Wow, the last 24 hours have been so emotionally exhausting.

Talked to WW around lunchtime yesterday, and she pretty much indicated we were done.

I left work early to digest that distressing bit of news. By the time I got home, she had sent me an email. I'll include that here.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't know how difficult our conversation this afternoon was for me. I do love you, and I do care about how you feel. I can't have lived with you for seven yars and be completely devoid of any feelngs for you - they just aren't the same feelings a wife has for her husband, instead, they are the feelings of a friend to a friend. I know this is very difficult for you, too. I hate hurting you like this, but I also hate the thought of being in a loveless marriage. You deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them. It's not fair to you that I don't return your love as strongly as you give it to me. I don't want us to end up hatin geach other, and that's what I'm afraid will happen in the long run, when resentments grow.

I hate this most of all because of DD(3)and DD(12). They are my world and I can't imagine the confusion DD(3) will feel when mom or dad aren't there all the time. We are both excellent parents and I think that with a lot of work and cooperation between us, both girls will adjust just fine. I also firmly believe that staying together for the kids is a very bad idea. Yes, it hurt when my parents divorced, but I was glad they did, too. The tension in the house vaporated when they separated. I don't know if you've noticed, but the tension in our house has been pretty heavy lately, and DD(12) is definitely reacting to it.

Here is my proposal to you - I know we've already discussed this once, but you later decided it wouldn't work. I'll offer it again. Let me move out for six months, minimum, with no other motive than to separate from each other and give both of us a chance to get our brains in order. I think that to discover if I can love you again I have to be away from you. being around you all the time merely reminds me of all the reasons I don' t love you any more, despite the wonderful efforts you have made this past week. The efforts have been noticed, and appreciated. I will give us six months to attempt reconciliation and just see how things work with us apart. After six months we will re-evaluate us and see where things stand. Honestly, I really, really don't want to rush into a divorce without trying. I can, and will, try, but I think being apart will do us a world of good, no matter what the final result may be. I don't want to just give up on us without at least trying, I really don't, but I also don't want to lead you on and then just break your heart all over again if things don't work out.

I don't say any of this lightly, this isn't an overnight realization, or even a past year realization, I have been thinking about this for a very, very long time. That is probably why I seem so cold and uncaring to you. It's not that I don't care, I've just had so much more time to deal with these emotions than you have had.

We will talk more tonight, rationally, no yelling, no sarcasm, complete honesty about everything. I just wanted to get my thoughts and feelings out before we do sit down and talk.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then she calls me to tell me she got a call from DD(12)'s school teacher. Appearantly a classmate saw marks on DD(12)'s arm and told the teacher. WW left work, and we picked up DD(12) and took her to the emergency room. They determined she's not suicdal, merely having a hard time coping with what's going on. Took her to family doctor this morning and agreed, but recommended a professional. Got her first appointment scheduled for 15 Apr.

We still had our talk last night, and it was as she promised, calm, cool, and collected. No insults or sarcasm. She can't promise that she'll fall in love with me, but she's willing to see if it can happen. There's just so much that needs to be worked on, that I don't see how it can be down seperated.

I'm off on Mondays, so every Monday will be a lunch date. We'll plan a night during the week where we can do something for just us. Saturday is Girls Day out, and Sunday will be family doing something.

I figure this is all she is willing to do at this point. I think pushing any farther, and I'll just lose her forever. Have counseling session number 2 today, I'm sure all of this will be addressed.

Oh yeah, started the morning around 5am when I began passing a kidney stone. So, yesterday completely sucked, and then this morning I'm in the hospital with an IV in my arm and happy juice flowing through my veins.

I'm still extremely upset over this whole thing, but it looks like we're dealing with this without all the LB's. I'd like to think it's a step forward. I guess I'll know in 6 months if I'll be stepping forward with WW or just me.

