So here I am again, being found out for the second time and I need some help.

My story: A year ago I told my W that I was having an A. W kept me but I was having a hard time and did not make it easy. For a few months after d-day I was in contact with OW and even met her a few times (no sex) – all this was kept a secret from W. The last time I saw OW I told her to go away for I was devoting myself to my W and family (4 kids). Since that time I have worked hard on our marriage and have fallen deeply in love with my W all over again. W has accepted me and given all her love back to me. Problem: A few days ago with some questioning from W I told her the rest of the story. Needless to say she feels as if I cheated on her all over again. She is so hurt, I cant believe I have put her there again. But it is different this time. I love her and will do anything for her but she feels as if everything I have done (even the good stuff) is all a lie.

I have been telling her I love her and will do anything for her but she is barely responsive to me. What can I say to her, what can I do to show her that I really am not the same man that did that to her. I can’t lose her or my family. I am at a loss....Any support or suggestions would be appreciated.

If you agreed to no contact, why did you contact her again?

Why do you tell your wife you told her everything, yet still havent told her everything?

You are a liar in her mind and you continue to hold back truths.

Why are you such a liar?

How can you expect your wife to trust you with your constant lying?

The good stuff you have done is based of the lies you have been hiding, therefore it all was a lies. Lies Lies Lies...

You cheaters never get it, you simply dont understand, YOU CANT LIE about anything, it makes everything you do, good and bad a lie.

How can you be devoted to sombody when you know your lying to them?
Freeky.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Ouch Bog that really hurt.

Should I except the fact that for the last 8 months I really have been all about her? I know I was wrong, very wrong. I was afraid to tell her then because I didnt want to hurt her again, not a good reason I will agree. Thanks for your support, I am sorry.

Your wife does not see things the way you do. You see the last 8 months as trying, she see's the last 8 months as a lie, just more wasted time. The last 8 months have not been about her, it was built on lies.

She keeps trying to re-build the relationship and thinks "this time he will be different, i know he is a good honost man that made a terrible mistake and he has told me everything", but you reward her forgiveness by smashing it to pieces.

Your intentions were based on not hurting your wife, this is a good thing, if your not lying about it, but how can you trust a liar?
Do you see what im saying?

I do believe that you didnt want to hurt your wife.

Pure honosty is my suggestion and dont lie anymore or it will set everything back to the day your wife found out you were naked in bed with another woman. This is the way BS's think, atleast how I think.

Well, The only advice that I can give is to put yourself in her shoes! By keeping secrets about the A. is like having the A. all over again. So in ways, it is true. Going through that myself right now! Don't keep secrets unless it is a birthday gift!


Just remember trust is earned, not given!

Ali

Keeping secrets about the affair is the worse thing that you can do to build trust. Secrets will eventually come to light and then any trust that you may be able to build is easly destroyed and harder to regain.
It does not matter how many times you say you are sorry, what matters is your actions and your willingness to be totally open and honest. That is why honesty is the best policy. I think anyone who has suspicions that there are secrets still being kept from him or her is not going to easily believe anything they hear. Actions are more important than words alone.

