where should I start?! My husband and I met online. He has a daughter with OW way before we met. I also have a daughter from a previous relationship. I did a K1 visa for him so that he can come to US and get married here. Both of us were not in relationship with any other person when we became serious. I was able to get him to US. It was his first time in a different country than his own. Life here is different and so I imagine he went through culture shock. Not even a month of him being here he decided he wanted to go back to his country the day after we got married and after I told him I was pregnant. All this is recent. It happened in February. He got so desperate to leave that he contacted his ex to see if she would help him go back. He told me lies to see if I would throw him out and finally buy his ticket to leave. In the end I gave up, he was so desperate and all I did was cry and cry, I bought him the ticket to leave, we had sort of reconcilled at that time. He said he wanted to come back but better prepared: with a bit of money and knowing more english. His family got very upset with him that he did this and they give him a hard time about it, they still do (he lives with his parents now).

When he went back to his country, he saw her and he said it moved him to see her the way she was because of his fault (she suffers from sugar, diabetes I guess?), but supposedly she had hopes to get back with him and when she saw he left the country she got like that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ...so he got back with her.

I've been hurting so much since all this happened. I cry and cry, I don't eat right and I can't sleep. I cancelled school for now because I can't concentrate on it. I've thought of getting an abortion. I've tought of taking him and his family out of my life for good. How could I love a person like this? I still love him, but I have to bring myself not to after all he's done to me. Being pregnant complicates things.

I have spoken to him and he regrets what he did. Now he tells me I should have not bought him the tickets. He said he wants to come back. He wants to take responsibility for the baby and he wants to try to come back into my life again slowly. He says he want's to do things right this time. and ok this is fine with me, but right now he is still with OW. This OW told him not to have contact with me anymore, but he says he would not do that even if he has to lie to her, which is what he is doing now. He says he wants to take OW out of her family's house and at least leave her in a home of her own. He told me that with her it's not worth to try to fix the past. According to him she still needs to mature. I asked him if they have sexual relations and he says yes, that her body drives him crazy, but that he knows it's not love. Well at least he's honest, but it hurts like hell. I hurt so bad and I don't know how he expects to want to try things again with me when he comes back when right now he is with her and he is not leaving her just yet. He says that right now he is letting her have her way. They fight and she's treating him bad, but that he's waiting. It seems to me that he's using her? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I don't know. They don't live together. He lives with his parents, but everyone puts him down for what he did. This woman is not allowed to call or even go by his house because the family dislikes her, which in turn bothers her and is cause for fights with him too.

He told me I'm sorry, that he didn't mean to do that and I didn't deserve it. I always treated him right. He begs for me to give him an opportunity when he gets back, which will be around summer. It just burns me.. How does he expect me to accept that right now he is with her and that when he comes here he wants to "fix" the damage he made.

I have just told him that if he wants papers (immigration) that we can do this as business that way he doesn't have to lie to me (I know this is wrong, but we have a child coming and in a way it would help me financially at least). I'm afraid that he might have been lying just to come back, but he told me...if you want it like that fine, but I'm still going to try things with you. He told me it may be hard to believe but that he still loves me. I can't understand this though. How can you love someone and be with another person? I makes it hard for me to believe that he does in fact still love me.

I hurt so much. I don't know what to do or think.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ March 14, 2004, 09:56 AM: Message edited by: FlorDeLuz ]</small>

Welcome, but I'm sorry you're here.

It sounds like your WH is very confused right now.

Try reading the information on the home page. It will help you think things more clearly.

Your baby was conceived in love, don't ever doubt that. It's a part of you and the love you had for your WH. Don't let the fade away. Reach out for strength.

The information here, will be useful to you, and the support is unmatched. Hopefully it will bring you to a better place.

Can I ask what country he is now back to ?

I hope you will not even think about getting an abortion. You can do this.

How long was he in this country? What country is he from? It probably was culture shock that added to the problem. It is good that OW is LB'ing - that will drive him away.

In the meantime, start reading everything here about Plan A. That is where you should be. Yes, you are at the painful part right now, but it will get better. Stick with us and we will help you through this.

He's from Dominican Republic. He got to US on February 6 and left February 29. Not long, but he was in the house most of the time when I was at work. It's hard to find a job right away and all the other stuff. It all takes time. Everyone told him that but he felt bad. He said he felt like I was the man in the house. His friend of many years told me that he got confused with how he was feeling (homesick) and what he felt for me.

I've read information in this site in the past, but never had to read on how to deal with things when it goes wrong. So plan A? I will read on it and do what I can. I just need support I know. I feel alone and oh! so hurt.

Thank you so much for your words and responding.

I'm not going to get an abortion. I thought about it strongly at one point, but I know I will regret it and I don't know if I could live with myself if I did that.

I will share something with you that I never tell anyone. Eighteen years ago I was in an abusive relationship. I had 2 little boys and my H beat me. One time he beat me when I was pregnant and that night I had a miscarriage.

I was a stay at home mom and was completely hopeless. I finally got offered my old job back as a pipefitter. I was so happy because my kids had even gone without food. Well, I found out I was pregnant again. I felt like I had no choice but to get an abortion, even though it was against by beliefs. So I did.

That was 18 years ago. Everyone talks like abortion is no big deal. However I have thought about that child for the last 18 years, almost daily. I still have a good job, and a happy family, but a part of my soul is gone.