<small>[ March 25, 2004, 10:37 AM: Message edited by: RWukovich ]</small>

Dear Rwukovich
I am so sorry your going through this mess.My heart aches for you because I'm dealing with the same problem.Is this other man in CO. if so it may be my H.Sorry. Every word you've said I can relate to,your fears,your suspisions.This is a very hard situation because you never know when they are talking especially on the phone.My situation has been so similar.My H started chatting with people about 2 years ago when he was arrested for a domestic violence situation.My kids (3 daughters)and I moved to my dads house for 3 months.Within this time my H had 4 sexual affairs, three of which he met on-line.When I came back he acted like nothing happened but then after I moved back that's when he told me what happened but he only told me minimal things learned more later.He still chatted with them all the time.I've supported our family now for many years so every day he sat home and chatted all day until he went to bed.He has even left me and the children to visit them.I've heard all the lines too.He loves me but he's not in love with me.But in my case I've done nothing wrong.I've waited on him hand and foot since the day we got married (18 yrs ago).I can look back now and see how well I've taken care of him.I even asked him what is it that he's not getting out of our relationship.He said you give me everything,your my friend,I have sex when ever,you never complain or nag about things.He told me that it wasn't me that's the problem but it's him.I've done nothing but love him.He sits and chats until we go to bed.We don't snuggle anymore,he doesn't touch me like he used to but mainly we don't communicate he's too busy on his computer.Last summer he started another affair.He would chat with her on msn while I was cooking dinner.The tourcher of watching him and hear him laugh sometimes, broke my heart.I wanted to know what they were saying to each other.Then he started leaving the house when I got home.He'd kiss me and walk out the door and not come home until late at night.I found out that they were talking on cell phones now and he would park his car somewhere and talk to her and take pictures of himself and e-mail them to her,he'd sit at his computer and play music and all the love songs while he was chatting with her and I'd be in bed crying my eyes out .He flew out to meet her well you can guess the rest.I picked him up at the airport and he couldn't even look at me,he kissed the girls on the top of the head and stuck his hands in his pockets and said hello to me. No hugs or anything.I was crushed,we drove home in silence except for the kids talking in the back seat.I know your frustration.I wanted to scream.The games my H has played with my emotions is so cruel.When we got home he wanted me to sit down and watch and look at his pictures of his trip and of course she was in them.He even had a movie.I couldn't stand it,I walked away while the kids looked with him.I couldn't believe how he didn't care how it made me feel,he didn't care.After his second trip she broke it off with him and went back with her husband.My H was hearbroken.But I was there to dry his tears and to talk to him.He was so cold with me like I had done something wrong.Anyway I think my H up to his same old tricks again.Again another summer right around the corner.I can't do this again.He chats with other people now but I think he's interested in someone in Canada now.He got an USAirways flyer in the mail yesturday so I'm sure he's been on line checking on prices.He did mention to me 2 weeks ago how he'd like to go fishing in Canada some year.He want to take trips this year and go fishing and camping by himself at times.I can't trust him.He's too deceitful.His friends on line don't know he's married.I found out that I'm either his roommate or his X-wife.Our daughter (16) over heard a phone conversation he had when I was out one day.I truely hope your wife is being sincere with you and not playing you like I feel my H doing.I have to get back to work now.God bless you and your family.It does affect everyone not just you and her.Take care

I have also been down this cyber road. One of the suggestions that was given to me was to cut WH off the internet. You have a right not to have this kind of destruction in your home. Clearly your wife's behavior is hurting the entire family.

I locked my H out of the computer, took away his admin powers and changed his password and he got extreemly threatening. So much so that I gave in and let him have his computer back. I also sent his butt out the door as he made his priorities very clear.

I don't think it is wrong to refuse the A to happen in your home. The kids do understand more than your wife thinks they do. I'm not sure locking her off the computer is the right thing to do for you but it let me know very quickly how far into this addiction my WH had gone. I realized I couldn't control his addiction.

If she does move out will the children stay with you? I would make sure they do if possible. If she wants to leave don't make it easy for her. If the OM is more important than her family then the kids should stay in their own home. She is wrong that all will be ok fo them as your D has already shown. Does she see that? Sounds like she wants to be out of the house so she can do what she wants when she wants. Have you shown her MB?

