This Wendsday I just got the truth that my W was having an affair with OM. It was like pulling teeth to get the truth out of her but she finally told me in the morning after I called her friend at work who she put in the middle of our situation. I tried to hate my wife so much when she told me but I couldn't do it. I love her so much. So I came to this sight to get some info on Surviving infedelity. I did a whole bunch of soul searching and reading of this site, especially about the giver and taker in people. She came over Wendsday night to talk, so I started out by apologizing for a few things I said in the morning that I shouldn't have, I was angry, hurt, and upset. Then I said I was sorry that we put ourselfs in the situation that we are in currently. I told her I was sorry for not meeting her emotional needs like I should have, and that I'm not taking all the blame, and explained that she should have came to me and told me what emotional needs of her's I wasn't meeting. I did this to be the giver just to see if she would give back or just take. Well she gave back and said she was sorry. I'm not sure if that is a lot to give or not but at least she didn't take. We laughed a little when I told her that I don't mean to make her cry and she said "I'm making you cry" then we laughed. She is seeing a guy from work who is going through a divorce with his wife right now, the worst part is that my wife is staying with him and I feel I have no chance as long as she is living with him. I asked my W to think about our relationship a little more before going through a divorce. I want to think she feels bad cause I changed to locks out on the house and I told her she started to cry and I also told her I got my own bank account now she cried over that too, and she told me that I needed to get my own account. After our talk and before my wife left she said she couldn't make any promises about coming back, and I told her I respect that. I'm just having a hard time dealing with the fact that she is living with the OM. I want to be paitent and not call her but it's so hard. Any advice would be great Thank You

John, I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is really enfuriating to see that these things happen. How long has she been with that &*$#@ and did she leave when you found out? Have you considered talking to the OM's supervisors and let them know what kind of person they have working for him? Have you told the OM's wife? I bet it will not help him when she tells the judge that he was having an affair and that he broke a marriage.
In the mean time, read a lot, stay busy and find things to do to keep your mind off the situation. It is a living hell and is very painful.

The fact that they are living together may help them break up. The fantasy world will be over. In the meantime, stick with Plan A and post here. You will get lots of support.

She left me on Feb 11th and told me she was staying at her female friend from work, which was a lie. I'm not going to go to her supervisor to say anything cause I don't want to push her away from me I Love my wife dearly, and I feel if I told supervisors at work she would not think about coming back at all.

John,

Some books to read while you're waiting for things to sort themselves out. #1 is Surviving An Affair. You can buy it from the bookstore on this website. It comes quicker from here than from places like Amazon.

Also from this site you can get the books His Needs, Her Needs, & Give & Take.

Then the Harley's recommend "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. That book may not be available on this website but it really talks in depth about work affairs.

I'm impressed with how grounded you sound, but I'm sure it's partly due to the shock you feel about what's happened. Read, read, read on this website.

This board doesn't get as much action as GQII and the Recovery Board. Read what you can on both.

THe weekends are a little quiet around here, but there are so many wonderful supportive people here who know EXACTLY how you feel. But, you're off to a good start.

Remember to minimize Love Busters, because Steve Harley says #1 rule is Safety 1st; meaning that it's your responsibility to make sure that your wife is safe from love busters from you. See the general section for the list of most frequently abused love busters.

Blessings, CSue