I agree with the others- not being totally upfront is not the way to go. "Put yourself in her shoes" is exactly right.You haven't given any details, but I commend you for devoting yourself to your marriage. As a BS, maybe I can give you some insight from my experience.You said she has given her love back to you as I have to my WS, but do you really knows what is on her mind? Do you talk about the A and answer her questions? DDay for me was 5 months ago, we separated (mutually agreed upon) for 3 months and back together for 2 months. When I asked him to come back, I thought I had accepted the A and was ready to rebuild our M, as he was truely remorseful. I have to say that he has really tried to show me he is serious about us and has not done anything to make me think otherwise--(well once, but that was me being paranoid and jumping to conclusions.)I have to say that the A is still constantly on my mind every hour of the day, but I am no longer crying at every thought and image. There have been some triggers that set me off again, but I try not to let him see this as I know he already is extremely guilty and I don't want to add to that. He does not want to discuss the A because we've "already taked about that." So I am left with questions that I can't ask. I am trying to let things go and not obsess about them,but that is easier said than done- it just won't go away.I am wondering if your wife feels the same way? Has she told you how she feels and asks questions? How do you react when she wants to talk? I asked my WS one night if we could talk and he said "Is it important?" That was like a slap in the face-here he is telling me that he would do anything to not lose me, but I feel that he is not there for me, if I can't talk to him about this who do I talk to? No one else knows any of the details of our separation. My point is, you say you have devoted yourself to your marriage, but just stop and think of how you have handled things- we BS's are very insecure and hurt and angry. Do you continually tell her you love her and hold her? At first you go through the honeymoon stage again, but when that starts to fade, the BS starts to wonder if now you think everythings okay again and don't have to put as much effort into this- was all the attention just to win her back? Have you seen a MC or priest/minister? Have you read SAA and done the questionnaires? Have you read any other books? Do you spend 15 hours a week together? Do you show her and tell her continuously how much she means to you and that you are willing to do everything you can to win her trust back? I read somewhere that it takes about 2 years to recover from an A.Is she really over her anger? Sometimes I wonder if I wasn't ready to commit to this- I thought I was but I didn't realize just how many reminders there would be and how hard this is.But I said I would take him back and I can't keep changing my mind everytime things get rough. Do you think maybe she feels this way too?

Just some things to think about. Good luck.

Thank you for all the responses, you were all very honest with your words and I appreciate that. I will try and reply to everyone.

Bog: “…but you reward her forgiveness by smashing it to pieces..” You are right, I was not trying to justify my actions just trying to see if all my dedication for the last 8 months was really all lost. When I decided to start being open and honest with her I was completely with all my actions from that point forward. Unfortunately I was stupid enough to think that would work. I think I see that there is no right or wrong here and just opinions but the only opinion that matters is how my wife feels and you have hit the nail on the head. It doesn’t matter what I feel or think, she is the one with all the options here, keep him or leave him. All I can do is be there for her, support her, help her, and pray that she doesn’t go with the latter option. Thank you Bog, your words hurt but I guess the truth sometimes does.

Ali88: I am trying my best to put myself in her shoes and understand how much I have hurt her. I have seen this posted before “don’t say I know how you feel because you don’t have any idea”, I am trying to keep this in perspective also. If I think I know how bad I have hurt her, actually I am not even close. I wish you the best luck with your situation. Thank you for your post.

Why me?: I was able to build her trust again, unfortunately for me I am not sure she will give me the chance to rebuild the trust I had. I can see that it will be very hard to regain what I have lost but I am willing to do whatever it takes. By the way I am now a huge believer in secrets will eventually come to light, I learned the hard way. Thank you for your post.

Comingaround: I will get to you in my next post, I need to get going home for lunch right now to see my wife. I will do my best to answer your questions later.

I am back and responding to comingaround:

Here is a little more history. Dday the first time was 3/31/03. I confessed but was still very confused with my emotions. I did answer the endless volley of questions but always with a sigh and an angry face. I was mean to my W saying things out of anger (why I was angry with her I don’t know) that I wish I could take back. OW contacted me and I responded to her. After a few months of continued contact with OW and lying to my wife I found this site. Did a lot of reading and came to the conclusion that the only way I can do this is to say goodbye to OW forever. Which I did. At that point I started working very hard on my M and I have done many of the things you suggest. I now answer all questions without anger (although a sigh occasionally escapes but I am doing my best to stop that also, she deserves that) I have bought flowers, leave love notes and cards all the time, call from work almost daily, go home for lunch at least once a week, spend time with W when I come home to give her all the talk time she needs, etc. I really have changed, I have fallen in love with her all over again and it has been wonderful. Skip to this weekend where we are almost at a year from dday and she is feeling very down and starts questioning me bigtime again. I confessed everything, left nothing out. Now she is barely looking at me, not eating or drinking, says I have killed her again. This time it is so different for me, there is no anger towards my wife, it hurts me so much to see her like this and to know that I have caused it again. I am afraid that I have ruined our almost 15y marriage. I would love to see a MC and have suggested it many times (I wish she would have taken me up on the offer originally, I think today would be different if I would have had someone to talk to) but she refuses. Doesn’t want to talk to a stranger about our problems. Anyway I love her so much and I just wanted to see if anyone agreed with me about the past 8 months. Surprise no one did. This really hurts because I have changed, I even surprised her with the renewing of our vows and a weekend away to show her how much she means to me. But to her that is all meaningless because of my secret.

I will keep trying and won’t give up. I have learned from my mistakes. She is more important to me than she realizes.

Thank you for your post and for trying to help. Good luck to you also.

Hello ashamed

I just want to say I think you sound quite remorseful and if you keep talking and treating your wife with respect and love in time I do believe she will come around. But for now let her be angry let her cry and be sure you answer all her questions with total honesty. That is all you can do now as far as being remorseful.

I think the little things will make a huge diffence too.. She is so upset and probably has no energy to get through the day somedays..which is understandable right now. Can you do more to help her? Cook once in awhile, do the dishes, help with laundry..anything to give her a break from the drudgery of life and from her stress.. Tell her to go take a long bath while you fix dinner. Sometimes the little things mean so much...just an idea.

I wish you luck. You sound very ashamed and your shame will change you. Your wife will see it in time..

Take care of her..and yourself :-)
Lmh

Thank you lovemyhubby

I read your post and I started to cry (Newsflash!!! Men are not supposed to cry – especially at work!!!) but needless to say I haven’t been getting much sleep myself lately which doesn’t help. Thank you for the kind words.

Can I help with the cooking you ask. Well I did leave something out, my wife happens to have some major, lets call them feminine problems right now which leaves her in a lot of physical pain. So do I cook, oh yes, I also do many many other things around the house too. Please don’t get me wrong my wife does everything she can, she focuses much of her energy on the kids and their school work. I think I consider most of the little thing covered, there are not any free minutes in the day already. Thanks for the suggestions.

<small>[ April 15, 2004, 12:15 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

Ashamed- Just wanted to continue with a few things, but want to say that the suggestion to have your wife read your post seems like a good idea. Any chance that she would post her thoughts? Has she been reading the other posts here? When I started reading here I couldn't believe how many others there were who knew how I felt. I have also learned more about the feelings of the WS, and that has helped me.If she would post here it might help her to express her feelings.
Again I commend you for your commitment to your marriage - a thought just occured to me- I am jealous.I realize my WH is still struggling to deal with this as well, but I would love to see consistent signs of his commitment and seriousness as you seem to be doing. I really would like to hear from her as to what she is feeling right now. Perhaps it is the thought of the "anniversary" as that has started to weigh on my mind quite a bit- I believe that April 11/03 was his first contact with OW, and even though I try not to dwell on it, it's one more of those darn reminders. I told you in my first response we BS's are very insecure- and I can relate to your wife's feeling that because you didn't tell her the WHOLE truth at the time, it IS like finding out all over again. To your credit you did tell her about the A (or did she find out and you confessed then?) but you kept seeing the OW when your wife thought it was over. Your wife "kept" you, thinking it was over with the OW and now to find out you were still seeing her probably has her wondering if she would have done things differently, and if there are other things you weren't upfront about and if all the attention was to throw her off track so she wouldn't find out about the OW.

Of course just speculating on my part, hope you keep us updated. Keep on doin what you're doin. Good luck.

Ashamedagain, you have tough work ahead of you to try to regain her trust. It is very difficult, especially if she was very trusting of you. I think Comingaround expressed very clearly what a betrayed spouse goes through and it is very hard. There are constant reminders, questions that cannot be asked, especial dates that have lost their meaning because the affair, there are doubts, etc. The rule is "no secrets". If you keep secrets, they come to the surface sooner or later and there goes any trust she may have for you.

Sorry to threadjack, but this is for Comingaround:
Did you think the separation helped in your case to difuse the feelings of desillusion, anger, confusion? In your post, you say many things that I agree with because I have gone through those feeling. I never left the house when I discovered my WW's A because our children would have been the victims of an adult mistake and I did not want to do anything to damage their inocence and happiness. It is true that there are too many reminders and there are triggers that make us feel bad. I never knew how damaging this experience would be because I never anticipated having to live through it. I think one of the things that happens is that one learns to live with the knowledge that the WS did not value the marriage vows of trust, honor and respect as much as you did.