I was also in an abusive relationship. The father of my daughter. I left that relationship. I know it's hard.

What you just mention is why I'm afraid of doing that. It is something you never forget.

There is always a way. I know that now. At the time I was frightened and alone. Please keep posting here and we will help you through this.

Also you need to take care of you right now. No one else will do it. When I first found out about my WH's A, I promised myself that I would take care of me. It gave me some comfort.

Believer hugs to you! thank you for sticking and posting back. It helps. I know you are right about me taking care of myself. Lately, I've been just so hurt that I haven't been able to do just that. I know I need to get myself back up.

I read what Plan A and Plan B are, but I don't know how you go about plan A. Is there a specific article that tells you dos and donts?

Plan A is to show him what a good wife you can be. It includes to lovebusters, or disrespectful judgements. Each time you talk to him be upbeat and cheerful. Tell him you want your marriage to last. Do not talk about OW.

It is difficult to do when you are hurting, but necessary. Stick with us and keep reading and posting. Things will get better, it is just miserable at first.

Please take care of yourself and your daughter. I started exercising, forcing myself to eat right, joined a women's support group, cleaned the house sparkling, did the yard, went to church, went out with friends, etc. At first you will not feel like doing these things. But when you do, you will get some of your self-esteem back.

Oh I wish I could get myself to exercise, but I just feel nauseous. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

You know sometimes I think about him and I ask myself if it's worth it. He didn't know how to value me and honestly it killed me when he said her body drives him crazy. He sounds like a male slut.

I don't know how to go about Plan A if we don't live together and he's very far away...and you are right. It's difficult, I'm very hurt. I don't understand how he plans to "fix" things with me when he comes back, but in the meantime he's having his fun with OW. I don't know if I can forgive him. At times I think I should just do Plan B and avoid him (we communicate through internet).

Yuck! All This makes me sick. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Flor,
Like I've been reminded many times over, Plan A isn't for your WH it's for you. It will change the way you see things.

Inevitably, you may find you things about yourself you didn't know.

The best piece of advice I can off you now is to Let Go and Let God. If it's meant to be, he'll see to it. We're told that God doesn't give us more then we can handle, and the pain and betrayal of all this leaves you no choice but to put it in his hands.

Keep your spirits up, as hard as it may seem right now, take care of yourself, and find peace within yourself.

Don't fight your feelings, just don't react to them. That's a hard thing as well, but you'll find some inner strength.

Hope you're feeling well.

From your message what catches my attention is

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't fight your feelings, just don't react to them. That's a hard thing as well, but you'll find some inner strength.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Trying not to react to my feelings is going to be difficult...I know, but I know you are right.

I feel lost. I don't know how to react with or what to tell him. It seems as though he wants to get away with being with her now while he is over there, but then he really wants to try things with me when he comes back to US. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I'd prefer he tell me that he is going to leave her because he wants to try things with me when he comes back.

I don't know where to stand.

<small>[ March 15, 2004, 01:15 PM: Message edited by: FlorDeLuz ]</small>

I know exactly how you feel Flor.
I can't seem to get my act together myself.
I'm constantly making mistakes.
I'm trying SO hard to leave this in God's hands but it's SO hard.
I want to get away from this never ending PAIN so bad.
What happened to me, what did I do to deserve this.
We ask ourselves that over and over, and it just doesn't seem to get better.
All my mind keeps telling me is if I stop the cycle, at least there's an end to it. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What happened to me, what did I do to deserve this.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I ask myself that continously and I try to see if I have done something to deserve this.

It's difficult. Very difficult.

My WH and I spoke yesterday. In the conversation, I let him know that I was going out that night. He began questioning me: with who, where. I was hesitant to tell him. I asked him why he wanted to know. He said because I'm still his wife. JAA!!!! What a joke! Can you believe that? I then went on to say that I don't ask him any questions like that. WH: You don't ask. ME: When I did ask you didn't like it, so I stopped asking. WH: That was in the past, but I tell you everything about me. So we went on to tell each other what we did during the weekend. He told me he went out with her and they fight a lot. WH: I have no choice. If I was working I would have money to go out on my own, but since she invited I went. If I had a job now I would be calm.

He does say he misses everything over here. He told me things about me and his life here that he missed. He said he wants to come back so bad. I just don't understand why he won't leave her until he waits for his paperwork to go through for him to come back.

Last night I got home early and I found him online waiting for me and he left me messages. "When you can please connect to yahoo (messenger)....my understanding chica I'll never find another one like you ...really mmmmuuuuaaaaa (that's a kiss)" The other message was him asking for me to send him pictures when he was here to calm him and remember. Although I saw him online(I was under invisible mode), I did not sign on. I wanted him to know that I I'm still going to go out and have a life and I didn't have to get home early.

This morning, he asked how it went. He asked me to keep in touch with him and let him know anything that happens whether it's good or bad (I think he means if I fall in love with someone else). He also said to stay connected on yahoo messenger....geezz he is selfish, now I'm supposed to stay online waiting for him?

I started looking for the book surviving an affair but they didn't have it at the stores. In the meantime, I have to figure out how to behave...what's ok to say and what is not ok. I want to say to him so bad...leave her, why are you with her if you are feeling this way. Sometimes I feel he is trying to have us both at the same time. I want to tell him he is being selfish if that is what he is trying to do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

betrayed: I have to go, but I wanted to tell you that you have been strong and a good woman/wife. My heart goes out to you.