Well, I understand the 2 facedness, but I don't like it. I guess that's the only way they can justify their actions.

WW is really grasping for things to complian about where I'm concerned.

I haven't mentioned anything about sex since the previous weekend.

Like I said before, I'm not asking, nor talking about sex where WW is concerened. Only reason I rubbed her feet was because they were hurting. I'm not as completely insensitive as WW thinks I am. I won't lie and say I wasn't becoming aroused, but all I had to do was think about all her transgressions and that problem was solved.

I managed to get the digital camera away from WW while we were at the zoo. I got a picture of WW riding on a rabbit on the zoo carousel! I'm going to post a link to it when I get it into a web space. I just want everyone to see how happy she looks.

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 12:29 PM: Message edited by: RWukovich ]</small>

Well, now this takes the cake. WW called me from her cell phone on the way home from work yesterday. Get this, she asked if I wanted to have sex last night. Now, not to appear too eager, I replied, um, yeah, sure, sounds good. She said, figured you wouldn't turn it down. I replied, last thing I want to do is turn down sex when that's one of the things she complained about.

I gave DD(3) a bath, and got stuck watching Aladdin with her until 10pm. WW was already online by this point. I put DD(3) in her own bed and went out for a smoke, WW followed, still no mention or anything about sex. Went back to my room and got online. Made a point to talk to her about what I was doing online, and that I was bored/tired of playing solitaire.

I was online a total of about an hour. From about 10:15 till about 11:17. That's when I sent a message to WW telling her good night, sweet dreams. She responded with "Already?" I replied,"it's almost 11:30". Then she says, she's working on some pics she took and chatting, but she may come down and visit me later. I said ok, sounds good, logged off and went to bed NOT holding my breath. Imagine my surprise when she shows up around 12:30.

Now I want to point out that none of this was solicited by me.

Like I said before, I haven't said anyting about sex for like a week and a half. Not to mention, what was that affair all about 2 years ago? She doesn't want to have sex just to have sex...yeah, right. When she called me and asked me if I wanted to have sex yesterday, I darn near fainted.

Individual counseling this afternoon, and this is definitly getting brought up.

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 12:30 PM: Message edited by: RWukovich ]</small>

We all know you are right. She is making up things about you to justify her bad behavior. I do think that the fact that she wants SF with you is good.

Thanks believer, I've tried to provide the facts and my opinions, not just my perspective.

Counseling yesterday was good for me. I was able to vent everything to the counselor. She felt I should have been bringing some of my issues up in counseling. I expressed, if she decides she doesn't want to stay married what's the point?

My arguement was, a vast majority of my unresolved issues can't be resolved until she makes her decision. The counselor said she got the feeling I'm just trying not to make waves. I said, she's right, the last two weeks have been awesome.

I think the counselor is now more aware to what the situation is vs. what WW leads us to believe in counseling. I think WW has a problem being honest to herself. I won't know how much of a difference this will make until our next joint counseling, which is next Wednesday, right before she goes to her Best Friends house for the weekend.

Here's an interesting twist, it's my perception that for WW to stay married to me that she has to agree to NC with OM forever. The counselor said it was her perception WW has absolutely no intention of ever giving him up. Told WW about this, and I explained, I would never be able to trust her being just friends with him.

I called WW when I got home, and she asked about counseling. I said we talked about my unresolved issues. WW wanted to know about my unresolved issues. I asked if she was sure she wanted to talk about them over the phone. She did. So I began telling her, about my trust issues, and anger, and frustrations. I also told her I felt they would remain unresolved until she made her decision. WW asked if I was just planning on dumping them all on her if she decided to stay in the marriage. I explained, it's not like that. By her staying in the marriage, and truely working on the marriage, my issues would begin to resolve.

I told WW I know changes don't happen over night, but the last two weeks have been really good, and I asked her if she felt anything for me. She said in a very low voice, "yes". I didn't ask for any details, or ask her to explain. I just let it go.

