

cwmac

Is she? Absolutely, no question, 100% certain, take it to the bank. Period.

Mattie - my story had similiarities to yours: very close neighbors, 4 houses away, and the wife in the other family was my wife's best friend. Our children were best friends. The husband was a pallbearer in my son's funeral.

Read the post linked in my sig line below and all the embedded posts right away.

Order the book Surviving An Affair, available from most on-line booksellers and from the bookstore on this site.

Next, inform OM's wife immediately and guide her to this site. Both of you HAVE to maintain your cool and DO NOT make knee jerk decisions. DO NOT conclude that divorces are imminent. DO NOT immediately run to a lawyer. Both you and OM's wife have to enter this challenge with the expectation that your marriages will be saved.

Your description of your wife's denials and counter accusations is classic, classic, classic affair-speak. She's following the script perfectly. We've all heard the very same things.

You don't need a PI. Don't waste your money. Instead, calmly confront your wife with your cell phone evidence and your beliefs. She will deny everything and chastise you for invading her privacy, blah, blah, blah. Then you and OM's W have to expose the affair to close relatives, other close neighbors, etc. But this has to be done with measured restraint. The goal is to remove the secrecy, not enact revenge.

<small>[ March 10, 2004, 07:59 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Mattie

I agree with the others who posted in response to your question. My situation is very similar. Good friends, family get togethers with our 2 and their 3 kids, etc. My WW has down played the extent of their communication and I posted here a few weeks ago because I too had cellphone records and they showed a lot of contact- 3-4 times a day over several months. I received good advice on this site to show them to her at the right time. I do not post much but felt your situation was strickingly similar.

We have been in MC now for 2 months, which I recommend, and coincidently last night I mentioned the cell records and the extent of the contact during our counselling session. Needless to say the counselor agreed with me that the records did not validate what my W had expressed about her EA. This was a big eye opener for her as she has been in denial. Last night we started going through the records together and she has opened up. I now have great hope.

By the way we just had our 19th wedding anniversary and I did not see this coming. So, my advice is to assume she is having the A (which looks obvious to me, a neutral, but experienced observer) but do not get in her face about it. I agree it must be exposed first. I exposed what I knew to our pastor who knew OM and he spoke with him. That ended contact from OM. We then got into MC 2 months ago and I save the records for the right time. I hope this helps.

I too have been through redundancy and know what a blow it is.

As regards marriage the materials on this site are excellent and I hope you stay in this online community and make the most of them (I saw that the start of this thread was your first post).

You can accept 50% responsibility for the state of your marriage but she must take 100% responsibility for the affair. Whatever the problems an affair isn't the answer!

I think you should reconcile yourself to the fact that your W is having an affair. It's not easy to deal with and if you make it to "recovery" the mental images of your wife having sex with another man are going to be hard to handle. However many people have got through it all. Getting firm evidence seems a waste of time and money since the situation is obvious, as others have said. I suggest just conduct discussions of the topic taking it for granted that it's happening and that you know about it and ignore any denials.

Don't LB (Love Bust) by being angry or judgemental - it's a natural reaction and morally justified but it won't get you anywhere.

Yosh is known on this site as a consistent advocate of divorce in response to affairs. It's a valid viewpoint but he's not really on board with the MB concepts and rarely even refers to them.

That said, you do need to consider whether you want to save your marriage. IMO an affair is a fundamental betrayal and you are morally entitled to say that it's the end of the marriage. But I would take some time to consider calmly rather than react now.

If you want your wife back you need to read about Plan A.

Wishing you the very best.

<small>[ March 10, 2004, 08:43 AM: Message edited by: lovesaved ]</small>

I agree with "lovesaved". Especially when it comes to taking responsibility. I take 100% of the responsibility of the state of my marriage, while he takes 100% responsibility of his A.

It's difficult, to make the decision to try to rebuild a marriage after someone you've trusted and believed in betrays you in that way.

I'm not desperate, but I know who I am. It comes down to a very basic question you have to look into your heart to answer. Can you move on with your life, and divorce your WW for her infidelity? Absolutely, the ball is in your court. You'll probably come out very well through divorce proceedings. However, do you WANT to move on with your life, without your W ?

If there's a slim to NO chance you can save your treasured marriage and once again be the people who once loved each other to the point of sharing vows, would you take it ?

Unfortunately there are no guarantees, it takes time, and patience, and a lot of pain. But through that process, you may uncover things about yourself that you didn't realize existed.

I'm currently in Plan A. And it's playing such a profound role in my life, that I've seen things about me that I didn't like. Who else would like them ? My WH was thrown out on his tail the moment I found out. It was like being run over by a train, and I called a lawyer THAT day.

After many days and nights of sheer devastation, something made me think, wait a minute. Did I do everything I could ? And no I hadn't. So before I make any decision, I have to know I did MY part. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />