Trying to figure out if it is normal for BS's to want to know the intimate details of the affair.

Please post any comments that you would like to add to this poll.

I wanted to know everything, so i dont know if everything is helping me heal, that will be something that only overtime will feel comfortable

7

<small>[ January 25, 2005, 01:21 AM: Message edited by: *blondblossom* ]</small>

I really stick it to my WS about knowing the details.

I wanted to know everything, not just where, how many times etc. I know details on everything. I wanted to know how she felt, how he reacted.

I may know too much because im still confused on why she would do it more then once by the way she describes it. The way she explains it doesnt seem real, ive never even heard of a man shaking and quivering and moaning for a few minutes and never touching breasts and private parts, changing positions etc. during sex. Wife explains she never really felt him inside her and there was never any semen etc.

As you can see by her explainations of the sexual parts of her A, her discriptions on what happend opens a whole new line of interrogations: (are you mentally ill?, was he mentaly ill?,is he a homosexual?, didnt you find it weird you didnt feel any penetration, are you sure you had sex with him? etc. etc.)

I think the details is something we all naturally wonder about. I have a million questions, but I haven't asked - at least yet. I am not sure if it would help or not. Part of me is afraid to be haunted by the images forever. However, I didn't think about this until reading another post, I suppose it may help expose the reality of the A instead of visualizing what I think may have happened - the fantasy. And maybe it would help the WS see that the A wasn't so great. I guess part of me is afraid of the answers also. Maybe sex with OW was better. I am not sure if I want to know or not.

The questions that keep coming to mind the most though is not necessarily the sex questions, but did H ever think about me or BC during the process of A? Did he feel any guilt or remorse as he stood in line to buy those condoms? Things like that.

Just my thoughts,
Kris

I think just knowing that my WH is sleeping around on me is enough to make me throw up. I voted NO on everything. Some days I might want to know it all and others I dont. It just gives me tooo much to think about. YUCK!

Yes I wanted details, not too graphic, but he never slacked off having making love to me, so even though I suspected the A, I found it amazing yet disgusting that he could go back & forth as much as he did between us.

I vote yes and no!
Some things are (to me personally) better leaft alone while other things were very important to know.

I cared mostly about the emotion attached to the A.

The "act" I could almost guess about.....I told FWH on DD that he was
Either really with a man...and not a woman or she took it up the @rs. Sorry~! don't mean to offend anyone here.

BUT......we were having sex during A also and his way of treating me during was NOT very fullfilling to me!!

PERSONALLY..
I don't care what type of sex they had, it was dirty no matter how OW thought it may have been "lovemaking". If she was getting same sex I was getting, I have NO CLUE why she would stick around for 5 weeks!!! LOL.......CRAZY OW!

Shirley Glass compares the damage of having to drag the truth out versus honest disclosure to a flat tire.

Hop out and patch the tire the moment it goes flat and there is less damage. But continue to run on that flat tire you wind up ruining the tire, the rim and if run long enough the axle.

You know its not even so much the details its the need for a BS to feel that the WS is no longer loyal or protecting the affair.

And yes most need some level of details some need all of them.

Here is a good link that explains the BS's need to know. Pay close attention to Joseph Letter that is half way down the page:

http://www.dearpeggy.com/com023.html

SDFR said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know its not even so much the details its the need for a BS to feel that the WS is no longer loyal or protecting the affair.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Truer words were never spoken! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

If you think that the details will be given, you must be so naive. I doubt wayward spouses ever would say the honest true about the affair and much less the details. There are things that only they and the other person know, what they said, thought or did. It is true that the images of them together may make some throw up or become upset, but recovery of the trust has to start with total and radical honesty.

Exactly!

What I don't understand is why they want to keep it the memory and not share it? I my H. case, he now says how much he hates her and can't believe he got involved with such an ugly, pitiful women. He says he takes the responsibilty of being stupid but the fact is he will not disclose the details. I tell him that it is not like I am digging for information from a past relationship before me. This happened during our marriage. So why does he want to keep the secrets locked up in his temple of gold to say? I say I have a right to know!

Ali

Exactly!

What I don't understand is why they want to keep it the memory and not share it? I my H. case, he now says how much he hates her and can't believe he got involved with such an ugly, pitiful women. He says he takes the responsibilty of being stupid but the fact is he will not disclose the details. I tell him that it is not like I am digging for information from a past relationship before me. This happened during our marriage. So why does he want to keep the secrets locked up in his temple of gold to say? I say I have a right to know!

Ali

I am glad to hear I am not alone with this issue. Although I haven't asked every detail I have asked enough for now. There are some specifics I may ask in the near future but right now I have enough information.

One of the hardest things, other than the sexual contact, is that WH confessed that they told each other they loved each other. UGG!!

Part of me wants to ask details of their physical contact and the other part screams to leave it alone. Still working on recovery.

Good thing I caught the poll, because I usually don't look here. Can I tag off of this with a burning question?

The question is this: How much information is too much, especially in the "size issue?" I've always held to the policy that you always tell anyone you have sex with that they are the best, and you NEVER compare out loud. I mean what woman would want to know OW was more lubricated and tighter, or what man that OM was bigger (or smaller/better if that was the case)? These are private physical details that cannot be changed so how productive is it to answer these types of questions? I'd really like some feedback on this.

I am with you all the way Confused Mom. Both the EA and the PA (especially the I love you's) are very difficult to deal with.

Good luck in your recovery zone! I am glad you made it that far. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ali

I would reccomend if your a WW to explain in detail that it was "tiny and puny" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

If your a WH explain "she was loose and stiff as a board" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Well said, I hear you, Bog!! So now how does this square with Radical Honesty?

well, not sure! size? don't care how big it is, he just better know how to use it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

but that is a hard one. questions like was she better then me etc, are always hard to answer. but you know, it has to come out! he tells me that she was really bad! so after so many months, why was he coming back? she could not give good bj's. he stopped her the second time! but i need to know for my own personal closure!

ali