WW came home from work, and everything seemed fine. We took the digital camera into the backyard and took pictures of her feet! She's got a foot fetish, and wanted to share on the deviant art website. Of course, it's distressing to see the things OM has to say, but oh well, not much I can do about it...yet.

So, I continue down this road, with no end in sight. My chin is up, and I'm feeling good about myself. Wish I could feel as good about my marriage as I do about family time.

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 12:32 PM: Message edited by: RWukovich ]</small>

RW: Isn't the end, or maybe better put- the beginning of a recommittment to your marriage or to start over (end this M) at the end of the six months period? (Which I believe you stated somewhere in this thread was around your anniversary date?) Don't give up hope. Try not to get too up or too down. Bide your time and Plan A as you have been. Don't worry about if things will work out, they will. You may not know it now, but eventually you will. Hang in there buddy!

Recovering_H:

Thanks for the support. Our anniversary is Oct 13. Our 6 months ends at the end of Oct. I'd like to think we'll know more definitly by the anniversary date, because if things feel really good at that time, I want to propose to her again. I think that would be an awesome way to start a new beginning.

Sometimes I wonder if I have the patience to get through this. Seems to me it should be easy for WW to decide yes/no.

The last few weeks have been really good between WW and me. Every day is still very difficult to get through. I have to face her infidelity, and sometimes it's very difficult not to let that show.

WW said she doesn't want me to stop telling her I love you, or stop trying to show her affection. But how long do you keep trying to say I love you, before you get tired of not hearing it back, or get tired of hearing I know. How long do you keep trying to show affection, when the brick wall doesn't return it? I asked her directly today, why she doesn't want me to stop telling her I love you. Her response was I don't know, I haven't really thought about it. Nothing else was said.

She's got her cake and is eating it too, and it's my responsibility to keep things happy at home while she's doing this. It's not fair to me, or to the kids. I feel she's stringing everyone along, not just me and the kids, but OM too.

Ok, I'm done complaining. Yesterday, took my Memorial Day holiday, WW called in sick to spend it with me. Everything was good until she went to the barn from 11:00am to 2:00pm, to clean 3 horse stalls and ride her horse. I will add, there was a small inimate moment before she left. We had a close moment, where I kissed the side of her neck and shoulder. She was responding, but she pushed away. Could have been for any number of reasons, doesn't matter really.

Last night, she laid down on her bed with DD(3) to get her to fall asleep. When DD(3) was asleep, I put her in bed. WW woke up when I did this and mentioned her tummy hurting. Told her I hoped she felt better, and was there anything I could do? There wasn't.

Took dogs outside, smoked a cigerette. Came back in, and WW was still laying on her bed. Went into her room and woke her up and asked if she was staying here. Didn't realize it at first, but she sat up with this confused look on her face, and I asked her again if she was staying here. Then I realized, she didn't understand I was asking if she was staying here, in bed, where she was, and further explained I was going to turn off lights and shutdown her computer if she was. I don't have to explain what she thought, I'm sure you all can figure that out.

Well, this morning, I kissed her bye, and said I was leaving, she smiled, and said, yeah, but you'll be back.

DD(12) is going to Six Flags today for a school chorus field trip, so WW is taking DD(3) with her to work. I get to pick up after I get off work.

I'm sure WW will be online most, if not all, the time while she's at work. She's been surfing that deviant art website all week, not done much work at all really. I think she's written only 2 stories all week. Sad part is, I'm sure as soon as she gets home, it'll be online time.

Tomorrow is Family Day, we haven't discussed anything yet, guess it's going to be a fly by the seat of our pants day. More than likely, we'll just end up sitting around the house. If it looks like that's going to happen, then I'm going to take the kids somewhere and invite WW to come with. Not sure what though, looks like isolated T-storms / Wind. Might be just a hang out watch movies kind of day. I may not get a chance to cut the grass until later in the week. Right now, looks like storms up till Thursday.

If the weather is bad, stay home and relax. Why not get stuff to make your own pizza. My kids used to love that. I got frozen bread, thawed it and smashed it down to make pizza crust. Then have lots of toppings so every one can make their own.