I found a great book at a christian book store called "Your Marriage and the Internet" by Thomas Whiteman, PhD and Randy Petersen. It really makes this computer problem clear. I read and reread it several times.

I'm glad you aren't leaving. I will be praying for you and your children and that her fog lifts. {{{{{hug}}}}}}}}

RW

I am so sorry to hear you arent feeling well but hope by now it's going better. Also I'm very sorry to read about your wife and the things she said indicate she is still deeeeep in the fog and thinks she's so in love with the OM ..

As I and others here have been telling you, you must let the OMW know what is going on. The way things are going it seems this might be your only hope at this point. If she gets angry does it really matter? If it ends the affair it will be worth her anger and in the end your marriage might survive.. I think this is your best chance.. also please continue MC..

So are you ready to call the OMW yet?

Take care and know all of us here support you..Hope you are feeling better soon too.

Hugs
LMH

Thank you everyone for sharing, caring, and providing input. Unfortuneatly, the books provide useful information, but my situation doesn't seem to be cooperating.

I can't stop her from leaving, but as she indicated, she's giving me a chance. I'm just not sure how half hearted a chance it is.

Counseling was last night. Basically filled out some sort of seperation contract talking about how we are to handle the next 6 months. So far, all I see is how beneficial this is for her to completely remove herself from me. This does nothing for me.

WW was talking about personal bankruptcy due to she can't afford to move out on her own and pay for car and insurance. Obviously, if somehow we manage to pull this together, I wouldn't want her bankruptcy hanging over us. Since the goal of our counselling is a happy reconciliation, the counsellor asked if I could continue paying for her car and insurance. Obviously this requires her to trust me.

After what I thought was an ok day, Here's an email she sent to OM last night that I saw this morning:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey darlin'! Good to hear from you! So wish[ I could have been online tonight for a whole lot of lovin'! You know I'm always up for lots of that! *gri. and a whole lot of really good conversation with my favorite sexy satyr.Couseling today went surprisingly well. I was actually very surprised at how good I felt walking out of that office this afternoon We talked to her about separating, and she agreed it was a good idea. So, we did that separation contract thing, basically laying down some ground rules for the separation so we both understand what is expected of the other person as far as finances, the kids, time together, etc. etc. go. It was good. I went to the gym afterwards and worked my [censored] off then, as I'm driving out to the barn to take care of Star, I started imagining how nice it will be when I'm heading to my own place. You have no idea how much I am looking forward to a little alone time. Some things he didn't like very much, but agreed to anyway. I limited him to one phone call a day to my work, because he's been going overboard on the calls lately, and I put my foot down on the sex thing, which he absolutely hated. I told him it just clouds the issue, and right now, it's probably not a very good idea for us to hop into bed every time one of us is feeling horny.Yeah, I'm absolutely, painfully aware of how tough it's gonna be, but I am still looking forward to it. Does that make me a bad mom, for looking forward to a little bit of time away from my girls, too? Definitely feeling guilty about that part!sultry smile I missed you today sweetheart, but definitely felt you with me every step of the way. Thank you! Well, I'm going to go ahead and get some sleep. I'm absolutely exhausted. It's amazing how much more exhausted I feel after a day of riding the emotional rollecoaster! ****, I'm less tired after running five miles than I am after having my emotions revved in high gear for awhile I will talk to you tomorrow.*My skin warms under your touch, little goosebumps along my sides as you touch me most lovingly, my heart racing with love and desire for you. delightfully car*Good night and sweet dreams, my love, my soul will be out there in dreamland tonight, loving yours with all of the passion I have.Jen, my lips softly tasting yours, my fingers exploring you, learning you, wanting you with every fiber of me</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">see? how can I compete with that? I just want to throw in the towl. This is the kinda of stuff that makes me sick to my stomach.

<small>[ March 26, 2004, 10:22 AM: Message edited by: RWukovich ]</small>

RW

When will you tell the OM's wife??? You have agreed to help her with her finances so she can move out?

She only cares to be with the OM even in a long distance relationship..she is so in the fog of this addiction ..How far will it go..will he leave his family for her? I bet not and especially if his wife finds out..

