WH and I just got into a heated debate about his EA....up until this morning he had denied this EA that began in early December. He just yelled at me that he ended it before it got too far (he had planned a weekend getaway with her in January that he cancelled at the last minute, but still had contact with her on cell phone, e-mail, chat, & IM )and stormed out of the house. I assume that anger is a part of a WS when the A is finally admitted? I did tell him before he stormed out that all I had ever wanted was the truth, and that I appreciated that he was truthful with me. He just snarled back "Well I'm so F-ing glad you're happy now!" Soo, where do I go from here? And how long should I expect him to be so angry?

DianaK

DianaK
Sorry that you need to be here but MB is the best spot for all parties involved in affairs (A).

Weekends are slow around here. People usually wait until weekdays to post. So much for productivity in American businesses. LOL.

Read all you can from Harley up on the main web site. Remember that everyone on this board are a bunch of amateurs who can just give opinions and relate their situations with similarities to yours.

I caught my W w/evidence of an EA. Later realized it probably had been PA at least once.

Harley has written about EA's. People suggest his "Survivng An Affair". Bc I thought my W was having an EA I bought and read Shirley Glass' "Not Just Friends"

Most MBers will tell you that your H will be in withdrawal from the other woman (OM) for at least several months. Read about no contact (NC). Recovery from withdrawal doesn't really start until NC is in place. Any renewed contact will set him back in his recovery process.

Of course he blames you. He's in what we call the Fog. He rationalizes that he was just in this relationship for some reason or other. Read about Meeting a Spouses Needs. She was meeting some of his needs ie ego, conversation etc.

Give more info on your situation. IE Who is OW? Is she married? How does he know her? Co-worker? Neighbor?

More people will post. Relax for what else can you do? You can't control him. Just Plan A so that he realizes what a truely great woman he's married to.

cwmac

<small>[ March 13, 2004, 10:07 AM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

His behavior is normal (for a WS). He probably won't stay mad for very long. Just stay in Plan A. He will be back.

Background...he met OW on a recovery chat room online in early December. She's married and has 3 kids. I think what happened is because they are both recovering addicts that they had a 'bond' that the H and I don't, since I've never been a substance abuser. So this is the common ground they used to develop their relationship. I talked to H on the phone earlier...he's still very angry, saying stuff like he's a lousy husband, man, etc and is tired of everyone pointing out his failures to him, and that if I bring up the OW to him that he's going to leave me...that he's tired of all my 'crap'. I told him the only reason I brought OW up was because up until this morning he had been lying to me about their relationship, and all that I wanted was the truth so that we could rebuild our marriage. Then he said "I bet you'll be throwing this in my face 25 years from now" He also asked if I told our pastor or anyone else about his A, and I told him that I hadn't. I told him NO ONE knows about this except me, him, & God (and of course the OW), and that is the truth. He told me he's all stressed out and can't go on like this, that he's tired of us fighting, etc. H and I had arranged a marriage retreat with our church that is going to be the end of April. Of course now H is saying "Oh I bet you can't wait til the retreat to blast me with this in front of everyone from church...and if you do I'll sooo leave your a**!" I know that comment was to use threats to keep me from exposing his A to the church because he's a deacon and holds other positions of authority there. Anyway, I am going to read up on Plan A, and I also will be praying a lot that my WH's temper subsides.

DianaK

Yes start with Plan A. I don't know what it is with these church guys, they are dropping like flies. I just found out that one of the pastors in our church has been having an affair. It was completely shocking. He has a wonderful wife, and two young boys. Of course he is no longer a pastor. So he lost his wife, his family, his job and his home. And his main ministry is "young marrieds". Figure that one out.

That's one of the sad parts of an A. The WS knows it's wrong, and when they are found out try to manipulate the situation so people don't find out (that includes you). BUT, when you read about Plan A, one of the first things to do is expose the A...tell OWH, his family, friends. And yes, if it comes up in the M retreat (can't see it not) bring it up there. He is trying to control this situation and not feel the consequences...

Read about Lovebusters and Emotional needs. The other part of Plan A is to eliminate ALL LB's and begin to fulfill his top EN's. Take the EN questionnaires (both of you).

Don't let him bully you into thinking this is YOUR fault...yes, you have a big part to play in the troubles in your M, but it is his choice to start an R with another woman that is his part (and ultimately consequences). It's not your job to keep their dirty little secret.

DK,
I guess WS come in all shapes & sizes including substance abusing, chat room lurking, swear words using deacons of churches. Believe I have plenty of skeletons in my closet as well. I like the grapes way too much.

Anyway....based upon his current attitude towards you, I would try to avoid having many if any "relationship talks" for awhile. You'll want to since you're the BS and he being the typical WS will want to avoid at all costs.

