**UPDATE**

Well, The cell bill came and to my surprise no detailed billing to show what numbers have been dialed. The one positive is that it does break it down to weekend/free minutes used and there are only 9 for the month and only 106 total used. This leads me to believe that she is not using her cell phone to secretly call him. I guess maybe I have over reacted again. How do I get through this jealousy? It obviously seems like it is my problem, my insecurities, that are creating this situation.

I have been trying hard to meet her EN for the past month and there have been ups and downs. Sometimes I feel good and others I feel frustrated and pissed and feel that my needs are not being met.

Thanks for listening.

MIF?

Hi -
I see you are still having difficulty (do I get the understatement of the year award?)

How do I get through this jealousy? It obviously seems like it is my problem, my insecurities, that are creating this situation.


It takes time, and patience. There is no substitute for either one of them. You appear to be doing well, and - though I hate to say this - be on the standard time table.

It is always like a rollercoaster. Some up days, some down days. Often seems like more down ones than up ones.

Now, I assume you have read the books?

What are you doing - what's your plan to reconcile, other than being nice to her, and doing plan A. Plan A does not mean you do anything and everything she wants, nor does it mean she always gets HER way, over your way. You should be using POJA - or if not, then letting her see the results of her actions. Plan A does not mean you take away all the consenquences of her actions.

Here is a link to a good thread about natural consenquences.
Mthrrhbard - natural consequences and plan A
Mthrrhbard on Plan A and natural consequences

Remember than anger from you should not be a consenquence. You need to care for, and protect her feelings - and if that seems like the oppisite of natural consenquences, lets talk some more.

Also honesty - you shouldn't trust her. Trust is earned, and she hasn't earned it. It requires many months of complete honesty to erase months of dishonesty. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If she was dishonest, then it is up to her to change that perception in your mind. You can't just start trusting her again. In fact, the distrust has been conditioned into your mind by her actions. To change that conditioning requires new trustworthy actions, that are consistant over time.

I also suggest you set up rules for recovery. Here is a link about that.

Rules for successful recovery
Rules for successful recovery


Note these are for you - but you also need them for THE TWO OF YOU - to practice together. Dr Harley has those on the site.
You can the four rules to recovery on this page, with other useful info. You may have read it already.
Surviving infidelity


I have been trying hard to meet her EN for the past month and there have been ups and downs. Sometimes I feel good and others I feel frustrated and pissed and feel that my needs are not being met.

It't time to negotiate - not meet her needs uncontitionally.

This is natural - it almost always happens, but you need to change the cycle. It will still take time, and lots more work. Are you good for it?

SS

MIF

Look man, you don't rebuild trust over night. All I can say is "I" wouldn't feel bad at all about monitoring my wifes activity thoroughly until "I" come to a time and place "I" feel she is worth "MY" trust again. Once this garbage begins (or once it's happened), you need to protect yourself from the all too often "big suprise". I'm not saying don't do the best plan A possible, but get over the feeling bad about monitoring. Once you get your relationship on track, you'll probably be letting go of the monitoring anyway, naturally.... it all fits nicely like a jigsaw puzzle, once it's complete, you'll be fine. You obviously aint there yet.

M.