Ashamed Again:
One more suggestion: Be 100% accountable to your wife for your time.

Give her the password to your email accounts and voicemail and encourage her to use them. It doesn't have to have a prison warden flavor to it. Instead, make it feel like you're sharing with her (Honey, did you see that email from my brother? What do you think?).

Don't go out without her. If you have to run an errand without her, make it short, and call her while you're out.

Make sure she knows where you are and who you're with at all times. Tell her what you have planned for the day before you leave for work. When you come home, tell her about your day. Again, this doesn't have to feel like you're being monitored -- you're sharing your life with her.

If there was anything that you and OW did together or places that you and she went together, banish them from your life from now. Maybe at some time, when you're in recovery, if you get the vibe from your wife that she'd like to "take those things back," you can help her with that. But for now, avoid them like the plague.

Hi All

I always had the intension of showing my wife this thread since there is a no secrets policy. I am going to tell her about it today and let her decide if she wants to read it.

Why me? I realize I have a tough road ahead of me but I will do whatever it takes. I love her and she deserves the best from me and all of my time and effort since that is what she has given to me.

Lovemyhubby: Loving my wife could not be easier and I am so grateful that she gave me the chance for our marriage last time. I am not waiting for a chance this time, I am taking every opportunity to tell her and show her that I will never falter from my vows. I know she sees that I am doing everything because she has told me that I don’t have to do that and that I am making it harder for her. I am not sure what that means but I hope I am making it harder for her in a good way. She is a good woman and doesn’t deserve the hell that I have put her through. By the way no contact is the only way to go. I can see that so clearly now.

Commingaround: I am sure my wife is wondering if anything that I have told her is true and questioning everything. With my efforts I am hoping to show her that my love and devotion is true. I did tell her about the A the first time, she says that she felt that I was being distant but that has happened before. She asked me if there was someone else and I said yes, the rest is worse than a horrible nightmare because you are already awake. I am sure she is wondering if she did the right thing the first time, I know that she feels as if she should have followed her instincts more.

Curios53: She already knows every password and has every key to my life. I gave her that quite a while ago. It is a good point though, I should ask her if she feels as if there is any part of my life that she is not a part of. I hope not, but if so I will make her a part of it. My wife knows every detail.

Thank you all and wish me luck when I tell her about my post, she is having a hard time, I don’t want this to make it worse for her.

My wife seems to be drifting away. She hardly looks at me and when she does it is like she is looking through me. She doesn’t want to be home, doesn’t want to be around me or the kids. She refuses to talk to me or anyone else. I am not sure what to do.

Tomorrow is a year from dday #1. I am worried for her and scared for her but if I try and talk to her she tells me to back off. I have been telling her I love her, I give her constant hugs (she is not hugging back). I am trying to be as supportive as possible. I am at a loss, I want to help her but she refuses my help.

I don’t expect anyone to pity me, after all I did bring this on myself. I just don’t know what to do….

I experienced some of what you are experiencing and my husband eventually filed for D. In my case, I betrayed him twice. The first time he pardoned me and told me he did so because he loved me too much. I guess since I did not feel his pain that time, I just took him for granted. He is a great man, provider, morally upright, and with many positive qualities. After the second time I had to get counseling and discovered that it was all my problem- insecurity due to abuse and neglect by my parents. If you can show remorse and be patient show it. Get help for yourself and show her you are sincere.

I hope she understands and gives you the opportunity to show you are sincere. As I said earlier, in my case I blew it. There is no one to blame but myself. I behaved poorly and made a terrible choice. I love my H, but I know he has already suffered enough due to my actions.

<small>[ March 30, 2004, 03:50 PM: Message edited by: Shame on me ]</small>

Sorry, my mistake. My computer was acting up and I did not know the message went out.

<small>[ March 30, 2004, 03:47 PM: Message edited by: Shame on me ]</small>