I dont think you will be able to stop her if you dont find the strength to tell her you wont help her move out..by helping with finances.. I dont know why your counselor told you this was a good idea.. just doesnt add up to me but you will do what you want.

I just hate seeing you treated like a doormat..

When will you call this guys wife???

You need to do something different ..whatever you are doing isnt working..

I feel bad for you but you allow this to go on with no consequences and she gets her way if you help pay her bills...makes it easy for her to move out on ya.. dont you see that????

Maybe its time to get a little angry and stop allowing her bs..reading what she wrote to him was really sickening.. I cant believe you continue to enable her.. I'm sorry I just feel a little upset for you that she is getting away with this..it really shows how selfish she is..her lack of remorse towards you is amazing.

I wish you the best,
Lmh

LMH
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When will you tell the OM's wife??? You have agreed to help her with her finances so she can move out?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will tell OMW just as soon as I have the contact info, that's all I'm waiting on.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She only cares to be with the OM even in a long distance relationship..she is so in the fog of this addiction ..How far will it go..will he leave his family for her? I bet not and especially if his wife finds out.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree, and I don't know. At counseling yesterday, she agreed there would be no sexual contact with any other person. As far as OM is conerned, he's been married for about 16 years I think, and in counseling for 5 months, at least that's what WW told me. They have kids, so I think OM might take a trip to visit, but wouldn't leave his kids.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I dont think you will be able to stop her if you dont find the strength to tell her you wont help her move out..by helping with finances.. I dont know why your counselor told you this was a good idea.. just doesnt add up to me but you will do what you want.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The counnselor believes at this point, that WW is going to try 100% to reconcile. We ran out of time yesterday, so I didn't get a chance to bring up that she intends to maintain the EB with OM. I don't want to lose my wife, but I feel confronting her and giving her an ultimatum, will only result in divorce. The counselor did mention, that we're only to work on communicating successfully with each other at this point, and that issues with the situation need to be addressed in our counseling sessions. I can't stop her from leaving, and don't want her to leave, and that was mentioned in counseling, but once again, out of my control. I also can't stop her from talking to OM, however, just as soon as I'm able, OMW will find out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just hate seeing you treated like a doormat..</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hate feeling like a doormat..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You need to do something different ..whatever you are doing isnt working..</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm doing everything I can. I've requested she show me some consideration by not calling him from our house anymore, and to limit her online time at home. She agreed to these both. I have no control of this situation. I can't make her love me, anymore than I can make her agree to NC with OM. I feel like I'm tied into a roller coaster and the breaks have gone out. I love her with all my heart, and I'll see this through to the end, whether it's bitter or sweet, I have to wait and see. I'm not just sitting on my laurels, I try to engage her in conversation every chance I get. I express my love. I express affection. I'm trying everything except getting on my knees and begging. Probably wouldn't do that anyway, she frowns on that

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel bad for you but you allow this to go on with no consequences and she gets her way if you help pay her bills...makes it easy for her to move out on ya.. dont you see that????</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I see perfectly clearly, she will leave for good if I start issuing demands and ultimatums. She'll probably leave after I tell OMW anyway. She's going to move out anyway. If I didn't agree to pay for car/insurance she'd have filed personal bankruptcy and still moved out. If there is any hope in the future for us, I don't want that hanging over us.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe its time to get a little angry and stop allowing her bs..reading what she wrote to him was really sickening.. I cant believe you continue to enable her.. I'm sorry I just feel a little upset for you that she is getting away with this..it really shows how selfish she is..her lack of remorse towards you is amazing.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm extremely angry, and right now, she is only thinking of herself. I've never felt so humble or humiliated in my whole life. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and opinions, it does help to be able to talk about this.

<small>[ March 26, 2004, 11:33 AM: Message edited by: RWukovich ]</small>

RW

I feel bad for you and yet I wonder if you are really doing everything you can. You are enabling this affair to continue. Why havent you emailed the OM and told him to stop the crap or you will be calling his W? Why do you think you should have to help pay for your wife's expenses if she moves out? Why should you care if she goes bankrupt? Why are you trying so hard not to make her mad when she is the one treating you like crap?