Sounds like you are doing very well.

RW:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Our anniversary is Oct 13. Our 6 months ends at the end of Oct. I'd like to think we'll know more definitly by the anniversary date, because if things feel really good at that time, I want to propose to her again. I think that would be an awesome way to start a new beginning. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like a great idea!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Sometimes I wonder if I have the patience to get through this. Seems to me it should be easy for WW to decide yes/no. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">These are trying times!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The last few weeks have been really good between WW and me. Every day is still very difficult to get through. I have to face her infidelity, and sometimes it's very difficult not to let that show </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Keep on keeping on.

Couple other thoughts about your post...how long do you have to keep working on it? And she gets to have her cake and eat it too.

I've learned that they have their crosses to bear as well. Some handle it better than others. And true, it feels like they really don't get punished while you go through he!!. Unfortunately, it's not that easy to say that even though it feels like it. Hang in there and let your plan work its course. If it doesn't work out, then you'll have no regrets (that doesn't mean you won't feel like crap though).

Believer: My room is directly beneath WW's. I heard DD(3) get up, so I got up to keep her in line and let WW sleep in. Made coffee and cinnamon rolls! YUM! They were a hit, everyone loved them!

Recovering_H:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Couple other thoughts about your post...how long do you have to keep working on it? And she gets to have her cake and eat it too.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not quite sure what you mean by your question. Our in house seperation is until the end of Oct. She doesn't have to get off the fence and make her decision until then. Obviously, she could make it sooner, but I think she'll wait until October just to be sure.

WW left for the barn around 9:30am and didn't get home into about 3pm. She called around 2 and said she was cleaning her tack and then she'd be home. I was very careful not to let her know how upset I was, especially with my suspicions running rampant these days. I'm glad too, because we talked about her day afterwards. Cleaning 3 horse stalls takes about an hour, and she said she took about a 2.5 hour trail ride. Cleaning tack took her about 45 mins or so. The rest of the time was spent grooming her horse. It really was all horse time.

Around 5pm it was time to go back to the barn and bring the horses in for the day. I asked if I could come with her, and she said sure. On the way back from the barn, she decided to show me the route she went on for her trail ride, which was mostly on streets. It was surprising to us both, just how close she actually got to the house, considering she was riding on back roads. She said next time she'd come all the way home, tie the horse to a tree, and we could have lunch before she rode back to the barn. Actually sounds pretty cool, kinda miss having my horse and getting to ride.

WW turned on the computer when she got home, but never got online. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> We sat on the couch together watching TV. At one point I reached over and rubbed her leg and said, I love you. She said nothing, after a couple seconds I moved my hand back on the couch. She reached over and rubbed my hand, I guess in acknowledgement. Something was definitly better than nothing.

This morning, her alarm clock woke me up, so I went upstairs. She was awake listening to the radio, I asked if I could come in and cuddle. She said ok. Well, things were going ok, except DD(3) was in bed too, and she's got this thing where she likes to stick her feet between your thighs or under them. And can't stay still, so that began irritating WW. Then DD(3) kept scooting closer and closer to WW. With me on one side, and DD(3) crowding on the other, she was starting to get really irritated. Sigh, then I accidentally scratched her ankle with my big toe. I've got horrible toe nails, and can't cut them too short without getting ingrown nails. DD(3) started kicking soon after that, and WW decided she was getting up. At first, I felt bad because of her attitude, and thought I might somehow be responsible. After thinking about it, I realized it was merely only a culmination of different factors. WW was in the shower, and I opened the door and told her I felt bad at first, but after thinking about it, realized it wasn't about me at all. She said the only thing I did was the whole ankle scratching, her ire was mostly as a direct result of squirming, kicking DD(3).

Last night, I asked WW if she'd like to go to Olive Garden for Monday Lunch Date, and she said she's not real fond of Olive Garden. She then suggested a picnic lunch. I think that's a great idea, and have been considering it. Last night, though, we thought it was going to be raining most of the day so we decided to go to a Greek restaurant instead. I said we'd do the picnic lunch the Monday after she get's back from her Best Friends house from her Memorial Day vacation.

