You can find my whole sorted story under Need Help Desperately, but decided to start a new post because the other was very long and hard to keep track of.

In summary I am almost 1 month past Dday. I threw my WH out on Dday. We've had emotional highs and lows, and fights, and good times since.

I started Plan A, diligently last tuesday. My WH is calling more often, seeing me for coffee in the morning before we go to work.

This morning, he began to cry, and made a statement to me "How did this happen".

How do I know he's not in Withdrawal over ME ? He hasn't told me he loves me. He talks of very little by way of future, for example he said he might stop by last night, and didn't. This morning he said he might stop over tomorrow night, but I have a feeling he won't.

How do I know if he's not trying to stay away from me ?

This is really bugging me and I want to jump off Plan A and push an answer out of him, but I know that's very wrong.

Someone please offer some help. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

betrayed

That was what I was referring to in my previous post to you. Could you maybe ask him when he is going to make a decision so you can go forward with your life? Seems only fair. His tears the last time you were together makes me wonder a little if he isn't getting fairly close to some type of decision.

I hope for your sake he isnt upset because he cant bear the idea of hurting you and yet he is too lost in the fog to say he is letting OW go right now.

Just my 2 cents..Take care of yourself and I wish you luck.. I'm sorry for your pain..but yes maybe you are getting closer to Plan B..

Lmy

Is asking him if he's still in contact with OW pressure ?

Is it not giving him enough Plan A ?

If he's just now starting to feel something for me, do I risk it ?

He asked me once not to bring it up, because no matter what is said, it ends up being a bad discussion for us.

My gut is telling me that he told me the truth once before (a couple weeks ago, I'd asked if he was still with her and he told me his feelings changed a lot once he heard her on the phone with me...he told her that, and he also told her he was still talking to me to see where it went)...he also told me he was trying to brush her off, that he got himself into this, HE has to get himself out.

I'm afraid if I push TOO soon, he'll think I'm not listening again. Which is a HUGE LB for him. He absolutely HATES that. I try to ask for clarification, but I can't keep hammering.

I get scared.

Then I push.

I have set a date of May 16th, and I HAVE to stay with it, or else I'll never know if I did the right thing. 2 months isn't long, we've been together 6 years.... I can try harder.

Jersey,
Its been almost 3 months in my case. Just keep in mind that 2 months might not be long enough. Hang in there.

Well responding to your post on the other thread, I called the counsellor to see How she wanted to proceed. You know how it is, I just wanted to see if I needed to keep a day open next week. She informed me that W rescheduled for Fri. Praise the Lord it WAS just an honest mistake. W dad told me today that she has been talking to him a little about the possibility of an inherited dpression/ chemical imbalance problem. That sounds encouraging. Like I said on the post above this though, 2 mo may not be long enough. Play it by ear. Plan A may just work after all.

Medic,
I'm going to pray extra long and hard tonight.

Isn't it amazing that no matter how hard you try, the idea that your life isn't what it was a month ago, crashes in on you ?

I'm not sure what his tears meant this morning. But he's called me several times today, and will call me tonight before I go to bed.

I know he needs time, I need time, staying in Plan A will give him what he needs. The only thing I need is a crystal ball, or strong FAITH that whatever God has in store for me, I can bare it.

HELP !!!
I'm growing impatient again.
Not sure if he's coming over tonight.
This is the part of me that get chastised.
I want to FIX IT QUICK.
This always gets me in trouble.

Try an take it easy Jersey. It took me close to 3 mo to figure that out. Its hard, it sucks, and its not fair. When you just back off and make an every effort to realize that it wont happen on your schedule, it will get a little easier. I know exactly how you're feeling. Patience is a virtue but its not always easy to come by.

Why am I so afraid that if I don't keep putting on the seeds, he'll never find his way home ?

Hitting an angry point again, so I thought I better vent here before I do something stupid.

I'm so darned irritated right now.

What is wrong with me ?

My God, if he doesn't love me, loves someone else, after 6 years wants out, who the heck am I to try to stop him ?

Go let someone else put up with his Bull.

She'll find out that he is the most selfish person on the face of the planet.

