Last week I posted my story My Story on the emotional needs board. I only had 3 responses and all 3 told me to get out of the marriage. I was a little bit disappointed because I wanted so much to make it work.

Anyway at lunch time today I snooped in my husband's shaving bag and found two notes from the woman that I suspected he was having an affair with. Both of them were full of sweet nothings although they didn't spell out that they had sex. One of them quote said "Good morning my sweet angel, hope I didn't keep you awake getting dressed....didn't want to wake so here are some kisses and hugs, XOXOXOXOXOXOX I love you - Little G". I confronted him with the notes and of course he denied everything and told me that I was crazy and he wasn't staying here anymore. I gave him a copy of the divorce papers that I had already had drawn up and told him to go the the lawyer's office on Monday to sign the original. He says that they are just friends and she's like a mother to him. BULL.

Right now, I am yoyo-ing between being ok and completely falling apart. I have an overwhelming sense that I just want to go to sleep and not have to think about all of this. In a way I am kind of relieved that I really know the truth now and I don't have to be suspicious anymore. That was eating me alive.

I am not going to try to save this marriage. I don't think there is anything to save. I just want to get out of it with some sense of dignity and get on with my life.

I am just so sad and heartbroken.

Hmmm. Lots of problems here. I would try to stay in Plan A with him, and if he gets abusive, just leave.

Ask him to go to AA, or stop drinking, AND get some anger management counseling. Also you need to get some counseling.

Next start exercising and get on a diet, so you will feel better about yourself. Concentrate on you. You can also get some support from alanon. Then you will get stronger and know how to make the right choice.

Believer...I appreciate your reply. I am at the point though that I am done with him. I have Plan A'd for the last 6 weeks even though I didn't have concrete proof of the affair. Its no use. I am his 5th wife. This is apparently his pattern. I am not going to live like this. He still denies the affair even with the notes. How can I ever trust him again if he will not stop lying to me?

I think the best thing for me at this point is to cut my losses and move on. Really and truly - the only consistenly happy times of our marriage were for the first year. After that it has steadily went downhill. I hate the idea of divorce but I will not be treated like this by him.

Probably not good words for a marriage building board. But I will say that I have learned a lot on this website and will continue to visit it in the future. I made some mistakes and I will know better next time.

I urge you to stay here. No matter what you do, you still have to go through your own recovery. Also the information here and support will help you make the changes you need to make, and also let you know how a great marriage should be.

And you do need to work on yourself. I have been here 6 months and have made lots of changes. I'm a different person now. And my WS is still with OW. But I feel great about my life and my days are good now. You will get there too.

I finally talked to my husband again this morning about some financial issues and that I was going to file for divorce this morning.

Anyway...I asked him why he had to have an affair and why couldn't he be honest and tell me the truth now that I had found those notes. His response....the notes were a "plant" to see if I would snoop and find them. He had his "friend" write them and he put them there as a test to see if I would find them. What a bunch of crock! I told him then that I hope he was proud of his test because he had ripped my heart out with it.

This stinks...it really stinks. The bad part is that we have nothing worth working on now. I am going to file for divorce this morning.

Debbie - Sorry to see you here for this reason. After reading your story, I wonder why you married this guy? He had been married 4 times before, he is in his 40s and who knows wht kind of baggage he has. It seems you did not spend enough time getting to know him. He is already set in his ways and if you guessed you were going to change him, you guessed wrong. Fortunately, you did not have children with him and can walk away at any time. He is abusive and a drinker. Do not let him hurt you anymore. One question to you is, why were you going through his things? Unless he had given you reasons to distrust him, that shows you are not a trusting person and that was a breach of respect and trust, which maybe he asked for. In any event, good luck to you and hope it turns for the better. Next time, ask why someone has been married so many times. Four failed marriages (maybe 5) is a good sign that there are problems with that person.

Ah, the old "I was testing you" defense. That's a classic.

I'm very supportive of saving marriages, IF there's something worth saving. I don't see that in your situation.

I do want you to brace yourself. He'll probably make another last-ditch effort to win you back. (Apologies, excuses, promises to change,etc.) That's just the cycle. I could be wrong. Are you ready to deal with it if he does? I just don't want you to get sucked into wasting any more time in this situation.

I think you're handling this appropriately. Continue to be strong.

Why Me...I had been suspicious for awhile and I had specifically asked him about this person. He kept denying it over and over. I don't know what led me to look in his things Friday. It was like God told me to look right where the notes were at.

The only other time I "snooped" wasn't even snooping at all. A couple of years ago he quit his job without even discussing it with me. In his line of work, he had another job within the week. A few weeks after that I was looking in the dresser for an owner's manual to a vacuum cleaner and found paperwork where he had been fired from his job. He immediately got angry because I was "snooping" and has constantly berated me over that ever since. No I am not a trusting person anymore. I was until I became involved with him. He took that away from me. It worries me that I will never be able to trust anyone ever again.

I have no idea why I married someone who had been divorced 4 times. I rationalized that everyone makes mistakes I guess. He had been divorced about 8 years when we met. (Yes all 4 marriages/divorces took place before he was 35 years old.) I had never had anyone (male) pay attention to me before and he pulled me in hook line and sinker. In his defense, I honestly think that he loved me in the beginning but he has some serious character flaws that he just couldn't overcome.

It is impossible to snoop in a marriage. there are no secrets.

Even when I left my husband for somewhere safer (and stayed away until he decided he needed a change and was unhappy), he had a key to where I was and could come and go as he pleased. Also all my mail was still going to the house (he stayed) so has had access to it. I often go through his things to see if anything needs repair or to move and rearrange things or looking for something, especially his shaving bag he takes in trips, to see if he needs anything on there replacing etc.

If you are in a marriage where there are places that are secret from one another and you think it's OK then that is not a proper based marriage. That is two people acting like they are single and yet wanting the benefits of marriage.

I guess if I had thought he was likely to have an affair I would have looked, I don't know where, but I didn't expect it. He started the affair after we moved back in together and we were in counselling. Our cell phones are interchangeable, so I guess I could have checked the phone call details, but again I never suspected. That is where he was lucky, but if I had looked, it would not have been snooping, we are married, there is nothing in marriage that can be secret and so looking at it is not snooping.

Linda

Just an update...

I signed the divorce papers yesterday. My husband is supposed to sign them tomorrow. I am really afraid that he is not going to because he is pulling passive/agressive "poor me" stuff on me right now trying to make me feel guilty for "filing for divorce on him." I spoke to the lawyer's office and it looks like we could be final about June 14 if everything goes well.

This morning...I remembered that I had access to his cell phone records online. I pulled up the last 6 months billing and found that he started calling her right after Thanksgiving. This had been going on for quite a while. It had nothing to do with me at all.

I feel so deceived but even more certain of getting out of this toxic relationship. He is supposed to come over tomorrow to sign the divorce papers and get some stuff from the house. I am going to try really hard not to see him. I think I just need to stay away from him for awhile till my head gets a bit clearer where he is concerned.