Haven't gotten an I love you, too, in a while, but things have been good. I do have a spot of bad news though. OM has an online journal on the same website as WW. I browsed it today, and appearantly he was moved back in with his BS, but in a roommate status only. OM's BS thought they might be able to get things back on track under the same roof. Not sure what kind of difficulties they are having, but OM thinks they have communication issues. Needless to say, OM's going on vacation over Memorial Day Weekend as well, not sure at this point it has nothing to do with WW.

WW mentioned this morning she's leaving directly from counseling on Wednesday, so she'll get he car all packed up tomorrow night. Anyway, got a few things I need to do. I'm going to edit this post shortly with a couple of links, pictures of me and my family. If anyone is interested in seeing it's just a click away.

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 12:16 PM: Message edited by: RWukovich ]</small>

Well, bummer, can't edit posts anymore after 20 minutes. Completely missed that on the forum list page.

Here are the links:

DD(3)

DD(12)

WW

Me

By the way, since the onset of this nightmare, I've lost 40 pounds. I've gone from 215 to 175. I'm looking trim, feeling good, getting some tan, and WW thinks I'm looking good too. Not sure if that makes much of a difference.

You look good to me too. And you have a nice family. Hopefully all of your patience will pay off.

Well, went to the Greek restaurant today, it's called The Acropolis. We had Gyro's with a piece of Spinach Pie. Then we split a piece of baklava for dessert!

Shortest lunch date yet I think, a whopping 45 minutes. WW gave me a kiss bye of her own accord too.

When I got home, decided to cut the yard, which takes about 2 hours on the landlord's riding mower. Decided to work on the tan some more so I did it without my shirt, definitly got some sun today. The shower afterwards was soooo refreshing!

WW had to go to the barn to clean those nasty horse stalls again. I'll be glad when she's only cleaning her horse's instead of 3. DD(3) wanted to go to see the kitten we found in one of the horse trailers. WW said, that's up to your Daddy. I said, ok, we can go up there for a little bit.

Ended up staying there for a while. I ended up brushing her horse for her so she could finish up cleaning stalls. She said I did a really good job, her coat was shining. It made me feel good to hear her say that.

I came home and had DD(12) take a shower with DD(3) while I took one in the other bathroom. Cleaning horses in hot humid sweaty temps is VERY dirty work. Then I started dinner, soup and grilled cheese sandwiches! I even made a couple sandwiches for WW.

Of course, around 10pm WW got on the computer, and I promptly went downstairs. As I was heading down to my room, WW said, you going down now? And I said, yup. That was approximately 35 minutes ago. I've been chatting with her for approximately 25 minutes now on AIM. How ridiculous is that?

Well, I guess we can safely chalk another good day into the books. And, tomorrow is another day!

Well, we had the sex talk yesterday. I had to make heads or tails out of what she was saying. Now I know, men and women think nothing alike.

I can also understand her not wanting to tell me exactly what she wants. If you want your loved one to show you more affection, and you have to tell them to get it, then it's not the same as if they did this on their own.

Long story short, my asking for sex. Very simple to me. I never asked her the way she did last week when she called me on her way home from work.

A friend of mine loaned me a book, How to Ignite her Fire. Well, this book's been sitting in her bathroom. She's been reading it. I guess this is a good thing.

WW told me where a man doesn't take much prep, that a women has to be physically ready, emotionally ready, AND in the mood. To me, that is incredibly complicated.

I guess the good thing is, I understood the main problem. Even with my believed subtle suggestions about sex, it was too direct for her, and only turns her off. Don't understand how it's ok for her to be extremely direct, but not ok for me. Anyway, I get it. Of course this happened at work, and I didn't get it until after I got home.

What she's looking for, is for me to NOT ask for sex, but rather try physical prep things, like kisses, shoulder massages, etc.

