I have been married for six years to a man who is in the Army, and we have 3 very young children. Because of his job we have been separated for 3 of those years and he is now in Iraq and won't be returning for another six months. Over the course of our marriage I have found out about countless things he's done (spending vast amounts of money, having questionable relationships with other women, downloading porn, chatrooms, webcam interactions with other women, etc.) whenever we were separated. I forgave and he swore he would never do the things again and he always returned to his old ways. I begged him to tell me what I could change or what was missing to make things better, but he just said it wasn't me and that he wouldn't do it again. Now I just came across some other things that he lied about and, after confronting him he finally came clean and said he met a woman during our last separation (a year ago) in a chat room, then accidently ran into her at a bar and they slept together. I'm devastated and hurt. I feel like my marriage has just been a big lie. He SEEMS genuinely sorry and ready to start over again, but he has lied so much in the past that it's hard to tell if this is really true. How do I cope with this when he is deployed? Without him here with me the images of all of this are overwhelming me and I don't know how to get through this. How do you overcome the problem of a long, continued separation and still rebuild a marriage that has been destroyed. I feel like he can't possibly understand the pain he's inflicted because he's not with me and words don't describe it, and I don't know if he's being truthful because he's not here with me.

<small>[ March 11, 2004, 03:30 PM: Message edited by: armywife ]</small>

armywife,

Sometimes I think there should be an indoctrination briefing before couples get married in the military to prepare us for the odds that one member will cheat. It happens more than you'd believe. On both sides.

For starters, get a copy of "Surviving an Affair" and read it. It'll help you understand what's happening to you better.

You must take care of yourself. Exercise, eat right, and go to the doctor for antidepressants and a counseling referral if you can. Get tested for STDs. You have three children relying on you. You may also want to make an appointment to see a chaplain. They're confidential and have seen it all before.

As you've probably guess, I'm a military wife myself (Navy). I'm also former active duty Army. Some of these guys do go into an alternate reality while deployed. They form little groups of buddies who are all in on the "fun" and convince themselves that as long as the wife doesn't find out, they can do whatever they want and it doesn't hurt anyone. Not all military guys are like this, but there are some out there.

This may sound rough, but there's nothing you can do to "make" him be faithful right now. What you can do is spend this six months becoming the best person and mother possible and educating yourself.

And to be brutally honest, his line about accidentally meeting this woman is crap. And until he's willing to be honest with you, you can't heal the marriage.

The marriage can very possibly be saved. But it's going to take some hard work on both sides. Unfortunately, when they're deployed you can't really do this. So spend this time educating yourself, making yourself strong, and deciding on what YOU want.

Read the other posts on this site. There's a lot of wisdom to be found.

Baby just woke up, so I'll check back on you later.

Dobie

armywife -

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be. You will get lots of support from the people here. We understand your pain.

You have some time to study the MB program and learn how your marriage can be better than ever. It is sad that he is gone, but if he was home you would probably be love busting constantly.

In a way I'm glad we're only communicating over e-mail, because I just want to lash out at him right now and make him feel this pain, and I can sort of screen myself from doing that as much as I would if he were here. I've read pretty much everything on the Marriage Builders site, but I guess I just don't know what to do in my present situation. I feel like my moving on and being loving to him and working on the relationship is what is going to save it, but at the same time I know he didn't really have to sit and see what it did to me--is still doing to me, and words on a screen are not much of a wake up call. I'm afraid this is going to end up being too "easy" on him if I try to rebuild and therefore he won't have learned any lesson from it. I'm not out to punish him, I just think part of the aversion against having another affair is seeing the fallout from your first, and he's not getting all that. Where should I go from here? Do I correspond with him, am I being a complete sucker by moving on and writing to him? He said the wake up call was 6 mo after he got back from being in Arizona (where he had the affair) when I went into premature labor with our daughter after finding out about some more of his little secrets. He said it made him realize he was gambling everything. I don't know what to believe because I want so desperately to believe he is telling the truth but I don't trust my own judgement now. As for whether he's lying about the chance meeting at the bar--that's one I'm suspicious of as well. He says he met her through an online chat room and presumably chatted with her because her profile said she was from the same area he was in. He said he went to a bar and she ended up being there and he recognized her from her picture in the profile. SO farfetched, I know, but again I'm wanting to believe. Any suggestions on what sort of relationship I should have with him during these six months, what I should do or not do?

Stay in Plan A and continue to be a supportive wife. As you go through the program here, you will get more comfortable in handling the problem. You will still have to work through the pain. When he comes back you will have to restore your marriage and he will have to make some choices.

But don't worry about it now, by that time you will have a better understanding and lots of support to help you.

How are you Armywife? I think we'd want to hear from you. I hope things get better for you. Hugs*

Armywife;

Well I am a armyhusband with my WW deployed in Iraq. When on leave she called me by someone else's name when having sex. When she called home after returning to Iraq I confronted her and she admitted to A but was followed by more lies. She has been in the Army for nearly 17 years and as far as I know this is her 4th A. I stayed in the M for our kids that are now grown. There are thousands of horny men to every 1 female in the Army so not much I can do. Still several months till she returns home (if you can call it that) and like you the only thing I can do is to use plan A as best as I can till she returns.

It is rough. Our spouse has been shot at but we have been hit! Read all you can and take care of yourself. Let him know he is coming home to a strong person. Honesty and total openness is the way to go. When he returns his life must be an open book and you must know where that book is evey minute of the day. I don't know for sure how I will handle it when my spouse returns. I've forgiven her so many times I am sure she thinks this A won't be a problem for her but if she can not be honest with me I've had enough and one of us is hitting the road. Good luck I know where you are now and it is a special type of hell reserved for millitary spouses.