Not to mention a Momma's boy, who didn't feel any loss to move back home to her since she does all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and ironing, practically lays out his clothes in the morning. He gets to get up, go to work, and play with his toys when he's done. I take care of all the finances, she takes care of the rest.

yet here I sit, torn to pieces, my life shattered, nothing around me but lost dreams and hopes and no future. I hope the day comes that I can just slap divorce papers in his face. He's not trying. He's still fence sitting. Plan A bites. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Betrayed

Your real feelings are coming out and maybe he needs to know how you are feeling...especially about the fence sitting.

Dont you think its time to give him a heads up on how you are feeling?. Its really not just about him .. you count too...the fact that he is still on the fence would make me want to give him a little push by now.

You know how I feel.. but its up to you..its your life..but please dont be a doormat

wishing you well
Lmh

LMH,
Unfortunately I think you're right. I can't handle this. I have to find out if she's still in the picture.

There's a distinct difference between wanting to fix our marriage, and figuring out what dumb girl wins, (because we're obviously both fools).

If I find out if she's still in the picture, I will make a decision within 4 days to think about going to Plan B.

I know some might think it's too soon. But I can't keep letting this eat away at me. It's killing me slowly.

I've been following your thread from the beginning, putting in my 2 cents when you really seemed to be going off the deep end. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> (Aren't we all, though?!) I can hear you hitting that point again. Be careful! Take deep breaths! If you must vent, come here, call a friend, put your head in your pillow & scream, go for a long drive. But don't drive him away by losing your cool. If you're ready to call it quits then do it with a calm, thoughtful and rational Plan B letter. And know deep down in your heart that's what you want to do.

But you know what? Personally, I don't hear you saying that you want to give up - not yet. You just sound so frustrated and angry and wanting a resolution to your pain NOW. I know the feelings.

One thing I found that helped tremendously was to make a plan, a schedule. I set a date to give him that Plan B letter. I didn't tell him, but the date made sense to me. That helped keep me calm when all I wanted to do was lash out. But I didn't - I just kept reminding myself that I could hold out for another few months. And then I'd call a friend and yell and cry and scream, and she'd help me get through another night.

I know how tough it is. You've been betrayed by your best friend, and there's nothing tougher than that. But don't let your temper make you lose everything. You're a strong person, you can get through this.

<small>[ March 25, 2004, 07:24 AM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

I asked if "THE INCIDENT" was still an issue, his answer was I DON'T KNOW. I tried not to be direct in my questioning, but had to push a little. I asked if he'd been talking to her, he said I DON'T KNOW.

I told him honesty was the best policy above all. He would not answer either way. This could mean one of two things knowing my WH, SHE IS, and he doesn't want to tell me because I'll beat feet out of town, or SHE isn't and does not want to tell me because he is afraid I'll see the freeway and hit the gas.

I did tell him that there are two seperate situations he must address, it's one thing to DECIDE whether or not to work on our marriage, but it's a far different thing sitting on a fence trying to decide what side to sit on. I assured him that a decision would have to be made and SOON.

Taking care of myself, means I have to face the eventuality that he may decide to jump ship on me. That's when I explained I would move to Plan B.(didn't tell him what Plan B WAS though). He said what about Plan C. I said there is no Plan C for me. I don't want to move to Plan B, BUT I will if given no choice. He again said Plan C. I said YOU may have a Plan C, but I don't. (who knows with him)

He again plans on coming over tonight. I suggested he at least try to give the marriage a chance. If a third person is involved it will make this a fruitless effort. His heart has to be 100% there, in the event it DOESN'T work out than if THAT situation was meant to be, it will still be there. Not sure he liked that dose of reality but had to swallow it either way.

Even after all that, he took a framed picture of the two of us together at our favorite vacation spot. He also took the tape "HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS".

A little more time, that's all I can do. I have to start seeing some progress though.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

My WH expressed something to me today that I think could become a real issue.

He says he can come "visit" me at our apartment, but will never live here because he was the enemy for so long.

Most of this is in his head, of course coupled with the guilt of hurting me and my Daughter. Who isn't his, but he's been her "Step-Dad" for the past 6 years. She's only 17 now.

I want to let him know that this is a natural feeling, and it will take a lot of courage and support, but we can work towards that.

Does anyone have any suggestions, or magic words to help this situation ?

I'm feeling more and more that my WH doesn't want a divorce, but doesn't want to be married in the traditional sense. You know, live at home with Mom, have a girlfriend on the side, and come to visit his wife from time to time ?