Here's something else, sex is on the top 5 of our top 10 EN's. But how we look at sex is completely different! Men typically look at physical prep type stuff as a prelude, with WW, it doesn't necessarily NEED to turn into sex, if it does great, if it doesn't great. Either way one of her EN's is being met.

Needless to say, I called her when I got home, and told her I get it. I felt like a dog getting a bone. She actually sounded surprised when I gave her explanation back to her in my own perspective.

So, it's not that she doesn't want to have sex with me as much as it's she wants me to change my approach. Then again, she's maintained it shouldn't be just sex with her husband. I see this as a positive as she wants me to make an effort for it to NOT FEEL like sex.

Here's another thing. I've been telling her I love you all along, several times a day. Well, sometimes if I get an I love you too, it feels like a reflex, other times I'm not so sure.

Listen to this. She's been cleaning 3 horse stalls at the barn, well, yesterday I offered to help, and she accepted. On the way to the barn, I rubbed my hand up and down her thigh, in a firm affectionate way, and said I love you as meaningfully as I could. She said, I love you, too. I didn't get the I know, but it didn't feel like a reflex either. Then, I went to bed early, didn't get much sleep the night before, due to the storm and power outage, well, got a kiss and a real nice hug, and told her again, I love you. Got another sincere sounding I love you too, as she was hugging me just as intensely as I was.

Here's yet another one. Needed to make sure she got up when I left for work this morning, she has to clean those same 3 stalls this morning before she goes to work, because she's leaving for her long weekend with her Best Friend after counseling. I went into her room, and got yet another I love you too. Just for the record, the last 3 times I've said I love you, I've gotten an I love you too. Considering that's something she's really been stingy with, 3 times in a row is quite shocking. I'm not sure if I should view it as positive progress, or not read anything into it at all.

Oh, by the way, we have marriage counseling today, and I have no clue what we're going to talk about. I have nothing to say.

Here's one last nice little tidbit, I get to sleep in "our" bed while she's gone. I miss that bed, but I think it'll be much more lonely in the queen size than the twin size.

Have a nice day!

Almost didn't have MC yesterday. The counselor took my company's EAP, but not my company's insurance. So, we had to switch to WW's insurance. Originally, the counselor was told no deductable, and 15 copayments, unlimited visits. Which is very doable. Well, yesterday she called WW at work and told her something different, they were talking about a $250 deductible, and we'd have to pay $90 for sessions until the deductible was met.

WW called me and told me all that. For some reason she wanted me to call the counselor back and deal with it, not sure why, but I did. While we were waiting for the counselor to confirm the correct payment arrangements, WW asked if we really needed to go to MC today. Appearantly we both feel good about how things have been going, and neither one of us could think of anything we needed to talk about in counseling. We agreed, if we only had to make the $15 copay we would go, otherwise, we'd reschedule.

We ended up having to make the $15 copay, so we went to counseling. We talked about how we felt about the last few weeks. WW feels good about them like I do. The counselor doesn't want us to make major changes to our in house seperation contract except in counseling, but we're allowed to make little changes. This means, if we decide to want to spend more time together than what's outlined in the contract, that's our business, how we handle sex is also our business.

Few things WW said in counseling, that I already knew. Whenever I was going downstairs, and she asked where I was going, did in fact mean mean what I thought it meant. That she didn't want me to think I needed to go, and I was welcome to stay. She also said she doesn't want me to stop trying to initiate sex. The counselor even asked her again just to make sure. I guess I just can't say, hey, wanna have sex? Not that I was ever that direct. Have to pay more attention to the situation and put more effort into interaction that can lead to sex without just asking for it. I did bring up that she did call me last week on the way home from work and asked me just that directly. I mentioned it wasn't fair for her to be able to do that, but not expect me too.

So, from counseling, things are going ok. The main thing WW and I need to work on is not talking about serious things via email or chatting. The counselor actually wants us to work on things verbally, since that is where our problem is.

In the last 24 hours, I got 6 I love you too's. Not that I'm trying to keep count, but after 2.5 months of not getting them, you notice when you do. The last one was right after counseling in the parking lot. WW was going to head on to her Best Friend's house in Kansas City. We hugged each other, and I told her I loved her, and that's when I got my last I love you too.

