Having a hard time right now.

All of those feelings and all of the pain is slowly seeping out of my callused skin. H. tried to tell me that he didn't feel the same as he did one year ago. He said he was such an idiot to think that he did! But I see his face and it is not like the face I see when he is shameful. He also told me that he used this site to vent his frustrations and hurt on how the OW dumped him. Can you believe that?

Yesterday I asked him a question regarding his e-mails. But first he told me the entire time that he was wwith her he never held her they way he held me. Well, something slipped out when discribing to me what was in his e-mails from her. She wrote; "I love the way you hold me with your arms tightly around me". Hummm, that sounds the same to me! I didn't confront him because I need him to tell me so I can move on. You know I really don't care what she wrote. I want to know what he said to her!
But today is very difficult. How do I move on from here when it is such a da ja vue?
Reliving the past!
Ali <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Ali, I know how these memories hurt. Try not to dwell on them too much. Do something nice for yourself and give your mind and heart a rest.

I remember you and RR, but I'm not up date with what's happening now. Are you two making any progress or just the same old thing?

Anyways, I wish you the best and here's a hug.
{{{{{Ali88}}}}}

Hi TooOld4this!

Yes, I do remember you! You were one of my favorites. Well, it depends on what you want to call progess. Is he past her? I don't know. As you recall his post, they were pretty emotional over her. But now? He tells me they weren't real.
I give him credit for that but I am not a dummy. He is now telling me that he never fell out of love with me, that the sparks were always there. etc. But that contradict's his old posts and the way he treated me for so long and it continues.

So am I supposed to forget and move on? Forget that he ever treated me so horrible! If we want to get into MB terms here. My LB's are in the negetive. I am hurting so bad as if it was yesterday! I am in IC and we are in MC. I am able to be more rational and see the whole picture as before, I was in a fog. As SwH says, survival. We do things together. But I just don't feel as close to him as I did before. I crave it though. I do not allow myself to be vulnerable around him. I am in the thought process of a divorce. My therapist and I are going over that. I just feel the only way, I will be able to forgive him and move forward is if I leave him. His face is a reminder of all the hurt. I just wish I was posting in recovery.

I used to believe that time heals all wounds. The only way that will happen if I have Altzeimers (sp) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Thanks for the hugs! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I took a well deserved long nap. Almost didn't wake up to pick up son at school!

Ali <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ali, sounds like he was in the fog and came out. It gets much better after the second, well really into the third year. Life gets pretty normal again, although there will be triggers and you won't forget. It gets pretty nice again if he is willing to be part of the recovery. Hugs to you, the first year is the worst.