subtitled, what to do when the only left in common is stubbornness?...

Had a major raving breakdown yesterday, explained to H that I was to the point of feeling self destructive... It is now 8:15 and he is still about 45 minutes from home. He is scheduled to get out at 5 but that almost never happens. He has called 3-4 times to let me know he is coming home.

Tomorrow I go for a consult with my surgeon. I am accepting the inevitability of back fusion this summer. H has promised to go with me and I know he will and he'll be on time. I can never fault him for not being there in an emergency. I only wish I could make him understand that I need him here for me the rest of the time...

The first thing he will do after he takes his coat off will be to turn on his computer. And today I will do my best to be understanding because he's had a horrible day. He does that every day though. And he will maybe have something to eat. He will probably stay on the computer long after I want to go to bed.

He rarely seems to want to talk to me and I've run out of ideas for conversations...

maybe I'm just tired and scared right now and can't deal, but it has been about 4 years since my A, and I'm really starting to wonder if we're just too stubborn to give up and it will just always be like this...

help...
Marissa

Marissa: Just wanted to say hi. H's A. was over 1-1/2 years ago and we're still bumbling along.

H. finally told me what I already knew: that he is emotionally dead, not attracted to me physically, and the reason he doesn't talk to me is because he just doesn't enjoy it that much.

At first I was angry...I mean really, he's had over a year to figure out his feelings..he can sort them out alone. Then I talked to Cerri and she reminded me that I can't beat him up for being honest.

Is there anyway you can get your H. to express how he feels? If so, be sure to offer protection and make it safe. As for us, we probably won't make it past May but it's a whole lot better than stumbling around in the dark for years.

Best wishes and let us know how it goes. I'm with you...there's no way to have a good marriage without conversation.

HI starving... I am starving too - for a real relationship with my H.

I have to admit that I was wrong about his actions the other night. He did not just go and turn on his computer, he actually ate in the livingroom with the ball game on but he knows I like basketball too. He did apologize for his absence and for being a workaholic. He also did dishes which I really appreciated (and thanked him).

I went to see the surgeon yesterday and we are going to try to avoid surgery for now. I am going to get a cortisone shot and do some pain management stuff.

I'm sorry your H can't express himself to you, starving. Mine seems to (my view) mirror what ever I feel. He told me a couple weeks ago that he has spent the last 4 years waiting for me to come back. ??? I am here! I keep telling him I need him to talk to me and spend time with me. I don't know what he is waiting for. And he doesn't seem able to tell me.

We are going to his company banquet tomorrow. I am looking forward to meeting his new coworkers. NOw if only I knew what to wear! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hugs to you starving - btw why May?
-M

Well its been about 5 yrs since my ww had her 1rst A. I'm 98% sure she has just come off a nother one, she moved out almost 3 months ago and we are in counselling. I have to say that though I didnt just ignore my W and that I really did try to forgive and forget, I have had some justifiable paranoia over the last 5 years. She claims this is why she left, because I wont trust her. Well, she kinda crapped in her bed on that one. As far as being emotionally dead, I never have been. I am just stunned and really ticked right now with her. I just wanted to tell you that 4yrs seems like yesterday sometimes to the BS. Depends on whats going on. If you havent been to counselling, go. If you have I really dont know what to tell you. We didnt the first time and I think we should have. I will pray for you.

Your husband is waiting for you to come back. He wants you back the way you were before you betrayed him. He doesnt know he cant have that. He will wait forever for something he can never have.

medic22003 - thanks for your prayers - I appreciate it. H was on time on Thursday, but was late again Friday and now again today. We did 9 months of counseling and it was the worst. And nothing was ever resolved. And nothing really changed other than me ending the A.

Bog - *I* am here. I was here for 9+ years where I had a husband who was almost never here. He didn't seem to like me all that much before my EA, and whenever I try to be myself I seem to make him uncomfortable or piss him off. He can probably have everything he wants if he will open up and let me in and most of all TALK TO ME. Not just about work, but about plans dreams and futures. I've had housemates I knew more about and who talked to me more.








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Maybe your husband feels he was there for 9 years. Maybe he was working to secure a future for the family. There are many things that men do that women somtimes overlook, or dont understand. Maybe he did neglect your needs for 9 years and may continue for another 9.

9 years may seem like a long time if people only lived to be 12 years old, but compared to a lifetime its not very long. Marriages are suppose to be forever, much longer then 9 years.

I think a married man/woman that has made the ultimate mistake should be in charge of making it right. I bet there are so many things that you know you can do/say/show etc. that could help the situation, cant hurt to try can it?

Maybe tell him how you need his help to be the person you were when you were married.

I know this sounds sneaky, but could you engage in a little ...oops...'computer repair'? Having a little 'net addiction myself, I wouldn't have blamed my wife at all if she had 'accidentally' poured cola into the keyboard <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

That might buy you some time to get his attention. Make sure you have some together time planned to fill the gap.

Have you talked to him about MB...is he willing to do the EN survey?

Make appointments with him for at least two hours of uninterrupted time per day. No TV, No kids, No phone, No computer. He'll hate it at first. But don't give up.

Low

What does he spend his time on the computer doing?

Games? Surfing? Chat rooms? What?

Do you suspect an internet relationship?

Bog - no, my H would tell you that he spent those years with no holidays, no weekends, no sick days and no appreciation from his company, while I went to family functions (his family) without him, saw him 3 days out of seven if I was lucky, and generally lived separate lives. He started a new job in August, making more than he did after 14 years with his old company.

I agree that 9 years may only seem like a long time, and may not be in the overall scheme of things, but when I felt I was the only one trying to make it better for those 9 years it was pretty rough.

I should probably mention that if he hadn't gotten laid off, he would probably still be at that job, another 4 years later.

I have owned my mistake. I have apologized. I have begged, pleaded, cried and screamed.

Part of the problem is I don't think he really wants me to be the person I was when we got married.

LowOrbit - cola in the keyboard wouldn't work unless, I did mine and the spare as well. H is a tech, we have at least 3 working computers in the house right now and he could probably build another from the parts.

On top of that his temper upsets me very much. I would prob be hiding in the basement for a week. I can't deal with his upset when I had nothing to do with it.

He knows all about MB, filled out the ENQ about 3 years ago, doubt he would do it again. Counseling is a no go.

No kids is easy - we don't have any, no phone isn't a problem I'm the only one who uses it, but if it isn't the computer it's the TV and frequently both, even though they're in separate rooms. I just don't think he really wants to spend time with me, or he would TALK to me. I will gladly put down whatever I'm doing if we actually could get a conversation going that wasn't just a daily itinerary.

lovesaved - no, I don't suspect anything. There's no hiding, no nothing. He is very simply addicted to blogs. What gets me is that he isn't even posting - just reading.