Her mind is in la la land and when she promised in counseling that there would be no sexual contact with any other person it had to make me wonder.. Her note to him was very intimate and suggestive (gag) and I dont believe for one second that if OM came into town she would be able to stop from having sex with him.. She is fully into fantasyland ... OM is all she knows right now..shes obsessed.. she doesnt care what she does to you or your kids ..she is soooo lost in the fog and soo in love with this fantasy guy.. Its really nauseating to read what she wrote to him..I would be livid if I were you.. Your wife shows absolutely no remorse..

I'm sorry I just dont see where you are doing anything to stop her. Youre right you havent gotten on your knees to beg but you might as well have.. you are being her doormat.. I really see this as a situation where she is out the door anyway...what have you got to lose? What is stopping you from emailing the OM and telling him what you know and that his W will know everything if he doesnt stop contacting your W..Tell him he's ruining your marriage and you intend to let his wife know everything.

I'm sorry RW.. I'm upset and this will be my last post to you.. I see her treating you so bad and you allowing it..you know she's still up to something and it continues even after you find proof..

I hope you will find the strength to stop her little game..She has alot to be ashamed of in my book..and yet you treat her like a queen.. I dont understand. If I have oversteped my boundaries I am sorry.. I will refrain from posting again...but I want to wish you the best of luck. Take care of yoursel.

LMH

WW stayed up until 3am chatting with OM. This morning I discovered she took digital pictures of herself and emailed them to her.

I immediately called her and confronted her, especially because of the state I've been in for the last 3 days.

She admitted she decided to give us a try because of what happened with DD(12). Mini wake up call? I think not, especially as the emails, chatting, and calls from work continue.

I'm at work and got notification of the emails she sent with the pictures. When I called her, she was upset, and I said she was still lying to me and deceiving me. She said I was too. I said I was doing it to try and save my marriage.

I convinced her that if she was sincere about trying to build a new beginning that she had to give up OM, and I expected her to send him an email stating such, and sending me a copy.

Guess we'll see what's next.

Well, Saturday was a complete disaster. Thought I had convinced WW to agree to NC with OM. She promptly sent him an email from her alternate email account that she thought was safe. In it, she told him to ignore the email he was going to receive on the other account.

I called her and told her I was aware of the email. I thought for sure this was the last thing that would push her completely away. Called our counselor and explained everything that happened, including stuff intentionally left out here. Saturday was possibly even worse than DDay. Counselor suggested if I still wanted to go through with this, I would need to remove the software and it would be a long, painful road.

When I got home, I tried calling my dad, but accidentally called WW's best friend.

Ended up talking to WW's best friend for awhile. Best friend seems to think we're both in the wrong, and that one of us was going to have to start being honest. I removed software while talking to WW's best friend, I figured WW hearing this from her best friend might actually convince her I'm trying.

WW came home and was so cold I might as well have been at the North Pole. She talked to Best Friend later, and things seemed to be better between us. I did end up sleeping on the couch though.

Sunday we had a family day. We went to the Butterfly House in St Louis, and took the kids on a carousel made in 1920. Lots and lots of awesome pictures.

Probably the most surprising thing about Sunday...while driving in the car I put my hand on WW's leg. She didn't move my hand, instead, she put her hand on mine and wrapped her fingers around it. That's probably the most affection she's shown me since DDay. Slept on the couch again. As I was falling asleep, she asked me out on a date. She asked if I'd like to see Hellboy with her on Friday night. Personally, I would have preferred our date night be spent somewhere else where we could interact with each other.

Monday, we had our scheduled lunch date. This may have been a very productive lunch date. WW started it off by saying OM was moving back in with his W. Appearantly their 7 year old son had been hitting mom. I asked if they were going to try and work things out. WW said yes. I asked her how she felt about that, and she said she didn't like it, but he has to do what he has to do. She didn't have to tell me any of this, not entirely sure why she did. I did ask her if she thought it would be unfair for me to request her to hold off on physically meeting OM until after our 6 month period was over and we came to the conclusion to go our seperate ways. She said it was fair for me to ask that, but she didn't answer the question.

