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Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 444
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Posts: 444
Dear LifeWillNeverBeTheSame

If you want to follow a thread on exposure, and the effects of exposure, go to general questions II and read Heroswife long thread. (Perhaps you must surch back a week or two to find it.)
This is a thread that spans many weeks. She starts by being afraid just like you. In the thread we follow the discussion, then the execution, and then the effects afterwards. It is interesting, and also quite exciting to read. Good luck to you!

Edited to include:

Heroswife first thread on exposure

Angel of exposure for Hero

<small>[ April 06, 2004, 02:19 AM: Message edited by: Frank57 ]</small>

Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 93
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LifeWillNeverBeTheSame,
You're in a terrible struggle and I feel for you.
I just had a couple of suggestions for books. I've read so many. Harley's books are really great for advice and counseling and just to answer those 'what do I do' questions that can really eat at you. Another one I stumbled upon right at DDay was Shirley Glass' NOT 'Just Friends'. It was great to read, well great in a terrible kind of way considering the circumstances. It was amazing to find out that the feelings I was having weren't unique to me and to have an idea of what to expect from my own emotions in the future. You're best step was finding this board. It's been so helpful 'listening' and learning from those here.
I wish I had found this place at the very start. I too watched as my spouse allowed a friendship to become way too close. All the 'be carefuls' in the world couldn't prevent it though.
Unfortunately for me, the OW was in the middle of a divorce when it started. As soon as my H dumped her, she went right back to her former H. He knows. My inlaws know but only because my FIL is an incredible man and I knew he'd help me with purely rational advice and judge in no way whatsoever. As far as making it public knowledge, my H was already embarassed and shamed enough. As much as I know it wasn't my fault, you could say I kept it quiet for selfish reasons due to the way I was personally feeling like a failure at the time. I couldn't face the idea of being the subject of gossip. I also felt like that way those who already gossiped about it would eventually run out of juice and I didn't want to add any. This is not advice on what to do, just telling you what I did.
Thanks for sharing. I hope everything works out for you.
AT

Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 20
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Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 20
Well, yesterday I told the OMW. It was a very hard thing to do. I now feel for her as well as myself. I know she is going through the same feelings of betrayal that I'am. Like me she has chosen to work it out with her husband, and I wish her all the best.

For those of you still wondering if they should tell the other parties spouse you should. I won't know for a while if it helped my cause, but I do know that as much as she wished it never happened (like me), she didn't want to be lied to.

As for the rest of my plan, I already dumped my IC, should be interviewing a MC tomorrow, and should recieve my books tomorrow.

As for a MC can anyone recommend a good MC in the Western Suburbs of Chicago. Someone who follows Dr. Harley's principles and beliefs. Without recomendations it is a crap shoot on picking one.

Thanks again for the support.

Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412
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LWNBTS,

I know how much fear is associated with exposure. I'm sorry that you had to do it, but as you see...it's very hard for the WS to do it themselves. I don't advise exposure when a WS will go to no contact and avoid a lover...but when they won't, it is necessary. She may be very angry with you for a while. But it will be short lived....because the truth is that even in the fog, most WSs calm down and realize that if the tables were turned, they might understandably do the same thing. As long as it's done to save the marriage and not to punish...it's pretty easy to see the logic in it.

I am so glad to see that the OMW wants to work on her marriage too. That will make her a powerful force in this struggle. But even IF the two of them selfishly choose to run off together...it will be a disaster.

Kudos to you for having the courage to do something that I know was so difficult. This is a process....of course right now the hope for the future looks dim....but please don't lose faith. Yes the journey will be long...but I can promise you that if you can stick with it, the potential reward is very great.

Blessings and prayers to you my friend,

star*

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