So give him some room and Plan A like crazy!!!

Also he made some accusations about your future behavior. Are they in line with pre-A behavior or his perception of it?? If not he's probably projecting to you the way that he would react if the roles were reversed.

What was pre-A relationship like?

cwmac

We had a very good pre A relationship. We were always very close and communicated a lot. That's how I knew something was up when he suddenly turned distant and angry towards me. He also was on the computer constantly and would close windows whenever I walked by, or would get angry with me if I saw something that was in an open window before he got to close it. He also changed the passwords on his computer and e-mail, and the password to get into the detailed cell phone bill online. I think he's projecting his perceptions/fears about his A being disclosed on me. I know he is also afraid that his A will be disclosed to the church, and he knows that the church members would take disclipine action against him (ie-removing him as deacon, etc) I talked to him again earlier, and he told me that he loves me and is sorry that he hurt me. He also said that he is committed to us and our marriage. I don't plan on bringing up any relationship talks for awhile because I know that would just make him blow a fuse right now. Frankly I'm tired of the fighting and his yelling anyway for one day!

DianaK

Sorry you need to inform church people right away. Don't let WH escape the consequences of his wrong behavior. That may nip the A in the bud.

On the situation above that I talked about, the pastor just told everyone in church that his wife left HIM. There was lots of gossip going around that she was having an A. Then people started blaming her, criticizing her, and feeling sorry for him. He did nothing to correct them.

What a shock to find out it was him. Now the church people are working with him, and he is apparently very contrite.

DianaK

Let me join the others in a welcome to the MarriageBuilders forus. There is no better place to find than these forums, in a time of need, when an affair has been discovered.

You've already received some great advice. I'll try not to repeat, but throw in my two cents worth.

You may want to consider either individual counseling or marriage counseling to help you through this. Either way, take care to get a pro-marriage counselor.

You may be just at the tip of the iceberg. Wayward Spouses (WS) are often reluctant to "give it all up", and you may find out much more about the A as time goes on. Be prepared for this.

Reading Surviving an Affair is a must. You will learn how not to trust your instincts on how to proceed, as often they will be wrong. Plan A should be fully understood and executed very well, to expedite ending the A and beginning the recovery. I would recommend that you simply live with WH in "peaceful coexistance" until you have learned about Plan A.

You will find yourself on an emotional rollercoaster for a while, and you might consider seeing your Dr. for some antidepressant meds to help you stay steady through the first few months of your "new journey".

Congratulations for finding MB. You are off to a good start in finding your way through all of this.

God Bless

SD

Just an update...later in the day on D-Day, WH called and had us made dinner reservations and also reservations at a local comedy club. When he came home he gave me 2 dozen roses that had a card with it that read "I will always love you". We had a wonderful time. Yesterday we went to church and we went out to lunch with our pastor, his wife, and several other people from church. I haven't brought up any relationship conversations all weekend. Last night while we were watching television he turned to me and said "Are we going to be okay? Do you still love me and want to be with me?" I told him yes I love him and want to stay with him. Soooo, that's where things stand right now. The calls and e-mails to and from the OW have seemed to have stopped completely, and the WH has been very loving and attentive towards me..and for the first time in a long time that love and attention feels sincere.

DianaK

Sorry that you are here, but it's a good place to be.I don't usually respond because I don't feel qualified- I'm fairly new here.Your story sounded similar enough that I wanted to answer.My WH had a EA and tried to make it a PA.When I first confronted him without proof he became very angry and I ended up feeling guilty.He then went on to say that we didn't talk or spend time together and he missed that. We did go out together and made love every night for 2 weeks until I found definite proof.He lied about who she was and when I didn't buy it he finally admitted he "tried" to have an affair. He was sorry and ashamed and didn't want to lose me.etc---. So, at first he tried anger, then tried to "make it up" to me by words and actions. I know you came here for advice, and I don't mean to be negative, and hope he is sincere. From my own experience and from reading here and reading SAA, I have come to realize that they will tell you and do anything so that you will stop asking questions and you get a false sense of security. Please read SAA asap and read as much as you can here.Until I read SAA, I didn't realize what he was going through.
Keep posting and read. read. read.

Another update. WH sent a NC e-mail to the OW and I had not even asked him to. (yes I saw the e-mail and it was indeed sent to her) He then told me how sorry he was that he had hurt me, and that I am the most important thing in his life, and that he hopes that I can forgive him for what he's done to me. He said that our marriage is his priority, and that he will never let anything or anyone ever come between us again. This was an EA that never became a PA, as the OW lives in another state, but it went on from early December until just recently. I pray that we will have a successful reconciliation, and that the OW will stay out of our lives.

DianaK