WW called a couple of times during her drive to Kansas City, the last time being when she got there. I'm expecting a call tonight.

I'd be real surprised to get a call from her at work today. But then again, I left her a voice mail on her cell phone. DD(3) was upset her mommy wasn't there this morning.

Sure was nice getting to sleep in the queen size bed last night! I really miss that bed. Miss being in that bed with my wife.

Been using Crest Whitestrips. Since the onsite of this nightmare, I've been smoking almost a pack a day. I was only smoking like 5 a day before that. Well, my teeth were getting dingy, and I didn't like it. I smoked my last smoke yesterday. Told WW was a good time for me to try and quit. I'll have 5 days of no smoking, and I'm really hoping she tries as well. We need to quit. Oh, the Crest Whitestrips are working! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I invited a couple friends over on Sunday, going to cook out if the weather holds. I've got plenty of things to do until WW gets home. Her horse stall to clean, meals to cook, baths to give, cleaning to do, laundry, cutting the grass. Want WW to see I was more than capable of handling EVERYTHING while she was gone.

Don't know how much online time I'll get, but I'll try to keep this thread up to date. Especially with everything APPEARING to go well. Things aren't all better, still sleeping downstairs, and WW is still on the fence. But, I think she's leaning my way! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, it's been a trying time. Hardly talked with WW while she was at Best Friends house. I suspect OM may have been there.

On a side note, had fun with the kids, was a good time for us I think. Did some grilling, and dodging tornado's.

WW didn't get home until 9pm. OM called her cell phone at 11:30pm. Not going to speculate, that's been driving me crazy the whole time WW was gone.

I did ask WW about the I love you , too's I got last week. She immediately said something along the lines of she knew she shouldn't have said them, because she didn't want me getting all "weird". I replied, I just wanted to make sure she wasn't saying them because she thought that's what I expected. She said, she said them because she felt like saying them, and was concerned that I would think everything is ok.

I just don't understand how she can think I would misunderstand anything is ok, when I'm still sleeping downstairs, and she's still talking to OM. Jeez, I must seem like an idiot to her or something.

Anyway, I'll know in a couple of days, whether or not she was with OM or not. If he was there, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. For the record, not assuming he was there, I believe it's 50/50 at this point. I just want to know for sure one way or the other.

I've been concerned how things would be between WW and I when she got back, but I really didn't get much time with her last night. There was some hugs though. I wonder if she'll call me today when she gets to work. Time to get back to work.

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 12:20 PM: Message edited by: RWukovich ]</small>

Called WW at work, and told her it was time for some honesty. I asked her directly if OM was there. She said yes. I asker her directly if they had sex. She said yes. She also said but she feels guilty. She also said she told OM she felt guilty. She said he told her if she decided to stay in the marriage that he'd understand and never talk to her again. Not sure I believe that.

Took the rest of the day off work and picked WW up for lunch. Talked over lunch. WW acknowldeges now she realizes she has to make a choice. She also said she loves him the way she is supposed to love me.

To top this all off Best Friend's journal indicated OM is willing to relocate anywhere for her. But, WW indicated he'd never move away from his kids and WW doesn't want to move away from hers. So she's confused as to what to do. She feels she has 2 options. A) Stay with me and the kids and live with the void of what's missing in our relationship, or B) To leave me and live alone with the void.

I told her that she was going to have to make a decision. It's not fair to keep stringing both of us along. She also said she didn't expect me to be this in love with her, because I never showed it, and I should have been this way all along. She's now concerned if she decides to stay if I'd ever forgive her or trust her. Admittedly, those are both facts, but trust can be worked on.

I'd hoped for her to make a decision at lunch, but she doesn't know what to say or do. She says she's afraid of making a choice that she'll regret later on down the road.

I called our counselor when I got home, and told her everything. She agrees since WW violated our contract, she's got to make a decision now. It's not something that can wait until October. She reminded me that I may be the one to have to make a decision.