Obviously this isn't going to fly for long. I have to entertain these notions until I hit Plan B stage, which is coming around the corner soon.

I was told not to look for progress where I think it should be, but look for progress regardless.

WH showed up last night unplanned. We had chinese take out. Talked briefly about relationship. Had coffee this morning.

We were intimate, he slept for awhile. I was 150% in Plan A. No mention of the LOVE word.

Getting ready for my slide downwards !

Is this normal for the WS to bounce in and out through the fog ?

betrayed

You are allowing him to have his cake and eat it too.. He has everything he wants and doesnt have to commit to anyone.. you were intimate and he didnt say the L word.. I think that says it all..

Plan B might be your best move now. He wont get off the fence this way and I hate to see you being so upset and as you said before "this is killing you." He is not being fair to you..and has no remorse.

I'm sorry but it is time to take care of you..
LMH

I don't know where his head is out. I'm pretty sure HE doesn't know where his head is out.

If I keep going back and forth and attempt to FORCE him to make a decision he isn't making in his own time, and in his own way, what will that do ?

I'm not doing anything I don't want to do, I'm not doing anything with false hopes, I'm going into this with my eyes wide open.

There are no guarantees either way. I can't fix something in 30 days, that's been broke for over 6 months. I've treated my WH like second hand trash for the last 6 months of our marriage. I contributed to the breakdown of my marriage, shouldn't I have to put more then 30 days work into it before I force something on him ?

let's face it....in MY eyes...the grass IS greener on the other side of the fence for him. TRUST me on this. Why he hasn't jumped a long time ago, puzzles me as well.

I know that I'm going to upset someone with this post ... well, so be it:

This is a Marriage Builders(TM) forum - Dr. Harley's site... creator and proponent of the Plan A/Plan B approach to surviving an affair and rebuilding marriages.

When one is barely 1 month past D-day and using the Marriage Builders methods to save one's marriage, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS H HAVING HIS CAKE AND EATING IT TOO.

Did I say that loud enough?

Read Surviving an Affair. Plan A is what is being mis-identified here as the "cake" thing - and it's not that at all. Plan A is about the elimination of love-busters from your behavior in the relationship. It's about determining what you can do to fix your contributions to the marital downslide. It's NOT about the affair... That's what Plan B is about... Plan B is about the spouse's decision not to end an affair. And Plan B is almost assuredly DOOMED to failure if there isn't a solid Plan A preceding it.

It sucks rocks that the betrayed must be the one to do all the work when our emotions are so raw... but we are the only ones capable of it and willing to do it at this point. And we need to work hard at it during this time when we want nothing more than to curl up in a ball and close out the entire external world.

What is it you need to accomplish? Think of raising kids: What is one of the major issues in child-rearing? It is less WHAT you say or WHAT you do than it is the CONSISTENCY of your behavior toward the child. Reacting in the same manner every time sends a strong message to our children. We need to be consistent in our behaviors with our WS's too.

Example: If I spent the last 18 months of my marriage demeaning my spouse in any way or yelling at him or other unpleasant love-busting type behavior, he has become conditioned to expect this behavior from me. The only way that I will be able to help save my own marriage is to take a long hard look at the things he may identify as the issues that drove him away, determine what is possible to change, change those behaviors ... and do so consistently over a significant period of time so that the changes become part of a new "me" and are clearly permanent changes. We can all change our demeanor for a week or two - but if, at that point, we revert to previous behavior, we are just proving their points for them - "You can't change!"

WRONG. We can change, and we must. For ourselves. For our marriages.

The one thing I learned when I went through this ever so long ago is that I won't die if I'm not always RIGHT. And another thing I learned is that I wasn't right nearly as often as I thought I was <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> However, I am right about this. These are proven techniques, and when followed closely, will either strengthen your marriage, or strengthen you as an individual.

Betrayed, you are getting SO MUCH MORE from your WH than most of the people I know here. He is telling you important things about his feelings. Contrary to what you might think, he's not unlike most males - counseling is not usually an option for most men, and for many women, particularly the WS. I am no prophet or psychic - I can't see what WILL or WON'T happen for you... but I'm seeing so much progress in the scant amount of time that you've been here, that I think you have a good chance of getting through this with a new and stronger marriage - but only if you apply the brakes firmly, find 16 tons of patience, and Plan A your little heart out.

OK ... off the soap box now...