I'm new here and really don't know where to begin.well, here goes... Feb.10 I found out 100% that my husband was having a affair. I made him leave and he is staying at his brothers. We have talked a good bit but so were they and still are.I love him very much and I guess I always will. I want so badly to hate him but I don't and that makes me feel stupid to a point. He tells me he loves me but that I need to get a attorney cause he wants me to be happy?? He says he has tried to stop the affair for the past six months but she will make him feel guilty and he sees her again. Get this tho he says he is not going to see her anymore. Now someone tell me what the difference is now then it was before? i made a appointment to see a attorney and that is tomorrow or today at 11am. he says he doesn't know why he did it and he can't say it won't happen again because he doesn't why it happened in the first place. Please someone tell me what to do. get a divorce,get counseling,get commited to the nearest hospital(smile). Please someone help me and help me fast.

I am sorry that you have to go through this, but you have come to a great place. This MB forum has helped me get a plan and get support. Most folks here are not experts, but they have good insight because they are all going through the same thing.
My plan (after the initial 2x4 in the head) was to see a counselor and my priest. Start reading these post for both support and understanding. It's a great place to vent as well. Get the books from the website or from a local store and start reading. The books help.
You will see so much of your WH in what others here say about their WS. It's reassuring to know that you are not nuts and that your WH is in "the fog".
I feel for you and your WH. For me, this is the most painful experience of my life, and I have just come back from a war zone. I don't know where my marriage will end up, but I know I am not going to let it destroy me as a person. If I end up divorced, then at least I will know I have really tried and have an understanding of what happened. Most importantly, I am not going to be destroyed in the process.

Dear L/L,

Welcome to MB. Apache said it well: "This MB forum has helped me get a plan and get support. Most folks here are not experts, but they have good insight because they are all going through the same thing."

And he has a plan so that: "...don't know where my marriage will end up, but I know I am not going to let it destroy me as a person. If I end up divorced, then at least I will know I have really tried and have an understanding of what happened. Most importantly, I am not going to be destroyed in the process."

Please read the concepts section above. I know you are hurting but investing in a bit of reading (books like: Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs both by Dr W. Harley) will do you good. Along with that get a good MC (preperably one familar with Harley's principals). Or you can even try a bit of phone consuling. Harley's are quite good.

Your H sounds like he is sitting on the fence. The OW can't be that great if he is still wondering.

IMHO, after you are over your shock, don't help him off that fence. He is going to have to want to return. Anything else is a other setup to fail with great odds.

Be yourself, be good and be careful.

take care,
L.

Dear LL

You are lucky you found the MB site.My DD was Oct/03 and I found this site in Feb. and have since read SAA. It really is a must read. My WS is back after 2 1/2 months of separation but I wish I had read the book sooner. It really opened my eyes to his side of things, and will help show you what steps to take. Just reading the posts here has helped too- some make you laugh, some make you cry, but most of all you realize that there are others who know what you are going through. Keep posting and letting us know what's happening, you'll find great people here to help you through. Take care.

I really do thank each of you that responded to my post and hope more will.I need all of your support.I'm getting ready to go to the attorneys office in a couple of hours something I don't really want to do but feel I need to hear what's to be said(you know just in case). He called me last night several times due to he was at work and had to keep check on his people. I feel like last night was the first time he was truly honest about things. what bothers me is that he says he doesn't know why he did it. Can that be possible? and if he doesn't know why then can't it happen again?I love him but how much can a heart take?I never knew a person could have so many tears inside them.I wish there was a way that he could tap into my being and feel what I have had to feel.I could never even now want him to feel this pain.it's as if your heart is being ground up but never ground fine enough. I did tho order two books his needs,her needs and how to survive a affair. I thought I would start there.Is there any real hope here or am I just wishing on a dream? I am so glad I found this place it is the only place i can go to get "it" off my mind. I know that sounds weird but it does really help to get all the pain off my heart for awhile before I start feeling sorry for myself again.
Orchid what is sitting on the fence? and how can i not help him off as you suggest? I new at this and the lingo is new to me so please help me understand.Once again thanks to all of you,my new friends.Pray for me!

Hey there little lady! I don't know if this will make you feel better, it did me: Your wayward husband (WH) is acting "normal" for what he has done and where he is at.

You see, he cannot make a decision right now. He is incapable. Hence, the fence-sitting comment. WH cannot decide if he want the other woman (OW), or you, his wife (W). So, his solution, is to do nothing. Status quo.

We call him being in the "fog." He cannot see the forest for the trees, past the end of his own nose. The lights are on but nobody is home.

This man is different than the husband (H) you have always known and loved. He is the WH right now. He babbles in nonsense. He is in the fog.

Normal talking and communicating does not work while he is foggy. That is why it is important to learn about the concepts here on the MB site, by reading. So that you can decide which plan you need, what that plan entails, and how to get started.

And there are lots of people who have been there, done that, here to guide you.

Yes, there is hope. No, do not give up. No, you are not in a hopeless situation.

The ultimate goal is to help you to become stable. How is your health? Have you seen a doctor? Lost lots of weight? Unable to sleep? Have panic/anxiety attacks? Depression?

As you read other posts here, you will see that as well as you having common symptoms and issues, your WH is basically following a "script."

After a while, you could possibly predict his behavior! Isn't that kind of scary, kind of reassuring?

Anyway, you are in a great place. Vent here, post here, read here.

Take care of you and learn learn learn.

SS

I'm sorry you're here, and welcome. You'll find loads of information and support here. You'll see situations very similar to yours, and people are going through it at the same time, some are ahead, but we are all in better places for ourselves.

Right now understand you've been hurt and betrayed in a way like no other. Make NO decisions, just take some time. Come here and vent, let this be your sounding board, and your rock.

Like other posters have told you, he's deep in a FOG right now, and it's running havoc with his emotions. One thing I recently told my WH is that I'm sorry he's going through such a difficult time, but I know it's his issue to deal with, in his own way, in his own time, and I'm here if he needs to talk. That spoke volumes to him. Of course not enough, but one day at a time. One day at a time.

Remember, every day you STAY in Plan A, is noticable to your WH. It will serve as a strength builder for you, and you'll find comfort and rewards for yourself in your own efforts.