Armywife,

I'm in your boat. My hubby left for Iraq in Feb & I found out about the A in March. Want to email each other off the board?

Savedand Shattered

It's been a few weeks since I found out, and since then my husband has also clarified that there were 8 other individual women he had explicitly sexual cyberaffairs with, starting one year into our marriage. What really kills me in this is that during all of these separations I was pregnant, plus lost two babies. He wouldn't return calls or be there for me, and all the time he was doing all of this. I understand about his "emotional needs", but honestly I feel like I've been doing everything possible to keep him happy for the past six years. He doesn't lift one finger at home--not even to take out the trash--I have three meals a day on the table when he comes home from work. Sex wise I was the one wanting ten times more than he did (though I tried not to make a big deal of it). That hurts too; why does he turn to other women when I want lots of sex and experimentation? It just feels so personal, like he's been spitting on me all these years. I can't even count how many times I asked if I could change anything to make him happier, whether there was anything I said or did that was bothering him (because he seemed distant), etc. I hate that I've become this loser person who's been chasing after him all this time when I was such a strong, confident person before all of this. I know I have to take personal responsibility, but sometimes it seems like he just built up his own confidence by ripping up mine.
He says he's missed me complimenting him over the last few years. I'm trying to take that and go with it, but I also feel like it was hard to find good in him when he's spent the last few years spending tons of money, lying, hanging out with other women (plus more obviously), etc. How do you make yourself pour out respect and compliments for someone you no longer respect? I also feel like screaming at him--where are my compliments? He's never planned one anniversary, or valentine's day, even when I asked him too. He very rarely says anything nice about me or the way I look. It's crushing when everyone but the person you are in love with tells you you're beautiful. How do I deal with this now? I feel like I'm supposed to give him the compliments and respect he's asking for, but I'm disgusted by him and his years of deceit. I find myself just wishing I'd walk out tomorrow and meet some nice guy who would just love my kids and I forever and I'd never have to feel these things again, or be afraid every day of my marriage that I'm being made a fool of.
I'm sorry this is so long; I keep feeling like this should fade. The pain is lessening, but I just feel like there is no way I could ever be in love with this man or desire him again. Being overseas makes it so much worse because he is just becoming this monster in my head. For the other responder (can't remember your chat name)who's wife is military and cheated--do you worry she's doing it over there? I feel like my husband is such a good liar he could be playing this role of regret and love while sleeping with a fellow soldier. Do you feel the army life is too much temptation? My father and grandfather were career army, but that was before the integration of women into living quarters and such. My husband has often been quartered next door to young women when we're separated.
Thanks for all the support

Saved and Shattered--
I would like to e-mail but I can't quite figure out how to share addresses since I don't want to post it on this site. Any ideas?

ARMYWIFE

I have an email account that you can use- savedandshattered@yahoo.com

Looking forward to your email

SaS

In response to your question. I know she has cheated while there. Ether she got caught at it or the rumors got back to her superiors and she was moved to another platoon. I think she is faithful now only because they are on to her. Her spending dropped from about 600 a month to around 40, so I believe she has been given a direct order to stay away from OM.

The Army is just like the workplace only magnified 1,000 times. Your husband will find it hard to cheat over there. Too many men and not enough women. Some other guy that gets beat out for the woman's affections could drop a dime on your husband to his commander. Check his spending if he is close to BIAP or a rec area. I have no other spouses in my area to check the rumor mill. That has always been a good way to check up on my spouse. Our family has not heard from my wife in over a month although I've sent word that I need her to call home. My health has failed and I will probably not be able to walk with a year or so. I have invested my life (literally) into my marriage so don't have much of a choice but to try and make it work.

As for plan A I have been doing that for the last 2 years after I found out about her last A. Not a lot you can do until your spouse returns. Look into all your options. Deployment leads to divorce for a lot of couples hopefully you can save yours.

Hang in there kids!

As a retired Army 1SG, I've seen it both ways. Sometimes, as soon as the spouse goes to the field, the other one is "out and about." On the other hand, I've often mentioned that it seems as soon as some soldiers put on their uniform, they take off their brains.

From some of your posts, it seems that your spouses were really not ready for marriage. It takes a special person to be married to a military spouse.

Just as the WS has to be honest with the BS, so to, you be honest with your deployed spouse. Let them know what's bothering you. Let them know of your ENs and how they haven't met them in the past. Tell them you want a new relationship based on love, honesty, and respect when they return. If they don't want to follow the Policy of Joint Agrement when they return, they can hit the road. Life is too short to spend it in an unhappy relationship. If you feel you must, then close your eyes or look the other way. However, I don't think you. or your children, will be happy in the long run.

PS:

Don't worry about them being shot at. If they are running around on you, they deserve to be shot!

Armywife, I understand exactly what you're going through. I have a post "Invading Privacy" and it deal with my cheating military spouse. I'm not sure if he has actually been involved with someone during this deployment yet but I know he has intentions, if he can find someone who is willing. I recently found out he cheated on me when I was pregnant, we were engaged then but I feel like my marriage is a lie. He didn't give me an opportunity to choose whether or not I wanted to marriy him after knowing he had an affair. I don't want to go on about my problems, just know that there are others who feel your pain. Don't blame yourself, there is nothing you could have done differently that would have stopped him. He has to want to change in order for him to stop. Take care.