This next part, I'm going to be a little vague, but before we got married we had a different rule set. Along the way, I decided to change the rule set. This is appearantly one of the major problems in our relationship. I spent the rest of the afternoon thinking about it. I eventually came to the conclusion I could compromise on it, but she'd have to meet me in the middle.

Talked a little bit with her about it, mostly explaining my side. I think she understood. Obviously, that will take a lot more talk, if we decide we can work things out and stay together.

Appearantly, she believes there is no more spyware on the computer because she did some chatting last night. I took some slipping pills so the typing and knowing who she was typing too wouldn't keep me awake. Not sure if this is a good point or not, but didn't have to sleep on the couch.

In our last counseling session, we were advised not to talk about the relationship, but work on communicating with each other. I seem to have a small problem avoiding that subject, but I'm getting better about it.

I think this weeks counseling will be very interesting, especially since the conversation I had with the counselor on Saturday.

I realized yesterday, my biggest hang up at this point, isn't whether or not I can forgive her, or her forgive me, but rather if I can forgive myself. Can't have any forward progression if I can't forgive myself, because then I'm just dwelling in the past instead of focusing on the new future I want to build.

Live outside a small town, and DD(3) goes to daycare in town. The town has a little fitness center there. Picked up a gym bag, and I'm going to stop by there on the way to pick up DD(3) and get a membership. It's conveinent for me. I can get into the best shape of my life, and they even have tanning next door. Who knows, I might do that a couple times. I'm trying to improve every aspect of my life, WW says it's not about physical appearance, but I think it will help my self esteem, which I seem to be in pretty short supply of these days. Well, I think that's enough for now.

I have a ritual with my DD(3). When WW comes home I pick up the DD(3) and race to the door, and we greet her.

Since DDay, anytime I try to kiss WW, she would allow me to peck her on the side of her lips.

Last night, I put my hands on both sides of her face and I kissed her full on the lips. When I leaned back, she was looking at me, I mean really looking at me. I leaned in slow and kissed her again, this time with passion. She didn't push away, but instead returned my kiss.

Not entirely sure what to make of that. I would like to think we're getting somewhere, but I have my reservations.

Just doing my best right now to not talk about our troubled marriage when I do get her to talk.

I haven't let up on my expression of love and affection. I tell her how much I lover and what she means to me several times a day. Some times she responds with I love you, mostly not. I asked her last night if that was reflex, and her response was sometimes. Once again, not sure what that means.

It feels like she might be opening up to me. It's been almost 3 weeks since this all started, and we've had our good days, and our bad days. Going to do my best to make sure today is a good day, and tomorrow as well. Next counseling is tomorrow night, and I'm sure it's going to be hard, especially since my conversation with the counselor on Saturday.

WW just called me at work. Here lately that's not something she does. She called to tell me that DD(11) stayed home from school with a stomach ache. It's nice to know, but she could have just as easily told me in an email. Her calling me when she got into work felt good.

Going to try focusing on what appears to be positive adjustments, don't want to get my stomach all worked up today.

Another good point I guess, is last night and the night before she was only online chatting with OM for about an hour and a half both nights. Last night, I woke up after she turned off everything and I decided to have a smoke. At first, she asked if I was trying to catch her talking to OM on the phone. I tried explaining, I woke up and decided to have a smoke, and turned away to go back to bed. Didn't want to have that conversation, especially if she wasn't going to believe me. She stopped me, and said I just don't normally wake up and have a smoke. I reminded her I've not been getting much sleep at all these last couple of weeks. She let it go, and joined me on the porch. Then she let me know that OM was packing to move back in with his wife.

I asked where that left them, but she didn't answer the question. I added if he's moving back in with his wife to work things out, then maybe we could focus more on us working our things out. No response to that either.

I hate this roller coaster.

When it was said there would be up days and down days, they weren't lying.