I'm not sure what to do anymore.

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 12:20 PM: Message edited by: RWukovich ]</small>

Well, I guess they "consummated" the affair. If I say what I want to say, they'd kick me off this board.

Sickening.

You have no idea how disappointed I am in your wife's choice to not only see this OM but to sleep with him. I have followed your posts since the beginning. It seemed like a ray of hope for me. My H told me around that time that he wanted a separation. I was devastated. So were my daughters (15 & 13) We moved out at the end of May and my H seemed to be more affectionate and supportive then he had been in weeks. We found out why - he had a secret email account and was planning to meet the OW this month in Pa. He lied about the whole thing even after we showed him the email he had printed out from her with the directions to the "meeting place". Before that I didn't even know there was OW, although I had a sick feeling in my gut that told me there was (just no proof).
I read all your postings hoping for the best for you, your children and your wife. But today it just made me cry. How she could be so incredibly selfish and thoughtless really amazes me. I find the deception and lies from my H the most difficult things to overcome. Really, I wonder if it is worth it. And what happens the next time things are tough and not the way they want it. I think after this you can just count me out.

ITB: I'm very sickened. Counseling should be interesting next week. Ultimatum time.

Playedout: I feel your pain, and hope for the best for you and yours. If anything, I hope this thread shows that no matter how well things appear to be going, never ever, let your guard down.

Talked with WW extensively after she got home today. She claims she used protection with OM. At which point I said, oh well, not like it matters because I won't have sex with her again until I see a clean bill of health from her doctor. Granted I do have condoms available, but that sex with me is the farthest thing from her mind.

Asked WW again if she wanted me to stop expressing my love to her, along with kisses, and affection. She doesn't know. After further questions it became clear, she realizes any other man would have been long gone, and that makes her question why I'm still here trying. She can't seem to convince herself to give me up if my love is true, and is deep as it appears. She even asked why I love her like I do. This was a hard question to answer. I told her when me and my first wife went our seperate ways, I told her there's the door, don't let it hit her on the way out. I knew I didn't love her, but with WW it's different. I don't know how to explain. I told her it's like somehow I've managed to seperate all the pain I feel from her actions from the love I feel for her. I don't know, self preservation?

I've been part of a multi-partner relationship before. Oh yeah, sex was great, but the emotional involvement was lacking, and I had to move on. I think that part of my past may have something to do with my ability to seperate what's happening here.

My constant reaffirmation of my love for her, and my steadfast position in our relationship makes her question herself. I think as long as she questions herself, then her own self doubt grows. She's afraid of making the wrong decision. She actually said at lunch today that she wished she had a crystal ball.

We were outside having a smoke a little while ago. When some of what I've mentioned took place. I reminded her that last week in counseling she expressed a desire in my continued pursuit of sex with her, but not by directly asking for it. Then I asked her if she still felt the same way. Her response was, yes, sex is nice every now and again. And once again, it's back to doing the things that can stir those loving feelings.

I also pointed out to her, that she admitted to feeling guilty about having sex with OM. I said, that tells me she feels SOMETHING for me, otherwise she wouldn't have felt guilt. I told her that is what we need to focus on and nurture.

When I asked her if she wanted me to stop, and she couldn't answer, I asked do you want me to choose? Her response was yes. I told her that my making that choice only makes things easier for her. She then admitted it would. That's when it became clear of how unsure she is about making a choice that could prove to be the wrong one. I think she's finally starting to realize, when I say I love her unconditionally, I mean it.

Sigh, I'm so freaking confused. I don't know what to do. All I know, is I'm hurting like never before, and I still love her with all my heart.

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 12:22 PM: Message edited by: RWukovich ]</small>

RW,
i have no wish to make you feel any worse then you already do. i just wanted to let you know not only how disapointed i am on your behalf but how down right angry i am.

what your W did was just plain dishonrable and duplicitious! she planned the whole thing and did it with fore thought and malice.

all i can say good buddy is that sometimes loving some one can be toxic...a shame for sure but true never the less.

coach