I'm having a hard time not talking about the problems with our relationship. Everytime I bring it up, it just seems to push her away more. I'll admit though, I've not talked about our problems since Saturday. I managed to make it to Wednesday night.

Once again, the perspective hasn't changed much. She doesn't consider me as friend, I'm still just an irritating roommate. The changes I've made in my life are for me, but I still have the hope they are what she would like. Appearantly I'm not far off. She doesn't feel like I've made any effort to show her these feelings in the last 4 years, and now it just makes her mad because this is how I should have been all along.

She's still moving out at the end of the month, so I'm going to do my best to not talk about relationship problems except in counseling. I'm going to try focusing on just being her friend again. My major problem is my feelings for her haven't changed. It's difficult to restrain myself from hugging her, or touching her, or trying to kiss her. I'm going to do my best to just back off and give her as much space as she wants.

Counseling tonight, I'm sure most of this will be discussed. Maybe the counselor can give me some suggestions on how to prevent overwhelming WW with my feelings. I'd also like to thing the counselor can give us some pointers on how to become friends again.

WW is scared the changes I've made are only temporary, not sure how long it'll take before she believes they are permanent. Keeping my chin up, and praying every day for the strength and courage to see this through.

Had our third counseling session last night. Not entirely sure what to make of it. Not going to go into too many details, so I'm going to cover the highlights.

WW admitted the inappropriate pictures she sent OM on Saturday was wrong. I was shocked to hear her admit this.

I need to keep working on not pushing her and not talking about our problems except in front of the counselor. Next session is next Wednesday, going to try real hard not to talk about our problems.

I indicated I've been trying very hard to work on our relationship. WW admitted she had not. She explained she's mad that I'm doing all the things I'm doing now, that I should have been doing all along. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

WW again expressed she felt she could maintain her EA with OM and work on our marriage. Counselor explained for her to be able to work on her marriage she had to give up OM. WW was not ready to make that decision last night.

WW did agree to not meet OM physically until our 6 month seperation was over AND we had decided to divorce. I'm hoping this won't be an issue, because before we go any further, she's going to have to make a choice, NC with OM, or work on marriage.

We'll be spending a good amount of time with each other over the next few days. Friday night, we're going to rent a video and hang out with the kids. Saturday, we're all going to see Scooby Doo 2. Sunday my DD(11) has B-Day party at swimming pool. And, on Monday, we have our lunch date.

I pointed out while all that is great, it really doesn't leave much time for us to have quality time with no distractions, computer, tv, or kids. She's appearantly been avoiding it. Counselor suggested we do fun things together. I think WW would rather have a root canal.

I also pointed out, that she's on the computer every night from the time the kids go to bed till 11:30 or 12:30 in the morning chatting with OM. She tried explaining she wasn't only talking with OM. It's irrelevant who else she ended up talking to, her whole purpose for being on was to chat with OM.

I said she wasn't being fair to me or to OM, because supposedly OM is trying to work things out with his BS. She needs to let him go, and work on her own problems instead of keeping OM from working on his problems.

We didn't talk to much last night, she fell asleep on the couch and didn't come to bed until 1:15 am or so.

Counselor said from this point forward we need to be open and honest. No more lies.

I'm hoping by our next counseling session that she chooses NC with OM and work on our marriage.

Guess I covered more than highlights. I'll be back tomorrow with how this evening turns out.

<small>[ April 02, 2004, 08:06 AM: Message edited by: RWukovich ]</small>

<small>[ April 15, 2004, 12:42 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

<small>[ April 02, 2004, 12:00 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

double post...sorry

RW
I'm pretty new to this site (registered today) but not new to this problem.
I've just finished reading the last 4 pages of your postings and finally feel that theres someone who understands what i've been going through for the last 5 years (possibly longer).
I found out about the online affair about 5 years ago quite by accident while doing some work on the computer, apparently she had forgot to log off the ICQ site before leaving to go on a field trip with the kids.
Anyway, the stuff I found out in the next few hours of digging through old e-mails, checking the history etc. was just too much, way too fast....I found explicit conversations, photos, you name it - I found it.

The worst part is, I really didn't think there was a problem in the marraige, we got along good, had fun together, did things together, the entire focus in my life was my wife and kids (other than work).
After I found this, I was a total wreck, physically, emotionally.....I don't think anybody really understands the pain a person goes through unless they've been there themselves.

Here we are 5 years later, still together (barely), unable to go to counselling on a regular basis as there is only 1 in the area we live, and the closest one other than that is about a four hour drive away. We have read books and talked for hours, trying to repair our relationship and have made some progress. I think for the most part the photos and chat have stopped, but she still maintains the "private/secret" e-mail accounts, which of course she denys (I found out through a keylogger program). As yourself, I dont know what to do next, the lies are nonstop, the deceit is continuous, she claims she doesn't want a divorce or separation, but still continues the BS. Anyway, I am so tired of fighting for this relationship that I basically told her:
1- I refuse to police your activities on the internet or elsewhere, you know right from wrong. 2- Do not put me in the position of a "parent-child" type relationship, you are my equal and my partner - act like it! I refuse to "check up on you" as one would an unruly teenager!
3- If you need professional help, I will go to any lengths possible to get help for you.
4- I will not and cannot control your actions! The only control I have in this situation is my REACTION.
5- Please know that I love you! But there is a limit as to what the kids and I will endure.

I guess what I finally did was put the ball in her court. I told her I would do almost anything to make this work, but the ultimate decision is hers and hers alone to quit what she is doing.
Right or wrong, I really don't know what else to do at this point.
Thanks for letting me vent here RW, I don't often get a chance to get this incredible weight off my shoulders. Good luck in your relationship and know that you are not alone in this situation as much as it feels like it right now.

Well, I'm to the point where I feel she absolutely wants out. I'm not sure why she suggested counseling. We have a seperation contract, but I think the seperation is just to say goodbye. I don't know why she's letting me think we have a chance.

I don't know, maybe she really is confused. Sure doesn't seem like it though. I'm going to see this through for as long as I can. But, once she moves out, I think she won't do anything but grow further away.

It's ok to vent here, hehe, that's what I'm using it for. I'm through most of the hurt stage, and now I'm more into the frustrating/angry stage, it still hurts, but I'm able to deal with it better I think. Regardless of what happens in the next 6 months, I will be a better person for it and it will never happen again whether I'm with WW still or someone new that can appreciate me for who I am.

I'm sorry to hear about your struggle. Kudo's for sticking it out as long as you have. At some point, we just have to sit down and decide what the right thing to do is for ourselves.

I don't want to rip my family apart, but I think that's where she's taking it. I think she feels once we seperate we'll just shuffle the kids back and forth every few days. I don't want it to come to that.

I'm feeling invisible here.. neither one of you said a word to me.. RW.. I guess its your post so I will disappear again.. you are as lost in your pain as I am I guess.. but I have tried to help you but you dont seem to be aware I'm here.. love being ignored..

LMH

Sorry, didn't mean to make you feel you were being ignored. When I posted earlier I didn't even look for new responses to my thread.

I appreciate you being able to understand what I'm going through. It's real tough, but it's not just me, it's the kids too. WW is only thinking of herself atm. She's admited it to some extent. I'm not even sure where the EA stands atm. I don't even know if what WW told me about him moving back in with his wife is true or not. All I know is how I feel right now. And I know, I'll never be able to forget the hurt she's put me through. I'm just dying for her affection, it's like I'm slowly starving to death. I just feel once she moves out, it's over. I don't even know how she's going to be able to afford living on her on. She'll practically be in poverty.

She applied for car refinancing today, and she even mentioned to me about cashing in her 401k. Just seems she's so desperate to get away. Counselor seems to think this seperation would be good for us so that our hurt can heal. Personally, I think it's just an out, and there's nothing I can do stop her.

All I know is that the more I fight to hold onto the love I feel for her, I can feel her love bank account diminishing.

I'm sorry to hear you heard from OM today. I hope you stay strong and avoid any further communication with him. You can do it.